Looking for Aparents insights

WLD, I'm sorry that you've gotten a false impression from the inordinate percentage of unhappy adoptees who post to this site. I was adopted but never in a million years would have sought out a site like this. I searched and found it several years after adopting my son in the hopes that it would be a networking site where people exchanged ideas about adoption. But I'm sad to see that it is overwhelmingly negative.Are your children searching for birthparents or do you anticipate them doing so?I can't imagine anything so hurtful and it is something that I would never do. But my sister went through a period of interest in search and before we got her straightened out I can tell you that her motivation was not any kind of rejection of our parents but rather a misguided, juvenile curiousity. Ultimately she did not search because when she examined her motives with a professional it became clear that her expectations were not realistic. In my view, search is a very unfortunate thing. As you read the posts from people who are considering it, you may notice that quite often they have personal problems that they should probably be addressing instead of distracting themselves with a focus on biological parents. I hope that if your children haven't gone down that path, they won't. It's not at all common anyway.

My son was adopted internationally; he's been with us about four months now. And we just contracted with a service in his birth country to do more research into his birth family, to see if the information we have is correct and to find out as much as he can. I feel this information is so important to my son that it's also really important to me to have it to give to him when he's ready for it. If we get contact information for birth relatives, we'll contact them immediately. I'm posting this because I wanted to offer a different perspective. Perhaps because my son was adopted transracially, and it's pretty obvious he was, we're not having issues thinking about his birth family like this. I don't grieve that I didn't give birth to him. His life and our lives happened in a way that brought us all together, and he lost his first family, but we're doing everything we can to be the family he deserves.

[URL="http://forums.adoption.com/member.php?u=153076"]zxczxcasdasd[/URL] vbmenu_register("postmenu_1534823", true); HeidiI loved reading your thoughts about your feelings as an amom. You are right. I love my daughter and she loves me. She does call me when she is upset or to tell me exciting news about her Freshmen year at college. She does ask me to pray also. We went to the fair Saturday because it was my birthday. It was a wonderful day. We talked about how she use to sit in her car seat in the middle of the backseat. She hated sitting where she could not see her dad or her mom. She would smile the most beautiful smile when we looked at her sitting in the back seat.We arrived at the fair and children were crying for toys by a toy stand.Our daughter said, "Did I act like that?" I explained to her that she never acted out. She was the best baby. We had so much attention to give her. She was our only child. We spent so much time with her. She smiled and said,"someday I want children." We had a wonderful day. I realize that she is 18 and she doesn't spend alot of time with her parents, but she did this weekend and we had a great time. Thank you for your thoughts. This site does help me and I thank God for everyone that takes time to share on this site.

Blue daisy, I think this is something that probably won't hit you until your child is much older. It's fairly easy when they are young not to worry about anything like that. But imagine if your son at 18 said that he is not American, he is (ethnicity), he wants to return to his birth name, to be with people he is genetically related to and look like him, return to live in his country of origin to find his birthfamily and live with them. Part of you would feel that it is his right to do all of this, and to reconnenct to his history, to find his own identity and place in the world and make that choice for himself. But part of you would hurt very very deeply. Patty,I'm glad you had such a nice day with your daughter. I know how much that means at 18! Just cling to those times. :) Originally Posted by WLDLadies:

Manni, oh how i love reading your posts and those from JPDakota and hello&goodbye but the truth is, ya are the minority on this forum, i read so many post from adoptees that seem to kick the aparent to the curb, that's why amoms get insecure. And to be honest, it scared the stew out of me, i assumed all adoptees must feel that way, till i started reading your posts and that gave me hope. Those posts scared me to death too! There are a lot of them... But I've come to conclusion that my son is not and will not be one of them. So I'm not scared any more. If it happens I'll deal with it. But I don't think it will. We'll be okay.

Wow. Only part of my post was quoted, it was the part that set up the last part of the sentence that was omitted that said...."another mother loves her too" So I will keep this breif. The more love a child has the better. I don't fear as an adoptive parent at all!!!!!!!!!!!!! My kiddo will know I love her.....I AM SECURE....big time. But I want her to have all the love in the world...what mom woudn't. So to the original poster....if you were my kiddo's bmom, I would want you in our lives...forever!

"put myself in the shoes of mothers with healthy first mom's who desire a relationship with their birth children and I feel that there is so much insecurity in adoptive parenting and I think sometimes their innapropriate responses hinge on that. And frankly it is a little hard knowing that you didn't give birth to the kid you so deeply adore. But my baby is my daughter...nothing in this world changes that, not one single thing and I love her like crazy and she will grow up knowing that she is loved and adopted (we plan on celebrating her adoption day every year...kinda like an extra birthday...lucky little kiddo eh :-)"...and I continued the sentence to say..."but another mother loves her too" Boy I wish my post wasn't quoted out of context, that's not what my post was about :-( Actually the opposite....I think the more people who love a child the better.

It's not a myth for some people. Take my cousin. She was adopted at birth and states her adoptive family was good to her, but now that she's reunited with my Aunt, they have developed an obvious bond to the point that she has not been in contact for years with her adoptive parents. I'm not saying that's right and good or true in all cases...just one example. On the other hand, one of my friends is adopted and has said many times she does not feel the need to find her birthmom. It's so individual, but I think certainly some people feel a deep connection to their roots.

I would really like to understand how someone can walk away from the family who raised and loved them. I can't make any sense of it. To hurt a family sooooo badly without even a look back.

Or maybe I'll be fine with it. I'm not sure you should be so sure about how every parent would react to this. I'm hoping to spend as much time as we can in his birth country while he's growing up (including the posibility of living there for a while) so he CAN feel a connection to his birth country.

Bluedaisy, You are right that I cannot be sure how you, or any other parent would respond. I should have said "might hurt." It just seemed a little premature to declare with a young child that you don't feel the same way as mothers who are dealing with a late teen/young adulthood issue and so I was trying to help you imagine forward to what that might feel like, if what the others are describing happened to you. Since the original post asked why some aparents struggle with reunion, that's what I was trying to help you understand. I didn't mean to be assuming anything about you personally, though I can see that is how I worded it. I never thought I would feel this way. I also never thought I'd have any of that lump-in-the-throat empty nest feeling, until my son reached that age and then I discovered I felt something I never wanted nor planned to feel. But these feelings did not come until we reached that point. I felt just like you when he was young. I've never grieved not giving birth to him at any point in his life. But now, right as I'm feeling the bittersweet feelings of sending a son into the great world (co-mingled great joy and great sadness), it is something hard to feel that I am not related to him genetically and these other people, who are going to be in his life (not just cultural heritage) are what I am not. I'm not protesting it, or disliking it, just stating that it's a difficult thing to accept and grapple with. And I didn't feel it until now. I do want to make clear what I am describing is not about not wanting them to connect with their heritage or not helping them do that. I do want to. I have. In fact, I'm the one who has preserved all the information, and done what you are speaking of doing, except that of course my son is not an international adoption. It's not that I want him to connect and therefore I feel only positive about it, or that I don't want him to therefore it hurts if he does. Neither of those are what I am describing. Just, what if the end result was that he rejected you as his family? You want to be the family he deserves, like you said. What if he said you aren't that because you can't be because only these other people he's found can be? It's hard to imagine that wouldn't hurt, and that you would be fine with that. You are right that I cannot make that assumption for everyone. I can only speak from my perspective. For instance, my dear friend always intended to become a doctor and move to rural Honduras to practice medicine where it is so desperately needed. Her parents and all her friends have encouraged and supported her all the way through college and med school, and residency. We have visited her and helped her submit applications, raise money, send her monthly support, been happy for her every step she got closer to where her heart was leading her. Her heart is IN Honduras. She loves those people and that country. She lives with a family there, whom she calls mom and dad and sisters. I am so happy for her and so proud of her. I have no problem with her being there. But I still miss her and grieve her being so far away. Her mom has had to really work through seeing her daughter call someone else "Mom," especially when that person is the one who is living with her when she is so far away. I still cry my eyes out every time I hug her goodbye. It's like that. Only more. Because it's your child. I understand it's hard to imagine that your son would ever tell you that regardless of the years you loved and raised him, that you are not his family. It's not the most likely thing, and I certainly hope it doesn't happen. But it has happened to other aparents and that's what makes it a little scary going into reunion. Maybe it's different if you're just thinking of a cultural heritage and a love of a country rather than him actually leaving your home to live with his biological family. The first thing, you can do and share and with him. The second one, you can accept and support and be happy for him, but might still grieve for yourself. I sincerely hope that you never have cause to find out. The next 18-22 yrs will take more from you and give more to you than you can ever imagine. I wish you and your son joy and lifelong love for each other. The fact that you are here now will probably go a long way to preventing what you hear some amoms here speaking of. You can learn so much early on. Many of us here weren't aware of the need to learn anything about all this until it hit us. So we are dealing with or have dealt with what we are going through now so that our children will have as little as possible to deal with themselves. We all want to be the family our kids deserve. That's the thing. We want to be their family- and not just for the first 18 years.

Heidi, It is soooo good to read your posts. You understand the emotions very well. You lived it. When my girls were young I had soooo much self confidence and I felt for sure my girls were my girls until it hit me and it hit me hard. I never expected the emotions I would have to deal with. The thought of reunion would be for information but she would know that we were mom and dad. She struggled in between two sets of parents for a long time. She said she tried to fit in with her birthfamily and she had to walk away from us to do that. I never in my life thought that would happen and if it did I was a brave person and I could handle it. I am handling it but not with much, much sorrow. It feels like my daughter was just ripped from my arms and my daughter willingly went. How can I not grieve? I like her birthfamily so that is not the issue either. We get along fine. Just as your dear friend hurts to hear her daughter call another mom and dad and she is living with them and not your friend. I understand that emotion very well. My daughter had cell phone rang one day and I looked to see who it was and it was dad (birthdad). It hurt to read "dad" who was not the dad I know and love........her dad! Now that adoption records are open, many adoptive parents now have to share where it was never thought of 31 years ago. I was forced to accept it. It takes time to work through these emotions and change what was and will never be again.

I soooo feel the pain of love4. I hope no one takes this question out of context. Why is there a possessiveness between bparents and aparents? It even sounds like some adoptees get in on the possessiveness. I have aunts and uncles on both sides - many cousins on both sides - and good friends I've picked up along the way. Totally IMO - can't everyone benefit from more people loving them? Can't everyone benefit from having a variety of people to love? Since I have been married, holidays are a bit of a challenge. My parents - his parents - yada yada. How do you split the time, etc. I can see that as a problem with bparents - aparents and an adoptee. As an adult adoptee you have two sets (or three if bmom and bdad aren't together) and then in-laws. Holidays have to be a nightmare. I don't mind if I can just be "Erikka" in my son's life. I don't need to have him call me mom. I just need to be in my son's life. I have done a lot of growing and accepting in 18 years. I have 3 little kids to think of too- they have a right to know their brother. I can't play games with them (his aparents)- or have some big power struggle. Why can't we all just share? I had to. PS - My frustrations are ONLY to my son's aparents. I, in no means, want to diminish the pain or experiences of others. Last week's phone conversation (with adad) and lack of e-mail follow-up is really frustrating me. I thought of having my husband call adad and ask how his ex-wife contacted bson. My husband does "own" the problem of his ex-wife. Sorry little diatribe there. :grr:

It is easy to want to share when you are the one looking to share and the other person does not want to share. It's easy to say, "why can't they just share?" When I want something from someone, I want the other person to cooperate. What if the shoe was on the other foot? My second oldest daughter just had a baby girl. Would she want to share her daughter with another mother? I know she would not. She is protective, nurturing and that baby is hers. Yes, we share with aunts, uncles, cousins and inlaws but for me that is totally different. They are not sharing a mothering type role. My daughter struggled with abandonment issues most of her life and she took her anger out on me. I tried to be the best mother possible and she was still angry. I understood with my head but my heart ached. Then she finds her birthfamily and all of a sudden she is happy. Now she wants to spend most of her time with her birthfamily. How am I suppose to feel? Am I excited about sharing at this point? No. I feel abandoned and unloved and everything I gave to my daughter was worthless in her eyes. Now I not only have to share her with inlaws but another family that calls her their daughter. Why wouldn't this hurt? I can put myself in my daughter's shoes and understand her dilemma. I understand the agony of being pulled in a tug of war. I can understand a birthmom's agony over having no control over losing her child to adoption. It hurts me too. I can understand her need to reunite and want to be a part of their child's life but it is at the expense of another family who gave their all to that child. I don't mind sharing to a certain extent but my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthfamily. That isn't sharing IMO. Thankfully my daughter is finding her place little by little. The damage done is going to take time to repair. My second oldest has very little compassion for her sister who hurt her badly. My daughter regrets her decision to move in with her birthfamily now but the damage has already been done. Love will build bridges in our family. Thankfully we let love have it's way.

Love4 from your posts and from e-mailing you, I feel like you ARE a a-mom that would share. You have shared. Granted - it went to the extreme, but you still did your part all the way. You raised your daughter well, in a loving household, and you were willing to share her with another family with whom she had a connection. I think you would share your other daughers too. All of you might approach future "reunions" differently because of the extreme nature of this one. I am so glad your second daughter is not in a place to have to "share" her baby. I was soooo happy when I had my other children and no one could stake claim to them (except their daddy of course). On another thought - my mom really threw a doozy at me this weekend. She made the comment, "they loved my son sooo much they wanted him to have 2 parents." I almost puked. He had 2 parents. Granted I did not marry my boyfriend (his dad) THANK GOD! But to this day we are still friends. I couldn't believe she said that. It was so not her place to manipulate the situation for what she thought he should have or not have. Repressed anger - popping up again!!!! Have a great day all!!!

joshsmom, I totally understand and can put myself in your shoes. No one should make such a huge decision for another. I can understand repressed anger. I would want to puke at your parents statement too. I could never force my girls to place their children for adoption. After seeing the agony of it all I could not do that. They would get my support. I see that you understand my position on sharing. Even though they are not biologically mine, they were placed in my arms and I became mom. I can share. I didn't want to share but I had to accept what I could not change. I could not force my daughter to avoid what she has wanted for so many years. I could not deny her birthmom a friendship with my daughter although it was very scary at first. I struggled with jealousy and anger and many of the emotions a birthmom went through when their child was ripped from their arms. I thank you so much that you understand. I thank you that you validate my feelings. I want to validate yours too and the emotions of an adoptee. No one can have total control of the triad but we can work together to come to a place of peace and harmony if our hearts are open to see another point of view. Hugs On another thought - my mom really threw a doozy at me this weekend. She made the comment, "they loved my son sooo much they wanted him to have 2 parents." I almost puked. He had 2 parents. Granted I did not marry my boyfriend (his dad) THANK GOD! But to this day we are still friends. I couldn't believe she said that. It was so not her place to manipulate the situation for what she thought he should have or not have. Repressed anger - popping up again!!!! Have a great day all!!![/QUOTE]