Here's My Story - Part 1

Although my girls are only almost 2 and 3 1/2 years old at present, my story is one I consider to be of healing compared to a while ago and I have been recovering and having success at my life after having placed both my girls for adoption. Anyway, I know some of you know the story of how I had and placed my two girls for adoption, but I don't know if I've ever put like all of the story together in one place before and I've been thinking about putting it down on here for a while now. I don't know maybe it will help someone else out there and maybe it will help me to tell the story again even though I've told it many times and I tell it when I go do high school presentations on adoption, every time is a new, different experience for me and every time helps me in some way, I think. Well, I just haven't written or said the whole story without being rushed through it or anything for a while either. Okay, alright so I know this might sound weird to all of you reading this, but I'm nervous sitting here on the verge of typing down the whole story. Geez, I wouldn't think I'd be this nervous, but my hands are sweaty and I'm kind of shaky lol :p. Anyway, I can tell already this is gonna be a long post lol - so what else is new with me, right ;). Well and maybe I'm dragging this out because I'm nervous of the emotions that might come out in me putting down the whole story here :p. Alright, well, here goes nothing. So, Hi, everyone, my name's Anne and I'm 29 years old. I'm a Birth/Firstmother to two beautiful, gorgeous daughters that are my true loves in my life :). I don't regret placing either one of my girls for adoption, I never have and I never will. I know that I did what was right and what was best for my girls and me in my situations. So, where to start is the question, because really the story of my two girls encompasses other stories and factors of my whole life that some of you know and most of you don't know. Well, I'll start with that I was 25 when I placed my first daughter who is 3 1/2 yrs old now and 27 when I placed my second daughter who is almost 2 years old now. I was dating a guy, who, of course turned out to be a dork, and I started getting sick. I thought I had the flu at first, but it just kept coming and going so I went to this guy, the bdad and told him I thought I might be pregnant and he told me there was no possible way that I could be pregnant. He tried to convince me that I had some weird disease or something that would just go away and that there was no way I could be pregnant so basically he was in denial and to this day, I think he probably still is in denial. Once I realized he was not going to admit to my being pregnant as a reality and that he was totally in denial, I sent him a letter and all the things he'd ever bought me and broke up with him. He never did call me or try to come over and talk to me and see why I was breaking up or check to see if I really was pregnant. He just walked away. So, I relied on my parents for support to get me through the unwed pregnancy and making the decision about adoption vs. parenting. I knew from the beginning that I was going to have a girl even before I had the ultrasound, I just knew. I also had a feeling that she wasn't mine that she was meant to be raised by someone else and I knew right away that I was going to place her for adoption. The way I was raised and taught all my life, abortion was never an option that crossed my mind. I have always felt that there was only two options once you got pregnant and that was to parent or to place. So, I went to the agency and started talking to a counselor about adoption and also made sure I explored my options and felt secure and comfortable in my choice to place my daughter for adoption, which I did. Then I started looking through profiles and narrowed it down to 3 couples and then I prayed and discussed it with my parents heavily before picking the couple S & L that would be my 3 1/2 yr old's parents. I sent an announcement to them telling them that I had chosen them to be the parents to my daughter and then we set up to meet each other and talk at the agency. So, we met each other and talked at the agency and everything just clicked and felt comfortable between us and we began developing our relationship through letters from that point on. Even though I knew I was going to place my daughter for adoption and I knew it was right, it was still one of the hardest things I'd ever do. I still wondered, thought and prayed about if I really had to place my baby girl for adoption or if there was some way that I could parent here, but I had some very special personal experiences in answer to my prayers and also in connection to the aparents of my 3 1/2 yr old that showed me without a doubt that they were meant to be my daughter's parents and raise her so I stopped questioning it. Well, I met the aparents of my 3 1/2 yr old in February and then I had my baby girl on March 14 - she was 5 days late and it was a long, hard labor for me. I ended up staying in the hospital with her for 3 days instead of 2 because she had jaundice and had to stay under the lights at the hospital an extra day to get her bilirubin/jaundice level down to normal/safe range. I cherished every moment with my baby girl in those 3 days and I remember the last day I held her in my arms in the morning before we left the hospital to go get pictures taken at Kiddie Kandids on the way to the agency...I remember that day, that morning so clearly because she was so beautiful and tiny and perfect - my baby girl - and I fed her and she was more alert than she'd been and she was wide eyed looking right at me and she smiled at me. Oh, I know people say it's only gas and that babies don't really smile at you in the first few days, but my baby girl was really smiling at me, that much I know and it melted my heart forever on the spot. It was in that moment when my eyes met hers and she was smiling at me that it seemed to me that everything melted away except for her and me and I felt that we were the only two people there communicating with each other through our eyes, which are the windows to our souls. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt her soul and heart communicating with mine in that moment and I knew she knew who I was that I was her mother and that that day was the day I was going to place her in the arms of her other mother who would raise her and I knew she could sense my heartache and grief and I felt her sending me her love and telling me thank you for letting my other mother, L, raise me and doing this for me because of how much you love me - she knew and communicated so much to me and I to her through our heart and souls in just a few moments that would last a lifetime and forever be engraved in my memory and in my heart. So, we left the hospital, went and took pictures of my first baby girl at Kiddie Kandids and then we went to the agency where placement happened. I went into a room with my parents and the counselor and witnesses and signed my rights away while I held my baby girl in my arms - I refused to part with her until I felt it was time to place her in the arms of her amom. Then after I signed the papers, we all took turns saying goodbye to my baby girl and I took the longest. Some of the memory of my saying goodbye to my first baby girl is a blur, but I remember holding her and kissing her face and her hands over and over while I was crying and could barely see through my blurry vision. I told her how much I loved her and that I always would and so many things and then I felt that it was time to go to the room with the aparents and do the actual placement. I went into the room with the aparents and we talked and I gave them all the gifts I'd made to send with her. I made an afghan, gave her a stuffed Tigger, some of my favorite children's books, a lot of things and sentimental things that would be like a connection between me and my first baby girl. The aparents asked me about how my labor went, how I was doing and all these things and they gave me some gifts too - one of which is a ring that is engraved with "Forever Grateful" that I always wear that the adad made for me. So, all this went on for a time and then everything was done with gift exchanging and the talking stopped and I looked at my counselor with that look that said Is now the time when I'm suppose to get up and place my daughter in this other mother's arms? My counselor nodded yes to me and I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it, but I asked them who wanted to hold her first and the adad gestured toward the amom and she motioned that she wanted to hold my baby girl - soon to be her baby girl first - so I got up and walked across the room to where they were sitting and gently placed my baby girl in L's (the amoms) arms. And it was in that moment when I placed my first baby girl in her amom's arms and saw that look of incredible joy and deep love on her face as she looked at my baby girl that made everything worthwhile. I felt so much joy at seeing the joy, love and happiness on my baby girl's amom's face in that moment that I knew she would raise my baby girl and love her with the same incredible love as I did. I wouldn't have been able to leave my baby girl with her if I hadn't seen evidence of that deep love for my baby girl in her eyes, but I did and since then I've never questioned it. After I placed my first baby girl in her amom's arms then we took a bunch of pictures, hugged and talked and then we left because emotionally it was time to leave. I remember saying goodbye to them and then saying my last goodbye and leaving my last kiss on my baby girl's forehead just before I left the room and went home to begin the long journey of healing and grieving. I write/e-mail regularly with my 3 1/2 yr old's parents and we send/exchange lots of pictures, home movies and gifts whenever we want. We've become closer as time as gone on and we are very good friends and I feel that they are my family as well. So, now we go onto the story of having and placing my almost 2 yr old.