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Hopefully someone can help... here is my story... I've always known I was adopted and it never bothered me. My freshman year in college one day I decided to see if I could find my bmom and I did. We began talking on the phone.. things seemed fine and we got along great right away. I visited her soon after. I always had to visit her for some reason she never came to me. I feel like I did most of the work and I feel like I should not have but I did. So that was in sept sometime. My bday is in nov. Soon after my bmom get pregnant for the first time. Things were good I was excited to have a bsister. She and her husband even asked me to be the godmother. I was asked to be at the delivery the next summer and I was. This is when things started to go badly... I never knew how I felt about some things until I was standing there in the same hospital I was born in watching my bmom talk about how perfect her new baby was... my first thoughts were why wasn't I perfect? Why didn't you want me? The next few days she didn't really want me around.. I was staying with her mom. I told her mom how i was feeling and she tried to help me. After the birth of the new baby suddenly my bmom had no time to talk to me.. maybe that is selfish but she had time to talk to everyone else... soon the calls started to stop... i wrote her and email about how i was feeling and she responded by telling me it was selfish to feel like that. Then after a while in feb. things between us got pretty bad. I had asked her if she would be home one weekend b/c i was going to be in the area and i got a email response saying sorry but they had plans maybe she could catch me another time. So I asked her mom if she knew what they were doing and my bmom got upset about that. She called me and yelled at me for talking to her mom about her. Then we talked things out. The next day I check my email and there is an email saying she can't have me in her life anymore. She blamed me for her life being how it was apparently she said she had a bad life after she gave me up and having this new baby is her only chance to be a mom. Which mad me mad b/c it was HER choice to not be my mom not mine. I responded really badly to this and gave her a piece of my mind which was really mean. Mean emails were exchanged her mom even called me and said I was a lowlife who didn't deserve to be in their family... My bmom told her mom that if she had contact with me she would stop talking to her so I haven't talked to anyone in her family since. I have never been so hurt by what someone has said to me. I don't I deserve to be treated that way by anyone especailly a family who was so hurt by giving me up supposedly. After that incindent I don't believe anything they have ever said to me. After that I cried almost everday and I had a really hard time. I didn't do well that semester in school... I am in college so I drink and evertime I did i would always end up crying about it. So then summer came and I started to get over it... so I thought until about a month ago when it all came back for no reason. I am guess because my bday is this friday so it reminds me of it? I don't know. I feel like it shouldn't hurt anymore and I really want it to stop. I don't understand if it hurt so much to give me away why would you do it again? I completely resent her now... I just don't know why she would do that to me... I made so much effort to see her and get to know her to be shut out... not only shut out but blamed for things which were not my fault. I want her to feel all my pain as much as I do which is why I probably responded to her email in such a mean way. I hate feeling this way because I have no one to talk to because no on knows anything about feelings of adopted people. I don't know how to move on from this. In my opinion it was bad enough she gave me away the first time and said it hurt so much and then did it again. I just dont understand if anyone has some advice or anything please let me know. THanks.
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I can see that all this nasty backstabbing etc is hurtful. Also the husband doesn't understand the dynamics of adoption and he is being disrespectful of your aparents. both families have to realise that the other is not going away from your life. My husband keeps out of my relationship with my bdaughter and her parents and that has hurt her so you can't win either way it seems! Is it possible to move forward with your bmother by seeing her when hubby is at work or meeting up with her at a nutural place - ie the mall - without him and the grandmother? I think that by avoiding them and just dealing with your bmother that things will improve. Also when you are feeling hurt or sad about about the adoption ie at the birth of your bsib. Do think about what you tell yur bmother at that time and why you are telling her those feelings. For example my bdaughter told me soon after the birth of my last child that he and my other children are not her sibs and that she didn't want to see them and have an emotional connection to them. This really hurt me at a time when I was fulled with joy over a new child etc. Yes, my bdaughter has every right to feel this way and have nothing to do with my kept children BUT since I had not asked her to come see teh newborn could she have just left it? I new she felt this way about my other chidlren so why did she have to rub salt into the wound - ya know? I realise now that I also needed a break because all I ever heard from her was negative stuff. I never got any feed back that she even wanted me in her life. I did ask her once and she just shrugged her shoulders. I think it would be nice to tell your bmother that you value having her in your life and you want to maintain a relationship with her and her newborn. Then make sure visits with her occur without her husband.
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that you were hurt like that...it must feel awful HUGSif you want a relationship with this woman you have to develope TRUST. I would write to her and build it up from there. Maybe she would like to start over. Nothing is as hopeless as it may seem. I would def talk to her about her husband tho...he has no biz getting between you and your mom.Good luck to you...
Hello all,
As this is my first post...I'm a little nervous! But here goes.
I have been in reunion for 18 years, you would think that we would have things down to a science by now, but we don't. I don't want to say that I "hate" my birth mother, but I'm at a point in my own life that it hurts me very much to...need to accept that fact that even though my afamily was not a good situation and I have no contact with them, that I'm not so sure my birth mother could or would have been able to raise me and do a good job on her own. She got pg not long after my adoption and I have a full sibling that is 20 months younger than me...he has not faired well in life and I believe it to be because of the up bringing that he had with my bmom, plus when he was six yrs old, there for the second reliquishment of my bsister, he had to tell people that the baby died. I don't have allot of respect for her at this point, this just occurred in the last few years...I know this is allot of rambling and I know that I am leaving allot of blank spaces....sorry, but I want you to know that I hear you and understand your reasons for disliking her at the moment...I too get so upset at the fact that because I'm an adult now that I have to be respectful of others, be mindful of how my comments may harm when in actuality if I were still the hurt child I would be allowed to throw big tantrums and they would be accepted...well the same pain is there, the same hurt is there, but once again I have to conform to what others want around me...HELLO, the anger and frustration that I feel comes from the fact that I have never had a say in any of this and I still don't!!!!!! I'm mad as hell at my bmom, I didn't create any of this and I have never once heard her accept responsibility for the role that she played....instead I get the how everybody prevented her from keeping me story to only have to here how she managed to keep my brother less then two years later! This is all coming to a head for me right now and I'm not sure why. I partly believe it is because I'm now a mother, to a 10 yr old and a 3 yr old and know first hand the hard work and dedication that goes into parenting properly. I also know that this is why I have been searching for some relief...I'm really glad that I found this group. Thank you for your post, you've given me the courage I need to come forward and talk on this subject.
I know what your going through... since my reuion my birth mother has only seen me 5 times if that... Guilt is a killler and sometimes guilt and being ashamed will prevent anything from steming into a relationship...If the relationship with your bmom isnt working now it never will...And know its not you it's prbly all she is capable of...
Hi,
I am sorry you feel all this pain. I have an adopted daughter and I hope she'll never feel this way.
I imagine that when women give their child up for adoption, they do not feel they can provide for their child and so by giving them up (and hurting in the process) they feel their child will have a nice life with a mom that will give them all that they can't. It is in essence enduring pain of not having you for the knowledge that your life will be better with someone who can give you all you need. That in my mind is a brave thing to do.
Giving someone else the parenting responsibility means that they are not in a sence responsible for taking care of you emotionally as well. So when you get to meet one day, they take you as a person that they are not responsible for but rather as a friend or as a sister.
Since you were needing more from your birthmom, it was probably very difficult for her. She thought she was doing the right thing by giving up her parenting responsibility, she endured a lot of pain, and now she sees that you are not able to understand that. Was your adoptive mom loving, supportive, nurturing?
Please do not take this as a non supportive message, because I totally understand how you feel. However I think not being in your shoes helps me see your birthmom's side as well since I do not have the pain you both feel.
Your birthmom dealt with a lot of pain after giving you up and she probably can't deal with anymore pain. Your desire to have your bithmom care for your pain is too difficult for her, since she felt pain as well by giving you up. To restore your relationship, it would take a professional to help you both. Because alone in pain you both are easily swayed to say the ugly without realizing that you are both hurting. Remember your birthmom is a mom for the first time right now and wants to do it right. She doesn't know how to parent someone older, like you. She never learned yet. That is why is no longer wants to be around you. You are too much pain for her. She loved you as a baby and did what she thought was best. Had you come back saying thank you, I had a wonderful life, she would have known that her pain was worth it. Now she may see that her pain was not worth it and in addition she has more pain to endure by watching your anger. To heal your pain, it will be better to do it through someone else. One day when you have worked through it, (hopefully that will happen for you) you will be able to see your birthmom in a different role, not as your caretaker but as someone special. If I have hurt you in anyway but saying this, I am truly sorry for you have not chosen this life. It was given to you this way. But remember even when people grow up with their birthparents, things are not always easy. Parents may try their best and children do not see it. Then the pain a child feels comes across to a parent as a difficult accusation.
I hope you can find someone to talk with so you can see that you are special and that the actions of your birthmom are not as a result of wanting to get rid of you but as a result of too much pain.
With love,
Veronika
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Hi Banjo,
Great question! My bmother can help me deal with my pain by being a responsible adult and strong adult in the present and future. Her continued weakness with the child she raised, her finances, her inability/unwillingness to discuss adoption issues with me and her other daughter that she reliquished...which I would totally be able to understand, but for the fact that my bmom is heavily involved in adoption reform and support, she can discuss and support soooooooo many others but is unble to give the same listening ear and support to her own two daughters that she is in reunion with, and lucky for her we are more than willing to work on the relationship and stick around for the long haul. Adoption has taught and allowed her to be the eternal victim. Her inability/unwilliness to see how her past hurts from her parents have spilled over into the next generation and continue with the grandkids...it is so sad. She makes me anger because she continues to show me that she really couldn't have raised me and that the horibble adoptive family I was placed with actually did me more good!
"Giving someone else the parenting responsibility means that they are not in a sence responsible for taking care of you emotionally as well. So when you get to meet one day, they take you as a person that they are not responsible for but rather as a friend or as a sister. "
Veronika this is a valid point.
I don't actually know how I could practically help my bdaughter resolve her issues. I have told her that I am sorry for putting her in this adoption situation. I do my best to understand her pain. For me to ever continue in a relationship with her there needs to be some fun, laughter and positive stuff as well as discussing the issues.
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Could it be that when you were in the hospital, that she was emotional from just having a Baby? Think of this objectively, Here with her in the room is the child that she "gave" away and in her arms is the child that she plans on keeping. She probably felt horrible. not to mention all of those postpartum hormones fluctuating. Is it possible that you both overreacted a little. No what she said to you was wrong. But from my point of view simply by what you said, jeaously maybe? Being Selfish? I can completely understand where you are coming from for I am a reunited adoptee as well who has had many ups and downs in the realtionship HOWEVER, I do not let my feelings get in the way on a relationship that i have wanted for 10 plus years. Yes you guys said some things that hurt. Have you ever heard of forgive and forget? It is obvious that you want a relationship with her and she wants one with you otherwise she would not have sent you a bday card. Swallow your pride and move on, if that means apologizing for you actions even if you think you are right DO THAT. Bottom line is that you want a realtionship so not throw it away over feelings in a VERY emotional situation for anyone.
banjo
"So when you get to meet one day, they take you as a person that they are not responsible for but rather as a friend or as a sister."
banjo
"I don't actually know how I could practically help my bdaughter resolve her issues. I have told her that I am sorry for putting her in this adoption situation. I do my best to understand her pain. For me to ever continue in a relationship with her there needs to be some fun, laughter and positive stuff as well as discussing the issues.
I think reunion only successfully works when both parties are in the same space. I would love to know how many reunions and open adoption relationships actually ever work or last a long time. The pain and the feelings of loss and rejection are often to big to overcome and destroy any goodness. such a shame. That's why I get so annoyed when I hear about adopted parents feeling insecure or opposing reunion. If they new how difficult it was and that it most likely would not last long term then I am sure many aparents would just backoff and let it take it's course and save everyone some grief. In the end if an adoptee has great parents then they will always have that role. It is extremely rear for an adoptee to abandon a healthy afamily.
I'm very sorry for your hurt and pain. Don't apologize for how you feel. I agree with you that just using the word "hate" intensifies your anger but perhaps you really don't want to hate her, you might just need to sort out your feelings. Please don't turn to drinking but locate a good and effective therapist that can help you work thru your feelings. Work on you and getting to a place where you feel better. Sometimes our expectations don't give us the results we hope for. I am preparing to adopt my 3 young grandchildren. I need to learn all I can to help them adjust, grow and handle what might lie ahead for them emotionally as they come to terms with their mother. Hearing your story makes me mindful of what my grandchildren may grow up and face. It is never easy and I commend you for being so articulate in your posts. You are a good person and deserve the best. Finish college, surround yourself with supportive people, locate a support group and a therapist and, work toward developing heathy relationships with folks that will add good to your life. You deserve no less. Take care. Nell
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I agree with what others have said about the post-partum phase being very emotional and stressful, even for women with less emotional baggage than your birthmother. You're suddenly responsible for keeping another human being alive and it's a 24 hour a day job. Factor in unresolved emotions due to your relinquishment, and it's not really surprising that things got heated. It's not fair at all for her to blame you for how her life turned out (you didn't impregnate her, for goodness sake), but it sounds like she felt too much pressure at a bad time. I agree with the idea of seeing a therapist or a support group to try to deal with your feelings. With time, the two of you may be able to understand each other's side better.
Oh my goodness - I know exactly how you feel. I found my bmom three years ago and things were going "okay". But I was starting to get tired of the "shallowness of the relationship." Whenever I asked her how she felt about the adoption/me, she would avoid it at all costs. I too was always going to her house to meet with her, help her with her chores as her husband (not my bio dad) had a stroke and couldn't help her with any of it. I bought her gifts - many times "just because". Told her constantly how beautiful she was, how much I loved her and missed her. And like you, she recently started backing off from me. Told me two weeks ago that she didn't want me to e-mail her ever again, etc. Last week I asked her to go to counseling with me and she said yes only to show up for the session for 15 minutes until she walked out. I was crushed. I am trying so hard to "move on" and get over her, but it is hard. I just can't believe she rejected me twice. She also has two other children (which are my half bro/half sis) that really want nothing to do with her; but she doesn't abandon them - no matter what they do. I haven't done anything to her accept love her and try to take care of her as a child should - - only to be abandoned. I feel your pain.