Confused father of unwanted child...

I do believe if the father wanted to parent....then the mother would still be required to some responsibility. Non-custodial parents are still required to pay child-support to the custodial parent...in this case the father. I don't believe that most states allow 1 parent to sign off their rights without a complete third party adoption....they do award sole custody to one parent or the other...but the courts don't just allow non-custodial parents off the hook with out good reason.

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your input(whether I agree with it or not).To the people who said I can "make time" I would like to point out that I'm going to medical school in a foreign country for the next 4 years and then going into a 3 year residency program. In residency 70-80 hour work weeks are the norm and I have almost no choice about where I get placed--so my role is extremely limited unless I opt for another profession(which I am strongly looking into). I know the following will look like a cold blooded response...but it's as true as a response I can give. In the meantime since my first post my gf and I have discussed possibly going to med school together so thats one option we are entertaining right now--although I already have developed some feelings of resentment about her choice not to acknowledge the obstacles and think critically about the situation(and not just her emotions). When someone tells you they want to pay for the baby with credit cards that's not exactly what I consider a plan.To MlynnBrrtt, You are wrong on this front. My family told me that my gf is not welcome in their home and I'm now financially cut off from them.I agree with most of this. Unfortunately this isn't a "family"--this is a boy who got his girlfriend pregnant. A family is MUCH more than this--its a union where two people are comitted to eachother to make their situation work.I'm 50% responsible for this kid. My child's wellbeing is my interest. I do not see what is wrong with me making my opinion heard. It is ultimately her decision--it's not like I'm holding a gun to her head telling her what to do. But please, don't tell me it's "not my place" to voice my opinion about what I think is best for my child.And yes, it is a place of fear, confusion, and inconvenience. I fear that my child will end up in an extremely disadvantaged situation. I think you are forgetting that this is not about her or myself--but my child's wellbeing. I assure you I've gone through plenty of emotional and psychological changes. Obviously they are not the same changes she has gone through but it's not as though I think about it for a second, shrug my shoulders, and then go about my day. I've been disowned by my family over entertaining the option of raising this child--give me a little credit.Once again, it's not about her.I don't disagree with anything written here other than the approach that the mother's wellbeing is the primary concern.

Again, I would like to send you some encouragement. After all this is what the adoption forum is about. I, nor anyone else must live in your shoes, feel your feelings and frustrations. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you sort through your thoughts, feelings, and decisions.All of them will be difficult to do, and please feel free to vent and think out loud on here- hopefully the posts will always be free from accusations and put downs...No one here is in the position to accuse, belittle or denote anyone else's choices, thoughts or feelings. I hope you do not feel like you are belittled or unheard for being honest. Heidi

Physics: Sorry to hear that you don't have support from your family. That must make things even more complicated. But I'm glad you came back to post, there aren't that many fathers that post here in your situation (as you can see) and to give their perspective. I really commend you for trying to put your child's wellbeing first. Again I know its a hard position to be in, I hope you continue to try to work out this situation the best way you and your girlfriend can. Try to "stick together" it's hard enough to be in the situation you are in without the added complication of being resentful towards eachother. Again, I hope it works out for you and feel free to post or PM if you need advice.

I am sorry your parents are not happy about the situation - that's such an old fashioned reaction - shame on them. I'd be shopping up large and burning with desire to get my hands on my grandchild! But everyone is different. If you go to the foreign med school for your child's first three years it is not the end of your relationship with this child. Just make the effort when you return. remember it is better to do something rather than nothing plus children really need their dads when they are teenagers.my father worked long hours while i grew up but he slowed down by the time i was a teen and i respected his no-nonsense approach. our relationship took off from there. i respect him a lot. Don't dispare please try to see this baby as a blessing not a crisis. as a birthmother i can tell u that i have had years of depression and grief over the loss of my child. i would not want your ex-girlfriend to suffer this.

Dear Physics junkie, You are indeed in a difficult place. I am the daughter of a doctor also. My parents were married during his senior year of college and I was born 11 months later. They were not going to have any children for 2 years and by their 2nd anniversary had 2 children. (Dad was then in his first year of med school, having spent the year of my birth as a graduate assistant.) The fourth of his children was born during his internship - he was the intern on ob/gyn rotation that month, but that's another story.) Dad always managed to find time to spend with us even though he was very busy. (He taught me to hold a pencil at nine months - I still don't hold it correctly.) Admittedly, he did his residency in anesthesia in his forties (with 3 of his children in college). (In case you haven't figured it out, I love my dad very much!) That whole time in school was spent living on borrowed money, by the way. (admittedly, the money came from his dad - a farmer who believed his son would eventually come home to the farm - and not a bank.)They had to account to my grandfather for every penny they spent. I guess what I'm tryng to say is that it is possible. The Navy paid for my brother's medical school. In a year or so he will retire for the Army reserves (another long story!) as a full colonel. He also did his residency an active duty in the Navy. All kinds of things are possible even if they're not what we originally plan. I do understand your frustration with having no say. My son has had the same thing happen to him. The mother of his son went home to her parents, didn't even name him on the birth certificate and gave him no say on what happens/happened with their child. (She did say he could move to Oklahoma if he wanted to) It is difficult when you are wanting to have some part in the decisions that are made after procreation to feel like your thoughts, wants, desires are being ignored. As I think about it, while I listed him on the birth certificate, I never said anything to D's birth father until after D was born - I never even told him I was pregnant - so I don't know what he would have wanted. I did ask him years later what he would have said or done. He simply said there was no point in dealing in "what ifs."You are in my thoughts and prayers. Babies change our lives and plans,

My principal thought is this:You are making what you believe are rational arguments in a situation where your partner is not thinking rationally. It's not at all unusual for an expectant mother to make an adoption plan early in pregnancy - where the child is more conceptual than physical. Now, this child is definitely more physical - moving, kicking, changing her body - and there are powerful emotional and endocrine changes on the scene.For you, the changes have yet to come - you're not feeling major hormonal changes, this child to you is still more conceptual than physical, even as you see your girlfriend's body change with its' presence. So how to present rational thought to someone who's not listening in your view? This is valuable to you not only in your current situation but as you move towards your intended profession, where you will confront this pattern again and again - people facing life-changing events who are not 'rationally' but rather emotionally processing them. First, remember that none of us are Mr. Spock, and even he was half-human and hampered by those pesky emotions.Second, remember that those emotions have a purpose in our life, a valid and valuable one that is ancient in its' roots.Third, do your double-dog-darndest best to put yourself in her shoes, to experience this pregnancy as she is.I have found when faced with an emotional decision maker, the best strategy is to first, "be" in their emotional state, speak to it, then "be" and communicate from your emotional place, rather than your rational mind place. Emotional reasoning understands like, not different.You may also find that your views change once this child separates from its' mother and is born. It is one thing again to make a rational argument about something more conceptual than actual. It's quite another to look that child in the eyes. Again, not unlike many other situations in your chosen career path. I've seen more than one doctor advocate for radical procedures based on logic....until it's their body, their life in the balance. Then their perceptions and their decision making process changes, sometimes quite surprisingly even to themselves.It's why I always ask my health care providers whether they've experienced the condition personally, either themselves or their family. Also why I choose female OB/GYNs. :)Regardless of what happens here, both of your lives are irrevocably changed. The path has taken a sharp bend and you're both reeling from it. Allow yourself to reel a bit without the "logical" constraints. You may find that frees you and allows you some insight as well.Best,Regina

I think you need to step back, and start looking at the situation for what it is.First of all, you aren't in the driver's seat here. You can't make your girlfriend place her/your baby for adoption. If she chooses to parent, she has that legal right.So your choice isn't to place or not to place. You also can't choose whether to pay child support or not to pay. If your girlfriend decides to keep this child, you're on the hook financially for the next 18 years, at least.What you *do* get to choose is the way that you'll parent. You can be an absentee father, with no relationship to your child except via a monthly check. You can be a drop-in dad who shows up once or twice a year and who is basically a stranger. Or you can take an active role with this child, and build a relationship to last a lifetime. You can get to know all the wonderful joys of parenting (and take my word for it, they are absolutely incredible!)Look, I know exactly what it's like to have a huge drive to succeed in a career. And I know full well what a career in the sciences entails. (I'm a Johns Hopkins Ph.D., so I am *acutely* aware of what a career in the medical sciences entails). But you need to think about what the costs are of focusing so intently on your career, and think long and hard about what tradeoffs you're willing to make.For example, you keep insisting that you ARE going to a foreign medical school. Why? We have many fine medical schools here in the U.S. (My alma mater, for example!) If your grades are keeping you out of a U.S. medical school, is medicine really the career for you?You insist that you're going to have a 90 hour a week residency. Why? There are many specialties that don't require those kinds of gruelling hours. Dermatology. Ophthamology. Some psychiatry residencies are basically 9 to 5. Even something as demanding as maxillofacial surgery rarely requires long stretches on call. Heck, I had a roommate who was on a brain surgery team, and she didn't work a 90 hour week during her residency. There is nothing that requires you to specialize in emergency medicine or obstetrics, for goodness sake! Pick a specialty with better hours!!There are lots of compromises you can make that will allow you to have a career and be a parent, too. It's not easy (and nobody ever promised you it would be). But it is do-able. I'm a tenured professor, I've done long bouts of foreign fieldwork, I've published three books, and I consult to the Centers for Disease Control. And I've done it all with one adopted child and ten foster kids--not all at the same time, thank God, but ten nonetheless! It can be done.Finally, I would encourage you to take a long hard look at why you're so committed to medicine, and how those values play into your parenting decisions. Do you want to be a doctor because you care deeply about people and their well-being? Could you really uphold that value in your career while you walk away from the opportunity to care for your own child and ensure his or her well-being? I'm not trying to push you or your girlfriend into any decision, one way or another, about placing. I'm an adoptive mom myself, so I don't have any particular views on birthparents' decisions---you have to do what's right for you. But if either you or she decides to parent, PLEASE, step up to the plate and do a good job of it! Don't jerk your kid around. If you have a kid, put being a good father at the top of your list of priorities. Careers come and go, but your children are precious.Best of luck to you.

I hate to ask, but how does a physician, much less somebody in an OB/GYN rotation have four unplanned pregnancies? Derrr.....time to check the latest edition of Gray's Anatomy again.....! :-) It must be a great family story!

I'd like to state that changing your mind back and forth during a pregnancy from adoption to parenting and back again isn't irrational. It's a completely normal progression of thought processes during an unplanned pregnancy and shouldn't be labeled as anything other than "normal." Now, if she starts talking about selling the child for magic beans, we can start saying that she's thinking and acting irrationally.It is totally rational to want to parent your own child.

P.S. A Caribbean medical school? Are you out of your mind?!?!?!! First of all, if you're looking for decent medical training without U.S.-style debt, go to Poland or the Czech Republic. It's European-quality medical education without the high price tag.Second, if the problem is your undergrad grades, don't go to medical school. It's not worth the struggle!Have you thought about a career in nursing? The educational requirements are easier, the debt load is lower, and the job market is unbelievably good. You can work anywhere you want and make a very good salary. The hours are better, and there's no ridiculous trial by fire during a residency. And if you become a nurse practitioner, you're basically doing what a primary care physician does anyway.

No one said it wasn't. What I meant to convey was this: Sometimes, we make our decisions based on dispassionate logic - I make X dollars a month, I have Y dollars in expenses, I can afford Z house payment. Therefore I buy this house.Other times, we make decisions based on emotional logic - my heart wants this, despite any 'dispassionate logic', I'm going to have it. I don't care if I don't have a job, or I have bezillion dollars of debt, and I can't financially afford it, I can swing it so I'm buying it.When one is making decisions from emotional logic - what my heart wants - presenting dispassionately logical responses that are in conflict with emotion is generally not effective for behavior change. Sometimes, yes, the person listens, and makes a different choice. Sometimes they don't. What I have found when faced with someone who is making a decision based on their emotions is to relate to those emotions rather than belittle or deny or berate them for them. Saying "You can't afford this house", "You are stupid to want this house", "You don't know what you're doing" to someone whose heart desperately wants that house has no effect, because it in many cases falls on deaf ears. The heart does not care that what it wants is not 'dispassionately logical'. It wants what it wants, and it will 'make it work' (or at least do it's darndest).I've seen this a thousand times in healthcare - the patient presented with a diagnosis and course of treatment that they do not acknowledge or follow because emotionally, they're not in that place. Diabetics, type II in particular come to mind. "Yes I understand sugar will kill me but just one cookie won't hurt really." Until they are blind. Really. I see people shop around for the answer *they* want, even if they find it on the Internet written by an illiterate person halfway around the world: "See, this guy in Greenland says that if I drink green tea and snail cartiledge my cancer will 100% cured. So I'm declining radiation therapy and doing that" Really. I have gotten that from a patient.I'm not saying this woman is irrational. I'm saying that making dispassionately logical statements to someone using emotional logic isn't generally successful. Her heart wants to parent, and it's not likely to listen to 'we can't afford it' or 'you'll derail your career' thoughts if it hasn't by now because it plain old doesn't want to. Best,Regina

No, no... only 3 were unplanned. #3 was the planned one! (Dad always said that after the second one they figured out what was causing it and fired the milkman.) I always thought it was pretty hysterical since dad was a biology major in college. On the other hand, my mother liked the rhythm method... And of course there was the diaphragm - by the first time she figured out how to put it in, Dad had fallen asleep. Oh yes, there are lots of great family stories. (I like to point out that my picture is in the 1956 yearbook for Temple Medical School - although it doesn't make me a doctor!LOL)

Hi Physics- I can't say I've been in your shoes but I do realize how hard it is for daddy in an unplanned pregnancy- especially when the family support isn't there for you. My child's father is in a similar situation- played nice at first but have been pretty rough on him (and me) since. Don't know your personal situation re. close friends/older males/religious role models... but find someone you can talk to who will truly listen. It's true that you aren't carrying the child in your body and feeling him/her kicking but your life is none the less entwined. It's tough to have responsibility and seemingly no control or say-so. Not sure how much it will help... really depends on where you go... but sometimes crisis pregnancy centers have people for the daddies-to-be to talk with also. You need support too. As far as med school, reconsider stateside. Yes, it's more expensive, but it is possible to complete and to be a daddy while you do that (if that's how it turns out). If that doesn't work due to financial I strongly suggest the Polish option. Excellent education, less expense but will once again separate you from your child (ready or not). This is not the end. There is hope and a future for you.

By the way, I thought maybe I should add to my dad's story - None of us would ever have changed our parents for any other. I know we made our parents lives much more difficult, but they made it work. I'm not saying it's what you should do. I am saying that I know it can be done.