Reunion - bmom with bson - does it get better?

I'm so sorry Jannyroo. This has not been my experience so I don't have a lot of advice. Spend some time deciding what the parameters are for you in this relationship. Let him know that you are not rejecting him, but you can't cope with some of his behaviors right now. Tell him he's welcome to contact you but he must take responsibitity for his own actions; that you look forward to the day that he is clean. That you want a positive relationship with him. (Assuming the above is true!) My reunion (about 14 months now) is going very well and yet... While we are comfortable with each other we don't communicate at a very deep level. He has shared some about what it was like for him growing up, but not what he feels about me then or now. On the other hand, he believes our relationship is healthy. I believe in hope (and in prayer). As long as there is life, possibility of change exists.

Jannyroo, how are things going with your son now?

Hi, Thanks for asking. I feel a bit alone at the moment. I've just put a thread about my first letter from my son's amom. I've heard nothing from him for 6 weeks or more now and its hard. I sent him a card with a greeting of "thinking of you with lots of love" so that the door is effectively open. I know he's still mad with me, but I can't afford to dance to his tune. I've been encouraged not to do this as it may be "feeding" his manipulative behaviour that comes from his drugs and alcohol problems. I'm resigned not to hear from him now, so that I can cope with each day. I just drove 460 miles from between 3pm yesterday to 4.30pm today (overnight stay at my sisters) and I thought about him and his first letter from his amom all the time. It helped though! As does this forum. I will be seeing my counsellor Thursday week and I can tell her about my feelings about the letter. It was a nice letter and yet.... I wish she could have acknowledged my letter more, she said it made her shocked, angry then sympathetic and yet I find it hard to figure why, unless she was angry with the information her son gave me. I'm so confused. I wish I was a jannyroo rather than a mom. I don't deserve to be called mom, she is the mom, I'm a single adult with no experience in child raising. I've got 20 or more photos of him as a child growing up and I wasn't there. Ouch!

Jannyroo,You are the woman who gave birth to him; while that doesn't necessarily make you "mom" in the same way his amom is... you didn't change his diapers, feed and clothe him, etc..., I believe there is a connection there that never quite can be broken. If you've followed any of my story, D doesn't call me mom, he calls me Kathy, yet we have a very comfortable relationship. A lot of the credit for that goes to the fact that at 34 he's pretty comfortable with who he is and where he is in life. Being in contact with me is more like the whipped topping on the Sundae - it's kind of an added bonus. He's also not dealing with drug/alcohol issues. (I recognise that I am incredibly lucky.) Have you considered continuing the correspondence with his amom? Instead of trying to guess why she stated she was shocked, angry, etc., why not ask her. I think it's often stressful for aparents when their kids find their bparents and want to spend all their time with them. Some of them end up feeling they aren't considered the "real" parents either. HAVING CHILDREN IS NOT FOR THE WEAK!!! How wonderful that you've gotten some pics of him as a child. I've gotten several pictures of him as a child. He's promised to give me a copy of one that he has on his wall which is of him as a baby with his aparents. I know it's difficult to realize that you were't there as he was growing up. You wrote, You deserve to be called mom because he is literally a part of you - flesh of your flesh; you nurtured him in your body for 9 months and gave birth to him. You obviously love him and are in pain over his life choices. You cannot change the past...you can only deal with life as it exists now. You need to mourn the little boy you didn't raise and the young man who seems to be choosing to throw his life away. That's a lot of pain. Continue with your counseling. You cannot change your bson, but by figuring out how to set your own boundaries and by beginning to heal yourself, you won't get sucked into his "games" and he will have to change how he related to you! Can you become a support for his amom? I've read you post about amoms. I sent D's a Mother's Day card thanking her for being his mother, telling her how important it was for me to know how much he had been (and is) loved. Hang it there; get yourself as healthy as you can. Ultimately it's the best thing you can do for him

Thanks for the very kind comments and suggestions, its made me feel so much better - I'm crying at the moment, because there is so much pain, but at last I've heard from him after more than 5 weeks. He's making big efforts to get himself on track - he's off his anti depressants, 24hrs without a cigarette, 48 hours without alcohol - small steps he says he wants to take. I'm going to get some 5HTP off to him to help nutritionally "support" him, once we've spoken, which he says will be soon. I can't tell you the relief it was to read your reply to my thread, so kind. I've been having such a bad time. I see my counsellor thursday week and I will discuss how to write to my son's amom. Thank you VERY MUCH for your kind thoughts, it made me tearful, but gave me hope. (((hugs))) too.

:wings: Not all tears are bad!! (I cry when I'm happy, sad, angry, etc. Needless to say I cry ALOT!) I believe in what John Donne wrote several hundred years ago, "No man is an island/ no man stands alone/ Each man's joy is joy to me / Each man's grief is my own." (man=human LOL) I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I truly hope he is able to keep his resolutions this time. (Have you ever heard the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?") He has a difficult path ahead of him. (But people do manage to do it, usually with lots of help.) A thought - maybe you could ask amom how you can best support her through this since (I assume) your ultimate goal is to have a healthy, happy son! As always, feel free to email or pm me as well as posting here. >>Hugs<<

Thanks, I've put together a parcel of vitamins & supplements that I've researched off of Julia Ross & Patrick Holfords books/websites and I know worked for me with depression etc - multivitamins/minerals, amino acids (great for fighting addictions, smoking etc) , 5-HTP, GABA (both good antidepressants - no side effects), 1000mg strength vitamin C for stress, pollution, immune system & viruses, chromium polynicotinate which balances blood sugar and reduces craving for sugar (in alcohol and all those junk foods that give such bad moods). I'm a different person since I started this 4 years ago, and I'm confident that if he follows this, it will help him get confidence to go to P Holfords Brain biocentre in London, where they deal with obsessive compulsive disorder (great results for large % of cases apparently) and addictions, depression etc. So, I live in hope and he's said he will phone soon, so that would be good, as before this sad episode of him being rushed to hospital with ecstasy reaction, we actually had reached a comfortableness with each other, despite being very emotional and volatile people (I'm the calmer of the two though, I have to be I guess!) - so my mood is one of anticipation and hope. Will let you know how it goes. ((((hugs)))):coffee:

Sounds good. I will continue to pray that all goes well.

Hi - my son got in touch with me for the first time since he put the phone down on me. I sent him a card with a thinking of you with lots of love and he emailed me back, he reallly loved that card! I then replied to his email and sent him the package of vits I told you about, and he phoned me. I just carried on as though nothing had happened, and there is plenty of joy, as we get back to the level of trust we had before the hospital episode. Also over christmas, he made a big effort and is now trying to cope with withdrawing completely from drugs, alcohol, anti depressants and smoking, so I am sure glad I sent him the nutritional support which will help lots and so is he. He said he needs all the help he can get and his attitude is so wonderful, I want to hug him. He wants to give up completely, despite the fact he's been there before, but this time, I think the nutritional advice etc I've sent/emailed him will help loads, so I am very pleased that we are "united" again and with more trust than ever before, I have to go now, as I'm running out of library internet time, but just wanted to let you know that hope is raising it head. I know he will have setbacks, but he feels wonderful to feel I did that for him and its moved him and me to bits to see his reaction (((hugs))) all round. Time will see. He knows how much I love him more than ever and its hit home. Will let you know as we go along.

Good to hear the good news. Sometimes it's one step forward and 2 back. Sometimes it's 2 forward and one back. Keep plugging.

I've been in reunion with my son for some time, over two years. Ours has been a fairly good reunion but it has had it's bad moments where I have had to deal with his anger. It does get easier to deal with though. Just remember you're the "adult" in the relationship so just be patient - I'm still practising the "P" word:coffee:.