SHE CALLED after initial denial

Yesterday morning the phone rang. I picked it up and a woman on the other end said matter of factly, "Hi, this is...**" . I only know one person by that name but surely this couldn't be HER, the woman who 5 weeks ago, (after a 25 yr search) denied she was who I was looking for. Because I knew I had the right person when I'd contacted her I went ahead and sent her a card w/a couple of pictures of me and my contact info in it, telling her I would still like to speak with her some more. Then I waited, with sadness, resignation, and the knowledge I had done all I could, trying to be satisfied with the fact I had at least heard her voice and let her know I'd had a good life and always had nothing but love and respect for the woman who gave birth to me. (Anyone wanting to read my original post - and ALL the great advice I got from those wiser than myself, it is called "FOUND BIRTHMOTHER BUT SHE DENIES SHE IS..."). The first thing she wanted to know was if I was the person that had placed an ad in her former town's newspaper looking for her mother (who died 25 years ago). I found myself saying to her EXACTLY what she'd said to me 5 weeks ago..."That's so STRANGE, but it isn't ME". She launched right in, saying "Do you know what you've done to me? I can't eat, I can't sleep...etc" to which I apologized profusely, telling her in my excitement at finding her I hadn't considered anything beyond my own feelings, that in my innocence I had imagined that she might jump up and down with joy at being found, and that I had since explored the issue some more and realized how I had broadsided her. She then told me that I was the FIRST person in her life she has EVER spoken to about my birth. That her parents never once mentioned it again after it was over. She didn't know if I'd been a boy or a girl, and in fact doesn't remember ANYthing about it, other than walking up some steps at some point which she thinks must've been when she signed the papers. She is a classic PTSS case. I ended up telling her the story of my birth as I had been told by the doctor who'd delivered me. I had so many details she'd never heard. Ironic, huh? When I spoke with her the first time she had said I could come visit her but NOW she is "paranoid" and doesn't want me to write her "in case someone else sees her mail and might question who it's from" though she lives alone. She wants no more pictures of me because she's already had to hide the one I sent. Right now she wants us to have only phone calls, but yes she is still open to that, and when I told her I was going to be in her area in less than a year she got pretty nervous at the idea, but I told her we could meet anywhere she wanted, where she would feel safe. I told her we had plenty of time to think about that. She is 71 years old and SO AFRAID that this secret of hers will come out and that it would be devastating. I have to respect that even though I agree with her that she's paranoid. Her fear is palpable and I can only imagine what she's gone through recently, but after my call she said she'd wake up in the middle of the night with her heart pounding. She said she'd written me at least 10 letters and had torn them all up until finally she knew she had to face this, face ME, and picked up the phone. We spoke for probably an hour. She'd be going on about how she didn't remember a thing about my birth and how totally inconvenient this turn of events is and then suddenly she'd say "What's your favorite color?" (she likes pastels, I like earth tones). I was really touched when she said there'd been days when she'd be blue or upset for no reason and now thinks that I must've been going through something difficult and she was out there on the psychic airwaves feeling it. And now I know a piece of my heritage and medical history!!! She said "Kiddo, if you're worried about illness and diseases, well, you got great genes!" What a thing for a 50 yr old (me) to hear after 5 decades of being a blank slate. wow. And that I'm French/Irish, which got a good laugh from my husband and friend who immediately said "yep, Irish temper, French attitude". I am so beside myself I almost feel embarrassed to have this new dimension to me, like I'm wearing a new kind of hat I haven't gotten used to. Kinda weird. Of course it's also a little hard to have her so AFRAID that we'll be found out, but she may soften a little as she gets used to the idea that there is someone out there that already loves her, or at least accepts her, pretty unconditionally. She said she had tried to tell herself that knowing I was all right was enough and that there was no reason for her to contact me again. She said she knew I'd known she was the woman I was looking for when I first called. But she was having such a physical response to me contacting her - no sleep, feeling sick, not being able to eat - THAT is why she called me back, her body was not going to let her stuff it again. She knew she had to deal with this now that the dam had a hole poked in it. Can you imagine not speaking of something EVER for 50 years, your biggest secret, and how that must feel to hear it come out, out loud? She seemed to respect, even understand, my feelings and decision to contact her. I kept apologizing, telling her I understood how hugely disruptive my calling her must be, but that I was compelled because she had always been so alive in my heart, as far back as I could remember, how she got me through my own experience of relinquishing a daughter, that I had conversed with her for years, sent her prayers, thoughts, etc and had always felt close to her. She talked about never thinking of me, but then would contradict herself by saying "but then again it's like I thought of you every day". It's like she had this memory with no acceptable place to store it so it just floated around, bobbing into her consciousness randomly as she dodged and tried to ignore it. She said she had always felt I was a girl even though she'd never been told. I had always thought I was ceserean, but then the doctor who delivered me said I wasn't. She told me I WAS. ( How do we know these things?). She explained the scar to her future husbands that it was from a bowel obstruction surgery. So there you are wise comrades and counselors - an update to yet another adoption saga. Amazing the emotions I'm feeling. I am so grateful for your help as I stumbled along on this new path - you all held me up. And now I am going to put on a beret and hoist a pint in honor of my newfound heritage! I want to hug everybody! SLF