Straight Forward, Hope I don't offend anyone!

Hi, I sympathise. I am 8 months into reunion with bson who has alcohol problems and drugs too and it has stretched my mental and emotional strength/abilities to the limit. I am in professional counselling to help me adjust to my bson finding me. If you look on the responses to my threads, you will see that people with such problems are very manipulative. Whilst I feel deep love for my son upon reunion, he is killing any chance of us having a relationship with such manipulation. Whether he lies or not, I don't know, but when he very nearly died 3 weeks ago from drugs that very nearly finished him off, I suggested I contact his amum and he put the phone down on me. I have not heard from him since. I would suggest that you get some idea as to what you are letting yourself in, by posting on this website (which you are doing) and getting feedback, and making sure that you get as much knowledge about the subject as possible. It is very possible that with all the will in the world, if they are on self destruct, they may take you down with them. Saying that, I have a half sister who was an alcoholic and she has made a complete recovery and has been "clean" for quite some years. We have a very loving relationship. I know its not the same as adoption issues, but it shows it can be achieved. However, having been in this topsy turvy world of reunion, I would really urge you to tread one step at a time, with your heart prepared that you may not like your birthparents. Just because you are blood relatives, doesn't mean that you will like them. Heck, even with my own parents/family, it has been very hard work over the years and I've had to stay away to protect myself, as they have proved toxic. I have healthy relationships/friends and a good relationship with my sister and mum, so .... tread carefully. Contact AA or whatever is in your country, to ask for advice and assistance as to whether your bmum is likely to go over the edge if reunited with you. I can honestly say that reunion has proved very difficult and had more downs and ups in our case, but its not true for all. Keep exploring this website for similar situations, and guard your heart. thats the best I can wish for you. All is not lost when there is hope in your heart, tempered with what is reality rather than fantasy. Best advice I had from a professional counsellor - work out what is fantasy and what is reality. Also, try to be realistic as to what you can and can't cope with. All the best,

thank you soo much for that, it really helped. I noticed that everyone is telling me that I might not like my birthmom and you need to be careful to take your time and don't do anything you will regret. Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it.

Hi User!What an interesting thread and probably a very common situation in reunions. I am using a C.I. to locate my son. In the meantime I found out that his birthfather is a raging alchoholic ( I haven't seen him in 30 years) and now I'm afraid that either my son may be alchoholic (I understand it's very prevalent in the BF's family). OR it could be that maybe my son is better off not knowing his BF. Gawd, alchohol wreaks havoc on so many lives. I think you owe it to yourself to give your B-mother a chance, however when the time is right voice your fears to her, and see how she responds. That should help you decide which way you want to go as far as establishing a permanent relationship with her. Be careful sweetie, you know you're predisposed to alchoholism, but it sound to me like you REALLY have your head on straight.Merry Christmas!!!Kim

Where was the info about them being alcoholics? My adoption file had false info and our son's adoption file also had false info.

It was in my lifebook that came with me. I quess the adoption ancency(?) but it together to help me out. That is where i got all my other info. seem to be right except one thing. about how many brother and sisters my mom had, off one but that is it so far.

I also recommend you look at the info in your lifebook with suspicion. My son's information was altered for his APs. Why not find an intermediary to facilitate the reunion? This would allow you to get to know your birthmother without the commitment of direct contact until you feel safe.

Hi Just want to say go for it! I as a birthmom feel in my life seeing my son would reslove a lot of issues. Your Mom is probably beating herself up all these years . Personally I would love it if my son came and healed the wounds. I can't really say about the drinking But I would feel if you acted kindley towards her she would be Ok.

I have found this site through a search engine because I wanted to know if I should contact my birthdaughter now that she is 18. I have decided to leave it up to her. I saw your post though and felt compelled to write. I am a recovering alcoholic. When my birthdaughter was born I had a son and did not want her to have the life he had because of my drinking. I knew I was not a good parent and could not take care of her. I wanted her to have what I could not give. I believe through my pain and my way of life at the time God used me to give deserving parents a child. I also found sobriety a year later because of the pain. I could not drink away the heartache I felt anymore. I tried. As for your question, if you were to meet birthparents would it make them go back to drinking if they are sober. NO! You are not responsible for an alcoholics recovery or if they drink. There is nothing you could do to make them drink. It may help them to know they are not forgotten. A word of advice though. Do not expect a reunion as you would see in a movie. I met my birthdaughter when she was 8 and it was a little awkward. She mainly wanted to see what I looked like. Without sobriety it would have been a lot harder than it was. I had the "tools" to help me remember that the day was for her and her adoptive parents. I did not want to be overly emotional in front of her (that came later with my sister). If they are still drinking then you may want to keep it short the first time. Meet in a neutral place so that you can leave if you are uncomfortable. Good luck.

My bps were alcoholics too and apparently so is my older, engaged brother. I have had some difficulty with that, since my mom drank when she was preg with me and I ended up with FASD. Thank god my sister contacted me and let me know that and I've had some problems with my bbrother already, but he's doing well. Hope this helps.