What NOT to Say to a Birth Parent in Open Adoption

I recognize that many birth mothers who place are quite young, but I'm finding myself resenting aparents who refer to "our birthmother" and seem to reduce her to child status and who appear to want to "mother/parent" the birth mom. Somehow it seems quite inappropriate to me (and frankly irritates me!).

My DD's a-mom was like that, and I have to be honest when I WAS young and not having anyone there with me I liked it, it brought some comfort to me. But now that we are both adults, it is/was confusing to me. I feel like I wanted her to be that warm and motherly way to me now, because that's the only way I knew her and I'm not really getting that vibe. True, it shouldn't have been that way in the first place but it's like now that she is secure and is DD's mom, it's OK not to treat me that way, KWIM? I know it's not intentional, and maybe it's because I'm NOT a kid anymore, but that's still how it feels to me, that now it's a whole new ball game. I also think it lulled me into this security to place, which I think was dangerous in that I never felt that I had a right at any point to change my mind, even before the TPR was signed. I was a kid trying to please adults, I didn't want to let anyone down. I think that was unfair too.

oooh Kathy, the "our birthmom" thing really gets me too! No, I'm DD's bmom, not the communal birthmom.

Yeah. I get irritated, too. I am not J & D's birth mother. That would be absolutely 100% impossible. D is four years older than me and J is OLD. ;) (Inside joke.) I am the Munchkin's birth mother. That is all. Only her.

S0RRY, I'VE JUST POSTED THIS & REALISED ITS FOR OPEN ADOPTION, MINE WAS CLOSED. PLEASE DELETE IF YOU THINK ITS NOT APPROPRIATE. SORRY "Why are you crying" - social workers when I was handing my child into their arms to see him for the last time -he was six months, and I'd given it my best shot at keeping him, help? NIL How COULD you do that? give your child away? - solicitor "Your kid is better off dead rather than growing up knowing its mother didn't want it" - my sister in law Why do you feel you have to confess? - woman I'd tried to talk to about it 16 years later you can get on with your life now, you've done the right thing - my mother (now passed away) I'll send you an allowance to help you keep him - my father - his last words before he he emmigrated to Canada - didn't hear from him for years hence If I'd have known you were pregnant, I would have dragged you to the abortion clinic - my grandmother (!) fathers side You should have kept your legs closed - my father You need more help than we can give (a well respected post adoptive organisation) - try someone more local to where you live. I was 4 months into reunion with my son. I felt dumped. The rest, I've blanked out, I can't remember the rest. I'm still riddled with guilt, shame & inefficacy, even with the most wonderful support and delight from the friends I now have.

I've just realised this is for open adoption, but I can't seem to edit it to get into delete it. sorry Forum moderators.

Thanks for the insight. Question: would most of you prefer that people not comment at all when you mention that you placed your child up for adoption (as opposed to sticking their feet in their mouths by saying some of the stuff posted here)? And another question about the "we think it would be too hard for you to see her" comment. Do amom's actually say that to birthmoms after agreeing to an open adoption?? That would be absolutely crushing to me if someone agreed to let me see my birthchild and decided against it afterward.

Hmm. The saying comes to mind, "It's better to keep you mouth closed and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." (Recognise that I personally tend to rush in where "angels fear to tread." ) Personally, a How are you doing now? would be a positive response

As an amom, when we decided to adopt a second time, a couple of people (a friend and a family member) SERIOUSLY suggested I ask our son's bmom if she would have another child for us. WHAT???? I could NOT believe they were sincere in asking me that. I was horrified that they thought what she went through was so trivial that she would not mind going through it again for us. amom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption) [url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

I had no idea referring to our son's bmom as "our bmom" was offensive to bmoms. We've said that in the past, not in a place of wanting or trying to parent the bmom, but as a way of saying we have embraced her as a whole family. Thank you for the bmoms who shared that this is offensive to you. I will try to not say that in the future. mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)[url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

I actually wrote about this, prompted from a few different discussions on the topic, on the birth/first parent blog: [URL="http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/i-m-not-your-birth-mother"]here[/URL].

The "our" birthmom thing really gets me too. It actually makes me cringe every time I hear it or read it. It would be like bdad and I calling the adoptive parents "our" adoptive parents. Totally does not speak to the actuality of the relationship.

Thank you for sharing the link. I read your blog and found it very informative. I will be careful to refer to our son's bmom as such and not as "our bmom" in the future. Thank you.mom to 3 (one bio, one through domestic adoption, one through international adoption)[url]www.journeytofamily.com[/url]

I'm an amom and this really chaps my butt too. I have no issue with someone saying "I am not comfortable with that" for whatever reason. Even if it seems unfair or what have you - at least it's honest. But to hide your own issues behind the idea of it being for "the birthmother's own good" or whoevers.....it just really makes me angry. own your feelings dang it.

*snorts* You said... chaps my butt. Silly Canadians.