If you could offer one piece of advice...

Janny....i have been meaning to tell you... Betch your bottom dollar comes from the song Tomorrow, in the movie Annie. I know that movie inside out..guess I could always relate to that little red headed orphan who wanted to know her family!

THANK YOU! I am glad I stayed on here late tonight and came across this thread. I am meeting my birth daughter in a little over a week face to face. I had a couple sessions with a counselor who knew about adoptions but it is not the same as someone with the experience. I made a phone call to my birth daughter today because of tip toeing and not knowing what to do about a situation. It was only because of people on this board that I called (different thread). I did not even think she would ask if I wanted to meet! I have the added support of her (a) parents who are behind this reunion. My counselor suggested that I NOT read some of the books mentioned, so I do not have any in put but just wanted to say thank you again for this thread. I will probably be reading it every night for the next week!

I agree with your counsellor, some of the books mentioned on the forums are pretty traumatic and can send you into tailspin. The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide however, by Julie Bailey & Lynn Giddens is very gentle and is well worth a read. Ask your counsellor if she has come across it. It will also prepare you for any 'pullbacks' as they are called after your first F2F so that you don't get confused and hurt if it happens early on (I'm only speaking from my experience, I wished I'd come across this book earlier on, it was sooooo gentle and helpful on my emotions). Some on this forum we have decided to call pullbacks "emotional re-evaluation" or something similar! but its a big time so be prepared, but as your counsellor says and I can confirm, the Verrier books are traumatising and you need some reunion time under your belt before they are approached. I think I was about a year into reunion before I read them. Hugs and have a wonderful reunion!!!! I bet you are over the moon! well done!!!! Jannyroo :grouphug: :banana:

Shhhhh congrats on your reunion and sending lots of hugs that it is everything that you hoped for!

Know that you won't be prepared. There's no way to prepare yourself for the tragedy, or negative things that may arise...My advice would be to allow yourself to feel them. Grieve, work through them, and know, no one's really ever prepared. My bmom's a homeless drug addict, and my bdad died of an overdose. How can anyone possible prepare for that? I wasn't , but it's ok because I'm letting myself grieve.

Hope....I am so sorry that your reunion was a disappointment in what you found. I TOTALLY understand that!!! And yes, we must let ourselves grieve. I just have a hard time allowing myself to do that. I am hard on myself, and tell myself that I need to be grateful for what I do have in the reunion, blah blah blah...but really right now I am just soooooo upset about it!!!! And then I feel guilty for feeling that way....UGH what a twisted thing!

Brock... Always remember it's ok to grieve the loss of our hopes! When we have lots of time to imagine what we're going to find, our expectations are really raised. It's ok to feel bad, even while you recognize that you are lucky in many ways.

Brock, I feel that way also...Very often! But I'm trying to be nice to myself. It is hard, and pretending it's not doesn't serve anything. In fact it hinders us.

I am new to this chat group; no reunion yet, but here's my 2 cents. There is no control in an adoptees life over others' actions, but what keeps me going is that I do have control over my own actions. I don't presume that birth family will open their arms and happy ending credits roll. Worst case scenario, I never meet anyone or I meet people with whom I have nothing in common. Best case, I fill that intangible void of recognizing myself in the context of my roots. That said, I have in mind boundaries and goals, putting respect for them and me as first priority. I had a dress rehearsal with a woman who had a child on my birthday. I told her I wanted this to be a positive experience for both of us and suggested that if either of us felt uncomfortable, we could always connect again at a later time. As in my regular life, I keep real about what I want and need, express that verbally and ask a lot of questions to ensure we are on the same page. False start interaction set up a nice friendship even though, sadly, this lovely woman was not my birth mother. I think it's okay to be a little vulnerable, but know your limits and realize when you need to speak up and when to listen.

Some times, if you are lucky, you find someone like you, who talks about issues, along with the emotional ones too. I found it easier to ask, is this alright or would you rather this or that. Otherwise you go around wondering it you are doing things right or wrong.

Scarlet Such good advice!!! If in doubt ask. Then no-one can presume. It's usually our fears that take us to that fearsome place of misunderstanding. When you talk / communicate everyone knows exactly what is going on. It's also an honest place to be. You know exactly what your reality is. Ann

I wonder if all of us fall prey to the disease my mother had: "If you loved me, you'd read my mind. If I have to tell you it doesn't count." Sometimes we work so hard to figure out what the other is thinking when the simplest thing is to ask! Also, we need to remember not to assume our child/parent knows what we are thinking without our saying.

Hallmark is missing two great marketing opportunities: Adoption Cards, year round and second husbands' cards, for the "keepers." In the first case, most of us struggle for exactly the right words to express a myriad of emotions spurred by adoption, then reunion. For example, the Japanese have dozens of different words/symbols for different types of "love" while we plaster it freely in writing and verbally for almost anyone. The latter, second husband, also misses the sentiment, alluding to perhaps a third or fourth? I am finding tremendous value in this chat group by hearing from BM's, AD's and SI's (siblings) in real time. And I disagree, SStuart with your first sentence. You have a lot of perspective to give adoptees before, during and after your reunion. Otherwise, you wouldn't explore this fascinating, albeit unchartered territory of reunion chat. What remains a big question mark for me is, what can one expect as a really great first connection after 51 years? (for me). And what constitutes a "special part of each others' lives?" That alone sounds good to me! Hallmark, are you listening?

Search 56, I reunited this summer after 51 years (couldn't resist posting since we are the same age). The first thing I received from bmom was a belated birthday card where she wrote that she had waited 50 years and 2 months to send this and she wasn't waiting 1 minute longer. It made me cry. Hallmark actually had a birthday card - letter to my daughter that spoke about "there is a place in my heart that is shaped like you. " I kept the answering machine message - the first time she called me that said she "called to say hi just because I can - isn't that amazing". I have also reunited with my bdad and that has been amazing to. I have been totally blessed by these reunions and look forward to building relationships with both of my bparents. One nice thing about being 51 when you are reunited is that your bparents are probably around 70 - it seems to make it easier and, at least in my case, there are less people who are directly affected. Both aparents are gone so loyalty isn't a problem and all the parents of my bparents are gone so that isn't an issue either. This is something added ... not something needed. You obviously don't "need" parents. When I registered and did a little searching over the years, I truly believed that I just wanted to tell her thank you for my life - that I had had great parents and that she did the right thing - and get medical information. I didn't need a relationship. But, this reunion has been so amazing on all sides - truly freeing for both my bparents and empowering for me. I just spent my first Christmas with my bmom - which just defied my imagination. I think 51 is a great time to reunite. Good luck on your search.

I'm glad you bumped this post up or I may never have found it! I am 18 years in reunion and it is STILL hard sometimes. I've just accepted that it always will be. However, it is also wonderful too. When others (or sometimes even myself) wonder why I bother, I say "It's simple. My life is better with my bmom in it." It's true - I would be very sad without her in my life. Even if she does act in ways sometimes that leave me wondering. I know she loves me in the best way she can. She is an adoptee also so she has a lot to cope with. The theme for me is still "patience" and it has been 18 years. But it is worth it! Off subject question - what are the icons on the center of your message at the top in the gray bar? Do others give theose to you and if so how? - Thanks!