Advice Request

My soon to be adopted sons look ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ME nor will they ever!!!! But they look exactly like eachother! I am a very dark skinned AA woman and my sons are very light skinned biracial little boys... I have very thick black coarse hair and my oldest has thin curly light brown hair and my youngest has straight light brown hair... My boys have big ears...I have small ears My oldest has big lips...I have very thin lips I have long skinny fingers and toes and they have short fat fingers and toes... I look absolutely nothing like my light skinned mother or my dark skinned father.....but I look very much like my sisters...so much so that people have consistently thought were we twins when we were little...and triplets when we got older... I personally don't care that I look nothing like my parents, but I can't say how my kids will feel about it...My guess is they probably won't care too much....they have lived with so many different races of people in their previous foster and relative homes (East Indian, AA, CC, BR, Hispanic) that they are used to people looking different even at their young age. I think your child/children won't care too much as long as they know they are loved and their differences are pointed out or made obvious in a demeaning way on a regular basis....which I am sure won't happen.... I was obsessed about little things too..I went shopping (thrift store and yard sales mostly) to keep my mind occupied Ironically, my 7 m/o foster son who will be reunified soon, looks just like me.....

Though you may not look alike; not to worry. You WILL find that your children will more than likely adapt and use a LOT of your mannerisms. We found this goes for infants AND older kids, believe me! In another example, I'll tell you that our first daughter is Asian and both dh and I are CC. This daughter came to us at almost 8months of age, and now at 26yrs, she sounds exactly like me, my biological sister and my mom. It's true. She can answer the phone and discuss something and fool all the relatives if she wanted to! :) I don't think your child will mind at all. I have relatives who have several biological kids and some of them look nothing like their parents; and you'll find this in so many families, I know it's not unusual. The main thing is, will THIS bother you? If it's a huge thing, you might want to discuss and consider your adoption choice more..... Sincerely, Linny

I'm the opposite of Makarios. I'm a fair-skinned redhead, short. My birth children, particularly my daughters, look a lot like me but have their dad's coloring. My adopted daughters are both biracial. One is AA/Italian, medium brown, very thick, very curly hair, very tall, striking, beautiful. The other is also biracial, fair and adorable and looks more like my AA husband and I. Her birthparents have the same coloring as we do and she has my husband's dimple in the chin. One of my adopted sons is dark, beautiful, brown, the other is biracial, more Hispanic looking. So although no one in our family looks alike, we all love each other more than you can even begin to imagine that you will love your child, NO MATTER WHO THEY LOOK LIKE. When I first held our first adopted child, he was brown and so handsome I thought my heart would explode. Him not looking like me just made him all the more beautiful. I think we're a very interesting family and know that people must look at us and wonder. Ain't life grand!!! I'd sure hate to be just another boring-looking family.

I'm not worried about my child looking like me. I'm more concerned about their feelings. I guess I'm just worrying to be worrying but I have a younger brother who is fairer than I and our two other siblings and all his life it's worried him that he was lighter than we. I'm just worried about my child having the same feelings that's all. Oh brother, I sound like my mother and the placement hasn't even been made.

I think part of the "what if they don't look like me" question is a natural healthy part of the process of coming to terms with infertility. Adoptive paretns have to learn to let go of our "fantasy child" in order to make room in our hearts for our children through adoption. For me, it was a process that took some time and I had to allow myslef to fully grieve my infertility. BUt now I have the most wonderful little guy in the world and I wouldn't trade him for a kid who looked like me! Good for you for bringing up the topic. I think it's good to recognize as you prepare yourself for adoption.