I think I need counseling

I reunited with my birthson 3 years ago. I had to work thru the anger that I did not know that I had. So I can relate. It is hard but get easier everytime I see his smiling face. Keep trying.

As the others have said it is amazing the emotions that surface (new and old ones that were repressed) years later. I am having a very difficult time at the moment as I am just starting my reunion and my husband (bdad) and 2 other kids are now saying they want nothing to do with my bson! It's a big slap in the face to me as I have given them everything over the last 22 years and have asked for some "me" time to get to know him but apparently "I forfeited me time when I became a wife/mom and should be there whenever they want!". :hissy: I did try counselling but it wasn't a success (the first time) as the counselor did not have any experience with adoption. I've sought out another counsellor as I need a neutral sounding board and it's very important to have someone who can relate to the issues that are unique to our situation. I want this reunion to work and develop into a long term relationship and I know I need an impartial third party to help me figue out what I want and what is best for everyone involved. They may not be the same thing. I can tell you that posting on these forums the last 6 months or so has been tremendous in helping me. By the way, I fluctuate between being very angry and turning into a puddle when watching some of the programs so I think the feelings you are experiencing are quite normal. Stay in touch!

I have had lots of the emotions you describe. Forgive me if I refer you to some of my threads under Jannyroo, but its 1.30am and I'm about to "fall" into bed, sorry! but I felt I just had to respond to your post! I have had counselling, the first counsellor after reunion, in my opinion, although she came from a post adoption organisation, was not right for me. I approached social services and they found another adoption experienced counsellor. It was not until we had had several sessions before she revealed she was a bmom too! She has been great and its helped enormously. So the message of my story is, if it doesn't work to start with, try again! The eggshells you are on, are typical of reunion to be honest. If you want the stages of reunion, then PM me and I'll send them to you, very helpful in assessing where you are at and how you are feeling.... terrified of saying/doing the wrong thing. A space in communication and it happens again. Its an obsession type thing that drives all of us bmothers mad, but if your daughter has asked you to see her, believe her, don't assume that if she hasn't responded that she doesn't want to. Things get in the way, and to be honest, every day seems like an age in the early stages of reunion. Also remember, that most adoptees are not as adept at coping with reunion at age 18 as they are later - its generally accepted (I think) that towards the age of 30 they are more ready, but there are still plenty of moms in reunion with young adoptees on this website that can give you their experiences or you can search about under bmoms? By the way, nothing is normal about adoption. None of the feelings are something that anyone outside of adoption can really understand, thats what is great about this forum, we really do understand! and I"ve had great support in the past year, and so will you. It will sustain you until you get counselling and it will sustain you during it too. Buried pain and anger (even suppressed anger) over the years are now being released and it will come in torrent fashion. Tsunami actually. Its like trying to row in a rowing boat and the wave just crashes down on you and sucks your breath away with the intensity of it all. It makes us bmoms obsessive!! That's why its good to "vent" on this website. We all do it and it does us all good believe me!!! Don't apologise for venting, EVER! as we all need to. In a year, I've done about 200 posts and have vented even more by doing a journal. Its good for the soul and it doesn't matter if you feel reasonable or not, just vent and we will respond to you. So many have gotten help here, so will you. I'd like to talk to you another time, but sleep is heavily weighing down my eyelids.... take care and keep "venting" you will feel so much better for it and this website in my opinion is the best around. G'night for now and peruse as many posts as you can - you will find some real gems of wisdom. (((Hugs))))) Jannyroo

Ok, now I am crying over the replies and the messages I have received. Thank you all so much. I do not feel alone in my emotions as I did last night. I am sorry that other birth mothers have these emotions but it is comforting to know that I am not alone. If that makes sense. I was apprehensive about posting because I did not want other birth mothers to think that life was going to be an emotional roller coaster forever. My husband and I talked tonight about a counselor and although we have insurance that would pay for it, I have decided to pay out of pocket so I can go to to css since they know about adoption. My social worker is still there although I do not know if I should request to see her or someone else. My guess is since I am on a waiting list it will be up to them. Thank you again for your replies, I am so glad I decided to post. You do not (or maybe you do) know how good it feels to know my feelings are normal and I am not totally insane!:prop: :arrow:

Tears can definitely be healing! Welcome to the sisterhood of birthmoms!

just wanted to say im in the same boat as you hon...my daughter will turn 18 next summer and my emotions are all over the place....its a closed adoption so i think i will be making the first contact ...but who knows...the adoptive parents do have my contact information though so we shall see...i doubt they will give it to her this site has been so encouraging at those times when no one else is able to talk.... hugsssss and im here if you ever need to talk

Yeh, absolutely, am with you Kakuehl on that one!!!!

I have to share with you guys. When I met my bson for the first time I didn't shed a tear! After all the times I have cried myself to sleep at night - nothing! I wear my emotions on my sleeve and the past year of ups and downs have been awash with tears. My grandmother used to say that tears were God's way of cleansing your soul. I was never sure what that meant but I know that I usually feel much better after a good cry. Stick with us, I have grown and found much love and support in the forums and I don't think I would be doing as well as I am in my reunion without the advice and kindness of others. As my sister-in-law said - it's always good to know that you aren't alone!

ssshhh - you are definitely not alone. Sometimes I think that I was fortunate enough to repress a lot of the feelings and emotions for the past 18 years. Although, since he turned 18, it has been on. It is crazy how much I think about him. We e-mail back and forth occassionally so at least there is some contact, but nothing notable. The worst emotion for me has been anger. My parents forced the adoption by relatives of my dad. I get so mad at them sometime. I really got the anger going one day when my mom told me she would have supported me whole-heartedly if the bdad and I would have gotten married. It was like - ok you would still not have really been supporting me - you would have been supporting the bdad and yourself not being embarassed. It was a huge revelation for me. The worst thing about all the thought and emotion is all the time that is wasted. I still think adoption should be a LAST resort. The change in family is just so overwhelming. I would like to do something big - like talk to Congress, or teenagers or something. I would like to be the "face" that no one talks about. WOW that got long.

Keds,I also didn't cry at our first f2f. I was too high! (NOT ON DRUGS!) I certainly cried over the years and I still find myself occasionally overwhelmed by grief at what I've missed in his life. At the same time, D & I have a unique relationship and relate to one another as adults in ways that are impossible for me with the children I raised. (We both always have that ingrained response to me as the mother & them as the child that can make an adult relationship a little tricky!) I cherish my current relationship with D. Josh'sMom - remember that anger is often part of grieving. Also it is energy that can be used constructively (like testifying before congress!)

Hi Kathy - good to hear from you. I have to tell you I did cry the second time we met as he brought me an album of "his life so far" in photos and the letter I wrote to him when I placed him for adoption. That was a very tough read as I poured my heart into it and yet, you can tell I was so young (17) but I have a feeling that was what made him look for me after all these years. One of the questions I will ask him next weekend when I see him again. Baby steps for now. Shhh - I am finding that my episodes of anger are lessening and not so much directed at "adoption", or my parents, but more at myself for not being stronger. I'll have to work that out on my own. I do think meeting my bson and having such a quick connection and similar personalities and knowing that he doesn't hate me has lessened some of the insecurities and anger to a great extent. They say time heals all wounds but I'm not sure I believe it. I think that it does allow us to get to a point where it doesn't hurt as much. Josh's mom - I agree, I was not informed of the after affects of adoption and I doubt I would recommend it, based on my experience, but you can't make an informed decision unless you know all the facts. I think you should do something "big"! :loveyou:

Thanks everyone for your help. I went to see a counselor this past Monday. I felt less anger when I left knowing that other birthmoms have sought counseling at this stage through css. I also was not aware of how new open adoptions were during the time I placed my birth daughter and that they were learning too. Thank God I was able to discuss my feelings and get some insight on how my birthdaughter and her family may be feeling, because on Thursday I received a phone call. I talked to my birthdaughter and her mom for the first time in ten years on the phone!!!! :banana: I was able to keep it light and uplifting. I would not change one thing about the call! I know it will be a process but my birthdaughter wants to keep it open. Thanks for all your help.

sssh, thanks for the update! I'm glad the news is good! It's a process, it's a journey, it's a rollercoaster. Welcome to the ride and buckle your seatbelt! BTW, For many years I would watch shows on adoption (like unsolved mysteries) and cry. Somehow I'm less sad now!

ssshhh - awesome news. I am so happy for you!!!! That has to be great. It is so wonderful to have a conversation that is so positive!!! I hate second-guessing every word that comes from a conversation, but sometimes, it still happens. Rock on and keep us posted!!!!:rockband:

That's so great that you finally got to hear her voice! Awesome!!! Glad you're on the mend and had a chance to process things before the call. Hang in there! :flowergift: Peace, Susan :hippie: