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Hello, I have a younger brother who we adopted at 6 weeks of age, and he is now a 25 y/o adult. On the day we went to pick him up from the adoption agency, we were read a heartbreaking letter written by his birth mother to the son she was giving up for adoption. Obviously, this was a very difficult decision for this woman to make, and we felt a great deal of both sympathy and greatfulness to her. As a result, my mother would write her letters of his progress as he was growing up, and included pictures of him for her.
Everything was going pretty well up until my mother sent his birthmother a graduation picture - he was now eighteen years old, and standing in front of an old car that he had refurbished. The license plate could be seen in the picture, but we thought nothing of it, and apparently, the adoption agency that we were working with didn't catch it, either (despite their due diligence up until this point).
The inevidable happened... This woman was able - through a friend at a sherriff's office - to track down the license plate number, and proceeded to stalk him for awhile. The birth mother decided this was a bad idea, and finally came forward (through a local pastor), and told us about what she had done.
We were of course alarmed at first, and my brother was very weirded out by it at the time. It took some working out, but we were able to discuss the situation calmly and rationally... My parents and the birthmother's family all decided (over dinner and a huge photo album full of pictures of him), that she (the birthmother), would not try to contact my brother again until he was ready to make the first move. My brother did not attend this meeting.
A few months ago, despite her assurance that she would not try to connect with him until he made the first move - his birthmother tried to contact him again (via her husband, who happened to find him through a business opportunity, and "watched" him for a few months before revealing himself). She sent him a letter. When my brother did not respond to that letter, she pushed again, sending him an email directly to his business email address. That finally started things going, and they haven't stopped since.
This time around, my little brother is more accepting of the situation, and (I think) he is even glad to have finally met her. She has been able to give him answers that he needed to hear, and he is enjoying getting to know the rest of the family.
However... our Mother is now beside herself with frustration and stress. Despite how hard she has tried to be accepting of this situation, she feels like this woman has just come in, and is trying to take her son away from her - despite his assurances, despite how rooted in her faith that she is, and despite all other reason and logic. She feels betrayed, and she feels like this woman has no respect for her place in his life.
In order to deal with her own emotinal issues, my Mother has asked them to warn her when his birthmother is in town visiting him, so that when/if she runs into them together, she doesn't feel so 'caught off guard'. They have ignored the request a couple of times, and wouldn't you know... She runs into them.
It is almost like she is emotionally devastated by this - it reminds me of someone who has broken up with a lover, and now she keep running into him and his girlfriend. I realize this is an inappropriate example, but the intensity of her reactions and emotional breakdowns and tears is just heartbreaking. I've tried to help her as much as I can, but honestly, I'm not so sure anyone can.
My brother being able to reconnect with his birthmother was something we had always hoped for, and had prepared him for as much as we could, and we feel like we have been stabbed in the back. My parents now deeply regret having made the efforts they did toward his birthmother as he was growing up. As for my part, I am extremely angry - not that she is back in his life, but the way she went about doing it. And her attitude since she has come back into his life, leaves much to be desired. She has said to my mom, "I gave birth to him, he will always be my son!" She seems pretty smug and content within the situation she has created for herself.
My "legal" question is this... Is there anything we/I can do to take action against the people who "let" this little blunder through the system? Ie, the adoption agency who failed to notice the license plate on the car, and allowed it to go through? Or is there something we can do about them illegally tracking down his license plate number, even though he is no longer a minor?
This situation has caused such turmoil - not just for my mother, but for my brother as well, who has to deal with her for the most part. I would love some sort of retribution - maybe a tidy sum of money to send my mother and father on a long, breathtaking cruise or something - anything to get her mind off of this.
All advise & comments are welcome, but PLEASE don't go on and on about how he is no longer a minor - that doesn't help my mother at all. We KNOW he is an adult now, and she has given him all the space & time that he seems to need. He is fine - my mother isn't.
Thanks for your help ahead of time. :)
LaRae
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Larae, welcome. I know your Mother "feels" hurt and betrayed, but in my opinion (adoptee-adoptive mom) she does not like the fact that she can no longer control the relationship. Before she damages her relationship with your brother, I suggest family counseling.Your Mom has to move past the fear and realize this is not about her.If she wants to be included, then she can get counseling and participate at the level your brother is comfy at. Really, there is absolutely no reason to go after any one legally. And the pictures and updates were a bare minimum for a mother who has lost a child,IMO.This is reunion.It takes time to get used to it also.
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Here is a slightly different point of view. Think of it on her side. She was so desperate to see her "Son" that she went through great lengths to get to him. It is like curosity killed the cat. Eventually I would think that your brother would see her for who she is DECEITFUL no relationship that starts with deceit
can end up good donnn't you think? Eventually she will do something way out there that could be seen from a legal perspective as harrassment at that point in time I am sure that your mom could take action like a CPO so that she would not be in close proximity to the bmom. You mom can not keep thinking about the past and the what if's.... she made the best possible decision that she could have at that time, yes she was open with the bmom and yes the bmom went way way overboard but tell your mom that it is not her fault.... apparently the bmom would have gone to great lengths to get to your brother no matter what.
your brother may start to feel smothered at some point... almost all the reunited adoptees feel that at one time or another.. he may then decide to terminate the realtionship.
I think that your mom has every right to be uspet and also has every right to tell her story to a counsellor who would be better equiped to handle this type of situation.
Like I stated earlier a realtionship that starts with deceitfullness is bascially doomed from the start so hopefully that will make you feel a little better.....
Thank you all for your replies. Yes, I do realize that my brother's birth mother wanted to get in touch so badly, that she pretty much bulldozed her way into our lives (unfortunately, not "just his life") with the grace of a bull in a china shop.
This isn't about getting a cruise for my mom... I would imagine that it's not much different than a victim's family of a murder wanting to make the criminal "pay" for what they have done - usually in the form of monetary compensation. Does it help? I wouldn't know, probably not much, but it's "something". There is no way for us to put this genie back in the bottle, and we had absolutely no choice. I would personally like to "make her pay" for the turmoil she has put my family through - especially since we were so accomodating to her to begin with.
My brother was not at the originally meeting that took place, because he didn't want to go - not because we didn't want him in on the decision. He had no desire to meet these people at the time, frankly, their "looking him up and stalking him" scared him.
The "crime" comes in when they illegally searched for my brother via a license number that SHOULD have been censord by the adoption agency - every other letter or picture we took in was carefully gone over so that there were no "giving details". Apparently, this didn't happen the last time. If this one detail had been tended to, none of this would have happened, and my family would not be in turmoil right now. The adoption agency had a job to do, and they didn't do it! Yeah, we're angry about that! We should probably had caught the license ourselves, but it was not our job to keep an eye out for these kinds of things. We were just doing what we always had - giving his heartbroken birthmother a gift.
As for my Mom, I agree that some sort of counceling would probably help, but at the moment she is just crying. I am hoping to get her into something, but I can't begin to imagine when. She can't even talk about it, and when you mention "couseling" she just cries harder.
I resent what my brother's birthmother has done, and I really really do not like this feeling. I am a person of faith, and so are my parents. We're supposed to forgive and forget. At the moment, that is too hard to do. She affected our lives in ways that I'm sure she didn't imagine, and unfortunately, could care less about, now. It seems like her and her family are the only ones to benefit from her stunts. Things could have unfolded so much smoother, and for the benefit of everyone. We would have liked to have "gotten to know her" and been friends with her. Now, if either of those things ever happens, it will truly be a miracle.
Thanks for listening.
LaRae
I'm very, very confused. First of all, it's not the agencies fault that you had your liscense plate in a picture that was sent to his Bmom. Also, he was already 18 then? I would think if anyone could sue, he could, but not his Bmom. It's not HER fault someone left the liscense plate in the picture. Maybe I'm wrong, but is it even illegal to look up liscense plates? I don't think it is.I think your whole family does need help dealing with the fact that your brother is in reunion with his birthfamily. This does not mean he doesn't love you guys at all. This has nothing to do with any of you and everything to do with his right to know where he comes from. He gets to choose who he wants a relationship with.I pray you are all able to get some help with your emotions soon!
Dear LaRae, While you may regret the way the reunion happened, it has happened. (BTW, from what you say, I suspect the bmom spent 25 years crying.) Recognise that she will never be his mother in the way your mother is. No matter how close they get, she wasn't in his life growing up. I think that if your mom can take a deep breathe and relax a little it may be easier for her. The less pressure you all put on your brother the easier it will be for him to include all of you in his life. If your Mom is not willing to try counseling, would she be willing to post on the forums. There are many afamilies who have been through similar situations. They may have some words of wisdom (or at least words of understanding) for you.
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Well I can't imagine what is so confusing for you... If the adoption agency had done their job (as I stated earlier), we would not be in this mess. It was THEIR JOB to make sure nothing revealing got through!No, my brother was not quite 18 at the time, and he still had a few months before graduation - if that makes any difference at all.I think you are simply missing my point... You seem to have an inordinant amount of sympathy for his birthmother, and absolutely none for his adoptive mother - like she has no right to feel the way she does. According to you, it seems like the birthmother is the only person who has a right in anything.This woman had a previous 4-year old child, carried this second one for 9 months, stayed with him in the hospital for 3 days while she held him and nurtured him, and STILL gave him away! While things were obviously difficult for her, and we were sympathetic to her at one time, too - that's why we're in this mess!While I am (believe it or not), glad that my brother seems to be adjusting well enough... What I am NOT happy about is the effect this woman's selfish, bumbling return into our lives has caused (mostly) my Mother.As I said earlier, we had a much smoother plan for all this... We made sure the birthmother had our phone number and address and everything she needed to get in touch with us. (If I remember correctly, my Mother even began sending her Christmas cards after their meeting.) She had agreed to wait until my brother made the first move. If she was getting to the point of desperation in meeting him, she should have done the right thing and at least have called to check in about him, and how he might receive her. What if he had not been ready?I have not taken the time to find out exactly how these 'reunions' work, but surely there are processes and procedures that exist to minimize this sort of thing.If every birthmother has a right to just come barging into people's lives like this, I can only imagine that there are a whole lot more hurt feelings out there than there should be!
((Larae)) I can see that you're really hurting. Unfortunately there are no rules or procedures that govern how a reunion happens. Adoptees search for their birth parents and birth parents search for their children all the time. Sometimes those reunions go swimmingly, but often issues arrise. All parties have complex feelings that have developed over the course of a lifetime. Sometimes reunions end up with hurt feelings (as you've observed). As Kathy said, the reunion has happened. Your brother and his birthmother are working out their relationship. Your mother certainly has the right to feel what she feels. I hope she can work through her feelings with your support. I'm sure this has really rocked her world.
I am a 33 yr old adoptee. I met my bmom and bdad several years ago. Yes, I pretty much "barged" in on their lives....I don't think there is a cushy way to contact a birth parent or adoptee considering the emotions.I found their names, then...Pretty much everything is a matter of public record. There are no laws telling people on how to track down adoptees, birth parents, sibilings, or anyone for that matter. What bother me the most from your recent post was something similar to what my ex (keyword: EX) husband said to me regarding my adoption. That my birth mother "STILL gave me away after...this or that....And she kept your older brother..." My birth mother didn't "GIVE" me away. Birth mothers/fathers don't give away their children. It is a heart wrenching decision that will effect their lives and that childs life forever. Birth parents do what is in the best interest of their child at the time of birth. Which is a beautiful and selfless act of love. I advise you to research about adoptions, reunions, and do some soul searching yourself. Maybe even counseling for your whole family....
larae
This woman had a previous 4-year old child, carried this second one for 9 months, stayed with him in the hospital for 3 days while she held him and nurtured him, and STILL gave him away! While things were obviously difficult for her, and we were sympathetic to her at one time, too - that's why we're in this mess!
larae
While I am (believe it or not), glad that my brother seems to be adjusting well enough... What I am NOT happy about is the effect this woman's selfish, bumbling return into our lives has caused (mostly) my Mother.
larae
As I said earlier, we had a much smoother plan for all this... We made sure the birthmother had our phone number and address and everything she needed to get in touch with us. (If I remember correctly, my Mother even began sending her Christmas cards after their meeting.) She had agreed to wait until my brother made the first move. If she was getting to the point of desperation in meeting him, she should have done the right thing and at least have called to check in about him, and how he might receive her. What if he had not been ready?
larae
I have not taken the time to find out exactly how these 'reunions' work, but surely there are processes and procedures that exist to minimize this sort of thing.
larae
If every birthmother has a right to just come barging into people's lives like this, I can only imagine that there are a whole lot more hurt feelings out there than there should be!
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[quote=larae] As I said earlier, we had a much smoother plan for all this... We made sure the birthmother had our phone number and address and everything she needed to get in touch with us. (If I remember correctly, my Mother even began sending her Christmas cards after their meeting.) She had agreed to wait until my brother made the first move. If she was getting to the point of desperation in meeting him, she should have done the right thing and at least have called to check in about him, and how he might receive her. What if he had not been ready? /quote] You are absolutely right here, and I agree, there seemed to be no reason on your end why she would decide to "go behind your mother's back" and contact your brother. I do understand your anger, especially seeing how your mother has reacted towards this. Right now I am in a situation where I do not correspond with my birthchild, because her mother does not feel she is ready (both my DD and her mom are not ready IMO) She will not even tell her we correspond. I respecfully disagree with that decision, (I feel she should at least be told and be able to have a say in whether there is any correspondence between anyone) but she is a teenager and it's a-moms right to make those decisions. And I have to trust her judgement. From time to time I have gotten advice to try to contact DD directly so I can "hear it from the horses mouth" so to speak. And aside from the fact that she is a minor and did not repsond well to her b-father's direct contact, I would never do it for the fear of your scenario happening. I have forged a relationship with a-mom, and had one even prior to DD's birth, and I don't think that it is wise to jeopardize that relationship for anyones sake. ESPECIALLY DD's. However, there may come a day where DD is of age and I feel that a-mom is not ready for a relationship and is stalling the inevitable still but I may need to hear it from DD. But in that case, I would at least give a courtesy heads up to a-mom as to what I was planning, as you are right, it is the respectful thing to do IMO as we have a similar understanding. I DO sympathize with the birthmother because I understand how she feels. But I think she could have gone about it in a much better way to avoid the pain your mom feels, which I do believe she is entitled to feel because of the way things happened. Bottom line, this woman was going to find a way to contact your brother whether the plate was covered or not .Your mom was errant in not covering the plate and so was the agency, so the one thing you are saying the agency was remiss in doing is the same thing your mother was remiss in. How was the agency SUPPOSED to know that they wer supposed to block the plate? Maybe they assumed if they recieved the pic that way that your mom was comfortable with it being sent that way? It was an oversight. It happens. I understand you want someone to take responsibility, but IMO it was a shared responsibility and it was merely postponing the inevitable. The thing is, you can't change what she did. Holding someone "responsible" and wanting someone to "pay" for their actions only fosters more problems. It only perpetuates a hostle enviroment in which your brother will feel in the middle of (if he doesn't already feel that way) At the end of the day, it's NOT about you or your mom OR his b mom, it really is about your brother. Does he know how you feel? Do you think he would support the issue being pushed? Again, I wish your family a lot of luck, and I hope your mother is able to resolve her pain.
larae
Well I can't imagine what is so confusing for you... If the adoption agency had done their job (as I stated earlier), we would not be in this mess. It was THEIR JOB to make sure nothing revealing got through!No, my brother was not quite 18 at the time, and he still had a few months before graduation - if that makes any difference at all.I think you are simply missing my point... You seem to have an inordinant amount of sympathy for his birthmother, and absolutely none for his adoptive mother - like she has no right to feel the way she does. According to you, it seems like the birthmother is the only person who has a right in anything.This woman had a previous 4-year old child, carried this second one for 9 months, stayed with him in the hospital for 3 days while she held him and nurtured him, and STILL gave him away! While things were obviously difficult for her, and we were sympathetic to her at one time, too - that's why we're in this mess!While I am (believe it or not), glad that my brother seems to be adjusting well enough... What I am NOT happy about is the effect this woman's selfish, bumbling return into our lives has caused (mostly) my Mother.As I said earlier, we had a much smoother plan for all this... We made sure the birthmother had our phone number and address and everything she needed to get in touch with us. (If I remember correctly, my Mother even began sending her Christmas cards after their meeting.) She had agreed to wait until my brother made the first move. If she was getting to the point of desperation in meeting him, she should have done the right thing and at least have called to check in about him, and how he might receive her. What if he had not been ready?I have not taken the time to find out exactly how these 'reunions' work, but surely there are processes and procedures that exist to minimize this sort of thing.If every birthmother has a right to just come barging into people's lives like this, I can only imagine that there are a whole lot more hurt feelings out there than there should be!
I notice it seems to be the birth mom you are the most angry at, and whom you want to pay. First off she did pay, she did not get to raise her son, your mom did. She also had to deal with his anger when they first re-connected. If he had wanted her out of his life at that point, he would have said so to her. He was an adult. It makes me wonder if he really wanted to meet her before, but was afraid to say so for fear of how you guys would react. I don't see how suing the adoption agency, even if you won, which I don't think you would, (I think you would waste money and time and alienate your brother) how would that make the birth mother who is who you are really angry at - pay? Do you really think she would not have found him as soon as her turned 18 some other way? What if your brother had brought home a girl friend you all did not like and she barged into your lives and took him away from you and made you miserable? Who would you want to sue then? If anyone has a right to sue it's your brother, not you, and it sounds like he is fine. So in reality you are mad at him, you just don't want to admit it. He has made her a part of his life and you and your mother don't like it, but you don't want to admit that you are jealous about it, so you focus the anger on her, not on him. He is an adult, and part of loving him is accepting his decisions, even when you don't agree with them, even if you don't like the fact that he was forced to make them. Have you asked him how all this is making him feel? Has he talked about how it makes him feel that his mother who raised him can't stop crying because of a decision he (an adult) made? Hmm, it might make me feel like my mom only loves me if I do what she wants. It would make me wonder how hard she would cry if I took a job she didn't like or if I married someone she didn't like. I am an adoptive mother and my daughter will probably want to meet her birth parents one day. I have gotten thier information for her in case she wants to. Yes if they stalk her before she is ready, I will be angry, however, if she then accepts the situation and wants a relationship with them and chooses one, then I will accept that too. I love her too much to make her feel responsible for hurting me, I love her too much to push her away, not matter what she does.
larae
Hello, I have a younger brother who .... is now a 25 y/o adult. On the day we went to pick him up from the adoption agency, we were read a heartbreaking letter written by his birth mother to the son she was giving up for adoption. Obviously, this was a very difficult decision for this woman to make, and we felt a great deal of both sympathy and greatfulness to her. As a result, my mother would write her letters of his progress as he was growing up, and included pictures of him for her. Everything was going pretty well up until my mother sent his birthmother a graduation picture - he was now eighteen years old, and standing in front of an old car that he had refurbished. The license plate could be seen in the picture, but we thought nothing of it, and apparently, the adoption agency that we were working with didn't catch it, either (despite their due diligence up until this point)...... "watched" him for a few months before revealing himself). She sent him a letter. When my brother did not respond to that letter, she pushed again, sending him an email directly to his business email address. That finally started things going, and they haven't stopped since. This time around, my little brother is more accepting of the situation, and (I think) he is even glad to have finally met her. She has been able to give him answers that he needed to hear, and he is enjoying getting to know the rest of the family. However... our Mother is now beside herself with frustration and stress. Despite how hard she has tried to be accepting of this situation, she feels like this woman has just come in, and is trying to take her son away from her - despite his assurances, despite how rooted in her faith that she is, and despite all other reason and logic. She feels betrayed, .....I am extremely angry - not that she is back in his life, but the way she went about doing it. And her attitude since she has come back into his life, leaves much to be desired. .....My "legal" question is this... Is there anything we/I can do to take action against the people who "let" this little blunder through the system? LaRae
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Again, thank you all for your replies, but this will be my last one - obviously, this is a "Bmoms R Us" forum, and I am a duck in a swan pond. I'm pretty much getting that there is no legal action I can take, and that is what I wanted to know.Apparently, it doesn't matter if adoption agencies are negligent in their duties; and as soon as an adoptive child comes of age, the person who signed away their rights to the child can suddenly come in and cause all the havoc they want to - unfettered, unobstructed, and "no matter what".I guess signing away a child in such "loving" and "selfless" ways renders a reward after 18 years of being in such painful and misery without that child. I would have thought it would have been a permanent, forever thing.When we went to pick up my baby brother, no one warned us that this kind of thing might eventually happen. And even if they had, we felt we had all the bases covered - we WANTED a reunion to take place. We were nothing but kind & accomodating to this woman.You can all stop feeling sorry for her now.Signing Off.LaRae