Birthparents setting boundaries in open adoption?

the only boundaries/structure etc that I can see are - asking birthparents opinion on how much contact they feel comfortable with and in what ways. - Feeling free to ask for breaks when/if they need them. - Feeling free to share things when THEY feel ready to share them and when they feel the child is old enough to understand. - Feeling free to say no to a visit or cancel it if they feel they can't make it...without feeling like they will be punished. -Knowing they can trust you to always keep the relationship open.....or knowing that if there were problems in the relationship that they would be talked about and worked through rather than just dropped without notice. Am I forgetting any?

-I will not let my son talk to me in a disrespectful manner, nor will I tolerate him talking to others that way. I always call him on it. Other than that his parents and I have a mutual relationship. Of course this evolved over time and there were glitches here and there. The bottom line is that we now see each other as family. I would come to their aid as I would any family member and I believe they would too. In fact, one of the most difficult things for me has been the distance. My method of aid is usually cooking, or shopping,etc. Hard to do when you live 5 hours away.:(

I can't help but notice that many of the items on your list of "acceptable" boundaries say "feeling." I don't want to feel free to say something, I want to BE free to do it. Speaking from experience, there is a difference. It might not be a difference you were meaning to bring up, and perhaps you meant that bparents should BE free to do those things and not just FEEL like they could. Sorry if this seems nitpicky, it's just I've been told I could FEEL a certain way, started to believe it, and then that wasn't how it WAS. Does that make any sense?? Sorry if it doesn't :/ I also have to agree with we should be treated with respect by both the afamily and the child. I have read some threads where aparents meet with entire bfamilies and are hurt when the extended bfamily members do not seem to respect the role of the aparents. I would be concerned about this going both ways as well. For instance, if a bparent was to be invited to a birthday party for the child, then I would want to know that the afamily would respect my role as bmother. Clearly NOT Mother, but what I am.

TOTALLY agree! Great point...I know if we ever invite Cooper's bmom to his birthday party, then I will make it CLEAR to my family that they ARE to welcome her and will NOT tolerate anyone making her feel uncomfortable (I know it's bad to "force" someone and I doubt I would have any problems with it, but still). If I felt they were, I would simply not invite that family member again. If you involve someone in your child's life then they should have the decency to respect the different aspects of your child's life, wether they agree or not. Good one TGM!

My list above has nothing to do with "acceptable" boundaries. Nor was i asking what boudaries others feel are "acceptable" I'm sure what's acceptable will be different based on the people/situation involved. I just want others to share ANY/ALL aboundaries/situations where the birthparents in their situations bring up THEIR needs/wants/boundaries in their relationships. So we can get a general feel for what they need/want/require in the relationship. My use of the word "feeling" instead of "BEING" is because I do believe birthmothers ARE FREE to share their needs/wants/personal boundaries etc....but I think many "feel" they can't or are afraid to even try. But that's only my personal belief and that's why I worded it that way. But I do agree with you....in some cases they may be told they are free to share...but once they do they may find walls being put up or distance in the relationship. Thank you for adding another..... -free to be accepted, acknowledged and celebrated as the birthmother.

Needs/Wants/Boundaries/etc... of birthmothers in an open adoption - Birthparents working with adoptive parents to decide how much contact they feel comfortable with and in what ways and being free to talk about changes when they are needed. - Feeling/Being free to ask for breaks when/if they need them. - Feeling/Being free to share things when THEY feel ready to share them. - Feeling/Being free to say no to a visit or cancel it if they feel they can't make it...without feeling like they will be punished. -Knowing they can trust you to always keep the relationship open.....or knowing that if there were problems in the relationship that they would be talked about and worked through rather than just dropped without notice. -Feeling/Being accepted,acknowledged, celebrated as the birthmother by others during visits that include extended relatives/friends. -Being treated with respect by the child as well. Having the ability/freedom to call someone out if they are being disrespectful. PLEASE add any others to our list..thanks!!

I really appreciate the "knowing they can trust you to always keep the relationship open." While not really a boundary, it's something HUGE I think for a lot of bmothers. I also enjoy having the ability to call someone out (and letting that go both ways of course!) I think the boundaries that bparents would like to ideally set are often not that different from the boundaries aparents set...I just personally feel sometimes that it's not my place to set them (when I know it's my right to set my own boundaries as I see fit), and it's inherently the role of the aparent to do so - making it more acceptable to the outside eye. Great list though!