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I spoke on the phone with a possible a-parent yesterday. This was a single woman and very nice. But I think she wants a placement far more open than I can deal withbut maybe IŒm wrong? Maybe I can deal with more than I think I can?
I was asking if theyd be okay with 1 or 2 visits per year and phone calls/emails with pictures in between. And sheҒs asking about vacations together and asking if the siblingsӔ want to spend some of summer vacation together, would I let my older child (referring to my 6-year-old, but Im guessing years in the future) visit for short periods of time. How long is a short period of time? ғOh maybe a weekend here and there or a week of vacation in the summer... Uhԅyou want to what?
Why do I have more trouble with the concept of my daughter (the one Im raising) spending time with someone without me than I do the idea of giving a baby over to them to raise? I mean҅my daughters not attached to my hip. She flew with her uncle (my half-brother; age 19) out to visit some of our cousins in Illinois for a full week this summer without me. Her first time on a plane and he says she was fine. My cousin (older than me by 5 years and mom to a brood of twins plus 1) said she was fine the whole time and when I talked to munchkin, she sounded like she was having a lot of fun.
That is normal in my extended family for the kids to visit as ғvacation trading kids over the weeks or in different years as long as the kids are having fun and giving the parents some adult time (I did it as a kid and loved it, especially January weekends in FL with my grandparents) but IԒm having trouble wrapping my head around this possible a-family being extended family
Are their a lot of a-parents who want this extended family thing? I meanŅI guess if we were getting along really well and they invited munchkin to visit for a few days and she wanted to, it would be okaybutŅit bothers me. I know most a-parents are sane and its not going to be like, ґwe have one of you kids and now we want the other҅but thats my first gut reaction.
Does anyone have advice on how to get used to this idea or stories of such openness working?
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I don't think I would be comfortable with this either. To me this is a deep friendship she is talking about...one of those that I only have with a few of my friends even. Something like this can't be planned...it just develops. I wouldn't even think of letting a stranger take my child...and it IS different than if you place because your 6 yr old won't grow up with her. Not to mention it might be very emotional to see her sister and spend time WITHOUT you (not have someone to talk to etc). To me it sounds like she is overpromising things. I don't think anyone realizes the amount of emotion in an open adoption for everyone that makes it hard to "just take a week's vacation". Not saying it will never happen....it's just not something that will automatically happen. I love the idea of them being like "extended family" but that takes time...and honesty...and a lot of emotions to grapple with before hand. In the end you must do what is comfortable for YOU and ONLY you. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't feel like you have to match. I do know of some OA's who are like this...but it's not something that happened overnight (like the kids are 5 or so) and it took a lot of work and understanding. Even with that, sometimes too much is too much...and it still has very powerful emotions attached to it.
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Our families are extensions of our own immediate families. The children are siblings; you can't deny that fact. It works for our family because we make it. We love having their presence in our special days and vice versa. The children love playing together and bonding.Don't write it off because of an initial gut reaction. Openness means different things to each person. Take time to consider what it could mean for your family under each scenario. A note for thought: it's easier to set some boundaries on an adoption you feel is "too open" than it is to open an adoption you feel is "too closed."
We are PAP. We are willing to let the Emom's comfort level drive this discussion over the phone. I don't think I would have suggested these concepts so soon LOL! I am just to nervous that I would scare someone off. :) I agree that this is an area of deep trust. Our family does this all the time - the shifting of kids over a certain age to a cousin's house for a week or a couple of days over the summer. It's a hoot. We'd love it growing up and the kids love it now. I guess they love coming here because we don't have children and thus we indulge them. But we've known each other forever. I think it would take a long time or a special chemistry to develop this kind of relationship between the Emom and her family and us. Trust doesn't usually happen overnight. Someday it would be nice to have this kind of relationship but it seems unusual to have it early on...of course every situation is different. I think you are perfectly normal in your feelings. *shrug* I think it's good that this PAP mentioned her interest up front and if it is too scary for you - then move on. At least no one will be disappointed later if the expectation was voiced and dealt with during the interview. We have been telling our Emoms that they are in the driver's seat regarding this aspect. Our only requirement is that full openness requires a foundation of trust, respect and "healthy" living (which means a safe lifestyle not granola and soy!). The response has been positive. We expressed a willingness to work with periods of closure and periods of extended openness. The flexibility and commitment to flexibility seems to be well received. In the end though all of our Emoms have decided to parent or have dropped out of contact. We are on match 4 and are only 3 weeks from delivery. However the agency feels the Emom is starting to close herself off and that she will ultimately parent. So I guess it will be awhile before we can report on how successful our "flexibility" is... Sincerely,Trixie
I agree that this is an area of deep trust. Our family does this all the time - the shifting of kids over a certain age to a cousin's house for a week or a couple of days over the summer. It's a hoot. We'd love it growing up and the kids love it now. I guess they love coming here because we don't have children and thus we indulge them.
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In the end, you have to do what feels right for you. On this site, - and the world at large - there are a wide variety of people doing adotion in a wide variety of ways. You need to figure out what feel comfortable for you, what you are willing to do, and what you want. Then find a place for your child that fits. You will find prospective aparents that fit almost every possible description and comfort level.
Some thrive in the open adoption environment, some flounder and struggle with it. Some are much more open and involved than most. Many feel more comfortable with semi-open. Trust yourself. YOU are this child's mother, and YOU have the right and responsibility to choose what you think is right for him/her - and for your older child. I say follow your gut. (Of course, make sure it is an informed gut :) LOL!) Trust your feelings.
(((HUGS!!!)))
I think at the beginning that might be a bit much, but certainly over time I could see that happening. At least with our adoption. We consider each other extended family and while we haven't had the kids by ourselves I think this is a reality soon. We have developed a real trust between aparents and bparents, but it took time to build that trust.
I am a birth mother and I have a very open adoption. I only gave birth in August of last year and I have already seen the baby girl about 6 times. I went shopping for Christmas with the Amother. It has been an amazing experience! My own Mother and Father have attended visits with me. My cousin will be going with me on my next visit.
If you ever want to talk. PM me :)
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First off, let me say that i swear by open adoption and would recommend it to anyone and everyone if i could. Now...Ember, it sounds like you are more afraid that you won't be able to handle it than you are afraid for the childs well-being here. if thats the case, then i wouldn;t worry so much. Children don't find things abnormal unless the adults around them tell them their life is weird or abnormal. I can't say for sure that it will work out and be completely painless, but don't short yourself out of chances to be a part of your kids life.
No, it won't always be easy or painless, but nothing worth doing is ever easy or painless.
Some of the posts on this very forum are from people who deeply regret not being a bigger part of their childrens' lives. Don't become one of those people.
-Johnathan
Take you time in deciding what you want to do. If you are uncomfortable with the level of openness she wants, tell her. You can explain to her that you want to take it slow and see how the realtionship develops.
As an adoptive parent I would not want the amount of openness that this person is talking about. We mapped out how open our adoption would be with the bmom being in control. When she said she wanted monthly phone calls we told her we were not comfortable with that right now. We did not close the door on it, we just wanted to get to know her a little better. When we left the meeting we thought, she would not pick us because we said no to phone calls right now. However, she did pick our family. After 4 months we have decided to do phone calls on holidays, and bdays. Maybe eventually we will do monthly. When the child is old enough she can make the decision for herself.
Wow..this is old.
I did not match with the woman mentioned above.
Up until baby was about 5 months old, we did 2x per week meetings and so many phone calls I wanted to scream.
After I requested that they back off, I now see one of the a-parents (usually the dad) once per week without baby and only for about 10-15 minutes. I prefer this for now. I have tried to convince a-mom to cut down on calls but that doesn't seem to be happening. She says she's afraid that if she lets me, I'll back away completely and insists that she won't let that happen.
I'm getting used to it. The advice I was given by many b-moms when I was trying to match was to fidn a couple who without any prompting from me wanted more contact than I thought I could deal with becasue most a-parents would back off a bit after TPR once they were busy with baby. In this case, that advice was wrong. A-mom went from working full-time plus overtime to staying at home all day and apparently has too much time on her hands.
Sink or swim...and I'm drowning...
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Wow Ember - I would say to remember that your feelings are valid also & that if it is too much, they need to respect that. It isn't fair for you that they keep pushing even when you asked they not. Maybe ask them if you can set up some form of set schedule for visits & calls that are more spread apart, that way they KNOW when the next call / visit is & that you will be there then. That is really not fair for them to push this on you after you telling them it was too much.
Ember, good gosh!!! Yikes. I know that many parents (birth and adoptive) in OA talk about the need to set boundaries and expectations. It sounds like you have been trying and not succeeding. That really annoys me!!! It sounds as if the a mom is not listening to you and your needs and putting her own stuff first....I wonder if, as Vogi suggests, you propose a "schedule" of calls and visits or maybe say that you would prefer to instigate calls or something? Good luck!