adoption: tell the teacher or not?

ROFL Joelynn. That is what our first adoption worker asked me! 'If you adopt a biracial child are you prepared for people to assume you've had an affair?' because the child was younger than our bio child, and younger than the length of our marriage. I laughed and said that anyone who knows us would know the situation, and those that didn't don't count. I haven't thought about it since...but we do have some caucasian children and a child who is latino, and another child who is cc/south american indian. No one has ever said anything to my face, but I suppose with a red headed freckle face and an 'native american' appearing child we probably do come in for our fair share of speculation! LOL

The whole family tree is bugging me. I shouldn't let it. I knew I was going to talk to his teacher on goal's night, but what I didn't know is that they were doing a family tree to surprise us parents. It doesn't bother ds as he just assumed it was meant for the family that lives with him. It irks me a bit, tho.I do get assumptions. My oldest son is latino and my little one is black/latino. I am white, although olive complexion so many people think I am latina. Dh is white and people always assume they are one of ours from a previous marriage. We've been married for 11 years, have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Nope, no affairs! I think after awhile you get used to it. Sometimes comments or questions still bug me, but most of the time I'm used to it.

We tell. We have always considered the adoption of our boys an event of celebration and an opportunity to educate people. When my older son - who has a syndactyly issue with one of his hands - was in second grade, one of his classmates came up to me and asked if he was adopted and said that he said he was. I told her yes. Her response was, "Wow, you must really love him to buy a kid with a messed up hand like that." Well, first I agreed that we did indeed love him very much and then explained a little of the process so she would understand that adoption is not buying a child. It was kinda funny. Our boys love sharing the fact they are Russian. As they get older, I can see that becoming a more private issue and I'll let them make the choice as to whether to tell classmates or whatever, but it needs to be mine and DH's decision whether or not to tell the teachers. If we didn't, they might wonder why they were getting Christmas gifts from Russia.:earth:

I tell. With our children being adopted at much older ages they have a lot of resultant emotional and behavioral problems. I find that briefly explaining the circumstances, and making the teachers aware of what problems we deal with helps the teacher cope with our children. Besides, since they were so much older when they came to live with us they are very likely to talk about their adoptions. On the subject of the family tree, in the Bible Paul speaks of the gentiles being grafted into the family of Abraham. I think of our adopted children as being grafted into our family. They are very much a oart of our tree, but they also retains some of thier own uniqueness that they have inherited from their birth family.

[FONT=Times New Roman]Hi![/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I’m an adoptee ( closed 1967) and as achild I was aware that I was adopted ( I’m AA and my aparents are AA) but it didn’t stop me from doing my family tree( I used my afamily). My afamily was my family and to my knowledge, my mom didn’t tell my teachers I was adopted. I guess I’m here reading everyone’s response and thinking: “why does the child being adopted have to be a BIG DEAL?” Isn’t adoption about families being formed? I was always told that I’m adopted BUT my afamily is my family, period. [FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]I was bought up that way. For “me", being “embraced” and “claimed” by my afamily ( without people being told of my “status”) is what made me what I am today- a child who was adopted and raised by two very loving parents in a family that was mine to claim as my own. [FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]I’m sure most of you mean well, (and I respect your decision) but I would leave it up to the child to “share” their history. JMO[FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]-Manni28[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

Manni, while I do see your point, today was a prime example for me as to why I should tell his teachers, at least, while he's young. There was a different teacher that walked him out today instead of his teacher. She wasn't going to let him come to me. He is hispanic, I am not. My youngest son is biracial. She assumed I was just waving at J just to wave at him. It baffled ds as to why she wasn't going to let him come to me. Finally another teacher said, that is his mother, let him go.

Jory started preschool five weeks ago and I haven't said anything. As of now, I have no intention of doing so. I would imagine if he does a family tree he would use his family because that's the only family we know. I agree with Manni. We don't always have to share that our children are adopted.

FYI, Some family trees are based on genetics... hair color, eye color, etc. So no, it is not just about the family they are raised with. They cannot use your eye color and hair color for this exercise. Just a heads up.

While I know we don't always have to share their adoption, I think it is important in some cases. Like when that other teacher wouldn't let me kid come to me at first, because she didn't see how I could be his Mom.

[FONT=Verdana]I'm confused? You said it said it was a different teacher; maybe the reason why she didn't let your child go to you was she didn't know you were his mom. If I saw you and your child (based on what you wrote) together, I would think you were married to a Hispanic man, not that you adopted a child.[/FONT]

Brenda is right and coming from personal experience I'd tell the teacher. When I did the family trees at school I always used my a-family, no questions asked. However, I had to do a project in Biology class about genetics. I told my teacher that I could not do it because I was adopted and I have no information on my birth parents. She called me a liar in front of the whole class. I went home told my parents and we went to school the next day armed with all of my adoption paperwork. Needless to say, we got an apology from the teacher and I was able to do another project to cover the grade. I was a closed adoption and there were no real obvious signs that I was adopted. Once a teacher thought my parents were my grandparents, LOL that was funny I teased my mom forever about that one. That poor teacher was so embarrassed about calling them grandparents. So I feel you should tell so either the teacher or the child does not feel embarrassed in anyway. Now, with open adoptions becoming more commonplace, children have all the information to incorporate both a-family and b-family into one family tree. If the teacher knows the child is adopted then they can be better prepared to help them do this. Also if the child starts talking about "Mommy A" and "Mommy B" the teacher will know and not be put in an awkward situation. Adoption is much different today than in the closed adoption era and it should be handled differently than it was then.

I never knew this! every family tree i've ever seen could easily use the afamily's information. how does this work? they actually ask their eye color, etc..? even i don't know the eye color of my say grandparents on back!

How often do schools do family trees? I never did one in all my years in school, from preschool to college.

Maybe because I had my youngest son with me, who is hispanic/black and my oldest kept saying, "There's my Mommy and brother." I appreciate her being protective of my child, but I do wish she'd realize he DOES know hiw own family!

My son is in first grade and he has already done one. This one was just about family and not genetics. He did not have any problems with this assignment.