I think my Bdaughter is schizophrenic

I think its unwarranted guilt that keeps us engaged.. Keeps us (some of us) asking for more.. Like in that old English novel where the kid says.. Please sir can I have more.Ӕ We were so isolated from each other.. I wish I had of known about CUB in the seventies.. I wish I had of told my friends.. And Ann that is something else that your girlfriends had relinquished as well.. I remember going to an Alanon meeting on my bson birthday and telling my story.. and how sad I was.. The support was incredible.. and there was a birthmom there that was in secrecy mode.. There are no books out there on how to do this.. I sure as heck cant find one.. yes there is The Girls that Went Away.. and it is great that some of us are recognized.. but it was written by and adoptee.. a woman that has not walked the walk.. And I wonder if there are words on how to heal from it in that book.. Maybe there are.. I do not know as I have not read it.. These boards are the way.. for us in my thinking. We can post anonymously if we want and we can find someone that understands.. No more isolation.. Jackie

Jackie, Back in the seventies, we were told never to tell. Even though it was a time of freedom for most, having a baby and not being married was still looked at as something only the baddest of girls did. We were almost programed to keep our mouths shut. I think the main reason why I never told anybody was because I felt ashamed, because it was made to be such a secret. I did know one girl who had a baby at the same time as I did. We went to the same place to have our children. She took her baby home, where as I could not. I saw her often, but we never spoke of it. Her mother ended up raising her child. We went to high school together and never talked to each other about this horrible secret we both carried. Though I suppose I would have changed the subject if she had brought it up. The hurt was still too new for me to deal with. Everything back then was to hard to deal with, so I locked myself up inside. Maybe it was a test, to see how much one girl could take without giving up on life all together, who knows, all I can say is that I would wish it on no other. On the subject of books, I know to some, they are great tools in which to learn from, a place where you can find bits and pieces of the story that relate to you. For me, they have been little if any help, I had been taught to read for enjoyment, so books that were written as non-fiction, have never really been able to catch my attention. Maybe I am wrong, maybe the books would have helped, but for me, it would have been another escape into a world of being alone. Had I gotten into it, i would have spent more time alone pouring over those books, and never found a reason to open my mouth and talk about it. Don't get me wrong, I love to read, and do it quite often, but I can close out the whole world when I am lost in a book. In fact, I am reading a wonderful book right now, that my daughter Rachel gave me, "The five people you will meet in Heaven", it's a very interesting book about who shall guide us, when we get to heaven, it really makes you think. I highly recommend it to anybody who is feeling low about life. It makes you think about the lives you have touched while on your journey, people you don't even know about. Though i still miss my bdaughter, I have grown used to the idea of life without her. Her birth was a huge part of my life, and who I have become. If I could talk to her, I would thank her, for giving me peace, and allowing me to heal. I may not have been able to do that, had she not come back, or had shut the door right away, not allowing me to know her. I can no longer be angry about it. I got as much as she could give, and though at the time, I thought it wasn't enough, I guess it really was. I am a much better person for having known her. Even though it worked out the way it did, at least I don't have to wonder anymore. It has given me peace and has freed me from the awful guilt I carried for so long. Perhaps in time, we can work it out, if not, I can live with the knowledge I have. Colleen

Colleen (et all) I started a new thread while replying to your post.. Its called.. On the subject of books.. I would love to read discuss what books have helped us birthparents. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-family-support/313780-subject-books.html[/url] Jackie

Sorry I've not been active. Thanks for the thoughts. Considering some type of counseling again. Just a wait and see situation at the moment. Sent an email to daughter and havent heard back. It usually takes her a while to respond.(Just a Hello Note for now) I've been working on the letter. I've laid out some ground rules and hope they go over well with her. If she wants to vent, she can do so without screaming at me, or I call a timeout. I've suggested some counseling for the both of us. Of course we can't do it at the same time but I will be willing if it will help us. There's a good list but that's the jest so far. I've included the situation concerning her conception. I warned that it wouldnt be easy to understand and I would tell her everything I possibly could if she wants to know more. I'm trying to find a way to reassure her that my feelings for her dont change because of it... I'm really trying to be the person I hope she wanted. A trust worthly loving adult. I may have blown it but I'm willing to try again... being that said, I'm asking her for a second chance and to start over fresh. Maybe she knows she's gone to far and dont know how to back out from all her lashing out. Here I'm giving her a way out, to start over. I'm very willing to move on to a better relationship if she is. I'm suggesting putting it all out there. I want her to tell me how she feels, sees our relationship and what she wants out of it, or how she wants it to turn out. If she is trying to run me off and thought acting out would be easier, then tell me. I can do what it takes to make it better. But no abuse from either side, period. I've not covered every point but its an overview of the draft so far. Any suggestions as to points to add? Or not to add. Rose

Rose.. I think you are absolutely correct in what you are writing to your birthdaughter.. Out in the open.. if she wants it.. If she wants you to back off.. you are willing.. Jackie

Rose - first of all, good for you. The hardest part is deciding what to do and you've made your decision and from your post it sounds like you're taking the right approach. Respect is a 2-way street and your note will let her know that you're in it for the long haul but can't, I should say, won't take any nonsense. She may be embarrassed or regretful of lashing out. I regret my last e-mail to bson for different reasons and I would appreciate a "do-over". Let us know how it goes, we're all rooting for you. :cheer: Take care.

Rose, The letter sounds good, it would appear that you have covered everything. I do hope that your bdaughter sees the courage it took for you to write it. I hope it all works out. Just keep in mind that she may not reply right away, it might take her some time to digest everything, and she may feel guilty for what she has done in the past. Give her some time. I'm sure the letter will help, and once she really see's things from your side, she will understand. I wish you all the luck, and hope that this letter brings you the peace you are seeking. Colleen

Rose, (sorry guys, been busy)I think it's great that you sent the email to your daughter. Laying out the ground rules and the time outs if things get out of hand. It's important. Especially the time outs as it gives both you and her the opportunity to think before you speak. One thing struck me in your last post and it was the part where you want to be the person she wants. I may not be very old, but the one thing I learned in 25 years is to NOT be the person everyone wants. It's exhausting. Be the person you are, Rose. The reason I say this is because you can't be the person she wants. I don't think she really knows what person she wants out of you. From what I picked up on the forums here, you are a kind, gentle and honest person. You have some "skeletons" like everyone else does. You have also been thru some HORRIBLE things and have come out on the other side. Experiencing a rape and surviving is incredible. Placing a child and surviving, incredible. Give yourself some credit. I see a strong woman. Be you and she can either take it or leave it. It's her choice. But don't exhaust yourself trying to be what she wants. It's not worth the heartache.I also agree that you should see some counceling for the rape. Thru my experiences, I became a runner. (And I don't mean jogging). When things got too tough for me to face, I ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I ignored the pain that it had caused and struggled thru life ignoring what has happened to me. The problem with all that is no matter how far and how fast you run, it's still there and will stay there until you face it and move past it. Rape is a terrible tragedy that no person should ever face. But it's a reality too. In order to move past the pain and anger and resentment that it caused you, you will need to face it. Something I learned from a bmom on the forums here, you are correct. You don't OWE her anything. (remember, speaking as an adoptee here..........oops...LOL) I went into my reunion believing that bmom owed me too. I think that a lot of adoptees do that. But you don't owe her a thing. At the very least she deserves to know what happened. But anything past that is up to the higher forces. Don't feel like you owe anything. You made a choice that you saw fit at the time. A choice that was difficult, I am sure. And a choice that you live with everyday. Keep up what you are doing, slow and steady. We are all here to help Remember guys, boys are raised to stuff their emotions whereas girls are raised to embrace emotion. That is why boys are taught not to cry, play with dolls or do "sissy" things. Girls are taught to play with dolls and that it's okay to cry. Therefore, girls, by nature will express emotion during a reunion, no matter how crazy it may seem. Boys, on the other hand, will "stuff" it because emotion is not masculine. (I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is.)

Family came and went, a weeks worth of DH's family. I enjoyed it very much but wanted so much to post here. My computer is in the office/guest room, so the armour was shut closed for company time. I had to put everything off for the moment, but it was good for me to take a break, but sure did miss exchanging thoughts here. Diva, I suppose my thinking pushes me in the direction of being someone she wants but maybe I cant be. I think she wants this reunion warrior who rushes in to be everything she wanted or waited for. Now, this is my mind at work not her words. In reality, I'd love to shut the door. I've gave all the medical info I can, I've tried to be the loving bio-mom, etc. With the history of the adoption/birth, I'd like to push it to the back of my mind and move on. I was okay for years, I truly was. Until reunion and the flood of emotions that came back, good and bad, I'm just not at a happy place. I know she is not either, or her actions say that. I've not heard from her, but I'm not pushing and also had a week away from the pc. I've actually had a nice mental vacation. I'm so grateful to all the responses. Even the private messages, some were kind, some were pretty darn attacking... but it all gave me food for thought. DH read my posts and agrees, some therapy might be good for me. At this point with the reunion and all, he feels there are new issues that need to be covered that werent covered in previous sessions. I thought retirement with my husband meant everything would be so quiet and leisurely, I was wrong. But I think I will , no I know I will get through this. I'm waiting to hear from DD and send out a snailmail letter. I have all my thoughts in order. Its all out in writing with love. I hope this changes our relationship in the right direction. If it dont, all I can do is know that I did the best I could. Its all in the Lords hands now. Thanks much to all, Rose:flowergift:

Hi Rose, I'm an 43 year old adult adoptee who is a product of a date rape. Although my bmom doesn't want contact, she did recently (after a long story) send me a few paragraphs. I am very glad that she told me the truth. She had wanted to keep my conception a secret from me, but it doesn't help. Her being truthful really, finally gave me peace. I would love for her to change her mind and one day be able to communicate with me, but that will have to be when/if she's ever ready. She knows how to reach me. If you get the opportunity, please consider being as honest as possible with your bdaughter, realizing that the news may hit her like a bag of bricks and she may not even believe you at first. There had been indications that my bmom was date raped, but I didn't want to believe it. When she came out and told me, it did take be a bit to digest it. Now I realize how brave she was to tell me and how much courage it took for her to write those words to me. I think there's real meaning in the saying 'the truth sets us free'. Once the truth iss out there, it can't lurk in the corner and scare us anymore. Elaine

Elaine, thank you for your post. I do hope as time passes your bmom is able to forge some kind of relationship with you. take care.

Ladies, I'm very sorry for not being around.. nearly a month or longer. Daughter wants to close the door. She received my letter and more or less told me she feels I'm lying and trying to back out since we have had many communication problems lately. I'm hurt but okay. I had even mentioned that she might not believe me etc. So I don't know what to do. Ive done everything I know to do. The parents are upset that I spilled this out to her. I guess I'm cold and feel like its their problem now, let them get some of the hate Ive been getting. Being truthful at least got it off my chest and its not the burden it once was.. hiding the dirty secret. Its not so bad now, like a bit of healing... if that makes sense to anyone. I'm keeping the door open in a way... if she writes or calls, or even emails, I will respond. she may need more time to heal herself. With everything that comes with life this may have been more than she could handle.. she mentioned how cruel I was to her... :( I feel guilty too. Like I sprang this on her and then hid. Not so, but cant stop the feelings. Have to cut this short. I hope I can find time to come back and post more. Rose

I think you two are incredibly brave. It takes a lot to open up and say what has happened to you both, I take my hat off to both of you, Elaine for being brave to take on how painful and difficult it was for your mother to tell you this and to Rose for having the courage to tell your daughter what has been so incredibly hard for you. I wish you both peace and hope that in time, both of you will get the healing you both deserve. Someone once said to me, Janny, even if with all you've done, your son doesn't come out of this as well as you'd hoped, I'm pretty certain you will. The same goes for you both. It takes real courage and commitment to go through reunion with what you are dealing with and you have it in bucket loads. I truly hope that you both get a good response in time and that each other's comments will be an aid to that healing. You are both an inspiration to the words: "Enter your reunion with caution, compassion, responsibility and patience. If you exercise these four principles, then you know that you have entered your reunion honorably, regardless of its outcome" (Bailey & Giddens p5 Adoption Reunion Survival Guide). The same book comments on how the relationships in some reunions are terminated when the insensitivity and/or ignorance of another became too overwhelming. Whatever happens now, don't let it get in the way of the healing you deserve. I admire the courage you've shown all along. Amazing.

Rose, I am so sorry, I know how hard this all must be for you, and I understand. I do believe you did the right thing, for you and for her. You needed to let it all go, to begin the healing process, and she needed to know it, so perhaps she could understand a little better, what you have dealt with. The emotions are raw right now, for both of you, so just allow yourself some time. Allow her some time to digest all of this information. I think that in time, she will see how brave you really are. Time can heal so many things. Keep on posting, if you can, so we can help you along, should you need us. Best wishes. Colleen

I wanted to stop and leave more info on my story. Last few weeks, DD has sent very short emails. She asked how I was, etc. This was unsettling only because it was so out of character. All that bashing, now short but sweet notes. I know take what I get... I've wrote back only giving details of the holidays and family and how we'd love to see her Xmas break if she'd like to visit. I'm planning on sending gifts and hope they arent returned etc. Im being hopeful. Feelings now, I'd like to include her in my life. I cant just shut the door on her. If she needs me or wants me involved how can I turn her away? I wish I understood her. I've read and read lately. I understand the abandonment issues, trust etc. I'm just not sure how to take steps to make this work. I've prayed constantly to do the right thing. I do believe telling her was the right thing. I'm only cautiously waiting for her wrath. She's being kinda nice... like I said brief but not firing shots at me. I'm sorta confused if you couldn't tell. I have to laugh at myself and this situation. One day at a time. I have to be honest. I was sad because I told her. I even thought how could I let total strangers talk me into this... I was so wrong. So THANK YOU ladies for your words. Everyone! Even ones I blasted at my emotional rawest. I hope one day I can help someone esle. I need to post when others need help but dont feel I have the experiance to tell others but I think just kind words would be enough. I'll try to keep posting when I can. Rose:thankyou: