Why Why Why?????

I did have a bio child...4th pregnancy in 2 years. I was in my early 20s. My first son was 10 weeks premature and died at 15 days. The next 2 pregnancies ended in 1st trimester miscarriages. My 20 yr old was also 8 weeks premature after 13 weeks of bedrest. My dh and I decided that physically,emotionally and financially we couldn't go through another pregnancy. So we went on our adoption journey 10 years later. It's been almost 22 years since our first son died but even though I'm not watching the calendar I know when his birthdate is...I'm very emotional during that time. Some years bad and other years I hardly know it has passed. He passed on my dh's birthday so we always have that reminder. Whatever path we have all gone down it still rears it's ugly head. :flower:

Joelynn, I am sorry about your losses. When you equated grief and loss to that of losing a loved one, I immediately thought of my brother. I haven't lost a child, just the dream of experiencing pregnancy.Thank you for sharing.

Back at ya Ani :love:

Hi Ani, I am a-mom to two lovely little boys that I love more than life. They are my life and my joy. I also battled with infertility for many years, so I can relate to what you are feeling. Answers? I don't have any. I also still cry over the babies that I lost. G-d decided that I should be mother to Shai and Adam. Why my other babies weren't supposed to be born, I don't know. One doesn't replace the other, that's for sure. Having your boys doesn't cancel the pain of loosing a baby. Allow yourself to grieve, it's natural and understandable. Sending you prayers, lots of positive thoughts and warm wishes, Miriam

Bajj, I can truly feel your pain... what's is the hardest thing is when another baby shower is given, do I or don't I attend is always my question??? I am ever so gently reminded of the time when I cried one morning looking at the blessing of our precious daughter and I remembered the struggles of helping to train up children that I had not birthed, crying out I asked; "Lord is this my lot in life?" The Lord so reminded me that the purpose that I am walking in is far greater than my own plans, they are His plans. I was sort of brought to my knees humbled before Him I knew in my heart I was so thankful for the goodness of the Lord even in my own barrenness. I truly had to think about Isaiah 54, but it still doesn't take away the pain or the cry of your heart... Praying for you to be strengthened each and every day, for His purpose to fulfill. Blessings~~

Thank you...actually I was speaking in the loss of any close person like your brother. I had plenty of time to come to terms with my inability to have normal pregnancies and didn't want to watch another child start life off in the NICU. I even was 10 minutes away from having my tubal reversed when I decided I couldn't go through it again. Talking about waiting until the last minute to come to that epiphany!!!:arrow: I had no problem getting pregnant but staying pregnant. Year and a half after I backed out of that surgery I had to have a hysterectomy so there was a reason...I may not have been able to get pregnant again. I know that if I hadn't had those issues I wouldn't have thought about adoption and wouldn't have the beautiful family that is mine today. It all works out for a reason and after 22 years my dh and I were able to finally but a headstone on our first son's grave without that terrible overwhelming grief washing over us. Time does heal all wounds...if you let it.:flower:

I'm glad you feel that way joelynn.

With infertility, many usually lose the ability to conceive by degrees. What I mean by this is, first you try naturally, then you start to go through test and one by one things are ruled out. Then, the treatments begin, for us numerous rounds of clomid, then 5 IUI's, then one in-vitro. All told, 7 years were gone. No one told me right off the bat, "You can't conceive". I had 7 years to live the dream and lose the dream. I love my sons with all my being.....but I grieve the fact I didn't carry them. It has absolutely nothing to do with genetics, etc. I mourn not knowing what it's like to carry a precious life inside me. For many women, it's a powerful force that has trouble being denied. And every time someone said, "Well, you won't have morning sickness, etc"....that only hurt me. They don't understand what I would have GIVEN for that privilege. But to end on a bright note...God richly rewarded me for my sadness....he gave me two sons that I will have everlasting life with... Michelle

This is so true. I think you put my thoughts into words. Thank you! :)

Hi Ani, First off - let me say I am sorry you are going through this right now, but I hope you are comforted by knowing that so many of us feel the same way - or share some of these emotions right along with you. On Friday night we watched the movie "Knocked Up". Weird comedy, lots of jokes that go way to far...anyways, at the end of the movie she gives birth in a surprisingly touching "birthing" scene. I lost it. I bawled for awhile and then felt so sad ALL night - my dh thought it was because we would never experience that moment together, and in a way it was, but it was more than that. I was all of a sudden SO sad that I hadn't given birth to my baby boy - that I had no idea what he looked like at birth, did he have hair? did he cry? was it a long labour? what did he look like? Was he surrounded by love and joy? All these things I want for him but have no idea if he had. All these questions about a person I love more than my own life and the truth is I will never know the answers to these questions and it made me so sad... I guess my point is that while adoption is truly a miracle it also comes with layers of sadness that come out at unexpected times (like when watching stupid comedies with your dh and neighbour - how embarassing!)...and infertility just adds another dimension to this. Hugs to you... Karyn

Karyn, ohmigosh, I had literally the EXACT same reaction after watching Knocked Up (my DH thought I was nuts!).

OK, that's it, I AM NOT watching that movie!

I'm sorry you are hurting right now Ani...((((HUGS))))

Thanks crick, I am much better today. I just had a "poor pitiful me" moment yesterday. I had just found out about yet another friend who is expecting (and I have pms, too) so I was a bit overwhelmed. I feel like I'm thinking straight again today. I appreciate everyones support.

Loveajax - Really???? LOL! I am so happy to not be the only nutcase on the block :hypno: Even I thought it was weird - it's not like it was a big sentimental scene - but wow! did I ever lose it.