Do Anti-Adoption Activists Hurt Your Open Adoption Relationship?

If you allow it – ANYTHING can hurt your open adoption relationship. I’ve actually found that listening to any one ‘opinion’ (right or wrong, good or bad) can damage any of my relationships…adoption or non-adoption related.To be totally frank – and I might upset a lot of people here, but you asked - I’ve actually done more potential ‘damage’ to my open adoption relationship by ‘listening’ to many of the people here…I actually find myself second guessing things that have always been totally ok – my daughters mom has actually encouraged me to stop reading here – because she feels I am trying to hard to make her feel like a mom…when certain topics/discussions come up. Additionally – most of the readers/posters here are still dealing with toddlers (or younger) children in open or semi open adoption – they’ve yet to face many of the issues that we’ve faced in our OA…they’ve yet to get where we are…In their defense, however, many of the things they feel/say now are the same things that my daughters mom felt/said when M was a baby/toddler too. In closing – to answer your question – yes – Anti-Adoption actives have hurt my open adoption – but so have pro-adoption folks. It’s why I caution people to read this forum as a guide, not an instruction manual. My situation isn’t for everyone in OA – I realize that – but my situation isn’t wrong or bad either…and if I listened to everyone who has told me that it is – they’d have done far more damage than any anti-adoption zealot could have done.

"yes – Anti-Adoption actives have hurt my open adoption – but so have pro-adoption folks" The same for me

Not really. Mostly becuse I guess I have learned over the years to take most things with a grain of salt. I do not personalize them. My son is 23 years old. When we first started out there was only a handful of people in open adoptions. We made our own way, for better or for worse. I would be interested in what your definition is of "anti-adoption."

No. If anything, the venemous anti-adoption activists strengthen the relationship that D and I have with one another. They give us a lot of things to discuss, those issues we might not have thought of on our own.On a personal level, they sometimes get to me. D has been upset once or twice as well. But they've never hurt our relationship.

Brandy wrote Amen to that.. As I was reading I was thinking of the folks that I know that are anti adoption and how they want a 'one size fits all' kind of scenario.. Don’t do it because it hurt me.. Its trying to force others to do it their way.. not a good solution to a very difficult life changing situation.. Jackie

I had the opposite. I wasn't really into much openness. Then I started reading some of the anit-adoption rhetoric. I started thinking maybe I should make things more open out of my guilt. I've been struggling with this for the past year. (This place does not help with that.) Anyway, then I read a blog that gave me the metaphorical lightbulb. There was a woman who had relinquished. She said in her blog that infertility was no big deal. She said infertile women should just go volunteer at daycare or a maternity home and stop trying to replace real mothers. This disgusted me and I think it is very anti-adoption. Anyway, some of the other blogging birthmothers who I had been reading(and who I didn't consider anti-adoption) and who had really started to influence me and my thinking about my own son's birthmother thanked her for her post and agreed with it. It made me realize that I needed to stop reading these blogs and stop feeling guilty because these women and I were NOT on the same page. Peace, K

Thank you all for some really good insights. My own perspective (and some of my motivation for asking this question) has been that I do read (and write) so much about adoption online, and I do encounter times when some of the pervasive negative attitudes about adoption bring me way down emotionally. It makes it harder for me to have visits and talk with the birthparents of my kids, because I don't want those kind of negatives to ruin our relationships. While I do feel it is important to read about all sorts of opinions about adoption, even those that I feel are negative and disagree with, I am often at a loss with how to keep those things I read from bringing my mood (and often self-esteem) down. To address Brendas question... "I would be interested in what your definition is of "anti-adoption." I actually would define anti-adoption as the following (and remember this is my opinion)... Groups or persons who are against any form of adoption, and see it as something that should never happen, period. To me these people simplify the issue, by refusing to acknowledge that while ғideally children should be able to remain with their family of origin, in a less than ideal world the facts are that for many children adoption is often their best prospect for a family and a future. I think of many of the situations involving International adoptions currently in the news, and the groups who are promoting only supporting mothers, while they also need to simultaneously be promoting safe and ethical adoption options for the children who need it. While I agree much more should be done to ensure that mothers are provided help to parent their children, and made safe from coercion and kidnaping or child trafficking threats, those mothers should still have the option to release their child for adoption if they make that informed decision. So in short those who say, ԓNO adoption, no way, now where, I consider ԓanti-adoption. I also believe there is a sub-culture of persons who had a negative adoption experience and unfortunately choose to then promote a strong anti-adoption agenda. This goes much farther than simply airing the truths of the complexities of adoption, and sharing their own experiences that suffered because of lack of education, or ethics, but a blanket and generalized negative attitude about ALL adoption that they want to push on everyone. Adoptive parents are demonized, adoptees who feel loved and secure are touted as being in denial, and birthparents who have come to their own terms about their loss and who do not share their negative perspective are blasted as just still sipping that ԓadoption kool-aid. To me this is anti-adoption and offensive because it does not acknowledge that everyone has their unique experience, and allow others to be confident or positive about adoption in the midst of their personal angst. If you do not agree adoption is bad, then you are belittled and harassed. Very anti-adoption. I wonder because I believe this strong emotion is wasted in the wrong place, and could be better funneled by these people into adoption reforms to protect others from having the same negative experiences they had, rather than harassing and criticizing those who believe that their own adoption experience was ok. So again, in short, those who say, ԓMy adoption was bad, so all adoption is bad (and you better agree,) I consider anti-adoption.Ӕ Again, and as I do at the blogs, this is me sharing my opinion, and I am not expecting anyone to concur. Just my feelings from my unique perspective. Deb

Sometimes stuff gets to me personally....For example, I saw the blog an a mom (who seems to be probably one of the most "open" OA moms I have seen) talking about her DD (adopted at birth) having a hard time with preschool. And someone commented on how the a mom was right to think it may be a result of "adoption trauma." It's stuff like that that makes me bonkers.....(not that I don't think adoption is a loss for the child, but it's hard for me to "attribute" preschool adjustment to something like that!). On the other hand, I do think that there are people who are legitimately concerned about some of the ethical problems/dilemmas with domestic infant adoption. I really do agree with many of the "reforms" that I have seen suggested. To me, although I don't like extremism on anything...sometimes you need extremists to make you feel reasonable! This stuff doesn't hurt my relationship with DD's birth mom...if anything, it makes me appreciate our relationship more. And I think a lot of extremism is born of pain, and I think it has helped me realize that, though she does not talk about it much, DD's birth mom has suffered a lot...I hope that helps our relationship too (not the pain, but at least my basic "acknowledgment" of it).