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You will meet the best people GOD has made here. I know for a fact if it was not for these people DW and I would not of survived what we went through and I know we will continue needing the support just to get over what we were put through. Through the anger and the confusion and the total fear they stuck with us and gave advice and comfort even when they themselves had issues going on. ChristieS-Sadmamma-Joskids-Stacykelly2 just to name a few have carried us through some of our darkest days. We could never repay them and everyone for what they have done and they do not expect it. Feel free to express any emotion you chose here and you will be amazed on how this sight is GOD controlled. Good luck and GOD BLESS
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Welcome heyruthie. There are many of us on this board who have struggled through this, and who continue to struggle. The support on this board is amazing and these families are amazing. We are here for each other - and there is a strong network of love and support. I too have been helped tremendously by daddysangel, Joskids, Stacykelly2, and many, many others. My deepest appreciation goes out to those who have helped me get through such dark times. I am sorry you are going through this. I am glad you found us. Christie
Ruthie, welcome to this board. I'm sorry, obviously, that you are here because of a contested adoption. I agree with the others, there is much support on this board. Our adoption was finalized at this time, last year but I still check in with others that are struggling to offer support. Please let us all know what you need and what your situation is. We have lots of resources and are here to help and to keep you in our prayers. Hugs.
Yea!! I honestly have tears in my eyes--just because I've found you all!!! I can't tell you what it means to me to find others who are going through (or have gone through) the same struggle that we are.
Our situation is somewhat different than some of the others I've read about here. I will write more soon--hopefully tonight after I get the kiddos in bed. I'm excited to share our whole story (up to this point!) with you. I wish I could post a pic in my siggy, so you can see thekiddos. But it might be a bad idea.....do people try to keep things anonymous on this board?
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Our situation is especially complicated, because it involves so MANY different people, and so many threads. Here is our basic story:
DS#1 and DS#2 are my brother's children--my nephews. He and his wife were drug addicts.
2002: I am HORRIFIED to find out that my brother's 17 year old girlfriend is pregnant. I know that my brother (who is several years older) is a drug addict. I discover that the girl is too.
2002: DS#1 is born. My brother and his wife attempt to raise him. He is schlepped through thier world of drugs: in and out of crack and meth houses, neglected, etc. They are out of my reach. I often don't even know where they live.
2004: DS#2 is born. The BioParents are homeless, addicts, and have no place to go, in the middle of the winter. They refuse help from their whole family. In the middle of a blizzard, Bmom abandons the children (aged 2 yrs. and 4 months old) with my brother--still an addict. He places them both with my parents--the BioGrandparents. At the time of placement, both children were starving to death, had no clothing, and the older boy tried to eat food from public garbage cans, while the 4 month old weighed less than he did at birth. They were both traumatized. The BioGrandparents go to court and get (in six months succession) Emergency Custody, Temporary Custody, and then Full Legal Custody. Bmom is aware of the proceedings, and informs the GAL that she does not want to attend, and wishes to relinquish full custody.
2005: Both BioParents disappear, moving out of the state. BioMom has a warrant out for her arrest. Bio dad OD's several times. My husband and I begin respite care for the boys from the start. The boys begin to spend more and more time in our home. We hear nothing from Bparents, except occasional emails from Bmom. We alert the GAL that we would like to consider adoption. She is happy that the boys are bonding with us. The boys come to live with us full-time, when they are 9 months and 3 years old.
2006: BioMom gets arrested, and has to come to the area for a trial. She demands a visit with the children--who, by now, have completely forgotten her. We ask for proof of sobriety, based on what our court order states. We receive nothing, until we are served with papers, stating that she is suing for full custody. She has not seen the children in over a year. We file for adoption.
2007: After a greuling year in court, our adoption petition is denied. The Bmom perjured herself repeatedly, and was caught!!! She had to deny perjury on the stand. The children have not seen her in over 2 years. They have absolutely NO knowledge about any of this turmoil, except for simple explanations for the 5 year old (who has some developmental delays.) The judge orders IMMEDIATE reintroduction and visitation. BUT the judge awards us full custody, saying it is not in the childrens' best interest to live with Bmom.
Late 2007: Both boys, esp. the older one suffer from serious emotional problems after the monthly visits, which we cannot attend. The boys had to "meet" her without us there--in the midst of HORRIBLE hatred towards us on her part. We didn't even get to speak with her beforehand. There is no therapeutic component. Bmom is dragging us in to court every 3 weeks or so, trying to gain FULL custody. This children have only seen her 4 times, and she is still really a complete stranger to them.
Conclusion: We have been given all the responsibilites of Aparents, but with none of the rights. We have all the weight of the tasks before us, but have been stripped of the tools to do the job. Both boys have SERIOUS drug exposure issues, requiring special helps. The Bmom now has 2 more babies with someone new (4 children, total.) But she is on a rampage, filing Pro Se motions, and making our lives a living He**. We have no security. Our savings is gone. Our legal fees have topped $70K. We love our boys, but I'm not even allowed to refer to myself as their "mother" in our conversations with the Bmom or the GAL--because it might "upset" the Bmom. To this date, we STILL have no proof that she is off Heroine, and she lives many, many hours away in another state. She regularly write horrible, accusatory emails--not realizing that the boys don't even know her--and consider the "visitations" some weird event in the park that leaves them feeling unsettled, confused and scared. She ignores the younger child, saying she "never bonded" with him. But she won't keep her hands off the older child, who comes home and gets in bed, facing the wall, in the fetal position.
Silver Lining: My brother is finally, after 10 years of addiction, clean and sober for 13 months now. He has been our staunchest supporter, and helper. He has willingly given up all rights to the boys, and has not seen or met them, in order to prevent further trauma during this turbulent period. Maybe someday, if things settle down and the boys get some stability, he will be able to become an "Uncle" to them....
I'm guessing she will dig her own grave, I've seen it happen many times. Considering your commitment to the boys and their special needs, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hang in there. These are 2 very lucky boys to have you on their side and considering their best interest, which is more than I can say for their mother.
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heyruthie,
I am so sorry you are going through this, it is just awful. No matter how different or alike our stories are, we are all fighting the same battle - to keep our kids safe, happy, healthy and stable. It can be very lonely without support of others who can actually understand what you are going through. The people here are a phenomenal strength and resource - and will become your "friends" even though you may never lay eyes on them.
I fought for my daughter's adoption for 17 months and though it is over and her adoption is finalized, the scars remain. Sure, the joy now outweighs the struggle, but I am forever changed because of the experience.
I wish you luck and strength. Do not give up!
Stacy
Thank you all for your kind words. This experience has ALREADY changed me. We've been fighting for the kids' safety for almost 3 years now--in one way, shape or form.
Social Services is not involved--although I wish that they were. In our state, it's not unusal to "dump" a child on the family--giving them legal custody only. Then, the courts and any outside agencies wash their hands of you.....
This is what happened to us. We were awarded custody, then the courts "closed" our case. But the Bmom keeps dragging us back in to court, trying to get custody herself. I've been told by our GAL that this can go on for years.
We have to pay for everything ourselves: our attorney, our adoption GAL, our therapists, our counselors, even (in an ironic twist) the visitation supervisor. (I say it's ironic, because we've been vocal from the beginning, saying that we felt visitation would harm the children.) We don't receive any services, support, child support, or assistance of any kind. We're paying for health insurance, private preschool, food, clothing, everything--even though it was an abuse and neglect case. Because we (relatives) stepped in, the foster system never got involved.
I agree with billysmommy that No matter how different or alike our stories are, we are all fighting the same battle - to keep our kids safe, happy, healthy and stable. Does the visitation supervisor witness what you said about "But she won't keep her hands off the older child?" and that "She ignores the younger child"? There needs to be documentation regarding this and the boys' behaviors after visitation. Can your sons' GAL file a motion to mandate Social Services involvement? And if not, can you do like I did and call them yourself and make a report - basically "forcing" them to address the behavioral issues? I could NEVER have imagined myself actually wanting DHR in my home, in my life, - but there I was, begging them to intervene. (I also went to the state capitol and spoke with the higher-ups in person, asking for their help.) Oh - and I also asked everyone I knew if anyone knew anyone who could intervene on my child's behalf. Your GAL was correct in that this could go on for years. Mine is now over 5 years and running - birthmom filing insane motions against us; she gets free legal services, we have been financially devastated. Also - can you file a motion for child support? She most likely won't pay it and then you can make the case that if she can't afford minimum child support payments then she can not possibly afford to raise these children. In another way of an ironic twist, my son's birthmom filed what is called a "Dependency Petition". This way she side-stepped DHR altogether and filed the motion to have my child declared, by the judge, a dependent and taken away from us and placed in foster care (INSANE!). Anyway - a "Dependency Petition" can also be used to force the state to have the children declared wards of the state (foster children) and then Social Services could (in my case certainly would have) make you the foster parents. I don't know about you - but my son's GAL worked against him and for them. Still does. The GAL in my case could have made all the difference in the world - actually, he DID make all the difference in that he was in bed with THEM. (Yes - I said it - in bed with them!) So I have to wonder about your sons' GAL. Are you having to pay him/her? And have you considered hiring an "Attorney-ad-Litem" for your sons? I'm just trying to get a legal fix on your situation. Let me know where you stand on some of these things. There is much that can be done and I know the feeling of "drowning" in these legal battles. Christie
heyruthie
...the boys don't even know her--and consider the "visitations" some weird event in the park that leaves them feeling unsettled, confused and scared. She ignores the younger child, saying she "never bonded" with him. But she won't keep her hands off the older child, who comes home and gets in bed, facing the wall, in the fetal position.
heyruthie
We have to pay for everything ourselves: our attorney, our adoption GAL, our therapists, our counselors, even (in an ironic twist) the visitation supervisor. (I say it's ironic, because we've been vocal from the beginning, saying that we felt visitation would harm the children.)