"HELP" sibling sexual abuse

I have been unable to keep up with all the post. Some people really seem to think they know us and everything about our situation. They beleive that there is only one answer to our situation. PERIOD! But actually as far as anyone really knows there may not be any answer at all. There are those that have said we had a knee jerk reaction and no saftey plan in place and that we have discarded our son when infact all of those statements are false. It took us many days and sleepless nights of researching and reading to try to learn about sibiling sexual abuse and the affects. When 4g was not doing any better after saftey plans were in place, we did not feel we had any choice. You hear a lot about 6b being a victim and I know he was, he is getting help with that, but you don't hear much about the 4g being a victim of her brother. To her it feels the same emontionaly no matter what his age is 6,16, 36. After alot of researching and speaking to victims of incest many say that being sexually abused by a brother is just has traumatizing as being sexually abused by a father and have the same after affects. Today it is easy for us grown ups to see the 6b as a poor little boy whom has had it so rough, and I do. But you have stop and see him through the 4g eyes. Which I am sure is not always easy to do but our 4g was screaming for help, not with words but by not sleeping, not eating, not speaking clearly, wetting and soiling herself, no laughter, blank stares, .......... A very sad little girl whom needs to know beyond any alarm that she is always safe in her own bed at night. May God help us all.

"may god help us all"amenno truer words spoken

No one is hitting me with my own stick...not allowed, sorry.;) Trust me...people disagree with me all the time and I've had disagreements with a lot of people on this forum. I think a lot of what is said is similar by all of us and it's how it's said that is key. That's the last I'll say on the side topic...I'm guilty of side track here and my apologies. Lorraine - I think you are correct...it's a toss in the air and difficult all the way around. I touched on "other issues" earlier in the thread and I think things your sister said make a lot of sense. Who knows what would have happened if things had been different for your family? Mchll - I apologize if you feel we "know" you and everything about your situation. More than anything, I think we wanted to hear from you that all avenues have been explored as you just stated in your last post. Plus...topics go further into things that might not necessarily be just about you since we hadn't heard from you recently. I hope you and your family heal.

I think everyone has agreed that if with counseling and a safety plan the younger child was not getting better or feeling safe then something will need to be done. It just was not clean in the first place how long the safety plan had been in place or how much of a safety plan it was, or what type of counseling the children had. Days of research does not sound like enough to me, but I don't know if there was also counseling involved of what the safety plan entailed. I will say though that the alarm is a good idea even if the other child is out of the house. Having been abused myself (not by my brother but by a friend of my moms) I can tell you that the person not living in the same house is not enough to feel safe. Even when the man moved to another state I did not feel safe, I felt like I could be victimized by someone else at any time. I did not sleep until my german shepherd started sleeping with me. An alarm would have done the same as far as giving me peace of mind. Dont' discard the idea just cause the brother is out of the house. Also the child still needs counseling, even if it never happens again, she needs counseling. I know it's a pain in the butt to deal with, but it will help her. So would an alarm, it would help her feel safe. No matter what ultimatly happens she still needs counseling. Keeping the kids together or separating them is something that I can't judge since I don't know the kids and don't know all the facts. What the people who have been there and done that have told you is that yes, sometimes it is possible for all the kids to heal together and sometimes it's not. Getting them all into counseling and getting the counselors opinion can help. Honestly though it sounds like you have already made the decision. The way you worded the first post it sounded like you had not made a decision yet and wanted advice on what was possible. However, I now think that maybe you just wanted support and sympathy for a decision that has already been made. I do want to offer my sympathy, I know this was a very difficult thing to deal with. I am so sorry you had to deal with this agonizing decision. I pray all of the children will be able to heal.

My experience is not from a placement in my home. However, I was abused by a parent and I can tell you that the statistics are beyond belief. Children who are abused will abuse unless the get help or have a reality check that sets them straight. You are aware that the boy needs help but you need to get help for the girls as well and they need at some point to confront him about the abuse. Not at the age of 4 but at some point. If you are fearful that you cannot keep an eye on the situtation 24/7 then talk to the CW and push for a seprate placement for the boy. If you can handle it, all three kids would benifit from professional help. I am not saying you should keep all three if you don't feel you can trust the boy, but consider that he might be looking for help by coming to you. If he has been in your home where he can see how things are suposed to be he could be coming to the realization that what he is doing is wrong. He could be pleading for your help. He could also be seeking attention and figures this will peek your interest. Never underestimate a child who has survived an adult world. I have heard tales of young foster children mannipulating FP like pros.

Wow, this is a tough situation and one of my biggest fears. I feel bad for all of the kids. I am hurt that the 6 year old was honest with you and his reward was to be removed from his family. I know you have to do what is best for all of you and as a parent only you can make that decision. My husband and I talked about this exact senerio and what we would do and we decided that we would not take a child that was knowinly acting out. However, if this is something that was discovered after the fact (like in your case) we would deal with it the same way we would deal with the situation if our bio child was the one acting out. So I guess my question is, what would you do if this was your bio child? IMO ( and really it is just an opinion) I don't like seperating siblings if you can keep them together. However, I think you should keep the family safe. So if for some reason some one is not safe, the threating child may have to go somewhere for help even if it means long term residential treatment, but like my bio child,this will always be home. Of course it is easy to say when its not your situation right?

I was not the start of this thread but I have to say this. I would put in alarms on bedroom doors maybe use the infant monitors that have cameras or nanny cams in bedrooms. I would talk to a therapist and ask how to handle the situation. I would hope that at 6 with help these behaviors can change. Kids are pretty maliable. I would explain to the abused that we would protect her and that the abuser it breaking a rule that it is always ok to tattle about. I feel for the boy as well as the girls in this case but I hope that by getting help these things can be un-taught. I would do these things with a bio child or an adopted one. Of course it is easy to say this because I am not actually in the situatiion. Matched July 16th with twin boys age 5 Yeah!!!!

Hello, I am an adoptive parent of four siblings where sexual abuse occurred. One of the girls abused her sister. I am qualified to speak on the subject also as a social worker. What is needed for kids like this is structure and supervision. Our home has video monitors in their rooms. The kids day is very structured and routines are set. They know what to expect and what we expect. We have family time each evening and play games and read together as a family. The girls who were involved in the abuse sleep in separate rooms and we do keep the monitors on at night. Splitting them in my opinion is not the correct thing for the kids. The little boy will not likely do well in therapy at first now due to the trust issue. He told someone because he needed help and he was taken away. Foster children are especially volnerable to multiple placements and with each one they learn more not to trust. You can have him out of the home in a therapeutic home with frequent visits then return him with his siblings. He is only 6 years old and he I can promise you doesn't understand the complexities of abuse or why he sexually acted out. He needs someone to nurture him through this so he learns what is good and what is not acceptable. If one of mine acted out again in my home I would take steps to keep the victim safe but I would also work with the acting child to assure that they don't feel like they are being punished and they are all MY children and I could never give up on any one of them...ever.

It is nice to hear that someone else thinks that this is not the end of the story. I feel for the parents because they may have been blindsided by this; however, they have led this child to believe telling was the right thing and then pulled the rug out. The scars on the abused will be there with or with out the abuser being in the picture. A victim tends to stay that way unless they learn to feel empowered to stand up for themself. I am not blaming the victim but I realize there are much worse preditors out there than a 6 yearold boy. I do feel like we are arguing the same side and that perhaps the originator of the thread is no longer reading.

LucyJoy: I never thought I'd ever have to type something like this online, but your comment made me feel compelled to do so. I am a survivor of child molestation (as is my older sister). This happened in our home, by a "trusted family-member". It was horrific and traumatizing for both me and my sister and like the child mentioned in the original post, I experienced mental and physical trauma as a result of the abuse. The difference in my case is that I also spent most of my childhood years in foster care and in an orphanage. However, the sexual abuse began in foster care and continued under the care of our own parents. Contrary to what you stated, children are not just "able to work through it". As the original poster stated, few people are concerned with the effect sexual abuse has on the child victim. Most people are concerned with the child perpetrator. It's difficult to contain my disgust, in regard to that. As for my sister and me, we both long resented our parents because they allowed this person to remain in our home upon discovering the abuse. It is horrifying to wake up everyday to the face of someone who has violated you sexually... This is what my sister and I had to endure up until our adulthood.As we became adults, we refused to speak to our parents again. We felt that they violated us a second time by allowing this person to remain in the home with us. Each time we had to face that person, it was another violation...another victimization. We never felt comfortable or safe in our own home. Counseling for the perpetrator means nothing to a child victim (I'd imagine the same holds true for adult victims of sexual abuse as well). Children want stability, care, understanding, and trust...just like anyone else. When you allow a predator (regardless of their young age) to remain in the home with them, you strip those children of that trust, care, stability, and understanding they so desperately need. And more often than not, they will grow to resent you as a parent...because the idea is: "you failed them as a parent. You refused to shield them from harm and put your own feelings (your emotional bond with the predator) above the feelings and emotional needs of the child victim." This was definitely the case for me, my sister, and others in our support group. It took 19 years for my sister and I to be able to interact with our parents...nearly two decades have passed since we reached adulthood and refused to speak to them ever again. Two decades, lost. We separately chose to refuse to speak to our parents; however, when we decided to begin speaking to them again, it was a decision we made together. Even now, it is with caution and our relationship is not without bumps in the road. If my parents could have known that their...poor decision-making would have affected my sister and me as it did, I can imagine they would've done things differently. This is what my father says.But it's too late, now. However, to the OP, please consider what I've written, from my own experience, and continue to protect those girls. Don't make the same mistakes my parents made. They gained a sexual predator (whether he's truly reformed or not) and lost their daughters.

TwylaAnge, I too was a child of abuse , however; it was by my father and I guess I never considered how it I would have turned out if he wasn't there. I do feel that my mother chose him over my sister and I but as an adult I can understand her motivation. You have made good points I woud have never condsidered. Thanks for the eye opener.

I hope your keeping a close eye on the girls too,Because girls also act too,I would defiantly get alarms for their rooms.They can use tools to act out too,I've seen that done when I was a kid.With experience I would have kept the boy or got rid of all of them.Really they need extra supervision even with friend,They may experiment with all kids,Until they they understand its wrong.

i haven't read all the pages, but i would just offer that there is fantastic help available for kids dealing with this (both the one acting out and those victimized). i have worked as a sex offender treatment provider for almost 7 years, and my agency serves kids down to age 3 who have either somehow acted out sexually or have been victimized (or both). i won't weigh in on the whole should you or shouldn't you have had the boy removed from the home, as i think there are valid arguments on both sides, and your unique situation with those unique kids are going to dictate what is best (and i would argue their say in that supercedes a parents' personal fear; though young kids can't always make the best choices for themselves). we have often recommended removal from the home of the abuser (a child or an adult) and i am telling you, whether the victim is safer or not with that person gone, that child IS affected by that removal. in a perfect world where the abuser is capable of learning better behavior (and certainly a 6 year old modeling the behavior of an older person in their lives is capable of doing so!), i believe family reunification is an essential part of the process (most importantly emotional reunification even if physcial reunification isn't possible or safe; and ALWAYS at the request/initiation of the victim)... both for the girls' sake and the boy's. i believe all can heal in this situation, but you have to be willing to seek resources for that to happen and not hide from it or just shelter the girls (not sure that you are doing that or not, just speaking my opinion in general). your girls do and will in the future have an opinion about reunifying with their brother. their opinion may not be what you would expect or what you would choose for them. i hope you and your family can prepare yourselves for whatever that opinion might be. i also believe that the victims are the ones who should get the power of say-so (granted these girls are young now, but they still now as well as in the future should get a say). if they want reunification, that should happen in a therapeutic environment after much work done on all ends. if they don't, that should be respected. they should also know that it is an option for them to change their minds in the future, and that you will be there to support them at that time.

I'm surprised I didn't read this thread long ago........but suffice to say this type of scenario happened in our home after adoption was final. The perpetrator was removed and adoption dissolved, but not until a long battle with the state and testing to confirm there was no remorse and a high probability this would occur again. We put everyone into counseling; including ourselves...but certainly not with the perp. I cannot stress enough how many adults came out of the woodwork...people we've known for years---- who admitted to being sexually abused as children...and they THANKED US for making the perp leave the home. They were now adults and felt that their parents/relatives chose the perp over them....(as one of the previous posters wrote). How sad that this society gives so much credit to a perp with little credit to a victim...particularly such small victims as the OP has written about. It matters not (IMO) whether the perp finds rehabilitation of his/her behaviors when the abuse includes assault and threats of violence to the victims. By keeping an older perp in the home, the family is forcing the victims to be involved with some 'experiment' of sorts---HOPING that the perp will rehabilitate. What a horrible burden to put on a young child. IMO, the thinking should be much like that of Mr Spock: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. These aren't pleasant decisions. It's sad for all involved; but certainly the safety of the family members MUST be first and foremost. In so many cases, the welfare of family members is something perps couldn't care less about. Sincerely, Linny

I have been sexually molested. I know what its like to have to see someone whos done that to you, i couldnt imagine seeing them every day. As wrong as it seems it was what was truly best for the girl. Think about it from the girls point of view.