What to say when you discover someone is a birthmother

well I am bawling again after reading what Hunny and Christmas wrote. Tears falling onto my keyboard on which I am typing with blurred vision. So many triggers still set me off and I just want to jump down my computer and hug you both. As I said earlier I am 11years into "successful" reunion! Hunny I was 22 when I had my firstborn...and pregnant in 78-79 so I really bonded with your post!!!! I think what stands out to me after reading your post is how much blame we attatch to ourselves. I did say to my daughter once..." Mums dont give babies away...society gives mums away." I truly believe this.It has also helped me forgive my parents for their total lack of support...they were adhering to societal rules. The reasoning behind these rules is what really grinds me but I guess that is another day and another post. Back to the origonal post...I can think of something not to say to a birthmum..." Oh well, you have had three more children" like that makes it all better!:hissy: susie

I just wish that people would treat me like a person that made a hard choice rather than a sinner or a saint, I am neither. I did what I had to do. The worst thing I have heard had to be the "you should have had an abortion because your ruined your son's life" comment. Seconded closely be the all too common "well isn't it nice that they ALLOW you to see him". Well isn't it nice that they have my child is what I always want to say back.

It would be nice to hear good things about me and adoption that are heart felt rather than the usual "You were brave" or some other simular comment. It would also have been nice not to hear people telling me that I shouldn't have been looking for my daughter because "it would upset the aparents". After meeting my daughter because she was so screwed up due to her aparents abuse of her, people would tell me that I shouldn't have anything to do with her. "Give up on her. After all you did give her up for adoption and you aren't her mother anymore". Adoptive parents were the worst with this. There were several adoptive parents in my church who shunned me because I was a bmom wanting a relationship with my daughter if/when I found her. I was never secret about my feelings about finding her. One aparent couple actually went out of their way trying to discourage me from seeing my daughter anymore after we did find each other. It was horrible. Rylee

Belle, that comment about "isn't it nice that they let you see your bchild" annoys me as well. Grrrrrr.

One of my many hats is working as a wedding photographer. One of the mother of the brides home I went into prior to the wedding had a huge photo of the 4 children of the family on the wall. I rmarked unwittingly how different all the siblings looked from each other. " Oh they were all adopted" said the mother. Feeling an immediate bond with the family I said ( once again inwittingly) " Oh wow. I am a birthmum and have known my daughter now for x amount of years".Well you could have heard a pin drop. The mum then said how uninterested HER children were in finding their birthmums and then they basically snubbed me for the rest of the day. It was horrible actually. Of course feeling like that kinda put me off my creativity and the photos were quite boring. I drive past that house often and look in and think "Grrrrrrrrrrrr!" susie

The things I LIKE to hear are 'Oh wow how great that you've found him!' and 'What's he like?' Things like that...

Susie, Thank you...and I'd send you a box of tissues, but I'm all out. It's been quite a week introducing my son to my family of origin, including his grandparents... I know what you mean, and it's part of the reason this has been such a stressful, but poignant Christmas. I can't say my parents didn't offer any support, but the kind they gave was toward the adoption. Growing up it was drummed into me that if a girl/woman is pregnant and not married, adoption is best for the baby. When I got pregnant, of course I wanted what was best for my baby, and couldn't seem to get that old voice out of my head that this is what my parents would want me to do. (They also did a good job of hiding me from my grandparents while I was pregnant so it was pretty clear where they stood...) So they helped, but all of it was for placement, right up to and including being the ones who transferred my son to my attorney and then to the aparents' attorney who then gave him to his aparents (private, but closed adoption.) When I called my mother in November 2006 and told her that I had been contacted by a third party and that my son was looking for me, my mother said, "The day we handed him over I said to your father, 'I hope I live long enough to see him again one day.' " And she started to cry. I know that even with the shame and disappointment they felt for me, it pained my parents terribly to lose their grandchild. So this Christmas it was very special to be able to give my son back to my parents. I'm happy to report that all went very well. My mother even gave him an afghan she'd crocheted for him when she learned she'd be seeing him for Christmas this year. This was very special because she'd made one for each grandchild as they were born (there are 27 grandchildren altogether now) so it was her way of telling him that he belonged as much as the other 26. Yes, it was very special, and I agree with you (and with Don Henley...) forgiveness is the heart of the matter... Hugs, Susanne

What are they (child) like?How often or do you see them?How close do they live?Do you have a picture I can see?

Being from a small town and preg at 15/16 everyone knew. I talked about it alot at first, but then realized that people were either ignorant or uncomfortable about it. So when my open adoption closed and I no longer got pics I stopped talking about it. (1.5 yrs) I once opened myself up and told a pregnant teen to help her and was told " Its not a puppy I am not just going to give it away in front of safeway" These days as I plan for my second child (13.5 yrs latter) it comes up more and more. At my last US the tech asked what my son wanted a boy or girl...I simply said that I gave him up for adoption so its not really an issue. She just said "Oh". I guess what I would like to hear if I do say I am a birthmother is..."How old is your baby or where does he live" I think those are normal questions. I love to share the now bits and pieces that I know. Never ashamed of being a bmom, but always protecting whats left of my heart. I think "Why did you place" is way too personal unless its a person close to your heart. Loveccl

As an adoptee, I have never thought about how to respond to someone stating that they were a bmom, but you all had some very good points. I don't want to have to believe the insensitive things that were said to you, but I know it's true because unfortunately it's the type of world we live in. As an adoptee, my response would be totally different then the "general" population. But to be honest, I have only met one bmom in my "everyday" life, and she was a nurse of my dads. It came up because we were at the nurse's station talking about my dad. (my dad is in a nursing home from complications of his diabetis) I guess I instantly felt this bond with her, and my response to her was, "do you know your son??!!" Which led to a very close conversation between us. I think we even hugged after our conversation. Has reactions you recieved from adoptees differed from the "general" population!?

Hi Brockbaby! Yes, my experience with the general population is one of either pity/sympathy or I'm a pariah. I didn't know that my husband's cousin was adopted, and I assumed his extended family was unaware that we had placed our bson for adoption but as soon as I met him there was something "there". Within weeks he told me he was adopted (due to my husband's family I maintained my vow of silence) and that he was searching for his bmom. I provide moral support and helped with some of the administrative stuff - he even he lived with us for 6 months while looking for a new job. He finally did meet her but as soon as the first contact was made I bowed out. A little tough for me and he didn't need me involved anymore. I haven't asked about how things are going as I feel he will tell me if and when he wants to do so. He got married shortly thereafter and now has 2 beautiful daughters.. Unfortunately, due to work, he's moved quite far away so it's difficult to see him that much but I'm so grateful for our friendship.

My son was in a closed adoption and I just could NOT bring myself to talk about it except with those I swore to secrecy. So, when he found me and I decided to let everyone know 4 months after our first F2F of which I carry purse photos and you know, I was waiting for awful comments and after nearly 200 people I told (post office, bank, after friends, congregation etc etc) I was just delighted that people said (generally) "awww thats WONDERFUL". All but two reactions were unique and upbuilding and they would ask me questions such as: who searched for whom or how did he find you, how old is he, is he married, have kids, what does he do for a living, they seemed genuine. Everyone seemed genuinely delighted for me and if I had a photo, it was like wow, e.g. the woman in the middle of Tesco's was like YEH, LETS HAVE A LOOK - wow isn't he LIKE YOU!!!!! and so on and so on. I had one reply from an old lady who said "you didn't tell me you were married!" so when I said I wasn't, she was so confused, I had to spell it out .. ILL E GIT IMATE'. Oh, oh she said (bless) I didn't think you were like that...!!!! She did phone later and heartily apologise and I accepted her apology as I know she's a bit dippy, but at the time it hurt and I walked out of the cafe!!! I had only one 'bad' reply from a complete jerk and (____blank) but by the time I had 200 great replies, he really wasn't too hard to handle in that I stood up to him instead of retreating in shame. I just told him to watch it or shut it, because he was treading on an area I was VERY sensitive about. He didn't stop, so I told him to shut it and his wife did too. From what I can gather, everyone else knows he's a jerk for more reasons than one, but funnily enough, I cringe everytime I see him (which isn't often, thank goodness). However, I got to stop counting after say 150 great replies, and I'm guessing that its over 200 now, but then, when you get that kind of response (this is in the UK), it was a great boost. So I was pleasantly surprised. The trouble was, once everyone knows, you dread it when the reunion is not going that well!!! So its something to consider!!! I plan my responses now when its going well and when its not. Like anything really.

hit them.....sorry, that just slipped out, ......if they were strangers, I'd just look at them as if they fell from the moon, compliment them on their stellar manners and then walk away. someone I knew !!??? I would probably stare at them first, in deep shock at the incredible cruelty of such a remark....them I would cut off any and all communication with them forever, people that mean and stupid do not belong in your (or anyone's life) Lose them for good, they are a hissing and a byword.....

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]hunny0404, I don't know if you still come here but I stumbled upon this post and am so happy and thankful that you put into words exactly what I've been going through in my recent reunion but have been unable to articulate myself. It's perfect. Thanks. [/FONT]

Mom7123, Thank you for your feedback. I don't frequent the forums much anymore for lots of reasons, but I still get notified when someone has posted in one of the threads in which I participated....I'm glad to hear that my experience has resonated and been helpful. My reunion has been an ongoing process for the past 3+ years and so some of the earliest stuff--how shall I say it?--has a little less power over me, and there has been a lot of healing. But I cannot say that it is "healed" and I cannot say that everything is "ok." My son came to live with us a little over 2 years ago, and it has been an excruciating process. His adoption was a disaster and I have had to live with the repercussions of my choice, seeing every day the damage that was done to my son...It's still hard, but I'm moving forward. I want to tell you that it doesn't stay as raw as it is in those early days. You develop coping mechanisms that are hopefully healthier than the ones you had to use to cope with the relinquishment.Be very, very kind and gentle with yourself now. Be very, very mindful that what is happening to you is a grief process. You have sustained a phenomenal loss, and there was no acceptable paradigm for processing it at the time that loss began. There is so much more I could say. So much I've learned about myself and the reunion dynamic--not just from my experience, but from the experiences and sharing of others, of course!--and I would be happy to hear from you, listen to you, share anything about anything. If you read my other posts, you'll learn something more about my story, at least up until about 2 years ago, and that may give you an inkling about whether an ongoing conversation is desired and helpful. In the midst of whatever is happening with my son, and some of it has been grueling beyond belief, I remind myself that the foundation for our reunion is love, and the response to it must be joyful gratitude. I spent 27+ years without my son, never having touched him and not even knowing his name. But he is here, in my life, now. And that is worth everything, absolutely everything it has cost me...Please feel free to private message me if you'd like to chat further. I welcome hearing your story and I'm sure I can learn from it. Best wishes and big hugs to you as you begin this amazing journey!Susanne