Why is it

I'm scared to death that I'll do the wrong thing and they will cut me off. They did my ex... so why not me right? I hate that it is so hard... I wish I could be whatever it is I should be... but what is that?

I am not in an open adoption, but have recently reunited. I think alot of it is the fear that we will, be cut off. But many of us from the closed adoptions were told that we did not "deserve" to know about our children. It was selfless prior to the adoption, but society made you feel that you just gave your child away without any thoughts or feelings at all. I understand the whole, I am afraid to ask for fear it will upset someone, but for some if you don't ask--Where will it get you? Will it make the situation any worse? Often times our fears are much worse than the reality. The aparents probably have many of the same fears.

and it has been in the back of my mind ever since :hypno:

For me, as an amom, I WISH my boys' firstmoms would ask for things if they want them. For my youngest son's firstmom, I'd ask every once in a while if she was happy with how things are going and if there's anything she felt she'd like to change, and mostly we hear "no, things are just fine". Then I'll hear from her mom that she would actually like this or that, and it frustrates me that I try to be open and she is too shy or scared to ask... ...so I take her out to lunch and corner her - lol...I told her that until she can feel comfortable enough talking to me about things, the OA would always be "fine" but not great...and that if there were things we couldn't do because of time constraints or whatever, we'd discuss it with her, and she should do the same with us. Well, it's really made our relationship soo much better! She's more comfortable asking, and we are more comfortable in general, because it is more "honest", you know? And it DOES feel more like a relationship - and not so much like us "allowing" her things - more like we are all equals as opposed to her feeling we have all the "power" (this I got from her mom). Anyway, it took 4 years for us to get to this point, and I know that all situations are different...but try to talk to your children's moms about your feelings - they may surprise you!

I am still scared, even though I know those fears are unfounded, after 8 years.

I've always been scared of being too demanding. My DD's mom does not share very much, and I have no clear boundaries other than "write" and "I can't contact DD myself". Everything else is in a perpetual grey area, despite me trying to try and get boundaries defined. So I never know what is going to get a reaction, what is OK, not OK, etc. It's beyond frustrating. I recently got on the "I should just ask, what is the worst that could happen" kick, and I asked for a few things. I asked to send a card to DD for her birthday through her, and that opened a WHOLE load of issues that to this day are unresolved. And a request for a follow up on how that went when she did give it to her were ignored. I also asked for a phone call, even went as far as arranging a (loose) time for it, in order to facitlitate a discussion about those issues ( which was her idea) and the call never happened. So in my case, it's no wonder I don't ask. However, right now I am struggling with whether I should continue to ask for the things that were not addressed, so I guess I haven't learned my lesson ;) If someone told me I COULD ask, then I would. I would be pretty hesitant, but I'd somehow get it out.

Yes, I suppose this makes all the difference in the world...

It's been 23 years and I still have this mild apprehension every time we discuss getting together.

I about threw up when I just recently asked to discuss something.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I do have a question I'd like to ask... For those of you who "dread" (for lack of a better word) asking things, do you think its because of the way you are treated by your childrens amoms, or is it a natural response that comes from the situation (which I TOTALLY understand). The reason why I ask is because I really do want to try to have a strong, comfortable relationship with my boys' other moms and I want to make sure I'm not contributing to their nervousness... Like I said, we're finally at a place where we can communicate, and for us, that was half the battle...but like you've all said, I'm sure that doesn't mean that asking is easy (I know it's not always easy for me).

When I think of my situation (prebirth) I tend to look at my personality and the PAmom's. I am a follower, shes more of leader. I think that's why I never voiced my thoughts. I took her lead and just agreed. I wonder if a firstmom feels "powerless" after placement? I felt that way after my son's birth at the hospital. I felt I lost ALL power to him. Like my rights to him were gone even though I hdn't signed TPR - I did tell the PAPs they had a son. My big thing was the fear of rejection. I had this sense of keeping the PAPs happy WAY BEFORE keeping myself happy. Though I'm not in an OA and decided to parent, I can see where firstmoms come from. I can see where Amoms come from too. It's got to be hard to open up to each other for fear of "messing things up". A good relationship will take work. Respect I think is key to all players. Don't know if I answered your question very well. I'm sure others will do better. This was just my thoughts.

I think DD's birth mom and I are both nervous when we call each other, etc. I think it's a relationship that is really so hard to describe, explain, etc. I am a very assertive person (some may say brash!!). But when it comes to DD's birth mom, I am always apprehensive, etc. I know she is nervous to "ask" for things. I sort of welcome it because as hard as it is to say no, I have in the past and I would rather have the conversation about our reasons, etc. Although I think we have a very good relationship, I am SURE she would love to say certain things to me that she never will (and vice versa). I am hoping with time, it's a little easier....

[FONT="Century Gothic"]For me personally, I have been dreading it all since day 1. Since the first time we met. I really had no imput at all into the agreement, it was all them and I just followed. I didn't speak up, I didn't ask for anything and when I finally did ask for anything when we had a meeting last year (?) and after I told her that it felt like we were sliding into a semi-open arrangement: I was told "We are too busy and we don't want to confuse her." I was told it would be up to me to call and set up the visits. After that it took me almost 6 months to ask for a visit. And so since I couldn't do it I had to wait 1 year, 4 months and 22 days to see Supergirl (not like I was counting)[/FONT]

You know, I'm pretty assertive, I have to be in my work. When it comes to my kid's mom though... man I am crap at discussing anything with her. Honestly, they cut me out just like that. Like I said, they did my ex, and he isn't violent, or anything else, just has some difficult issues, that they refuse to try and understand or learn about. I guess I also hear all kinds of callous remarks about myself and my ex and I think well if she can talk like that about me to my face, what will stop her from just saying no?

In the beginning, Cupcake's Mom kept postponing things that were her idea (a visit) so there was a precedent set of expectations not being met. Just being totally honest. Today, not even two years later, I feel our relationship is better and the circumstances that were around in the beginning aren't an issue anymore. When I worked up the nerve to ask for a visit earlier this year, I received one without any trouble at all. One might think that would make me more positive and confident in future requests. Nope. I still have the historical context of failure. It might not be fair that I still live with that in the back of my mind, but I do. And it dictates a lot of my actions today. Also, it's hard not to get disheartened by others' stories, especially when we're so close to them. I've followed Leigh's battle with getting her visit for about that entire year, four months, and 22 days....because we were ALL counting. Again, it might not be fair to have the experiences of others translate to our own fears, but I think we see that across the board in adoption. Emoms might do nothing at all to indicate a match failing, but it's still a fear amoms have. It's no different really. I think communication is key - letting your boys firstmoms know that they can have that open communication is a step, for sure.