Kicked to the curb -- Now what?

Oh Birdeez~ (((hugs))) I know you must be so wounded and are trying so hard not to be "jealous" (because that would be uncouth!! LOL).....but I know I would be. Has mom said this move is permanent? Because I think it could end up being a temporary move. Until they feel truly reunited --and then mom can take a step back and see that she feels ok with leaving and coming back "home". Or perhaps reuniting this much will turn out to be more than one of them or both of them can handle at this point. I think it is the not knowing that has driven your mom to this decision. She has lived her life thinking "What if.....?" and doesn't want to add "What if I had moved and had a closer relationship with her?" to the list. I think the move is a little selfish on her part, but if she is a good mom and this is the first truly selfish thing she has done for herself then you are lucky to have one awesome mom. We all have to be selfish sometimes. And as a mom, being selfish tends to bring loads of guilt. So if she is STILL doing it than she must have really needed it. I just hope that she sees that your sister has two more parents and that she was your only set and comes back soon. Perhaps when sister has mom "all to herself" for awhile she will be in a place that allows her to be more including and accepting of you. None of what she is feeling is really about you....it just feels so personally rejecting though. Your post was so open and honest....did you tell your mom how you felt before the move or during the move and drive? How did she react? Or did you do that dutiful daughter routine and fake you happy way through it? LOL. Just know you can come on here and vent anytime. Kim P.S. Let's say the silver lining for now is that mom is less than a days drive away which allows for more visits.....5 hours is much better than 5 states away.

I am so sorry for your pain and your loss, because it is a huge loss. I am an adoptee and can't imagine!! I love my bmom with all my heart, and she is a mom to me, but my amom was mom! She is who raised me, took care of mr, was there for the good, bad and really ugly!!! And while I am one of her children, her daughters that she raised must come first. This is all so complex, making things fit together without others being hurt, but I really feel for you and am sorry that others have been so selfish. It isn't like you are asking your mom NOT to have reunion. I wish I could make it better. Just please know you are in a lot of our hearts and thoughts. Carolyn

Sending a big hug out to you. Being taken for granted just stinks, and always having to be the one who stands back, be understanding and considerate of everyone else's feelingswhile you get shoved under the rug because of the insecurities of others , also stinks. However, I think Kim is on to something. This too will pass in time, but I understand that it still stinks. Maybe this is just something your mom needs to do to help herself heal. Your Bsis doesn't want to get to know you because she is jealous? This whole adoption/reunion thing just never stops blowing my mind. As an adoptee, I understand whatever issues she might be having. I would be lying if I said I had never been jealous of my bsibs for the exact same reasons your bsis feels the way she does, but to actually shut another person out with no consideration for their feelings? Well, it just makes me angry that people can be so cold. You hang in there, and as hard as it is right now, I think the way you are handling this situation is commendable and says a lot about the kind of loving and caring person you are.

I do not understand the adopted sisters jealousy, I will have to think on that but it seems foreign to me. I would never want to replace my parents, they raised me, even though I feel connected to my birth family. She needs to realize you cannot undue the past but you can make the future brighter but you must consider all the consequences and obviously she has not got their yet. I can understand your mother's need to be with her child she could not mother. Her choices may be over the top to everyone else but for her it is necessary at this time. Hopefully, this will smooth out as emotions become less intense on your mom's side. The hard part is how you can get through it...things do happen for a reason and sometimes we just have to trust things will work out. I know that sounds trite but I have gone through other life changing events that aren't fair and if you cannot change it you need to make it work. I wish the best for all. Kind regards,Dickons

Many thanks for the kind words from all. It is a total emotional roller coaster. I was really ANGRY and hurt when she first told me she was moving, then I got okay with it (for a time). Now that it has actually happened, I vary between angry and hurt and philosophical. I do hope she gets what she needs out of this but..... I'd be totally lying if I didn't say RIGHT NOW, I don't think that our relationship is going to recover from this, at least not totally. I'll always be there for her, as much as I can be, when she wants me. But on a totally selfish side, I can't let this totally consume my life and my child's life. I've tried to be as supportive of her as I can be and, frankly, I'm tired of being the one that gets dismissed. So, if I'm totally honest, my actions and words these last few weeks haven't been as supportive as she would have liked me to be. I KNOW that I could have done more to help her with this, but I really didn't want to. They have been "reunited" for almost 16 years, although there have been times when they have lost contact ("pull back"/"drop out" whatever the term is...), only to "reunite" again when the mood hits. They've been 'reunited' this time for about 2 years. If I was a psychoanalyst, I might say that my mother's moving there is an attempt to stave off her placed daughter pulling back/dropping out again. It is really hard on her when suddenly there is no contact (again). Is this move permanent? Only time will tell. My mom is getting older and has had health problems the last few years, which brings out new fears: what if something happens to her? What if she gets sick? I can only hope that placed sis will let me know. But there's no real assurance that she will. And even if she does, there's only so much I can do, due to distance. So, I guess I will go forward. I have a great husband and a child who still needs me (sometimes :love: ). And I guess that old cliche still applies : Happiness is not about getting what you want, it's about appreciating what you have.

It's too bad your placed sister cannot understand that she can have a relationship with your mom that doesn't exclude YOU! And that your mom cannot understand how much this is hurting you. I cannot imagine to just up and move 5 hours away. It seems not very well thought through. At some point, she will have to wake up and realize she has family back home that she is totally neglecting. So you are just supposed to be on the "outs" now while she tries to build a relationship with your sister? And for how long??? If your mom thinks that her moving there will guarantee no pullback, I think she may be in for a rude awakening. But there is really nothing you can do at this point except ride it out and see what happens. I'd be upset, though, if things don't work and then having my mom coming back crying to me about it. That puts you in a bad position. So sorry you are going through this.

Birdeez, I don't think your feelings make you selfish. I think they make you human. After 16 years of the back and forth, goodness, I think your Bsis has put you, and your mom, through the ringer on more than one occasion. Being understanding, empathetic, and all that is great, but after 16 years with nothing changing, I think there is a limit to any humans understanding. I will admit that I am probably bias myself, considering that after 20 years of being reunited with my own Bmom, she still keeps me secret from her friends, when asked about her children still only tells of my Bsis and Bbro, with no mention of me, and recently, at my bbro's wedding, when a supposed close friend mistook me for my bsis, my Bmom, blatently, in front of, and to the extreme shock of, our entire family, not only corrected her by introducing my Bsis as her daughter, but never even bothered to introduce me to her friend in any way. Then afterh my Bsis introduced me as her (bsis) "sister" )God bless her), my Bmom mumbled, to her friend, in a hushed voice, but just loud enough for my entire family to hear, "I'll explain later.", and walked off. There were several similar things that happened at, and before, the wedding, but I'm telling this hear becauseI think we owe our selves some empathey and understanding of our own. We can't control the actions of others, but I think there comes a time when we have to start protecting ourselves. That wedding was a turning point for me. Seeing how my bio family rallied around me at that wedding surprised me. I had always felt like I had to be the "bigger person" in this reunion, always trying to understand my Bmom's issues. The love and support my bio family showed me, made me realize that I had really done, in the past 20 years, all I could be expected to do to be understanding of my Bmom. It was her problem now, and as my Bsis says, "She just nneeds to deal with it and get over it." It all made me realize that I have a lot of people in my life who really love me, even if Bmom hcan't get past her issues. After 16 years of your mom's reunion with your Bsis, and your bsis shutting you out, like she has done, certainly gives you the right to feel how you feel. It's quite understandable that you would feel those things. I can't help but think to myself that after all these years, this all has become a bit rediculous on the part of my Bmom, your Bsis, and to an extent your mom, though I think she has gotten a bit of a raw deal from your bsis. What can we do but just get on with our lives. A line from Kelly Pickler's song, "I wonder", keeps popping up in my head. "Forgiveness is such a simple word, but so hard to do when you've been hurt." What a true statement. Dickons, the jealousy thing isn't necessarily about "replacing adoptive parents. Explaining it would be another thread entirely, and the reasons would vary as extensively as all other things in adoption.

Dickons, I don't think that she is truly trying to 'replace' her other parents. Since I don't really know her, all I can go by is the letters and e-mails that my mother has shown me. In all of this correspondence, she seems to be very close to her adoptive parents and adopted siblings. She expresses great love and admiration for them and said that she had a great life. But she says that 'something has always been missing' (which I've heard from other adoptees and which I can partially relate to, as I have never known my birth father). So she is trying to 'fill the void', I guess.

I just came upon this thread and one thought I have is that maybe your mom feels that you are strong at this time and you don't need her as much as your sister may. And that is a good thing because the ultimate goal of a mom is to have her children be self-sufficient. I do think it must hurt a lot that she chose to move away from you and maybe she is trying in some misguided way to make up for lost time with your sister. I'm thinking that the euphoria of reunion will ware off one of these days and she will miss the relationship she had with you. As for your sister not wanting a relationship with you - I wonder if she has all of the emotional upheaval she can handle at this time just reuniting. I know when I searched my focus was on meeting my bmom even though I knew that I had 8 siblings! It turned out that my bmom had passed away and my reunion is with my siblings. Somehow I know that even if I had met my bmom first I would have still wanted to get to know my brothers and sisters but the focus would have been initially on bmom. Best wishes to you. Snuffie

birdeez, ((((Hugs)))) You are an awesome daughter to your mom. She must feel that she's done right by you and now feels a need to try to do the same for placed half sib. I don't think after 16 years this is anything like honeymoon phase. Your inner child says "don't go", but your wise woman says "go if you must". Please know that many here understand your hurt and that people do share your feelings and understand. You are not alone.

So it has been 2 months since my mother went to live closer to her placed daughter. I went to visit this past weekend (2nd time since the move). All appears to be well with them. My mother seems happy; they appear to be getting along well. It does amaze me how much alike they are; they have many of the same mannerisms, they like the same TV shows, books, etc. They share a number of the same views on politics, religion, etc. I knew some of this from reading the letters that placed sis has written over the years, but it is interesting to actually see it in actionђ, so to speak. And I have mixed feelings about this. My mother and I have always had problems finding common ground. Were just very different people, different likes/views, etc. If these things are hereditary, then I definitely didnҒt get the genes from her, but since I dont know my bfather, I donҒt know if I get them from him or not. So, since they are so much alike, I do find myself feeling a bit like the third wheel in the relationship. Add to that the fact that I know my placed sis would be very happy if Id just go away, the visits arenҒt very pleasant for me. This last visit, I swore I would not argue with bsis, no matter what she said or did. But by the time I left, my stomach was in knots and I had a raging headache that I couldnt get rid of. So now IҒm pondering whether I should just quit visiting and limit contact to phone/emails with my mom or what I should do. I dont really want to say ғIm not visiting if sheҒs going to be there, which is really ironic since I spent 10+ years wishing to get to know her, but the visits are really hard on me. Why should I keep visiting? I like to see my mom. I do love her and want to keep the relationship. I know sheԒs happy to see me. And I also have the feeling that my placed sis would love for me to just drop out and give up. Why should I stop? The visits are hard on me, physically & emotionally. Its a long drive there and back. IҒm away from my immediate family (hubby & child) and I miss them. Gas prices are high and this makes the trip pretty expensive to do every month. And my placed sis had managed to make me pretty angry every time Ive seen her. Some of it is probably me over-reacting to the situation, but sometimes I think she just tries to bug me. Or maybe weҒre just way too different and, like oil and water, we wont mix. Venting҅

I can totally understand how you feel, given the very long commute and the fact that the visits are not pleasant for you. If you end up with your stomach in knots, that's just not good. I think once a month is too much given the gas prices, length of commute, time away from your family, etc. Even if the visits were pleasant, it would still be hard to do! I think you should not go every month, but if you do go, can your mom meet you half way?? Can she come out by you some of the time? Would it help if you were able to see your mom alone, without the placed daughter always being there? I would try to work out some sort of compromise, if you mom is willing to do this. I don't see why it always has to be the three of you. Can't you have some "mom time" for yourself, especially in light of the fact that your mom now sees her placed daughter regularly?? Honestly, I don't think that's too much to ask.

Birdeez, As an adoptee I DON"T understand the mindset of your placed sis and your mother. I have had a reunion with bmom and would have never dreamed of me moving to be nearer. her or her leaving her Son for me. I really don't get the jealousy thing either. I had a mom I was close to. I had a family that I lived my everyday life with and frankly as much as it was really good to know my bfamily...they were intianlly strangers to me as I was to them. Maybe it is because they( your sis and mother) are so alike, I see some similarities but nothing aweinspiring. Do you have any other siblings? I think its really sad that your mother and sister could not have come to some better arrangement to include you in the whole scenario. What is you fight over?

I'm so sorry things aren't working out better. I think perhaps you should reduce your visits or ask for some alone time with mom. It's not asking too much. That or ask mom to share in the trips and have her come to your house for the visits.It's really hard, I'm sure, on your children to have Grandma suddenly gone.Best wishes.

I'm really sorry! I also cannot understand as an adoptee why your mom and sister are doing what they are doing. I am not really in reunion with my bmom but if I was, I would never expect her to pack up and move across the state (she lives about 5 hours away) and I can't ever imagine not wanting to know my siblings and want them as part of the reunion. WEIRD! But I wouldn't stop seeing your mom because your sister makes you feel like a 3rd wheel. Don't let her manipulate the situation in her favor. She is your mother too and you have every right to see her whenever you want. Have you ever talked to your sister about wanting a stronger relationship with her? I'm wondering if she is intimadated by you as the raised daughter and it's easier to push you away than make an effort?