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I need to know if I am overreacting and being too panicky about some of the things that are happening in the early stages of our new open adoption. I am a first time mom (and amom, obviously) so all this is new to me and I'm not sure if I'm blowing things out of proportion.
My DH and I adopted our DD at birth and she is now three months old. We agreed to do monthly visits with for the first six months after placement, which we have been doing. The first two visits were great, but our DD's baptism and the last visit have brought up some issues.
When DD was born, all three of us -- me, my DH, and bmom (named J) -- agreed that our DD would have the first name E (which we chose) and the middle name L (which her bmom liked). We thought this was a nice way to honor both families. This is also the name J chose to place on her birth certificate. We also agreed that J would go by her first name unless she/we/E thought of something better down the road.
For E's baptism, her birthmom wrote her a nice little note in a card and signed it "Love, Mom." I was kind of hurt because she had previously told me that she did not feel comfortable having E call her "Mom" and I agreed that I would like to be called "Mom."
Our DD's bgrandma also attended and also wrote a nice little note, but mentioned in it that some members of the birthfamily do not call E by her first name, they call her by her middle name (the name her bmom would have given her had she chose to parent), L. This fact also came up on our last visit a few times and I responded by saying, "why would they call her L?" J said, "because that was the name I was going to give her... I tell them her name is E, but they don't listen to me."
The final thing that came up was my sister-in-law telling me that she heard that DD's bdad had been invited to the baptism. I told her that we had never met him, so we couldn't invite him, but she assured me that she had talked to J at the party who told her that she asked him to come, but he didn't want to. We have asked her not to contact bdad with specific information about us as we would like to maintain some privacy. We told her that if he was also interested in being open with us, he could contact the agency and we could all meet to discuss that option.
I am concerned because it feels like bmom is not respecting the fact that we are E's parents. She (or at least her family) wants to call her by the name she likes, and she wants to invite bdad to our events, and she wants to be called Mom.Ӕ I know it's early yet and I know this is extremely difficult for her, but I am starting to think that if she cannot respect these simple limits that we probably won't be able to have the kind of open relationship we all wanted.
DH and I think the best thing to do is to talk to her about our concerns at our next visit. We feel like it will be best to tell her how we feel and set some boundaries. But, I also don't want to hurt her feelings or be like, "we're Es parents, not you!" But I feel like if we don't say something now then the whole relationship is just going to sour over time.
Am I overreacting? Should we talk to her or just let it go and hope things get better?
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In adoption there is loss by so many more people than just the firstparents. Extended family doesn't have a say necessarily in the placement of a child either, and they too must grieve that which they have lost. My guess would be that they're not trying to hurt you or undermine your authority by calling your daughter L, but that they're having a hard time adjusting. It truly may not be your DD's firstmoms fault they are doing this, so I would encourage you to try to separate that issue so as not to blame her for it.
As for the other issues, I agree with the others that you need to communicate your concerns earlier rather than later, in a polite and tactful way if possible. When I was first in my OA with my daughter and her Mom there were so many unknowns. We're a year and a half in and I'm still always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. Having her Mom be upfront and honest about her concerns would be welcomed.
Also, because she signed something "Mom" doesn't mean she's going to challenge your role. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't. Again, this is definitely your right to discuss. Personally, it takes a while to adjust to the fact that for nine months you were "Mom" to this perfect little person growing inside you, and then in one day and one signing of a document you're not. Signing the card "Mom" may have just been a way of showing her continual love for your daughter.
I'm beginning to ramble and be repetetive! Sorry!!!
Again though, I can't say enough - talk to her about it. Best of luck! :flower:
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[FONT="Verdana"]I agree with what everyone has said here. Communication is important, and so is recognition that both first mom and her family are grieving the loss of their primary role in the child's life. She was the only Mom and they and the birthfather's relatives were the only relatives. Now they are secondary, and their participation in her life is dependent upon the kindness of people who are strangers to them (you and your DH). That is a very difficult place to be. They are struggling, and 3 months is a very short time to deal with those emotions.
As far as the Mom thing, I know this is a sensitive issue, but she may consider herself Mom too - but not in a primary way. I am Mom to my son, even though I fully recognize and honor the fact that he has another Mom who raised him and called the shots. Her being Mom didn't sever my relationship with him, and we had a closed adoption. Both my son and I felt this way, even though we were separated for almost 20 years. One of the first things he asked me when he found me was if he could call me Mom.
I'm having a harder time with her inviting the birthfather, although it is possible that the baptism came up in conversation rather than that she invited him. I can understand you wanting to build your own relationship with him from the ground up. For her, the birthfather was also the father without qualification for 9 months, so it may feel very weird for her to exclude him. If she is young, then she may not have the interpersonal skills to be able to tell the birthfather that he must deal with you, if he put her on the spot. Those type of interpersonal skills are something we get better at as we grow older.
Bottom line, I think you are doing a good job of handling the open adoption. I think it is great that you are asking for input on how to approach these things, rather than just shutting things down. I believe that with communication, things will improve as everyone grieves their loss and becomes adjusted to their loss and new position in your daughter's life.
Good luck to you all.[/FONT]
If this is bothering you then yes, have a talk with her but I have a few thoughts as 1) a bmom and 2) a bfamily member.
I would bet that the card was difficult for her to sign. I know if my family member (who is almost 5 months into a very happy and healthy OA) had to sign a card to her DS, it would give her pause. I don't believe she thinks she will be referred to as her first name but I don't think she expects to be "Mom" either. After reading your post, I'm going to suggest she bring that up with the parents sooner than later so that this situation doesn't happen to her. Maybe instead of correcting her (that she is not Mom) you could spend time on your next visit deciding together what your DD will call her someday and then start using that name consistently when she is around. For example... E, look who's here it's (insert name here)... Just a thought for a positive way to correct her...
As far as the family referring to the baby as L... The bmom probably doesn't have much control over that and if she is correcting them, that's all you can ask her to do. Again, this happened in our family quite by accident early on because we knew the baby as X prior to birth and now he is Y. This isn't her fault and I would probably let it go to be honest.
As far as the bdad situation I'm not sure what to say other than I personally take third party conversations with a grain of salt. Who knows what context she said this in or the actual intent when she said it to the bdad. She could have been encouraging him to forge a relationship with you and didn't mean "just show up" but rather reach out and see if it was OK to come... It's a possibility anyway. She shouldn't be inviting him to your events by any stretch but again, third party conversations are always sketchy... I might ask for more details from the bmom before I assumed anything.
Also, I think it will be hard going forward to dictate what she can and can not say to the bdad if she has contact. I'm not even sure if its even "right" to try. I understand you want to maintain some privacy but it's probably unrealistic to assume that she wont be giving him updates if they are still in touch.
So yes, I would have a conversation about this if it bothers you but I would encourage you to look at this as an opportunity to more clearly define each of your roles instead of seeing it as a challenge to your position as DD parent... Because ultimately, she can't challenge that and probably wasn't doing it on purpose.
I hope this makes sense. It sounds like you have a great foundation and I wish you all the best of luck...
The first year was extremely difficult for us. Many of the things you mention we experienced, as well. What I can tell you after doing this for 7 years next month is be patient. She is finding her way just as you are. Approach it that way, ask her what has made her feel what and tell her how you are feeling. I am sure she is struggling not only with her loss but watching you do what she couldn't or didn't feel she could. If she isn't open, tell her you have read that soem people feel like this or that. I have a wonderful very open adoption for one child, she spends the night with her Mother, talks to her on the phone almost daily, and invites her to ALL her activities. She is one of my dearest and most loyal friends. She is the first one I call to brag or moan about something this child has done. (Please don't tell my DH, LOL) We share all the good and bad, I can't imagine not sharing this child with her. This was not always the case. SHe threatened to break into my home and kidnap her, she has battled a Meth addiction and mental illness, and she has crossed some scary lines. All that was in the first year. I am sure I made my share of mistakes but no matter how hard she pushed me away, I stayed and waited for her to regain herself for our daughter's sake. I am so proud of her, she has regained custody of 2 of her children, stopped using drugs, started medication, and is actively employed for the first time in her life. Our other children are in a different situation and we have an open relationship only with their extended family. I found it much easier this time to set boundaries and firmly stick to them without hurting anyone's feellings. I think what changed in me was I wasn't desperate to please them. I wasn't scared to lose my children. I was respectful and thoughtful at all times. I was clear what I was willing to do and the lengths I was willing to go through for them to see their healthy family. I guided them through it. I warned them that there would be times they wouldn't like what I had to say and we would surely disagree many times but I would never break their trust or walk away unless they hurt my children by disclosing our location. I can deal with anything else by close supervision of visits and calls. I can't change who their family is, I can protect them from harm but I feel they deserve to know their family even if I don't like the way they live.
To be honest, I would be concerned by some of these things too and would talk to DD's birth mom about them. Some things as others have mentioned are beyond your control really....e.g., what her birth family calls DD, what her birth mom tells her birth dad, etc. But other things are within your "control" - - e.g., you have the right to say, "I would appreciate it if everyone calls my DD by her first name when we are together, etc." I wrote a post recently that said the hardest time I ever personally had in our OA was when DD was about three months old....I don't know why but it was like I was starting to embrace that I was entitled to be her mom and to make decisions and yet at the same time, I didn't want to "hurt" anyone. The reality is is that it really will be better for everyone (esp. DD) if you are able to be open and honest and if there are things that you want or expect to say so. Hang in there!!! These boards are a great support.
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Thank you everyone so much! It was great to hear from both a-moms and b-moms :) I now feel affirmed that talking to J will be the best thing. My DH and I were talking a lot about how our agency promoted OA very much (which is great), but that they don't really offer support for the birth and a-families after placement to learn how to work in the open adoption. I know our first reaction upon talking about some of these things was to think, "we don't even have to see them!" but that's not the route we wanted to go. We made a commitment to be open because we felt in was in our DD's best interest and I wouldn't want to cut that off or limit that relationship based on a few things which could be corrected by just talking.
I guess maybe the reason why these few things upset me is that I feel like we have discussed these issues and that she has kind of gone back on what she said. This isn't the first time that she's said one thing and then later told us something else. She is younger and I know that this whole thing is extremely difficult for her, but the one thing DH and I have tried to do is to never promise anything or tell her anything that misrepresented us. We have tried to be open and honest with her about our plans and future and I would never agree to something and then later back because I changed my mind. I guess sometimes I feel like she is not being completely honest with me.
I thought we had agreed on what J would be called. I thought we had agreed that we had a kind of closed relationship as far as the birthdad was concerned (though we would be willing to open up if he was interested) and that she shouldn't give out any of our identifying information to him until he was willing to contact us (though I don't mind if he sees pictures of DD or hears how she's doing). I also thought we had all agreed on a name and that she and her family were in support of this. I certainly don't want to (nor could I) control what they talk about in private, but in front of DD I'd like to present a pretty united front that we all care about and love her and want what's best for her which includes being unified about these and other things. I guess maybe I just feel a little confused by her and her family's actions now, though I guess they are probably feeling the same way about this whole thing in addition to feeling the loss of DD.
I hope by talking things out we can come to a better understanding and that we will reinforce that we want to talk through these issues and that J can also talk to us if she feels hurt by anything that we do.
Thanks again for your help everyone... I'm sure I will be on this board all the time asking for help and support!!!
Good luck, Elle!! I just wanted to echo what you said about post-adoption support from the agency for OA. Ours was frankly zero. And I know that IRL I don't know any other parent in an OA so sometimes I feel like we all are navigating on our own. You definitely will find great help here (I know I have!). The other thing I wanted to add is that we do not know DD's birth parents' families (the adoption was a "secret"). You can best bet that they (birth gma, etc.) have probably received ZERO information or counseling on OA. I think some of the "hardest" OA situations seem to not be about the relationship between the a parents and b parents but about the extended family. I'm not sure how to best "hammer" that out..... GOOD LUCK!!
We had some very similar issues early on. One being that my son's bmom often called herself "Mom" and at first it freaked me out. I wasn't sure what to do or how to handle it. Afterall, she was his firstmom and had given birth to him. One of the thing that happned to me was that over time my bond with my child became so strong that some of the things that bothered me early on just don't really matter any more. In the beginning, you are still playing a role to some extent , and getting to know your child. That's why the name "mom" is so important. But as I really became a mom and bonded with my son, the issue took on a different significance. At the same time, as time went on, my son's birthmom began to process the adoption and she began to use the term less frequently. We have come to a sort of place where I always reaffirm her role as the first mom. I say things like, "see that's S, your first mommy. She took care of you in her tummy before you were born and she loves you SO much!" And S in turn has confirmed my role.
I am not suggesting every adoption works like ours so I think it is a very good idea to talk about things early on. But also realize that some of the things that might be a really big deal might change with time. Conversely, some things that are no biggie now might become bigger later. It is a process, as others have said.
The name situation is one you should talk about. It might be difficult, but it is important to set the boudaries you have. If the problem persists with the extended family, keep in mind there are many familes where someone uses a different name than everyone else. Take it from me as a person who has been called by my middle name my whole life by many people but not all. It is important that they respect your decisions but if they slip up from time to time the real gauge for your child is your reaction to it.
I hope this is helpful...I am getting a bit rambling right now!
There are a lot of concerns in open adoptions:[url=http://www.helium.com/items/302205-considerations-in-choosing-open-adoption-staying-connected-to-birth-parents]Considerations in choosing open adoption (staying connected to birth parents) - by Lisa H. Warren - Helium[/url]I think a lot of thinking, planning, and communicating needs to be done upfront, at the very least.
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elledarcy
We feel like it will be best to tell her how we feel and set some boundaries. But, I also don't want to hurt her feelings or be like, "we're E’s parents, not you!" But I feel like if we don't say something now then the whole relationship is just going to sour over time.
I don't think you are blowing things out of proportion, they are red flags. They are not deal breakers however. These all seem to be things that can be worked out with communication. We had 2 kids raised in OA, our oldest is now 20. Everyone thought we were crazy for even attempting such a thing at the time. It is possible to do. But our biggest mistake with the first one, was NOT setting limits and boundaries in the beginning of the relationship.These things you listed are good examples of the kinds of things that need negotiating. I would not worry about bmom signing mom on that note. The baby is an infant, and when she does look back on that note, when she is a teenager, she will probably LOVE that her bmom signed it that way. The real issue to discuss, as time goes on, is what she will be called by the baby when she begins to talk. It all becomes sticky and awkward at times. Example; you are all at a restaurant , and the talkative waitress looks at your kid and his bmom and says,to the kid " YOU look just like your mum dont ya" [ probably assuming your the grandma after all ]It is awkward moments like this that need a high level of comfort in communication, so the poor kid doesn't feel the tension . Even though you may not want your kid to call his bmom, mommy, ---the truth is situations like that come up where it is what it is. Gotta deal. lolThe biggest issue is the bdad. Kind of like the elephant in the room. The earlier you meet and feel out that situation the better. We had a wild up and down relationship with our younger childs bdad. At one time he even threatened to sue for custody , so we have been through the wringer there. Feel free to pm me if you have more questions about dealing with that relationship.In summary, you are giving your child a great gift, to be able to know and grow up with his original family.But it is not always easy, so buckle up. It is worth the ride .
So much good advice has already been given, but I wanted to address the issue with the card. Signing the card "mom" is one thing, but wanting to be called "mom" is another. The bmom has done the former, but we don't know for sure if the latter is true at this point.
I remember when I first signed letters in my semi-open adoption. I didn't know HOW to sign my name, because even though I've always considered my son's amom as his mom, I wasn't sure what I was. To sign "Peachy" seemed strange because I carried and gave birth to this child and will always feel on some level I am his mom (note: not his parent, not his only mother or primary/main mother, but not not a mom, either, if that makes any sense!). I coudn't sign "mom" because that didn't feel right and I was afraid to offend his mom. I ended up signing my name, but it was extremely weird in the beginning. I think it would have felt even weirder in a fully open adoption.
Maybe your bmom is struggling with this. We birthmoms are moms and aren't moms at the same time. Maybe you and bmom could agree that your child won't call her "mom," and for signing letters and such, if you are not comfortable with her signing "mom" there is another name she can use that will acknowledge her position as birthmom without sounding so odd ("love, your birthmom" sounds kind of strange to me, but maybe it works for others).
Peachy I was thinking the same thing. Signing and the name IRL are different.
This all came up for us in our OA as well and the one thing that bothered me more than her signing things Mom or Mother was the term my daughter. WE did finally talk about this and we worked out that she would be able to sign as Mother X (not mom or mommy) and we all would use the term OUR daughter to include all in the triad but not exclude.
I also want to mention that it was easier for me to talk to BMom after finalization. We didn't have any visits or calls before finalization, just emails and so I let it go. After finalization I finally felt the necessary relief that we could set boundaries.
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These are things you need to discuss with her and maybe even the extended family now, don't wait hoping it will get better. These are things you've already discussed so they should have been clear boundaries to follow. I think you need to be firm in the boundaries you've already set and don't back down (unless there's something your willing to compromise on).
Right now your setting the foundation for the future of your relationship.
All of the situations you've listed (her signing her name as mom, birthfamily using a different name than agreed upon, birthmom inviting birthfather to visits, etc). Would all be major concerns for me as well.:hissy:
IMO the bottom line is they are not respecting you and your DH's decisions as the parents of this little girl and if you don't say anything and set some clear boundaries, I think your looking foreward to a very diffiuclt relationship with them in the future.
(I understand they are going through a rough time, 3 months is really a short amount of time to process everything. But it will be much easier to correct this now and build towards a better future than let things slide until it all goes down hill and then try and dig yourself out of that ditch later on.)
JustPeachy
Signing the card "mom" is one thing, but wanting to be called "mom" is another.