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I also posted this in the Older Child adoption forum but wanted to get single parents' view on this situation. My 12 year old adoptive daughter moved in with me June 8. We started off really well and then for whatever reason once we have settled into a routine we have had trouble bonding. Then this weekend while making her bed I found a letter she had written to a friend and she said that "she didn't feel right here" and that she "needed a dad" and that she cries every night. It crushed me. I asked her about it because it was too important not to and she started crying and I told her I just wanted her to be happy and that if she doesn't want to be here that's okay, she just needs to let me know. She wouldn't say anything. When I asked her if she wanted to stay here, she nodded her head. We've gone on with our weekend and she seems okay, but everytime I think about it I am sick inside. I don't want her to be here if she's not going to be happy but I can't get her to talk to me about anything on a deep level such as this. Is this something I need to tell the caseworker at DHS to see if she will tell them what's going on inside her head or do I just try to work through it? I was unprepared for how hard it is to bond with an older child...I feel like a horrible mother. I don't know what to do and I am just crushed. Have any of y'all dealt with your child wanting a father when it's just you?Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Hi Kriss...I am sorry you are going through this...I'm not a parent yet so I don't have any great advice but could it be that she is still adjusting to everything? She may have had a "picture" in her head of her family and it did include a dad and now that reality has happened, she is having a hard time adjusting to it..does that make sense? I probably wouldn't mention it to the CW just yet..you've already addressed the issue with your daughter so I would see how things go before getting them involved..if there is a change in her behavior, schoolwork, etc. then I'd be alarmed... I am interested in seeing what others have to say because I am planning on adopting an older child as well..
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krisrose, is she seeing a therapist? If not, find one. In my opinion, no child over the age of four should go through a transition without the help of a therpist, but especially a 12 year old. Under any circumstance I think the job of a 12 year old girl must be to break her mother's heart several times a day (my daughter turns 12 in three days and she is more than challenging right now), but a girl that has had a tough history will have even more than the normal hormonal chaos.
Kris, Sorry you are going through this..I have read your Blog and know how well things started. Just know that some things only come with time. We (hopefully I will be an adoptive mom ONE day) adoptive moms expect so much from ourselves. We would not expect to bond with any other person in less than a month. I agree that your daughter (and probably you too) could benefit from individual (and perhaps one day family) therapy. Hang in there.. P.S. My son is 3...he also is starting to be very aware of not having a dad. Guess my earlier comments did resonate because he frequently (for no particular reason) says "mommy, everyone doesn't have a dad". Breaks my heart....wish he did have one (and I'd like the RIGHT husband too!). :)
My daughter moved in with me a year ago and complained early on that there wasn't a dad in this family. Quite frankly, there's a reason for that. She had been manipulative and caused marriage tensions in 2 other placements. I didn't tell her that, but we talked about families she'd been in that had dad's and did they work out for her?
The issue would resurface once every few weeks. I think there were several reasons for this...there aren't many examples of single parent families in my group of friends, she generally had better relationships with the dads than moms (played the princess role) and missed that, it was a reason to reject me and this placement, among others. She encouraged me to get married as well, and I finally was honest with her and told her I would be very surprised if I ever got married before she was 20. (I thought she needed some sort of timeframe, rather than "I might a long time from now.") At one point, she told me I was being very rude and that she was sure there were people out there who wanted to marrry me and I'm very mean to them! :)
She has been with an excellent therapist and dealt with the issue in play therapy there. I think the comments about this faded out after about 7-8 months with me. I don't know your daughter's situation or your beliefs, but I think the last comment I made about it is that I feel that God does not want me to be married right now or for many years to come. I don't know if she feels that's a good enough "reason" or if she finally settled the issue in her mind, but I haven't heard anything about it since.
It's been a little while since your original post, but I hope things are going well for you. I was in your position last summer. Feel free to PM me if you have other questions or just want to vent!
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Thank you for your messages. Things have gotten better for now. I did end up talking to the caseworker and they came over and talked to both of us and suggested family therapy. I think that's a great idea but it's been over two weeks and I have yet to hear back from them on that. We got a lot of things out in the open that night with the caseworkers and it really helped us in bonding. Things have turned around since then and she's talking to me more. I have made it a point to do an activity with her every night to help us bond. However, she left today to spend a week with her aunt and uncle on their vacation and I worry about when she comes back...if this will set back our attachment in any way.