"She's not very dark"

My husband told me about "toasting." Sometimes he makes up words for things and thinks everyone else uses his words, so I was glad to find out that this time he's not the only one! :love:

I didn't realize how old this thread was until I got to the end of page one. :) DD is transracial, I knew about babies getting darker, so when we first saw her, I wasn't not at all surprised how light she was. What DID surprise me, is that the NURSES at the hospital she was staying in for 17 days all reported that she "looked Hispanic, very light" when reporting to our agency. Um, okay. Kind of a weird thing to say, especially knowing that babies that have AA in them will darken. (DD's first Mom is 1/2 Hispanic and 1/2 Caucasian and first Dad is AA) We also had MANY people tell us how light she was when we first brought her home. I love all of these people. All friends and family. But I knew exactly what they meant: lighter is better. People can say it doesn't matter, but like Oceanica said back in 2008, it matters very much. Like it or not, it's been that way for many, many, many years and will be that way for many more to come. I do think most people that told me how light Cam is didn't realize what they were really implying. Once I said something about it, they all became ashamed. Are they racist? I don't know. But I do know our society tells us lighter is better.

I love the saying "toasting," it sounds so cute.

I really don't think all of them mean it in a negative way or that they think lighter is better, they could be just making an observation. One of my best friends came to see Nicole right when we brought her home. The first thing she said was, "She's so dark." You could tell by her tone of voice that she meant it as a good thing, like she was giving her a compliment. She gave birth to a blond, blue-eyed boy 3 weeks before Nicole was born, & when she saw Nicole she said she could marry her son when they grew up & have biracial babies!

And yet I do. Having been involved with ending racism and trying to encourage a more diverse congregation in my church, I have sat through MANY hours of racial discussions with people of all shades. Ask any person of color, and they will tell you that there is not only a pervasive feeling in communities, but in society in general. How many DARK people do you see represented in society? Hell, even CNN did a study last year asking children who they thought was good? bad? unfriendly? smart? stupid? Wanna guess who had all the negatives? I am not calling people racists, I am simply saying that there IS a cultural and societal bias towards light skin. All goes back to the one drop rule.

OK, I admit it. I did it too. When we got our daughter, she was three months old and the local social workers said she is fully Romani on both sides but she looked so light. Ignorant friends and family kept saying stuff like, "Maybe her birthmother is a prostitute and she is really mixed." :grr: I expected that she would get darker and I hoped she would, if only to get rid of those particular comments. Well, DH is convinced she is darker now, although if so it is only by a shade, and she is still definitely on the light side of the Romani spectrum.

I don't doubt that there are a lot of people that think light skin is better, look at how many couples would prefer to adopt non-AA babies. But I think if it was a friend or a family member who was supportive of your adoption, they probably mean it as an observation, like, "That baby has a lot of hair" or "that baby is so big." Or they don't know that it takes awhile for the color to come in. I've never gotten "she's not very dark," since my baby is pretty dark. I've never heard anything negative about her color, just how pretty she is.

My nieces are BR since my sis is CC and her husband AA. I had NO idea that AA/BR babies are born lighter, so when my first niece was born and I saw her I honestly thought, "Oh snap! Is this his baby?" It sounds so bad I know, but I was ignorant. When my second niece was born for some reason as part of the discharge process the nurse asked the race of my sister, then my BIL (who was not in the room). When my sis said her husband is AA, the nurse looked up, looked at the baby, looked back at my sister and said "Well I guess she takes after you!" My sis thought it was pretty funny. I'd think it depends on how the comment comes across. If they are insinuating (sp?) that lighter is better, I'd have a problem with that. If they are just noticing that the skin color is different than what they expected, I wouldn't think it's a big deal.

Have you ever heard anyone say: That baby's so white?? It may be curiosity; it may be that darker skin isn't as appreciated.

Photos included as attachments:#1 Remee & Kian and their twin siblings - both sets of twins are biological, as far as I'm aware naturally concieved, both sets have the same semi dark bio parents.#2 Remee & Kian with their bio mom & dad - english fraternal twins, one black, one white, I think concieved naturally by bi-racial parents, both of their parents have a white mother and black father.I think it's one in a million to have one set, one in two million to have two sets.It happens when DNA comes perflectly together to set skin tone from up the line in their ancestory.My point? People come in all different shapes, sizes, colors and who cares, they're all beautiful :)

Yes all skin tones are beautiful. In a perfect world, this wouldn't be a problem. Of course, this isn't a perfect world...

Those babies are BEAUTIFUL! And of course you're right...all skin tones are beautiful.

Yes they are, & that's why we should be able to notice them & talk about them without wondering if there's something negative behind the comments. When my friend said my baby was so dark, I said thank you, it was like she was saying she was pretty.

Yes, and no based on the circumstances, and tone. Being a Black woman (with a Black dh) .. our own doc who delivered my oldest (bio) son was very surprised when he was born, as in sputtering surprised, that this Black woman gave birth to this light kid...lol. My oldest was red and pink, he was way lighter than the darker twin in the above picture, but had more undertones than the pale twin. As a lighter skinned child, he did not darken, he got lighter.. but the undertones changed. My second bio child, came out dark..but more so ruddy dark and he lightened like a light bulb. DD based on the baby pictures we received upon placement, was light but got darker..she is a medium tone child. Now in the family we all made remarks about our kids, nieces, nephews as they newly born babes. We have a variety of skin shades in our family, etc; so it's a part of our normal commentary in addition to whose features, from which side of the family etc; That is a normal passing of comments regarding skin shade, similar to a White family passing comments on a baby's hair color.The other aspect is there at times, such as "oh,hope he or she does not get darker" etc; etc; This occurs in quite a few ethnicity/race as well. I am a people observer, and have also noted amongst all races a tendency to fawn over a lighter skinned child. I have pictures of my kids, nieces, and nephews.. since I have light skinned boys (this was before DD) I noted that when friends (all races) came over to the house, whose pictures they fawned over. It's usually the lighter skinned kids pictures. One friend picked out my dark skinned nephew (who btw is a gorgeous child) over my boys pic. I now note the same tendency with my lighter skinned little niece, and my darker skinned DD and some strangers. No one is being deliberately negative to post such observations.. it is what it is. Colorism is well known, history made it so, getting a bit better...but it does linger still.

That's sad that people think lighter is better. I've always liked dark skin & I was happy when my daughter got dark. Her skin is beautiful, & I tell her that every day. I have pale skin that burns easily & never tans. I'd love to have more color in my skin.