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I have been thinking about something since my visit with my bmom last night. As some of you know, I am an adoptee, who was reunited with her bmom last April. It has been a battle.Yes, that's what I would call it...and I try and try..but just when it seems I have come to some sort of "peace" something else happens. Last night, as I was visiting my bmom, and other times I've visited with her as well, she says things that are just not very nice to me. She tells me all the time I am conceited, I don't even know how to spell it, let alone be it! LOL I don't understand why she says this...cause when she says things like, Oh you look nice today or something I usually respond with..ummm thanks, but I don't feel that way. (cause I am usually visiting after a long day at work) Anyway...last night she started that, and then was like...OH I could just slap you!!!! And I was like, "why?" and she was like, because I can. And I am like, No, I don't think so. And she made comments like, Well had I raised you you wouldn't be like that. I would have slapped it out of you. (she made that comment after I checked my phone...and she was like..why do you have to do that, do you think you are important?!?! Which I laughed and said, yeah. And that of course prompted more needs of me being slapped....and I was like, I own two businesses and they call me often with questions, concerns, ect....UGH!) So then she kept things up like that, and was like I LOVE GETTING A REACTION OUT OF YOU!!! First off, I wasn't reacting, which is the funny part...I would just give her a look like "are you serious?!" I do not know why she does this....she said she liked messing with me!!!!! Yet, the moment I "joked" with her, she got ALL mad!!!!!!!! And it got to the point where she was threatening me...because I said to her, When you act that way towards me it makes me want to step back into myself. And she took that as me threatening her......which I explained that I got quiet when people start treating me like she did....and she was like...WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW IF YOU THINK YOU WILL LEAVE HERE AND JUST DECIDE NOT TO COME BACK FOR A WHILE YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK AT ALL......I wanted to soooo badly stand up and say..OKAY GOOD BYE!!! But I didn't, because that's not me. There were some other VERY hurtful things she said to me, but she claims I am the one being hurtful. She said to me, do you just come here to hurt me, because when she said she wanted to go smoke (mind you she's in a nursing home for MS, I guess..not sure exactly...) I was like..I thought you were going to quit because it's not good for you....well she was like Cig. are all I have...and so that is what started it all! I am sooo sorry this a ramble...I just feel so confused about what to do.....as bmom's do you have the "urge" to do those kinds of things to your children?!?!? I don't understand it at all...and I'm trying to. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure how much more of this drama I can take.....
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The "funny" thing is, when I think about doing this, I get an almost panic feeling....Am I doing the right thing!?!?!? But thanks to all the support and advice, I don't know what other option would be better. I can't let it go on....
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Tam....I loved the idea of "taking you guys with me". It made me smile!!! I really don't know if or when I'm even going to go see her again. She claims that she is probably going to be living with her brother again, which means she'll be out of the nursing home. I do NOT visit her when she is living with him, she was concerned about this, and wanted me to visit her there and give him a second chance. However, that is not a possiblility at all for me. So...I may be just a big ole' coward and not ever confront this....and just let what may naturally happen when she leaves the nursing home happen. But then on the other hand, I would love to let her know how I really feel...but then I'm afraid it will anger her more and then she'll try to "find me"...and I don't want that. So.....I guess I'll just play it by ear. Thanks!!!!
BrockBaby,
I've been hesitating posting a response to this because the original thread could have been written by me... except that I'm the birthmom and the "messer" is my adopted daughter. She has cut off communications 3 times in our 10 year reunion. She uses exactly the same kind of tactics you describe coming from your bmom. Many have said that it is not just a bmom issue, and I agree. I have been very hurt my my daughter, but I will never cut her out of my life as she has from time to time-- and she knows it. I think there's a great deal of "testing" whether I'll stay, and I think there are abandonment issues. I don't think she's doing it consciously because she denies it and gets defensive anytime I want to point out what she's just said is hurtful. I'm just hoping that at some point my situation will resolve itself.
Not the most inciteful posting, I know. Just know that I think I know how vulnerable and "crappy" you feel. Hugs and good thoughts for you,
Soprano
soprano...I swear there was a post from you, and then I went to comment on it, and it was gone. Anyway, I am sorry that your daughter pulls away from you. It is really hard when bfam members are manipulative. Hang in there. I can assure you though, that the ONLY reason I would pull away from my bmom is because of her behavior towards me NOW. NOT because I want to "punish her" or anything like that....that would just be wrong.
Sorry, BrockBaby. I posted, then chickened out--this topic is very painful for me (as I know it is for you), and I decided I couldn't take any negative response. Just want you to know that any member of a reunion can act the way your bmom did... and the one on the receiving end is the victim.
Soprano
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I think your birth mom only lashes out at you because she feels she had no hand in your success. Her relationship failed with your birth father is her excuse for her comments towards him and you. She's been a complete failure as a human being and she know she's running out of time to make ammends. If you walk away then you'll play right into her hand and be to blame for what's not right in her life. She seems really scared Brock, scared she'll die and her life will mean nothing after of her death. I know you have it in you to help this wounded soul make peace. Maybe that's what God wants of you. There is alway's a reason, it is up to us to decide what can I do to help with God's plan for he loves each one of us unconditionally. Think about that will you.
bprice215
Thanks; you've help me with another other problem I've been facing. You are wonderful.
Bprice has a point, however,I think there is a difference between "helping" and "enabling" someone to continue in a destructive manner. I think you already know the difference, so there isn't any need to explain it here. I know Bprice isn't telling you to take any abuse; just giving you more to think about. This is my favorite poem. I don't know why, but after reading Bprice's post this poem popped into my silly head. I don't really know why, but I just felt like I should share it with you. You may have already seen it, but sometimes I dont' question...I just do. lol Maybe it will just give someone a laugh or make them smile? Anyway...
BUTT PRINTS IN THE SAND
(Otherwise known as the sequel to "Footprints." Ten years later and no change)
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord,"What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord,they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed,you would not grow,
The walk of faith,you would not know,
So I got tired,I got fed up'
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life,there comes a time,
When one must fight,and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
--Author Unknown
I think sometimes we think if we just love someone enough they will change. If we just help them enough, take care of them enough, be there for them at all cost, just keep turning the other cheek, so to speak, that this person will see the error of their ways and change. Sometimes it happens that way, but most of the time it doesn't. Sometimes the best way to hellp someone is to stop helping them, and let God take over. Telling someone you love them, but you will no longer allow them to disrespect, or mistreat you, and if they do you wont be back until they can treat you with respect and consideration, isn't turning your back on them. They may choose to look at it that way, but that is not what it is. I'm sure whatever you say to your Bmom, she will put a twist on it, but that is her issue and not yours. The truth with love...if the time comes, and if God has as much confidence in you, and I think he does, as he seems to have in me...the time will come, an you will do the right thing.
Thumbs up, girl.
It's a shame that she is passing up such an opportunity to be close to you. I would love to have more contact with my bd. She is not ready b/c she doesn't want to upset her mom.
I think you have a lot of courage and strength :cheer: to even consider visiting her again (not that she deserves the chance after the way she has been treating you).
I hope things go well for you if you go back. Let us know.
Kathi
Shadow....I thought I had responded to your post, but I didn't..so sorry! I love that poem, and I had never heard it before. I was TRYING to describe it to my friend when we were driving home from a concert. (my friend is like a mom to me, and has even gone to see my bmom with me once last year when I had to set boundries with her saying that she would have done a better job raising me...so she knows the situation!) ANYWAY....it really actually reminded me of my bmom. She was complaining how God doesn't seem to do anything for her...yet I am not sure what she's done for Him, or herself for that matter. And at the same time, I wanted to be like, "He allowed me to find you!" I just think that there are many things to praise God for and don't understand that mentality. Yet another way we are so different!!! So, have you started your part of our book series!?!? :pen: Thanks Shadow for always being such a constant support for me!!!! I miss our good ole' days!:love:
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Kathi...thank you for the encouragement. I am not sure if the bmoms realize how much it has encouraged me and given me a peace that "they" are okay with my feelings. I never wanted to be seen as the "bad adoptee". It is good to know that the way I am feeling is not out of whack..or off the charts...but is accurate in what my bmom has been dishing out to me. It was sort of funny, I was just putting something in my car for a friend (who I was on the phone with) and I was telling her that I was only working a half day. For a brief moment I thought...that is when I'd normally see if it would be a good time for me to visit my bmom. (meaning calling to see if her brother was there or not) And as quickly as the thought entered my mind, a great big DO NOT DO IT entered as well. So here I sit now, thinking...well should I call her!? It's really easy to hang up if she gets that way! I don't know....I wanted to say..I don't care, but it's obvious I do to a certain extent, or it wouldn't bother me. The question I am asking myself, is it that I care because of something I think I need or will regret doing...or is it out of care for her. I honestly don't know.
wow -- i find as a very recently reunited birthmother that i tend to kind of imagine every adoptee out there is/could have been my child, and i find it very painful even to HEAR about how your birthmother is treating you. She quite clearly has very strong emotional issues that have NOTHING to do with you and the person you are. She is also quite clearly still so trapped in her own unresolved feelings about the adoption that i'm not sure she is capable or willing to be a good influence in your life.
Listen to me carefully: having the contact with you that she has is a PRIVILEGE, not a right. So many loving bmoms never get a chance to see their children again. it sounds like you are really trying to make this work...and i admire that...but to really honor what is best for you AND FOR HER AS A BMOM you have to do what is most healthy and safe for YOU, because i am sure that under her pain and dysfunction she wants you to be a healthy happy person. you can't excuse her behavior because of her pain, all bmoms have pain and i don't imagine this type of behavior is typical.
i am sending you a big hug and i hope you are able to find a way to come to peace with this in a way that is healthy and beneficial to you...if it was my own bdaughter in the same situation i would want her to walk away from me if it was what was best for her. unfortunately, your bmom just can't or won't access this part of her heart right now...
best of luck
It's almost like she doesn't approve of who I am because I'm not like how she would have raised me. She says things to that effect all the time. The thing is..the son that she did raise, is on drugs, and in and out of jail, because THAT is what he saw...it WAS their lifestyle. ( I know that people make their own choices, but that is the situations he grew up in) And I want to say, "Can't you be happy that I work, go to church, am a nice person, and live a good, clean life?!?! Why do you have to always "pick" at me..." Trust me, I could pick at her, but I don't!!!
She is also quite clearly still so trapped in her own unresolved feelings about the adoption that i'm not sure she is capable or willing to be a good influence in your life.
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Ann, Thank you!!!!! I think she is trying to "brand" me by her horror. And blame me. And get credit for who I am, because "without her I wouldn't be here at all". But you know what...she had choices..and I had choices! And I decided not to allow her actions, words, and just the way she is, dictate to me the way I am going to feel about myself!!! Ever see the Saturday Night Live skit, Stuart Smalley? Well he had a saying, "I am good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, People like me!" And THAT is how I feel. I am who I am. I am who I am suppose to be. And nothing that she dishes out to me is going to make me feel differently about who I am!!! (this is not the conceited attitude she claims I have...but it is the truth that as humans this is how we SHOULD feel about ourselves!) Her past, her mistakes, her failures do not have to make me feel guilty for not making the same ones. I have made my mistakes, I have done those things I shouldn't have. I ask for forgiveness. I accept forgiveness. I move on. She isn't able to do that. And, honestly, I don't feel that I am going to be able to help her do that. She spends too much time blaming me, being nasty to me, to even get a glimpse of what I could help her with. That is her deal, not mine. Not anymore!!!! If this makes me calloused, and hard. So be it. Because I know what a tender person I am with people.....it's just sad that she can't accept that!!!! Ann... I know you didn't mean for all of that to come pouring out of my heart...but it just did. Perhaps knowing I am safe with you. That you'll correct me where I need to be, allows me to get that out, into the open! Yes, we do need to chat!! I was just saying last night to susisloo and bama that I missed you, and wondered where ya been! And this morning a message from you!!!! Thanks my far-away mum!!! :love: Lori
BrockBaby
Ann, Thank you!!!!! I think she is trying to "brand" me by her horror. And blame me. And get credit for who I am, because "without her I wouldn't be here at all". But you know what...she had choices..and I had choices! And I decided not to allow her actions, words, and just the way she is, dictate to me the way I am going to feel about myself!!! Ever see the Saturday Night Live skit, Stuart Smalley? Well he had a saying, "I am good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, People like me!" And THAT is how I feel. I am who I am. I am who I am suppose to be. And nothing that she dishes out to me is going to make me feel differently about who I am!!! (this is not the conceited attitude she claims I have...but it is the truth that as humans this is how we SHOULD feel about ourselves!) Her past, her mistakes, her failures do not have to make me feel guilty for not making the same ones. I have made my mistakes, I have done those things I shouldn't have. I ask for forgiveness. I accept forgiveness. I move on. She isn't able to do that. And, honestly, I don't feel that I am going to be able to help her do that. She spends too much time blaming me, being nasty to me, to even get a glimpse of what I could help her with. That is her deal, not mine. Not anymore!!!! If this makes me calloused, and hard. So be it. Because I know what a tender person I am with people.....it's just sad that she can't accept that!!!! Ann... I know you didn't mean for all of that to come pouring out of my heart...but it just did. Perhaps knowing I am safe with you. That you'll correct me where I need to be, allows me to get that out, into the open! Yes, we do need to chat!! I was just saying last night to susisloo and bama that I missed you, and wondered where ya been! And this morning a message from you!!!! Thanks my far-away mum!!! :love: Lori