Birthfamily/friends referencing birthfather as "Daddy".

Do you mean aparents or bparents? Because I inherited a lot from my aparents. You remember the saying: I am the product of my environment. -Manni:flower:

Manni, NatureI inherited my genes which gave me my physical and psychological traits from my birth family. They are who I come from and shape who I am. NurtureI learned everything I needed know on how to be a good person by being raised by my adoptive family: be true to yourself, think for yourself, gain your own knowledge, do not judge - try to understand, help others, care for animals and the environment, respect others and their beliefs, those are just some of the principles I learned and that has also shaped who I am. I have two families, always will. One will never negate the other. Kind regards,Dickons

Somehow, this just doesn't make much sense to me. Yes, she did make a choice to allow her child to be a part of your family. You do realize, though, don't you, that that child is a "part" of her and nothing will ever change that? The child grew inside her and inherited "parts" of her. Once you have a child, you are a mother, plain and simple, regardless of what term people want to use for you. The child is your daughter, but she is also hers. She sounds very giving to continue giving you "parts" of her by supplying breast milk for the baby. Confidence does not come from other people. It is something you have within and, once you have it, it should not be easily lost by what others have to say.

Of course the child will always have "parts" of his biological parents in him that help make up who he is. But that doesn't mean that in an OPEN ADOPTION. The birthparents have to continually lay claim on those pieces of their birthchild by CONSTANTLY asserting their biological connections in front of the adoptive parents and child.(What they think or say privately is fine). A little here and there is fine, but not all the time and not without also recognizing the adoptive parents influence as well. Just as the adoptive parents shouldn't continually flaunt their claim and influence on the child to the birthparents. It's about respect for one another. If one goes overboard and consistantly vocalizes their connection without making any comments about how the opposite person is also making conrtibutions or connections with the child than it becomes unbalanced and of course there becomes tension and hurt feelings there, and can set the child up for an unhealthy relationship. After years (literally) of constantly hearing how much he looks or acts just like his birthdad (who he didn't even know) or how everything he said or did came by him "naturally", without any recognition of our influence on him AT ALL, yes, it did become unhealthy for my child and I did begin to worry how it would impact him as the years went on. When someone is basically constantly telling him..."look, we gave you everything, your just like us, you act like us, you talk like us, you eat like us, you belong to/with us..."etc. I love her to pieces and want her back but if she was back these issues would come up and would have to be discussed. Actually how I recently began dealing with it was non-directly. If she made a comment about how he's just like their family because he loves vegtables I'd mention "ya, we love veggies too, we eat them all the time and even let him pick out which ones he'd like to eat" or if she'd say "oh he's so funny just like his ____" I'd say "I know my dh is the same way, together they crack each other up and us as well". So basically, not trying to deny their connection but add a little bit of us in there as well. Not only for her benefit so she could get the hint, but also so our son would over hear that his connection was to both our families. But sure, even though in my mind I was completely confident in myself as his mom, it hurt to think that after all these years "she" hadn't noticed or made it seem like anything "we" did or gave to him had any affect on him. Like we were nothing to him and her son and her genetics were everything that made up every bit of who he was.

I also wanted to say that the comment about the child only being 5 weeks old and at this point the adoptive parents really had no infuence on his nurture yet and most of who he was was from nature. I disagree and this is certianly where the hurtfulness and invalidation comes in for adoptive parents. It's like saying to her "everything your doing with your child at this moment makes no difference and your child could leave you right now and not care an ounce about you as his/her mom". Which is the farthes from the truth. From the moment that child enters their arms bonding with that child begins. Every kiss, smile,snuggle, bottle, diaper change, burping, bath, change of clothes, every little thing the adoptive parent does has an influence and an impact on the child, it's ability to trust that it's needs will be taken care of, it's view on the world, it's feelings of safety and security, it's ability to love and be loved, it's understanding of language, it's interactions that build knowledge and milestones and on their relationship as mommy and child. The influence and connections they have with their adopted child begins immediately. To think or say otherwise would invalidate them as a mother and the beautiful love and connection they have with their child.

What i am hearing is something comingfrom a brand new adoption...the hurt tyhat the bfamily is feelingis very fresh, theindsercurity from the afamily is very evident. How about a little empathy for both sides, how about alittle understanding that if "this" bfamily did not decide to sign those papeers you would not be able to lay claim on this child. Try hard to figure it out...and I say that forboth sodes BECAUSE your child(meaning both a and b families...because the child does in many way "belong" to both) WILL be confused and thats not fair. Its not failr that a child won't be able to be proud of there genes or be proud of their upbringing...there is a TOTAL child here and that is a result of both banda families. Now, to the orginal question..give yourself some time to come to a compassinate response to these types of things...you will be dealing with this for the rest of the childs life...it really is about the child not the "mommy and daddy" Figure out how to totally keep the child feeling validated..and don't forget...you WILL be having the joy of bathing, dressing, first smiles, walking, school, softball games ect....you haved gained the bfamily has lost no matter how good or bad the reasons... Thats why peole are sayingget some confidence....and no it does't happen overnight....so if you do feel a twinge..stand back and figure out why you feel that way..question what is making you tick , then look at the big picture....

You know Suzie, I dont know a single birth/first/natural/bio/whatever who didnҒt want the child they gave birth to (trying to use positive adoption language here as to not cause unwarranted pain) to bond with the people they chose to be that childs parent. From my own experience I know that I hope with all of my heart that the child I relinquished bonded, was loved and thrived with his parents. I defend the most recent posts that have been made. A poster resurrected an old thread and said some very negative things about a woman who carried her child for 9 months, gave birth and continues to pump breast milk for her Җ and all I can think of is how much she must love and cherish the child she relinquished! I hurt for the woman who will have a lifetime of repercussions from the placement of her child being talked about like shes nothing better than a brood mare and a milk cow and by God she better learn her place or sheҒll be placed out to pasture. Thats what I hear when I read this type of crap and I donҒt believe Im alone. I continue to be so amazed at the strength and resiliency of the women forging the path of open adoption. I donҒt pretend to believe that its easy for anyone involved, but I will venture a guess that itҒs harder on the party that is on the outside looking in.

I did not say that. What I said was "At five weeks the "nurture" that you've given is not going to be evident for awhile." Not being evident for awhile does not mean it is not vitally important. In fact, the nurture that your baby is getting from you will impact her the rest of her life. It will effect how she attaches to other people, how well she trusts, etc, etc. However, at 5 weeks you're not likely to see the results of this on her personality.

Suzie: Your child's bparent knows the work that you've done, she see the love, nurturing and traits your son has gotten from you. She just doesn't want to acknowledge/admit it, so when she says " he got this from me" it's her way of validating herself. Don't let it upset you. -Manni:flower:

We will always have differing opinions (bfamily/afamily) and I'm sure there will always be debate on who has it harder. I am in agreement that I get the joy of raising my DD so obviously, I come out on top. I thought the point of OA was to minimize some of the "issues" for both the child and the bfamily. It seems that us aparents are just on the ride. There was a comment made about if the bparents didn't relinquish their rights, there wouldn't be a child to discuss BUT, does that mean that I am at their mercy for the rest of my life?? Like I said before, my DD's bfamily is welcome in my home anytime, in fact, bmom, bgrandma, bgrandpa and b-uncle were all here tonight for about 3 hours visiting. I had to excuse myself and take several deep breaths after the first hour of them relating EVERYTHING about her to themselves. I understand that is their way of making themselves feel better about it but it was JUST TOO MUCH. The bgrandma made several comments about how she wishes bmom wouldn't have placed her but that she was glad that she's with good people...ok, almost a compliment!! For three hours I got to hear them coo over her and how much she looked like her "mommy". After saying it 400 times, the bgrandma goes "oh...I guess I shouldn't say that...".....ya think?? I admit I have NO IDEA how it feels to relinquish a child and I have a lot of respect for DD's bmom for making the decision she made but how long before I don't "owe" her anymore. In all honesty, she asked us to adopt her baby out of the blue. We weren't even looking and were thinking about trying to get pregnant. I am tired of feeling like I have to just "take it" because it may hurt her feelings...what about my feelings?? I am eternally grateful that she chose us to be DD's parents BUT we don't owe her anything other than to be the best parents we can be.

I can certianly see how that would be very difficult to deal with and I wouldn't blame you for feeling put off by it. I would be as well. It sounds like they are having a hard time letting go. But they may not even realize how inappropriate and hurtful it is. Maybe you should calmly speak up and say something to them. It is necessary that you be treated and respected as the "Mommy". Especially in your presence, in front of your child and in your home. It sounds like you will have a lot of work ahead of you trying to create healthy boundaries. I wouldn't put it off to long. The longer you let it slip by without saying anything the harder it will be to change later. Are you still in the wondow where the birthmother can reclaim her rights? When will the adoption be finalized? I would consider writing out a list of things you feel are appropriate and things you feel are not. Then plan on getting together with them and discussing it. A top one on my list would be... coming up with another name or nickname for the birthmother so that she and others will know what is appropriate to call the birthmother in your presence and the childs, other than "mommy".

Amilynn: You know next time you can say the bfamily "we love to have you here ,in our lives, but we prefer to be called mommy and daddy".You're acknowledging your love for the bfamily and also setting-up healthy boundaries for the future. Hopefully it will open the door for a conversation about boundaries . I wish you the best. -Manni:flower:

This is what we did for our children's bmom. We had a meeting, without the children, and we went over some boundry issues we had. One of them was her referring to herself as mommy and to her current boyfriend as daddy (he is not the father of any of the children). I told her that while she is, and always will be the children's birth mom, I am mommy and my husband is daddy. I told her that before the next visit, I wanted her to think about something that she wanted the kids to call her...did she want her name...did she want an endearment...did she want a word that meant mom in a different language? It could be her choice and we would respect any choice she made, but mommy and daddy were for us and us alone.

Amilynn, as an amom who has been in an OA for four years, I do understand your frustration. I never had DD's birth mom call herself "mommy" or have encountered any disrespect, yet I felt like I was DD's birth mom's counselor. There are very few "good" agencies or other "adoptiion profressionals" that do a good job at helping either a or b parents deal with OA, especially when a baby is young. I can see how people are "angry" with what you are saying...and to be honest, I was too. But I also think back to how emotional I was four years ago, and I feel your pain too. To me, the most important thing for a young baby is bonding with a "mom." That doesn't mean that your child's birth mom is not important (not at all). But I finally understood that it was important to set boundaries and realize that that little person actually needed me to be fully her "mom." I know that was what her birth mom wanted too, but I think her grief was geting in the way. In any event, I do think if you don't feel like you are bonding with your child enough, you need to set boundaries. It is hard. The other reality is that (as hard as it is to realize sometimes), as dpen said, your child will always be part of both you and the birth famiiles. (To me, it's been kind of a wonderful realization, but it took me a while to get there). Anyway, please feel free to PM me...I know how hard the first few months are.

Amylynn22- From what I've heard from adoptees here at this site? Adoptees have faced mountains of prejudice from all facets of society from the time you're all old enough to pick up on such things. I will definately take all adoptees' words on that. You are adoptees; you would know. I find it difficult to believe that only now - as an adoptive parent - are you learning that there is "ignorance surrounding adoption". I also find it hurtful. If you would like to know what kind of "ignorance" (which should be relabled as pure spite and malice) people face surrounding adoption, come read some posts in the birth parents section of this forum. It has been intimated to me on the web that we are: Baby sellers, Baby Killers (yeah you heard that right), Abandoners, Felons. Here are some things I have been called IRL due to my first parent status: slut, whore, and my very very favorite.......degenerate. You can bet your bottom dollar, Amylynn, that there are other people on all sides of the Triad - all sides - who are reading this exchange and sniggling too themselves like the childish punks they surely are. Amylynn - Yes, absolutely, you have every right to be treated with respect by the first parents. H**l, you have a right to be treated with respect by anyone you come in contact with. If you have been treated badly because you are an adoptive parent; that is wrong. But it is just as wrong to negate the prejudice others have face because they are adoptees or first parents. This stuff is as hard as it gets. Trust me.