birth mother died while giving birth to me...how to cope?

The fact that you are aware of your feelings and their root cause is an important first step. While I certainly hope that you eventually progress further in therapy/self-acceptance, don't be too hard on yourself about your current inability to do so. Many people in your situation would still be in a state where they feel guilty but do not know or are unwilling to let themselves think about why. You are right that no amount of other people telling you it's not your fault is going to make you believe that. One thing that might help is finding a therapist who specializes in grief counseling and/or reading about the grieving process. Any child whose mother died when they were very young would naturally feel that it was somehow their fault, and the fact that your mother died in child birth only makes that feeling even stronger in your case.

First of all, everyone, do not worry at all about seeming uncaring, or thinking I might take offense to anything. I haven’t and I won’t!Cetally,Yes, I do know without a doubt that she died in childbirth. My aparents actually know the missionary who personally who took me from my father as an infant (my amom and the missionary are the best of friends), and the missionary knows who my father is. She visited him in India-when I was 9 years old-and he asked about me. Also, she was writing letters to her contacts in India for the past few months, and they know about me as the little girl whose mother died in childbirth.But I have heard horror stories about aparents telling their kids that the birth mom died when it wasn’t really true.Gigglessa, yea, I’m sure my whole perspective will change once I have children of my own. Thanks for your thoughts. And the others, thanks to you too.

It has to be especially hard because you never got the chance to grieve her. You lost something very special. Priceless. Sometimes people thing that things are their fault and assign blame even if it isn't deserved. My daughter, adopted through foster care, often feels that things were her fault. Was she loveable enough? I have no words to comfort you but wish I did. No matter what age one loses their mother, it is devastating.

Hi Lonewolf: I just tried to post a reply, but I think the computer ate it (grr). I'll try again. I'm a 47 year old woman whose mother died in childbirth. Thanks for posting your birth history. I've never met anyone else who experienced that and it's a big personal history to carry. It's a very big deal. I first tried therapy in late 20s -- definitely worth it, once you find a good therapist. It's such a painful and uncommon experience that well-meaning friends can end up making you feel worse. My mother's death definitely affected my life. I felt that I'd better do something meaningful while I was on Earth! So, I've tried to make the planet a better place, while also trying to have fun and be carefree -- I think she would have wanted that. I'll stop for now, to see if this post works. Thanks again for writing what you did.

My mother died during my birth because the doctors gave her too much anesthesia during a C-section and her heart stopped. That was 47 years ago. Much of my younger life I struggled with the sense that I didn't deserve to be here. There was alot that happened in my early childhood that reinforced that. I understand your struggle, I too felt responsible. After therapy and other ways of trying to move forward I know that I am not responsible for my mother's death. There is no way you (or I) are responsible for the loss of our mothers. Life has many unexpected and painful events over which we have no control but there is also beauty and unexpected joys. Being a mother myself has brought me some healing because there is healing in giving something one has never had. I hope you find healing yourself and can move beyond your sense of blame. Your mother would have wanted nothing more for you than for you to find happiness in your life.

My father knocked up a woman his senior year of college. His life was just getting started, really, and ther weren't in love. In fact, he had just started dating my stepmother when he found out that Victoria was pregnant. They considered abortion, but she was Catholic and didn't feel like it was the right thing to do. He was on track to be a scientist, so he agreed to help with child support, and to be a responsible father. He was a good man, and really planned to support her and the baby. A cocuple months later, they learned that she was going to have twins. It was a bit of a mess. But my dad said that she was happy, but really worried. She want into labor 2 and a half weeks early. The umbilical chord was wrapped around one of the babys necks, and since they were preemies, and she was such a small woman, they decided to do an emergency C-section. She didn't make it; and neither did that baby, a boy to be named Peter. I was the only one to survive that day, and it's haunted me ever since. I was able to stop blaming myself all the time, but every day I wonder what my life would have been like if they had made it. I'm not really unhappy with my life, but I just wish so much that I could know them, mostly my brother. I really do love my stepmom, but eveything I do differently than my family makes me wonder if it's something I got from her. I waer her Saint Catherine medal everyday, but I wish she could have held me just once.

Hi its what I'm going through every day wishing my mother would have been alive a little longer for me to remember all the things that a mother does for her child. When growing up with just an adopted father missing the everything about a mother, hurting every day. Hearing about the tragedys that happen where childs are taking away from there parents bye death destroys. The other month in Greensburg, Pa there was this girl thats always around town going practically everywhere I'm at than reading that she was torchered for what have seemed liked a life time(24hours or more) by six people that were around town or the same places that I was. Then they wraped her body in plastic than placed her in a garbage can bye a middle school. It's terrible its like hearing that song about brenda got a baby. "BeLoved"

This is entirely natural. REALIZE for a fact that it was NOT your fault. Your mother made decisions. You were an infant and there was nothing you could have done about it. Buddha's mother died in chidbirth as well. He spent his life trying to resolve it emotionally. This led to his enlightenment. You have the same opportunity.

Hi, I kind of came across your thread and it hit close to home, even if it was from a couple years ago. I've been having some of the same thoughts recently. My mother died a few days after I was born. And now I am 25, 2 years older than she was when she passed. Its mind boggling. It really is something thats hard to process, that the trade off for your own life is that of another's. The blood relative I have in my life as a constant is my half brother. And I think people find it hard to look past blood when it comes to family. I end up overcaring for people.

I can empathize with those of you who have lost your mother at birth or shortly thereafter. I was 5 days old and we were still in the hospital (1950). My father was so distraught that the hospital had to call him the next day to remind him that he needed to come and get me. I was very fortunate to have an aunt and uncle who were 54 & 55 and childless take me at two weeks of age and adopt me when I was 3 years old. My father was able to keep my two sisters - 10 and 11 1/2. They were the ones that went through their teen age years without a mother. My aunt helped out as much as she could - but we lived 80 miles away. I did have a wonderful childhood and fortunately was able to spend time with my mother's sisters and my brother, sisters and dad. My brother was 19 when I was born and had left home and was working in a city 35 miles away. When I was about 6 or 7 my brother was angry with me one day and said "if it wasn't for you I'd still have a mother." I know he forgot what he said as soon as he said it, but I have never forgotten - even after 55 years. My mother was 44 years old when she died and when I approached that age I started to realize my own mortality. I almost feel guilty for have out lived her in years. I have never really gotten over her death and think about it constantly. I wonder what my life would have been like it she had lived and she and my dad had raised me. Because my mother died as a result of my birth, I decided at 15 that I was not going to put myself in that position and did not have any children. I knew that if I got pregnant, that I would not mentally be able to deal with it. Again - I feel everyone's loss at losing your mother at or immediately after birth. I do wish I had known my mother, but firmly believe that some day I will. She is waiting for me on the other side and what a glorious day that will be when we are re-united. My one regret in this life is not knowing the woman that gave me my life. She did give me my name and my aunt and uncle did not change it. So my mother gave me life and a name. I do miss her terribly and think of her daily.

Dear lone wolf, I hope you are still out there! I lost my mom at childbirth and I totally relate to your experience!!!!! Please confirm u r there so I can continue......

Hi there, I am a doctoral student researching individuals whose mothers have passed away during childbirth. I noticed this post and wanted to put it out there that this research is taking place in case anyone would like to take part. For more information please email me at emilygittelmon@city.ac.uk Take care, Emily

Dear Lonewolf,My reply can be around 12 years late...however i thought i should reply to you. I am now a 41 year old guy. My mother died in child birth. Most of my child hood and even adult hood like in 20s i never felt so much need of my mother. I am not sure how to explain you, but i knew she is with me and she protects me. I am her youngest child and she has blessed me with everything, but her love. Today i am a successful business man. She made me strong and she made me feel like i didn't need her. I went on with my life to built a business and was so busy. However recently i sold my business and i became so miserable. I now only think of the big void which she left in my life. I just cannot understand how to fill it. I have searched every part of my brain to find a single memory of her and i cannot find it. Not knowing her is making me so miserable every day. Just not knowing my mother is such a big void. As a human life is becoming tough for me everyday. Every day i grow old, i feel that my emptiness is growing bigger. Hence you can tell why i am replying to this 12 year old post.....I almost hate her for leaving me....i truly hate her for leaving me alone. I hope you found peace. I wish i can find peace. Rajesh

It feels pretty weird to have come across this thread, seeing people go through things that I had been going through all my life. My mother passed away almost 30 years ago while giving birth to me - Postpartum haemorrhage. I was born in southern part of India. Being the only child, I was raised by my maternal grand parents, as my father never re-married and was living all alone. During childhood, I had the best years of my life with lots of pampering and life in itself was just a smooth sail. A few years went by and my father sued my grand parents to gain my custody. The court over ruled his appeal to let me stay with grand parents. This court room saga went on for almost 5 years and I seldom saw my father. It was when I turned 13, reality struck and pretty hard. My grand father passed away and for the first time, I went through the pain of losing someone I knew and loved. I then finished my boarding school and was entering college. My grand mother was too old to take care of me and so I stayed with my maternal uncle and aunt until I finished college. As someone here pointed out, “It’s hard for people to look beyond blood”, turned out to be the case and clearly felt like I was a burden to them. Things went sour between us and I had to be tight lipped and be by myself to pass those college years. All my life, have seen my father just a handful of times and so thought I should spend time with him at least from now on. Reality struck again, as I hear his passing away due to a freak accident. I was left with only my grandma who loved me more than anything else. A couple of years later, she too passed away of old age.There were phases in life right from childhood, where I would think of my mother and what if she had been alive. Like most others, I would have been part of a happy family with brothers and sisters, but all of those seemed to be just a distant dream. Now here I am, almost 30 now, all alone during the COVID-19 lockdown, looking back at those times and it seems I was clearly going through stages of depression, but somehow managed through it.I stopped blaming life and tried to stay positive with whatever tantrums it threw at me, kept an open-mind to learn more about things and people around me, figured out ways to stay stronger mentally - exercise really helped, started to express myself more than before and formed a small but good social circle with the ones I trust. It’s funny, but I feel people like us belong to a small herd of evolution by natural selection. We were selected by mother nature to go through something so traumatic that could only strengthen us mentally to prevail the journey of life.We should be spreading nothing but love, hope and positivity to people like us. Life is precious, you get to live only once and so, fill it with happiness. Trust me, it’s the best medicine one could ever ask for!

I am so glad to have found this post. As I approach my seventieth year, I reflect on the loss of my mother during my birth. Over the years, my interest in connecting with others who have endured a similar experience has grown, leading me to seek knowledge about their life experiences.