Lessons

:evilgrin: Hey All! :love: I wasn't exactly sure where this thread belonged - so I flipped a coin and stuck it in here! (LOL! There's a porn joke in that sentence somewhere). :evilgrin: Anyhoo....I've been giving the lessons of adoption a lot of thought. It has been an ever-present shadow now for 31 years but I can think of two instances where it taught me compassion for several men in my life. The first is my ex-husband. He got hit with a double-whammy last year; an as-unyet-undiagnosed illness of the pancreas that has crippled him basically, and also he lost his job of near 40 years. It got to the point where he had no money coming in and he came to me in tears one day this summer and said that he could no longer make his child support payments to me. (I didn't go through Friend of the Court re. child support. Personally I would've rather been tarred and feathered.) Anyway, he was sobbing uncontrollably and said, "I guess this means you won't let me see our daughter anymore." Fortunately for me, in a terrible twist of fortune that is, I am a woman who surrendered two children and because of that, I understand only too well the aching pain of being separated from my children. I looked at ex-husband and said, "Never gonna happen. You can see our daughter anytime you want. Money ain't got nuthin to do with it and it never will." So in that way, adoption kept me from hurting a down-on-his-luck person; kept me from selling my soul for $100.00 a week. Then there is my eldest raised daughter's dad. He was very young when she was born - younger even than I - and poorer if that were possible. He couldn't take the heat and so he split the scene, leaving us to fend for ourselves. Over the years when she'd ask about him I'd simply say that he loved her but that he was young and frightened and he panicked, and that I'm sure he regretted his actions. And that's all I ever said. When my eldest was 20 she and her dad happened to run into each other by sheer chance. She came to me begging me not to hate her because she wanted a relationship with him. I said, "Never gonna happen. I'll never hate you" then I sat back and watched as they went through what I now recognize as "reunion rollercoaster" though I didn't know what it was at the time. Basically they hung with each other every minute, then didn't speak to each for months, they argued, hurt each other, embraced each other, made impossible demands of each other......all in trying to find common ground to be a family. All the while deep inside a voice said to me, "learn from this". Recently my daughter came to me and said, "Mom I told my dad that even though I know he loves me; we can't be friends. I can't call him dad or think of him that way. He walked out on us and even though I understand it, he has to live with what I can give. Maybe I should just forget the whole thing." I looked at her and said, "Sweetie, I don't know what to say to that. You know I'll back you 100% on any decision you make but one question I do have....has it occurred to you that one day your siblings may say the same thing of me and is that what you want? Do you think maybe you can find a way to forgive you dad for being human? Negotiate with him? Tell him what you can and can't handle and then give him a chance to prove he can be in your life and respect your boundaries?" They did end up talking and now have a quite good relationship. He has learned to accept what my daughter can live with. If I had not surrendered two children I might not have had the understanding and compassion to help my daughter come to terms with herself and her dad. I might've poisoned their relationship out of spite. And I am glad I had more sense than that. Not saying that adoption is a wonderful thing. I would give just about anything to change what went before, but since I can't, all I can do then is take what is bad and try to make something good out of it somehow. Thanks for listening! Happy New Year everybody!!! :thankyou: