Our Bad semi open adoption experience

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT] Hi, all we I wanted to share our semi open adoption experience & get some input from others that understand the situation, I have shared with my friends but they are not in a similiar or even close experience. Sorry it is really long but wanted to explain the whole situation My husband has a soon to be 16 year old daughter. When she was 18 months old we got custody from her drug using mother, for the next 18 months we fought hard to get sole custody since her mother was not even trying to get her stuff together. She rarely even showed up for court. When we were finally set to get our full custody her mother showed up in court (stoned) & started a physical fight with me while in the hallway, I was interacting with our newborn son & her daughter was sitting next to our son. My husband intervened & pushed her off of us & did infact punch her. When they went into the court the Judge decided that since in his mind both parents had acted poorly in court he would place the daughter in protective custody. Well that was even worse. Now I'm not saying my husband was a saint he did have his own drug & alcohol issues but was working hard on overcoming them with ofcourse a few set backs here & there. He fought the system & foster mother for 3 years. Everytime he made 2 steps forward she would send him 3 steps back. He completed everything that was requested of him NA, AA, batterer annonymous (due to the fight) parenting classes, & counseling. He was working steady & we set up a home of our own (we were living with my parents, we were only 19 &22) When he finally got his first unsupervised visit after 2 years she told one of the 10 caseworkers that we had she thought his daughter had been molested! This was my husband's final straw, he spiraled slightly after that, he loves his daughter & would never have done this to her, we infact had thought her mother's boyfriend had done something but when we had her nobody would listen the us! We spent several thousands of dollars on an attorney that did nothing for us! Now through all this her bmother was not showing up for any court appearances! In the end they told my husband it had gone on too long & he needed to sign his rights over, he did thinking there was nothing else he could do, they told him by having mother's consent they could take his but it would look better if he volunteered them! So over the years we moved 1200 miles away to help make it easier on my husband. We have had contact with the Amom who was previously the Fmom! 5 years ago she contacted my via email & said she thought his daughter was ready to meet him, he go all those emotions, scared, excited & nervous. Than she said no so we dealt with it, what else can we do? We did keep contact with Amom, in september 2006 I sent his daughter a picture cd with ALL the pictures we had of her when she was with us added music, the whole works! About a week later we got an unexpected phone call from the amom stating she wanted to talk to us, she was 13 at this time. She choose to talk to me only not her dad, he was really scared anyway. I treasured the phone call & made sure Amom knew this. At this time we were having a new house built & lost contact from late october till January 2007 when we finally got moved into the new house. Now during this time I had been checking up on her on Myspace she seemed to be having trouble, her myspace header was F*** Everyone, that spells trouble I think. So in January of 2007 I send amom our new address & a pic of the house we were really excited about it. Her reply is that our contact with the daughter (nonexistant except for a phone call) was too much for the daughter to deal with & we need to cease contact! OK we are 1200 miles away how are we the problem! But after a few words expressing this to the amom we stop contact. Send Christmas cards only. She did send some pics later on in the year & all notes continue to state they are still having problems but very active in church, very contradictory. In october 2008 the amom had somehow gotten my husbands email address, we had never given that out cause he likes me fielding the emails, he's still very emotional about everything, she proceded to tell my husband again that she thinks his daughter is ready to meet with him. If she was ready she would fly down here with her to meet with him, she told him she was going to Canada for Columbus weekend & would contact him after she got home on Monday. 2 weeks went by & my husband kept hounding me that something was wrong with his email, it was not coming to his bb! So I checked all setting & his email, nothing was coming in so I finally sent amom an email, I thought I was being reasonable, here is my email: For several years now you have been contacting us and telling us that YOU believe Bchild is ready to meet with bdad but just afraid of hurting your feelings. You have even had her call us, which I believe she was uncomfortable with the phone call. Then when bdad starts feeling like he might actually get the opportunity that he has been waiting so long for we hear nothing back from you or we are told that she is having a lot of emotional problems due to contact with us. Well this also causes a lot of emotions for bdad, he loves bdaughter more than you could even begin to imagine. He thinks about her all the time, after your last round of emails you got his hopes up that he might actually get to see her again and spend time with her. Then he don't hear back from you again, it's heartbreaking. Imagine having one of your children taken from you and the person that has custody of your child contacts you every couple of years and telling you they think it's time for a reunion and they really think your child is ready for it, you get your hopes up and maybe even start playing out in your head how that reunion will go and than nothing reality slaps you in the face and you hear nothing back from the family or you hear that the child is in fact not ready to be reunited with you. It hurts, very deeply. bdaughter is a very sensitive subject for bdad and I'm sure equally so for bdaughter. bdad loves her deeply, he never stopped loving her, he never stopped wanting her in his life, he lives for that day when she will be back in his life again. But he needs to know that it is real, not dare I say it but have her dangled in his face, it's not a game for him it's real emotions. He loves hearing updates about her and loves getting pictures of her, but I really would appreciate it if you would please stop mentioning a reunion to him until the day that you decide that you are going to go forth with a reunion regardless of what bdaughter tells you or the day that bdaughter comes to you and says I would like to meet my dad or call my dad. It would really spare his heart the hurt of rejection from his daughter over and over again. If you have any questions about this you have both of our email addresses, our home number This is the response I got back from her I'm sorry but your email is rude. I answered every email that bdad sent and did so caringly. You are aware that I have not obligation to do that, but I do because I do care about bdad and his feelings. I was in court and saw him hurt when the parental rights were terminated. I saw his tears, and I saw his love. I can only let bdaughter decide what to do and when she is ready to meet. We have talked about flying down there and meeting however and whenever she is comfortable. We are meeting with the therapist this week. We were going to discuss this. After this email, I'm not sure that is a good idea. Again, I have no obligation to do any of this or even send photos or updated letters. Legally, she is fully our child. I can't believe that you wrote the things you did. If I were anyone but the person I am, I would never address this issue again. I am a very caring person, however, and for bdaughter's sake, I would not act like a child. I believe you need to rethink your words. So I sent this back to her after much deliberation over my first email I apologize if you think it sounded rude, that was not my intention. I am deeply concerned for the emotions involved in this matter of the heart. bdad gets his heart broken everytime you email him saying you THINK she's ready for a reunion and then it turns out that she is not, he feels rejected and hurt all over again and to watch that is heartbreaking to me. I also realize that this is a very sensitive subject for bdaughter and she has a lot of emotions going on inside of her as well. I'm only asking that the next time this subject is revisted it be in the form of bdaughter has come to me and decided that she is ready to see you it would save him the heartbreak of being "rejected" again. I realize that she is your legal daughter and you have no obligation to send updates or even pictures and I have never said that they were not appreciated, they are very much appreciated by all of us. Again I apologize if I sounded rude I'm just concerned for all hearts involved in this very sensitive matter. Added to that everytime she writes us about bdaughter she is complaining about issues she has, drug use, sexually active, grades not good, putting on weight & not caring about it. My question is why is Amom being like this to us? I don't believe my email request was rude? or was it? Samantha