Advertisements
Hi all, this is my first post here :cheer:
Quite a few years ago I found out I have a sister that was adopted out before we(my sis and bro and myself) were ever born.
My mom was young and not married to my dad (the birth father). From what I understand he didn't know til after the fact, so they weren't even together.
Well, my mom died in 1980 and my step mom told us about our sister. Since then my father has divorced and remarried. My stepmom has been searching around the internet and we think we've found my sister.
Tonight I was given a name, address, and phone number.
My sister and I are totally onboard w/ meeting her, but I think my dad has some reservations.
My problem is I'm afraid of ruining her life. I mean what if she was never told she's adopted in the first place(she just turned 43). What if she knows but doesn't want to know about her birth family. I just don't want to upset her.
Any advice?
Thanks!!!!
Like
Share
It's so hard to know exactly how to proceed in these situations, isn't it? It's great that you and your siblings are all on board. What do they think? IMO, you can "what if" things to death. Sometimes you have to take a chance and reach out.
You can also look at it another way: What if she was told she was adopted, what if she'd be delighted to know about her birth family, what if your contact would be thrilling for her?
You will never know for sure unless you attempt to reach out. If she is not ready for contact, she will let you know. If she doesn't know she was adopted, yes, it will be a shock and difficult at a late age to discover this. On the other hand, if it were me, as hard as it might be, I'd not want to live out my entire life not knowing the truth of who I was and where I came from.
I think if you understand there are some risks involved here, for both you (and your siblings) and her, and are willing to keep expectations low but hope for the best, you'll be fine. You don't need to make contact today or tomorrow, either. Maybe get together with your siblings and think about how you want to approach her initially. Do you want to write a letter? Make a phone call?? I'm not sure what is best, honestly (I wish I knew!), but others here may have some better advice. If you decide NOT to contact her ever, is that something you could deal with?? It sounds to me like you want to reach out, but just have fears about it, which is totally understandable.
My problem is I'm afraid of ruining her life. I mean what if she was never told she's adopted in the first place(she just turned 43). What if she knows but doesn't want to know about her birth family. I just don't want to upset her.
Advertisements
Just do it...she is your sister...plus you do not say how your mom passed away but if it was something that could be passed on you need to let your sister know. Life without a medical family history can be life threatening...mine was. I would have given anything for my birth family to have looked for me. Have you searched the registries on the net to see if she has posted a search? There is a registry here. If you could find a match on a registry then you would a) know she knew she was adopted, b) was looking. Some of the registries take time to search but it may give you the needed info to take the plunge. Kind regards,Dickons
I have not searched the registries, but i will try and figure that out.
My mom actually committed suicide. She was about mid 30's. Our father was cheating on her and on the verge of leaving her(he already took his clothes from the closet). So you see, we don't exactly have anything to offer her.
My dad is a grumpy alcoholic. From what I understand(I get my info from my step mom) he had a real hard time when he found out my mom gave birth to a daughter, put her up for adoption, and never told him about it. Our parents got married a few years later, he was stationed overseas, then he came back to start a family. I think they both had a lot on their plates and didn't know how to deal with issues. She commited suicide and my dad has been a drinker for as long as I can remember.
If anything, she'll be more than thankful she didn't have to grow up w/ us...providing she had a good childhood.
My stepmom was suppose to talk to my dad again. I would hate to find her only for her to have a dad that's a complete jerk and still not want her. I don't want her to feel that way. But she has 3 full blooded siblings.
Thanks for your help. I might wait for my dad to have time to digest the information before I make my move.
I'm going to keep in touch.
Even if everything else does not work out...the fact that her siblings want to know her will be more than enough. Siblings are with you the longest of any relationship (normally) and can provide you with the moral support everyone needs once in a while especially as we get older. To search the registry here: see the purple header bar above the forum - reunite tab - select the registry. Kind regards,Dickons
If you think you have found your sister and want to contact her, then I say go for it. You are all adults, if she chooses no contact then you will at least know instead of wondering for years down the road.
As for your Dad, you don't need his permission to search for your sister and if he doesnt want to meet her that is his choice, you do not owe your sister an explanation as to why he does not want to meet - that is up to him
Good luck and I hope you find her and are able to meet
Advertisements