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I need some help.
There's a parent of a child where I work who adopted her son. Her son was born on the same day, and same year my son was. I am 100% sure it's not my son, but the fact that they were born on the same day, and he has parents similar in age has left me so curious. I know she writes updates to the birthparents, and I am curious about her experience. Her son was in my class a year ago. She's a VERY nice person, who is grateful to his birthparents.
I talked to someone who said she is open about talking about the adoption, and about her experience. I decided to write her a letter, to see if she'd be willing to talk to me about it.
But I feel stuck. I've never opened up to anyone other than friends that knew me when I was pregnant, and in therapy. But my therapist feels it might help to talk to another adoptive mom, especially one with a son the same age as my own. I feel so vulnerable, but I think it might help to talk to an adoptive mother. Any advice on what I should say? I know her from working with her son, and because she is actively involved in the school.
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I say be open and honest about your feelings and why you are writing the letter. Just let her know that you are curious and sharing her experience may help you heal. This may stir insecurities for her so be prepared her reaction may not be what you expect. Good luckAnd coming here and sharing experiences has really helped me heal and grow in ways I never imagined.
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I corresponded with a bmom who was distant family of a close friend. It was WONDERFUL for both of us, and I cherish all her emails. She contacted me about a year after she placed. My friend knew she was struggling and suggested it. It was really brilliant. I would tell her you're a birthmom, and ask her if she'd be interested in swapping stories and talking with you about her experiences with adoption. Let her know you're really interested in learning about it from her point of view.I'd include a few "sample" questions even...start with something simple like did you know you were getting a boy or was it a surprise? How long did you know about being matched with him before he was actually placed with you (time to prepare etc.)? When did you start talking about his adoption with him?These are pretty simple, and not too emotionally charged. As an aparent I am ALWAYS thrilled to pieces to let someone have a glimpse of how adoption changed our life. I love to be able to swap stories with bmoms and adoptees expecially! I also love speaking about the challenges she faced in adjusting to life in a new family.
I forgot to update! I wrote the letter and she called me a few days later. She was really sweet and really open to talking about her experience as an adoptive mom. She made me feel a lot better about writing to the adoptive parents of my birthson, and I'm going to call her back to ask what she'd suggest writing. It was really healing, I think for both of us, to talk. She is in an open adoption, and communicates with the birthparents, and feels that it's so important for birthchildren to know their birthparents. She said she thinks of her sons birthparents as a part of her family, and is very thankful for them. It was so nice, and so nice to hear the perspective of a an adoptive mom whose birthson's mom was also 15 like I was. And we placed our children only one week apart.
And thanks for letting me know you do like talking to other birthparents and adoptees. I've been wanting to call her back, but feel a little shy (which is not like me at all!!). But I don't want to annoy her with my questions, I tend to be really nosy when I meet another birthparent or adoptive parent or adoptee! My good friend is adopted and I often bore him with my questions, LOL.