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I haven't been around here lately, so I'll bring you all up to speed :) I'm a birthmom in a semi-open adoption, I have e-mail and picture contact with my DD's mom, but my teenaged DD is not involved with direct contact right now. We've been in touch for the past three years now after a long gap in contact, and it's been a rocky road, as some of you remember! The level of contact between us has been somewhat uneven, simply put, I write and share more than DD's mom does. She doesn't always respond to messages, forgets to send pics, doesn't forllow through with what she says etc etc and for a long time I had difficulty dealing with that. DD does know that we are in touch, and has shown some passive curiousity at times, but hasn't asked for contact, or been very vocal about any of it to her mom. Despite this, her mom does acknowledge that there will be a time when we will meet. Our bigest setback in my opinion happened last year at DD's birthday. Since her mom and I have been back in touch, I have written her mom on DD's birthday to acknowledge the day and what it means for all of us. Last year was the first time I knew that DD was aware that I was in the picture, and I thought it would be a nice gesture to send a card for her birthday. I had asked her mom if it was OK, I would send it to her, and it was her call as her mom to decide if/when it was appropriate to give to her. The request didn't go over very well initally, it was misconstrued and she reacted rather negatively to the idea, which had taken me by surprise. It did open up some contructive discussion about our relationship, and she did change her mind and allowed me to send the card, but I never found out what happened after that. I did ask once or twice if she ever recieved it, and said I hoped whatever the outcome, it went OK, but she never answered me, and I dropped it, because I was afraid to push. It took some time for things to get on track again, and for me to process her reaction, but I finally feel at this point that things are good between us. She still doesn't keep her end all the time, but she does acknowledge that it's not personal, and I've come to accept that this is how it is and I need to focus on the positive. Plus, DD is almost at an age where she is "old" enough to make contact without her parents' involvement, tho I have no intentions of circumventing her mom on her 18th birthday. To be honest, I would like to have a relationship with her mom beyond that point, as I do value the relationship. It's time to write DD's birthday e-mail again, and initially I had no intention of doing anything other than that. However, there is a nagging wonder in the back of my head about whether DD did receive my card, and if she did, would she expect one this year? And here's where I'm second guessing myself. I really don't want to rehash it out with her mom, but I also don't want to risk disappointing DD if she was hoping I would send something. Part of me thinks that I should let it lie, the other part of me reminds me that this is a relationship for DD, and that in itself is worth the risk of another bump in the road, and I've set a precedent that I really should follow through on for her. See what happens when you think???? :grr: Any advice from you wise ladies out there?
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First - I'm going to need to know more about the lip gloss.
Second - I KNOW how hard it is picking out cards. I've had my fair share of breakdowns in a variety of stores (CVS, Hallmark, Vons, you name it) trying to find the "right" one. I know how emotionally taxing even the FIRST part of this process can be.....
Third - the emotional fallout side....I doubt that J would do the same thing that she did last year. As much as you think that YOU'VE grown, I've got to think that J has grown as well. I think that while she's comfortable as gatekeeper, she also is getting more used to the reality of the situation, including the impending reunion that could happen in another year (knowing you won't push it the day after M's 18th or anything but that she may be more interested at 18....or after graduation, etc.)
Having said all of that, you know that I will support you in WHATEVER you choose to do. :love:
I sent my bio-daughter a card through her amom and she never got it. She expressed how disappointed she was. I now just send cards directly to her, she is 18 and I asked her permission. I would send the card to her. If you sent it to her mom and her mom decides not to give it to her she might be pretty disappointed.
Blessings
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Thanks everyone. I wanted to know I took your advice, and I mentioned to her that I was sending something. I haven't heard back, which is a good thing (no news is good news, right?) I forgot how hard it is to pick out a card for someone you don't know! But since I couldn't choose between two, I bought them both (2 of each, of course) and I guess I have a head start on next year (ack!:arrow: ) I'll let ya know!!!:grouphug: Oh, TG, it was NYC brand tinted lip baum in Apple. Pretty, ymmy tasting, and under 3 bucks. My kind of find!
But there isn't anything to tell:grr: I sent the card out, with a small note that I was thinking of her too. Nothing. Not a "thanks for the birthday wishes" not a "what do you think you're trying to pull missy?" NOTHING. In a way that's worse because at least by her responding negatively she's being honest and RESPONDING. I know she's "so busy" and she's "always thinking of me" but after sending a heads up e-mail a week before, sending a card and then her actual b-day, you'd think somewhere she'd have been reminded to acknowledge it. It hurts. And I'm processing it, but in a way I'm not that surprised by her behavior. I didn't exactly have high hopes to begin with after three years of the same thing! Ah, it is what it is :rolleyes:
Oh Brown, I'm sorry!! I hope at least she gave it to DD (it would be nice to know, eh?). I know it's hard to see past what is going on with DD's amom and I am sure it is hard to continue to try to even make an effort with her at this point. But you HAVE tried and I think that is really important and will be really important to your DD.
I don't know what to tell you that I haven't already said......how do they turn us into such broken records???
It made me think of a situation with Husker (my roomie) tonight. He's dating this girl - and the other night she spend HOURS over here hanging out with him all the while responding to text messages she got. So yesterday he sent her a text and she never responded. Not all day. She said she was "busy" - she gave this whole list of stuff she was SOOOOOO busy with - grocery shopping, calling her Mom, doing homework. And yeah, those things take time. Sure. But SOOOOO much time that she couldn't shoot a quick, "hey babe, real busy, call you tomorrow" text? Doubtful. And when he called her on the fact that she always finds the time to text others when she's WITH him (and SHOULD be "busy") she blew up on him.....but I'm getting away from the point. She found the time to text the people she REALLY wanted to talk to, and she put Husker on the back burner.
And I've got to look at our emails the same way.....Sure, texts are even more simple, but I don't think I know anyone that's not on the computer, say, once a day? Every other day? At least ONCE A WEEK, right??? So while you're sitting there, probably with your email already open (!) can't you find, what? a minute? 30 seconds to type something real quick?
Which, like I said, I've said before......and I'll probably keep saying it until SOMEONE can explain it to me in a way that makes some iota of sense. :grr:
Thanks for the gloss info though. Maybe a Target trip will hit the spot......but I doubt it.
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I hear what you're saying Kathy....and I know that at work I've put an email or two on the back burner only to remember them a few days later. Once in a while, I get.
But repeatedly?
Consistently?
About bit stuff? (birthdays, visits, etc.)
I know where you're coming from, but personally, the emails that are REALLY important to me aren't those back burner ones. Again, that's all just me, and I can't speak to what other people do....but I think when it becomes a pattern and not a fluke, those explanations just don't hold as much water, you know?
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It's just plain hard. I know that when I'm swamped I have a bad habit of opening e-mails and forgetting to answer them. But they are always of the "shoot the breeze" variety. Stuff thats casual. I would never think to forget to respond to a message that was emotionally charged. Those I would make time for, if only because it means so much to the other person. Love, I would HOPE that she gave the card to DD. But I don't know, and like last year I might never know. But I'm trying to work it out :)