Advertisements
I am new to the forum and want to say I'm thankful you exist - I need some advice and hope perhaps those here can offer some from experience. I apologize in advance that this may be long!
My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship...he was dating a girl and she got pregnant and they decided to have the baby but not marry because they felt they would wind up divorced anyway. From the time the girl was born until the mother met the man she would marry, my husband supported her and spent a lot of time with his daughter, but he and the girl's mother dated others and eventually she met and married a man (whom she is still married to) and they asked my husband if he would allow this man to adopt the girl so that as they had children together, she and they would have the same last name and consistency of a single family unit growing up.
My husband agreed to this, he was young (mid-20's) and hadn't really been ready to be a dad, so when they approached him to allow the mom's new husband to adopt her, he did it because he felt it would be the best for his daughter.
His parents didn't agree and over the years maintained a relationship with her despite her mother's not being thrilled with the idea. As she entered her teen years she was somewhat rebellious against them (grandparents and parents) but nothing terribly troubling. At the repeated behest of his mother, my husband made various contacts with his daughter over the years - a couple of visits when he was in the state she lives, cards and some emails. As a teenager, she had no interest in getting to know him and in her own words, actively sought to marginalize him in her life - she didn't want to know him or about his life. This led her to a strained relationship with her grandparents that was on and off for years too.
My husband and I are together seven years and he told me straight out, early in our dating, about his daughter. When we married she was 14 years old and I pretty much knew at some point she'd want to learn more about him and maybe establish some kind of a relationship with him.
A couple of weeks ago, his mother invited her to come and visit her for a couple of weeks. His parents have a home nearby and also a home near where his daughter lives. His mother asked us if this was ok after-the-fact, so we didn't have any real say in her coming out, and quite frankly, it's her house, she can invite anyone she wants to visit her.
That really isn't the problem. The problem is that my husband's mother has this fantasy of them all reuniting and being one big happy family. My husband I talked about his daughter's visit and how it was a great opportunity for her to have her questions answered and that if she decided she'd like to have an on-going, growing relationship with him, that's great....but if she decides not to maintain a relationship, he's ok with that too.
The monkey-wrench in all of this is that we have a four year old who knows nothing about this girl. She is an adult and she and my husband had a chance to spend some time together on Saturday for about four hours - talking alone and then going to dinner together with his mother.
When he came home and I asked how it went, it was very obvious the visit went well, he was happy and excited by the prospect of the future...and wanted to introduce her to our son the next day.
Prior to the visit, we discussed this extensively and decided that we'd not introduce our son until the two of them had time to get to know each other and then move forward maintaining a relationship. Basically there was no benefit we could see to introducing her to our son until there was an on-going commitment by both her and my husband...we'd agreed that introducing now was premature since they both were just getting to know each other and she might decide, after meeting him and having time to digest it all, that she didn't really want to have an ongoing relationship, she'd had her questions answered.
My husband on Saturday night was unable to see this any longer and it was now important the two meet even though he could not articulate how it would be beneficial for our son. As a couple, we rarely disagree or fight, but this turned into quite a verbal match, which surprised me....every rely he made was, IMO for selfish reasons - to sooth his guilt, to make amends to her, to ease his mother's mind, etc. He couldn't articulate one good reason to introduce this girl to my son and wouldn't listen to reason that I am not saying "never" - I'm saying let's take this slowly and see how things unfold....when the time is right, it will happen and I don't think the time is right, right now.....she's here for two weeks, she's not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere - spend the time together and see how things progress, let's not ring a bell we can't unring.
My main worry is that my son gets attached to people he likes and if this girl does decide that she does not wish to maintain an ongoing relationship with her father, my son is then - at 4 - left to wonder what he did that his sister doesn't come around, see him or stay in touch with him.
Before she visited, she wrote my husband a very long and thoughtful email, expressing many feelings and fears and was quite frank that she saw them as strangers and this was not a reunion of good old friends. That she wanted time to get to know him, wanted her space and didn't want to take things too quickly. She also said it kind of freaked her out knowing she had a little brother out there and would like to meet him at some point, but didn't want to confuse him.
Now, Saturday somehow all of that changed. On Saturday, before we went to bed, we finally agreed again to take things slowly. I offered to be the heavy in this - blame me, whatever - but yesterday morning, as my husband was getting ready to go over to see his mother and daughter, he said he was going to explain that this was our decision and that it's better to take this slowly. That at some point our son would be introduced, but right now is premature.
He returned within an hour of leaving, totally upset and said his mom and daughter were distraught, crying, emotionally a wreck, etc. That it was unfair to them to not introduce him blah-blah-blah. I asked him if he wanted me to go over and talk to them and he said yes, so I did.
They were there, crying and comforting each other....after introducing myself to his daughter (very awkward way to meet) we started talking and I learned why this is so crazy-important. His mother was apparently abandon at various points in her life by her parents, who split shortly after she was born. Her mother sent to live in a convent for a few years and when my husband's mother was older and sought out her father, his new wife wanted nothing to do with her and refused to allow them a relationship.
I realized the rats-nest I'd walked into and gently asked my MIL what she thought her father should have done....and was told he had a responsibility to stand up to his wife, she was his daughter and tell her that he was going to have a relationship with her and that their children would know their sister.
Imagine - my MIL in a similar situation as her grand-daughter, now projecting her fears and fantasy on this situation. I realized she's placed my husband into the role of her father and is the one pushing this to play out exactly as she wished it played out in her own life.
No matter how I tried to present this as not being the same and that we haven't said no to the idea of introducing the two, we do want to take this slowly...she'd hear nothing of it, it was an introduction now, there was no compromise here, her son owed it to his daughter to step up. All the while the girl is sitting there, listening to gramma talk about how he abandon her, how he didn't want her and how he must make up for that.
I was sickened to say the least. No child, adult or young, she have to listen to cruel descriptions of their adoption, whether true or not. In this case it is a half-truth - he didn't want to be a dad when she was born, but he also was until she was adopted and didn't shirk that responsibility at all.
When she spoke to me, it was obvious that MIL has told her things about me and her perception of how she thinks we'd get along or not. MIL tried to do this to me a few months ago by telling me she didn't think I'd get along with her, but I stopped her and said I like to make up my own mind about people. But once this girl started in on me, it was obvious she'd been given a perception of me and that's what she's basing her opinion of me on. Oh well.
Anyway what started as an amicable discussion soon turned to MIL screaming at me about how I'm cruel and my rejection of her grand-daughter is unacceptable (at this point the girl ran off to be by herself) - I refused to scream back or yell at MIL, but was quite offended and told her so, when she declared that if her grand-daugher isn't going to be invited to our home to meet our son (her grandson) then she's not coming over to see him - "if she's not welcome, neither am I"....I told her that was her perogative, but I hadn't ever said she was not welcome, nor did I appreciate she trying to make my son a pawn in this....if she didn't want to visit him, that was her loss....but I wasn't going to be bullied into making an introduction prematurely....and I left.
When I got home, I explained what happened to my husband and said I didn't know how to make the situation better - it's an all or nothing for his mother and when you go all in, you have to realize you might lose....his mom was placing HIM in an unfair position, using emotional warfare against him to manipulate him and get him to play the role of her father and do what she thought he should have done. I let him know what she said and that I wasn't going to play this game with her.....it's unhealthy to have her creating a triangle with him and his daughter and that it's now at a toxic level....with her tainting this due to her own experiences and not letting this be about them - my husband and his daughter.
He's not happy, he's worried that his daughter is seeing this as another rejection and is still begging that I allow him to introduce our son to her. At this point, given the absolute craziness underlying my MIL in this, I can't agree to it....the raw emotion is palpable in my MIL and she truly believes my son absolutely, at four, deserves to know he has a sister!
I talked to my FIL last night and he basically said he thinks I am being reasonable and that my MIL is quite emotional in this.....but to stand my ground, he'll work on reasoning with her and his grand-daughter (he's in their other house and didn't come for the visit). My husband is totally a wreck with this and says he knows I'm being rational here, but can't see the harm introducing them. My best friend, who is both adopted and gave a child up for adoption, whom she's now met when he turned 20, talked to my husband last night and basically said she thought introducing our son (her godson) is premature - that in time we should do it, but right now it's the right time....that he should use this time as the opportunity for he and his daugher to get to know each other, let her go home and digest it all and then see if she even wants to maintain a relationship.
I am so stressed because I don't like seeing my husband in this position - his mother is placing a wedge between us and I feel like he's between a rock and a hard place - a catch 22, no matter what he does, he angers or disappoints someone he loves.
I need some advice here.....any thoughts are appreciated!
Like
Share
WOW - I am so sorry for your heartache. I can't even imagine being in your position. I really don't have any advice either..........I just wanted to tell you that I think you handled the situation amazingly. I agree with the fact it is too early for introductions.......your MIL is way out of line and she should be on the sidelines rather than deciding what is best for these children - that's YOUR job - not hers!!!!! Your husbands daughter is much older than your son.......old enough to decide things for herself - your son is NOT......it is YOUR job to decide what's best for him and the family should honor that! Good luck.
Advertisements
in MHO, you are doing exactly as most any of us mothers would do. I have no concrete advise, for this is more than being about your husbands child he relinquished. However, I do feel, if it were I, I too, would hold on meeting my 4 yr. ld son. He is young, and he has only his parents to protect and guide him. Children deserve stability, and consistency, of which is your only goal. I hope you can continue doing as you are, and somehow get DH, to see this really isn't about the grown daughter or MIL, but about your toddler son. DH is being pulled from all sides, but the one whom needs him the most is, your 4 yr. old son. Maybe by the time the daughter is ready to leave at the end of 2 weeks, you can feel that it is okay for your son to say good-bye, as if it were any other relative from afar. This may give grown daughter more incentive to want to be a part of her fathers family. Again this is your call, and you know what is best. My heart along, with best wishes is with you...Blessings, C.J.:cheer:
It's killing me to see my husband so torn by this. I know and have known for a long time that he, I guess you could say *regrets* giving his daugher up for adoption, but at the same time knows, intellectually, that it was a decision made with good intentions.
I had no idea about the underlying, deeply emotional scars, affecting his mother. I knew from her telling me about her mother that she spent time in a convent and spent time with cousins and spent some time with her mother...and that her father wasn't part of her growing up, he'd left shortly after she was born. I had no idea she tried to establish a relationship with him or that she had half-siblings - it never came up in conversations and I just figured much of her pathology was due to her very strained and difficult relationship with her mother.
I've known for a long time that MIL has a fantasy of my husband reuniting with his daugher and we all being a big happy family. She's been quite offended that I don't see him as her grand-daugher's "daddy"....and she liberally calls him that.....She has said if tehy could all get together and be happy as a family it is "making her whole again"....so for her this is critically important, and it was her that pushed this reunion now. In the couple of weeks since she told us she'd invited my husband's daughter out for a visit, he's shared with me emails from his mother and his daughter so I could understand things better.
For one thing my MIL lied about how the invite came to be - she told DH that his daughter begged to come during a visit and that she'd said yes....she told me that the girl asked after seeing pictures of the house here and wanted to come out to help with picking paint colors for the rooms.....yet the girl said, in an email forwarded by MIL to DH that she needed the "push" and "yes, I'll come".....so to me that shows that MIL invited/pushed her to come here, it was not a reunion idea initated by his daughter. And that's OK...sometimes people need a little push - but now that I have more understanding of the underlying issues in my MIL, I am seeing a much bigger agenda on her part and that's worrisome to me.
The last couple of days I've felt like I'm banging my head on a wall - that somehow no one seems to "get" that I'm not saying NO.....I'm asking we take this slowly and be sure that his daughter really wants to have an ongoing relationship before we introduce her, as sister or not, to our son. He doesn't need the confusion or even have a concept that his dad had a child that he didn't stick around for......geez, he's four and if and when it's definite that his daugher wants to maintain a relationship, I truly am supportive of that and we'll introduce our son to her.
I just feel like my MIL is really manipulating this all right now and trying her darndest to make her fantasy become reality at all cost.....she can't see how this might be premature for our son and won't listen to reason. I seriously feel bad for my husband - my MIL is quite dramatic and emotional and he's in a horrible position right now.
But...I'm grateful for the replies so far....I want to do the right thing and I want to be as supportive and do whatever I can to make this reunion go well, but my MIL pathology scares the bejeebers out of me right now - it's playing out that this isn't just about DH and his daughter, but about her.....and I hate seeing her manipulate and emotionally abuse everyone involved right now and won't let her drag my son into this.
I guess I'm wondering how to get this back on track that this is about my husband and his daughter and get my MIL from interfering further than she already has? Does anyone have any ideas on how to approach this to make it a win-win so that the next two weeks can be the opportunity for my husband and his daughter to get to know each other?
Wow, MIL has really put you in the position of scapegoat, hasn't she? This is a decision that needs to be made between you and your husband, NOT your MIL, or anyone else. I am wondering why it is you standing up to her, though, and not your husband (or the two of you as a united front)? I really think he needs to be the one to tell her the decision is his and yours to make and she needs to stay out of it and then stick to that. If you refuse to discuss it and refuse to play along, she cannot make you do anything.
As far as introducing your 4 year old, when you decide to do so, I think it should be done with as little "fanfare" as possible. Maybe just start talking about her here and there, show him her picture, and get him used to the idea of having a sister. It will all be pretty abstract for him, but I would let him sort of "grow up" knowing about her, even if it is in a vague sense. He certainly doesn't need to know all the details about everything. I would also say, even if your husband and his daughter do not build a close, solid relationship, I'd still tell your son about his sister. Having it be a secret is not good and eventually, it will come out anyway. But I do agree with going slowly and just having it be a natural thing rather than a big hoopla and drama about it.
Right now, though, it seems like it might be best for your husband and his daughter to develop their own relationship, independent from the extended family drama. Then just ease your son into it as you go along.
I found my birthson when he was 21 and my girls were 4 and 2!
I told them then that they have a brother. We have had one ftf (we live like 6000 miles apart, so it getting together often is not an option).
I think it's actually been going quite ok. It is an abstract concept to them.
Your situation is different and complex, I get that! BUT I would consider talking about his sister in a light way and I would consider introducing them..
I just think that from what I've read and experienced, growing up with lies or hidden truths doesn't benefit anyone.
I understand that you don't know what role she's going to play in your life, but treating her like any other distant relative might make it easier for him not to get too attached too quickly.
But that's just my idea!
Advertisements
I agree with Quantum. I know your situation is complex and emotions run high. I have a tendency to overthink things but have found that sometimes the simplest way is the best. Kids tend to pick up on adults feelings so easily. So maybe just treating it matter of factly (I know how hard that is to do) would make it all seem just like a natural matter. That way if your son's sister isn't in the picture very much - it won't be a big deal. kids are very resilient too. While we are thinking "Oh, what should I do" and worrying about all of the ramifications of something, your son will just see a young woman who happens to be his sister. You can keep any explanations to a minimum.
I agree with Snuffy. In my own experience in reunions with both bio parents and family, it's only as big a deal as a person makes it. Meeting extended bio family and bio siblings was not nearly as big a deal to them as it was to my bio parents, or what my bio parents thought it would be. For most of my bio extended family and my siblings, I'm just a person, who happens to be biologically related. Some relationships developed and some didn't.
Again, speaking from my own experience, I would encourage your husband to keep the relationship between he and his daughter. Your MIL controling, and manipulating things will destroy any chance he has of ever building a good, healthy relationship with his daughter. IMO, and again, speaking from my own experience, if your husband allows others to interfere, whether intentional or not, before he establishes some sort of trust, comfort, and security in his relationship with his daughter, the chance for success is greatly diminished.
As pathalogically crazy as your MIL is acting, she is, IMO, right in regards to your husband taking responsibility for his daughter. Not in the way your MIL wants but responsibility for the relationship, meaning he has to be the one to communicate with his daughter, explain things to her, be honest and mature. He is the one who is responsible for explaining to his daughter his reasons and feelings in regards to his actions. IMO, He should have been the one to talk to his daughter, not you. He is the one who needs to stand up to your MIL. If he doesn't hee risk your MIL ruining any chance of a successful reunion with his daughter. IMO, bottom line, he has to stop trying to make everyone happy and do what is best for his son and his daughter. If left between he and his daughter, there is an extremely good chance they will get to know each other and build a good relationship on their own without help from MIL. If MIL insist on forcing a relationship on them, there is an extremely good chance the relationship will completely blow up and be beyond repair. I'm sure no one wants that, but your husband is the only one who can keep that from happening. This reunion stuff is hard enough with out outside interference from others.
Interference from others and my Bdad not standing up for himself, being honest with me about his feelings and wants, , is the sort of thing that caused my, own, reunion with my bio dad to fail. I don't want to see this happen to anyone else. I wish you all the best of luck.
Wrote a long reply to this the other day, the computer ate it somehow. I have experience with step-parenting (non-related families suddenly needing some sort of relationships), foster parenting, watching other families deal with similar. Wish I had a dime for every crazy "so important right now" extended family fiasco I'd been involved in. They don't seem so important later, thankfully.
I think MIL is waaaay out of line. Agree with you -- no 4-year-old child should be rushed into meeting someone like this. "Daddy has another child" is a big thing. It's not something to force on a 4-year-old overnight. There's no research, no parenting advice that would suggest that is a good idea.
Agree with you that MIL is completely identified with the daughter -- reliving her past through this situation. She probably literally feels she will die if this doesn't go as quickly as she wants. Which might be an interesting point to make out loud. Is anyone going to die if the half-siblings don't meet for 3 years? If they don't meet for 6 months? Of course not.
The idea of making *anything* else more important than your husband and his daughter having a chance to get to know each other is just way too much to be focusing on now.
Further, I wonder if it's any accident that FIL decided not to be in town for this. Your MIL sounds pretty hysterical about it. Would your FIL be a good support for your husband to talk to? No doubt they've dealt with similar behavior from her before.
What if you asked the dtr to do something she'd like to do while in the area, just the two of you? Then you'd have a direct relationship with her, separate from triangulation from the MIL. Just some thoughts.
snuffie
I agree with Quantum. I know your situation is complex and emotions run high. I have a tendency to overthink things but have found that sometimes the simplest way is the best. Kids tend to pick up on adults feelings so easily. So maybe just treating it matter of factly (I know how hard that is to do) would make it all seem just like a natural matter. That way if your son's sister isn't in the picture very much - it won't be a big deal. kids are very resilient too. While we are thinking "Oh, what should I do" and worrying about all of the ramifications of something, your son will just see a young woman who happens to be his sister. You can keep any explanations to a minimum.
Advertisements
I feel bad that the drama infused in this situation is taking over what can be a wonderful thing. Your MIL has some issues and that is really sad. But things need to be sepertated peice by peice. Your MIL can not be invovled in this point with your husbands decsions. If she wants to have a reationship with her grandaughter, just as she has a reationship with your son, its the same thing...then she can. But to infuse her feelings if pain is wrong to her grandaughter. Its her grandaughter that is absorbing everyone eles dysfuanction. Your husbands realtionship with his daughter is just that..HIS realtionship with his daughter and it needs to be respected and given the space and time it needs. Now, my question is this? What is wrong with his daughter that she can not meet your son....does she have 2 heads? Is she packing? HOW in heavens name could a person who just happen to be your husbands child hurt his other child? He is 4 years old..to just have them meet is no big deal. To have him know she exists will not hurt him. There will not be(I suspect) a huge realtionship that will be lost if she fades out of the picture.....He is 4 and she is a young adult.....He is going to have realtionships that come and go for his whole life, teachers, babsitters, cousins ect...you would not question that why question this one.....Does she scare YOU being in the picture?Based upon what I am reading it sounds like this young lady is trying to keep things calm and is being hit with gmother, father, and father wifes problems? Why???? Like I asked before does everyone need to be protected from HER???? Because through no choice of her own she was born to another mother? WOW...I would love to see her post here and see how she feels?