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I haven't posted much on this web site in a while, but I have gotten on and read a lot from all in the triad.
I had emailed my daughter through what I thought was a good email avenue 3 times since last October.
Last night I finally got the courage to call her adoptive mom and talked with her. She took my name, phone number, and email address and said she'd contact my birth daughter (who is now 38 years old).
Anyway, when I got to work today and opened my email, there it was ..... THE FIRST LETTER FROM HER! She said she was shocked to hear I was looking for her, but pleasantly surprised. She said she cried after she hung up the phone last night with her mom. She asked me to write back to tell he a few things about me, wanted me to attach a picture, and also said she is looking forward to talking with me soon and entered her cell phone number.
God is good :cheer:
I did respond by sending her an email today a few hours ago and did include a couple of pictures so she could see if there was a resemblance.
Not sure what's next. But I wanted to share this with all of you in this site. It has been very educational and emotional for me since I got my daughter's adoptive name last October, 2008. I am glad I did not get a response then as I know now that I was not prepared. Not that you can ever really be prepared, but I did need to educate myself somewhat on how complex adoption really is, read points of views from adoptees, adoptive moms, and also birth moms.
Thank you to all who have read and/or responded to any of my posts. Will keep everyone posted.
God bless,
Humbird :flower:
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I first want to thank everyone for their comments. You are all appreciated very much. :grouphug:
Update - It's been a little over a week since my first email from my daughter. We have emailed back and forth, and will soon be talking on the phone with one another. I'm a little nervous about that. It's hard for my mind to connect giving birth to a "baby" and now seeing pictures of a 38-yr-old woman. I have never been able to have more children so have never been a "mom." I am not sure if I know how to "act."
Her aMom has been great. She asked for my home address and is going to send pictures of my daughter, starting of course when she was young. What a blessing.
I never expected the acceptance I am receiving from my daughter and her amom. They are both very kind.
I expect to be talking with my daughter before the end of this week. Will let you know how it goes.
Thanks again for all comments. :thanks:
Humbird :flower:
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Wow! That's great!
I wouldn't worry too much about being a 'mom'. Although I must say I was really surprised how the reunion with my son has gone. He has two other moms in his life- amom and a stepmom. I've just been myself, tried not to be too momish. BUT sometimes I definately get the feeling that he wants me to take that roll in certain aspects of our relationship.
It's weird!
Have fun in your next step!!
:cheer:
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quantum
BUT sometimes I definately get the feeling that he wants me to take that roll in certain aspects of our relationship.It's weird!
Each adoptee is different and I would not want to speak for your daughter, but there are feelings the adoptee experiences when reconnecting with the natural mother that draw us to her. I was 39 when I reunited and feelings arose that I never expected.
It may be "weird" to some bio moms, but I would encourage you to read some books from the adoptee perspective, so if your daughter shows signs of acting this way, you understand where it is coming from.
Just like many adoptees try to understand why we were left by our bio families, it would is very beneficial for bio moms to try to understand the adoptee side of things . If you educate yourself, you will not think it "weird", but rather you can understand and act accordingly.
It is natural for the adoptee to experience feelings of attachment to the bio mom, as we have never had this experience before. People who are not adopted, can not understand this, and that includes bio moms. Most of you were raised by your biological mothers.
If your daughter does reach out to you in ways which make you think she wants you to "mother" her, it is probably from a place that needs assurance that she is loved. Being abandoned by your bio mom can leave big holes of insecurity, that at times, need "mothering" and reassurance.
It helps when the bio mom understands where these issues and feelings are coming from. I am sure it will help move your relationship forward.
Good luck!
Kim
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SuddenlySusan
Congratulations, HumBird! It probably is good that you had some time to prepare for this journey. I'm so happy for you. And, don't forget to breathe...
Best wishes,
Susan
Thank you Susan - I will remember to breathe when things appear overwhelming. Received email last night. My daughter is off of work Friday, Sat. and Sunday. I emailed her back and asked which one of those days, and also time of day, would work best for her to have our first phone conversation. She will respond today via email. I am surprised that she wants phone contact so soon after hearing of me. I thought she would have wanted to feel comfortable with emails for awhile so she could get to know me better, rather than just jumping right in. Some of what I have read about reunions is scary in that I don't want things to "rush" forward - I am afraid of moving too quickly and ruining reunion. But her first email to me included her phone number and she ended her email by saying, "Looking forward to talking soon." So I will make the call. AND, I'LL REMEMBER TO BREATHE...... :eek:
I will keep in touch on this site. Thank you again to everyone here.
Humbird :flower:
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[QUOTE=austin0i]Each adoptee is different and I would not want to speak for your daughter, but there are feelings the adoptee experiences when reconnecting with the natural mother that draw us to her. I was 39 when I reunited and feelings arose that I never expected.[QUOTE]
I would really like to understand as much as possible before my first meeting with my daughter. Can you recommend any books about this? Thank you :thanks:
Very appreciated.
Humbird :flower:
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Hi Humbird,
First, I would recommend The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide
[url=http://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Reunion-Survival-Guide-Preparing/dp/1572242280/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246883510&sr=8-1]Amazon.com: The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search, Reunion, and Beyond: Julie Jarrell Bailey, Lynn N. Giddens: Books[/url]
Also, for understanding the perspective of the adoptee, I would recommend Journey Of The Adopted Self: A Quest For Wholeness.
[url=http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Adopted-Self-Quest-Wholeness/dp/0465036759/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246883605&sr=1-3]Amazon.com: Journey Of The Adopted Self: A Quest For Wholeness: Betty Jean Lifton: Books[/url]
When I prepared for reunion, I read the Girls that Went Away, in an attempt to understand the birthmother side of things. It really helped me so much to try and see things from the “other side”
I wish you and your daughter all the best in your journey. If you find yourself needed perspective from the “other side”, feel free to email me and we can talk. I would love to help in any way I can
All the best
Kim
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Hi everyone -
Since my first contact (June 22, 2009) via email with my daughter, we have emailed each other often (almost daily). We have also talked on the phone several times. We are making plans on meeting for the FIRST time 8/22/09 (her 39th birthday). She wanted to meet on her birthday! I am thrilled, but at the same time nervous about it.
I've had several ideas on gifts for my daughter, but wanted to ask opinions of others about this. Any ideas, anyone ????
Please comment - anyone
Thanks you and God bless
humbird :flower:
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I am adopted (almost 41) and not reunited. I would love to have something from my bmom showing me how her life was, pics throughout her life etc. Maybe a letter about how she grew up and what she's been up to after my birth.
I wouldn't care if she brought anything, the gift of getting to know her would be enough.
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Pictures of you at different ages...that to me would be the best present ever...plus of course a picture of both you and her taken on her 39!
Kind regards,
Dickons
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I also think a collection of photographs is a great idea. They could be a lovely gift if you have time to arrange them in a special album with comments. (If you happen to have old movies or videos of you and your family, it would be nice if you could eventually make copies of those as well.)
If you have the computer skills, you could make a compilation of music on CD that has meant a lot to you over the years as a bmom -- songs about a mother's love, songs about yearning or missing someone, etc.
If you are artistic or crafty, any hand-made item would be very appreciated.
A store-bought knick-knack could also be nice if it reflects you (an angel, hummingbird, etc.?) -- with the sentiment that you hope she thinks of you when she sees it.
Best of wishes for a wonderful reunion with your daughter!!!
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Humbird, you must be "over the moon" right now. Enjoy every single minute, and maybe start a journal of this special time.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Soprano
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