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[FONT="Palatino Linotype"]Hi
I just need to vent and some get advice...I recently found my daughter after 11 years on myspace. She is 17 years old now and the foster parents changed her birth name but I found her. It was a cut throat deal because I was not knowledgeable of the adoption laws back then.
Today, I know her foster parents railroaded me. They have eight other foster children also. I had to serve 5 years and I was pregnant with my now 17 year old. I just wanted to be able to see her and and kept account of her upbringing. The foster parents said they would and after seeing her about 3-4 times then they vanished. I thought I agreed to an open adoption where as though I still got to see my baby. Well It did not go like that and for many years I cried because I did not konw If my baby was dead or alive.
Recently, I texted her on myspace and she talk to me like she doesn't care about me. How do I deal with that? She want answers but is affraid to see me because she stated to her brother that she has a terrible temper. So I stopped corrosponding with her because I felt disrespected. I am between a rock and a heartache.
I am 40. Her sibblings are 10,21,22.
Please give me some advice because I want to see my daughter face to face plus answer her 10000 questions. I just do not want her foster parents their, because I know my temper. I know they lied to her. Why they cahnge her name? After all these years, how could they do this to me??? She did ask me...was it my choice to give her up? How do I answer that? How do I deal with her smart mouth and comments?[/FONT]
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I know for my daughter, her main issue with her birth mom is WHY she ever ended up in foster care to begin with. She wants that question answered someday when she is older. I really think she wants an apology but I don't know how much that relates to your daughter and her situation. I'm sorry that you weren't given the open adoption you were promised. If they are foster parents, it is out of their hand and the state makes that decision. If they adopted her, and changed her name, then they have to answer for that. I know in our case, we were open to a grandfather until my daughter wanted to stop visits. I still talk to him and send pictures but have to honor her wishes. All of this is hard for the children. Your daughter is still a child at 17. In my opinion, let her know that you love her, you never stopped and you think of her daily. It is all about unconditional love.
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Thank you for the advice...I really appreciate all you've shared but a lot of lies was told and my daughter won't give me a chance...I felt the need to just step back and let her sibblings build a relationship with her. I have comfort within myself and the lord for allowing me to find her after all these years. So I just continue to trust in GOD and prayerfully doors will continue to open right.
Thanx Kathy, but I just do not know what to say or do for this child of mine!!!She makes me feel that I am on trial all over again. Mind you, we talking 1992 when I had to give my baby up and serve my time. I got out in 1997 and was promised a lie. I wish I could have gotten It notorized but I wasn't as knowledeable as I am now of the adoption law.So today I just hear what my sons say she said and deal with It that way. Do you think her foster parents should be their when we meet?
pswelsh40
Do you think her foster parents should be their when we meet?
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We've adopted two sibling pairs. Both were open, going into the relationship. One was closed a few years ago, bc the kids' bmother's behavior was hurting the kids.
Perhaps your bd's parents thought that you were in some way hurting their dd. I don't know what you were imprisoned for, but if it was bc of drugs or violence, I would also be hesitant to keep an open adoption, until you proved to us that our child wasn't going to be exposed to very unhealthy behaviors.
I don't want to sound mean, but I'm helping you to see things from your bd's parents' perspective.
BTW, one of my kids' bmothers was in legal trouble for burning her car and insurance fraud. I didn't stop visitations just for that. Now, if she continued bringing her pedophile boyfriend to the visits, the visits would have ended!
I am sorry that you are in pain, truly, it sounds as if it has almost been harder on you to find her than not. I hope you can find comfort in knowing she is healthy and living fully as a typical teen. As for what to do, I strongly suggest nothing. She is 17. I don't think you should have any contact with her at all without going to her parents and getting their permission first. If you don't want to do that, then I think you must wait at least until she is 18, and then if she is still in high school, until she has graduated--she needs to focus on school and college plans and she won't be able to do that if there is any drama at all around reunion. Good luck. I hope with time you will find some measure of relationship with her that helps you feel more at peace with the situation.
First: foster parents don't have many "rights". Kids are wards of the state when they're in foster care. they can't stop or start visits nor can they change names. If the parents adopted the child, then they become parents. They use their discretion for visits. For the record, my 2 youngest changed their names. I told them they could and the oldest changed his whole name while the youngest kept his original middle name. I'm sorry if you were lied to but it's possible the parents are watching out for the kids.
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pswelsh40,The users on this forum have posted in a respectful and kind manner, trying to give you advice and insight into a situation you are clearly upset about and in return, you have been rude and disrespectful. I'm not sure if you took the time to read our Forum Rules here, but they are clear - posts like the ones you've made here are out of line. You need to take a few minutes to step back and figure out if what you really want is advice or categorical agreement - because often, those are two very different things.If you can’t follow our rules and post in a kind and respectful manner, then you’ll lose your ability to post here at all. Our users go out of their way to provide support, advice and insight to posters who need just that. Sometimes, that information is hard to read – but your responses are out of line.
pswelsh40
Thank you for the advice...It's like I can not get back in the groove of my life...My blood pressure has been up lately and I am a terrible reck now that I found her. I never was good handling rejection situations!
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Thanx kathy!
kakuehl
I laughed when I read the line about your blood pressure. I raised two children with my husband. My blood pressure was first diagnosed as high the DAY my then 16 year old son passed his driver's license. (He was 33 on Monday the 7th and it hasn't gone down yet!)
That said, I don't know many (not sure I know any) people who handle rejection easily. It hurts! Take some deep breathes (good for bp) and recognize that you daughter can now find you when she is ready. (Waiting is hard I know.)