Advertisements
I have an adopted child that happens to be from a Jewish birth mother. We are conservatives Jews, extremely proud of our heritage, but have never pressed our child about observances. We expected him to go along with our style without objection. From a very early age, he rejected all aspects of Judaism. He went to Hebrew School and hated it, even had a Bar Mitzvah and hated every minute of the preparation. He will no longer go into a synagogue and will not join the family for any family observances. He claims to be no religion and yet he is a very spiritual person. It is very hurtful to have this rejection, since Judaism is a big part of my life. He thinks anyone who is a slave to religion is crazy. I have tried to reason with him and show him that I am NOT a religions person,,but I am more of a secular Jew that will never reject my history or my ancestors. He stays away more and more, especially at all holiday times. Any suggestions....of course I give him 'space' but he is an adult now and it is very childlike.
Like
Share
Advertisements
The Jewish issue is not the real issue that drives this conflict but simply the manifestation of the adoptees solution to a problem. One must get to the root of the issue to solve the problem. Too often we as parents focus on the behavior itself and dont see it as the childs solution to a problem. Asking the right questions in a non judgemental way can help the child express his true feelings which even he may not be aware of.
sheila512
Thanks to all of you for your support. I am afraid, no resigned to the fact that neither of my adopted kids will ever even passively embrace their religion. IT is more of an adoption issue than a Jewish issue, but they have felt the need to reject everything Jewish, even to refusing to live anywhere near the jewish community. The most hurtful part is that they do not respect my involvement in the Jewish community. Live is too short to dwell as I have other fish to fry, like a sick husband. Thank you again for all of your ideas and support. sheila
sheila512
Thanks to all of you for your support. I am afraid, no resigned to the fact that neither of my adopted kids will ever even passively embrace their religion. IT is more of an adoption issue than a Jewish issue, but they have felt the need to reject everything Jewish, even to refusing to live anywhere near the jewish community. The most hurtful part is that they do not respect my involvement in the Jewish community. Live is too short to dwell as I have other fish to fry, like a sick husband. Thank you again for all of your ideas and support. sheila
Advertisements
People have to find their own way in their own time. You've given him the education; later it may make more sense. It may be that something about the specific school, rabbi, etc. puts him off. There are many different styles of synagogues even within the same larger group. Each congregation has its own personality. I have been at home in some, not so much in others. He may find an appropriate "home" on his own eventually. I recently moved to another city and was officially welcomed by a salesperson, of all things, who gave the low-down on local congregations, etc. based on our name. It was what is supposed to happen, but never does. You never know who or what might help him find his place.
portlowski
In my case, I went to church (not evangelical) and I spent most of my teenage years complaining about it and arguing with my Sunday school tecahers about why religion is "dumb". After a bout of athieism and even being a Wiccan (don't ask!) I have become interested in finding a church home again. As a child, my church provided a great sense of community and purpose. .
Without knowing your son, I can't be sure if he is rejecting Judaism for adoption reasons or other reasons, but if he is like many adopted children, it is possible that he has some unresolved conflicts in his mind regarding his birthparents, which are affecting his views about Judaism.
We do not know anything about my daughter's birth family, as she was one of China's abandoned baby girls. I wish we knew more. But I do know that, ever since my daughter was old enough to understand about reproduction, she was angry that her birthparents brought a child into the world, only to abandon her. She once said that her birthparents should have used contraception, or had an abortion, because it would have been better never to have lived, than to have been born and abandoned. She is normally a pretty happy, well balanced person, but there's no doubt in my mind that there's a lot of anger , or at least very mixed feelings, deep down inside her, with regard to her birthparents. She does not want to explore her feelings with a therapist at this time, but I hope she will in the future, so that she will find peace.
If your son has mixed or angry feelings about his birthparents, it wouldn't surprise me if, consciously or otherwise, these feelings are coloring his perceptions of "their" religion. If he is angry at his birthparents, he may also feel angry at himself, because he comes from their flesh, and because they gave him his Jewishness. As a result, he may feel that he must reject everything about himself that comes from them, and since they were Jewish, he's going to reject his Jewishness.
Your son may also have some resentment, at times, that he had to lose his birthparents and be adopted by you. It's not uncommon for some children, particularly those a bit slow to mature, to feel as though they were stolen from their birthfamilies, as irrational as that may be. Especially if they are having a hard time with adolescence and such, it's easy to have a fantasy that life would have been good if they had lived with their birth families, and that, if you hadn't come along, maybe the adoption wouldn't have happened, or whatever. One way to reject you is to fall back on the child's perception that, "My REAL mother wouldn't have...." In his case, maybe he's saying, "My REAL mother wouldn't have made me go to Hebrew School. My REAL mother wouldn't have made me have a Bar Mitzvah." On some level, he probably knows that YOU are his REAL mother, but he doesn't want it because he needs to have the fantasy that he would be happier if he were with his birthparents.
I would encourage you to keep lines of communication open. It is quite possible that his feelings are not adoption related, and that he simply doesn't feel connected to Judaism at this point in his life. If he is legally an adult, you can't MAKE him feel or act Jewish. But you can always make him feel that he is your son, and that while you wish you had been able to convey to him why you love being Jewish, you want him to find a life that makes him happy, that follows the "big picture" values you tried to teach him, like doing kind things for others, and that doesn't cut you out of it.
If he doesn't get angry with you, try to talk with him about his feelings about his birthparents, and whether they are connected to his feelings about Judaism. If he seems to have false notions about life with his birthparents, and he has never had contact with them, perhaps it might be a good idea to let him know more about his adoption story, to meet his birthparents, and so on.
If he rejects Judaism, but seems drawn to other religions, encourage him to visit other faith communities. Talk with him about how rational it is that people of many different cultures, all over the world, have chosen to believe in a Higher Power, to have rituals and ceremonies, to celebrate birth and other life cycle events in special ways, and so on. They do these things because they realize that these things are real and true, because they help individuals cope with things like loss and grief, because they help societies organize themselves and set rules for behavior, and so on. Tell him that all religions are valid, but that you have chosen Judaism, just as Abraham chose Judaism, because it seems right for you. Hopefully, he will find a path that's right for him.
Above all, love your son. He may come to decisions about life that are different from yours, but don't sit shivah for him. He may also come back to the Jewish faith, if you can help him find self-acceptance. You've done a good job, I'm sure. Don't beat yourself up and wonder what you've done wrong, that your son is rejecting Judaism. Think about how you can help him find meaning in his life, and happiness.
Sharon
Advertisements
I agree with sak that his rejection of Judaism may be a more generalized rejection of his birth parents. Unfortunately, because his adoptive mom is Jewish as well, he may identify you with his birthmother in a certain way.
In one of the adoption conferences I attended, I met a very nice Chinese lady. She had adopted a daughter from China. The daughter was adopted as a baby and did not have any conscious memories from China. This lady told me how angry her now 10 year old daughter was and how much she tormented and rejected her adoptive mother. The daughter's anger appeared exacerbated by the fact that the adoptive mother had the same heritage as the birthmother.
Subconscious anger in adopted children may be very strong, even when they know consciously that there is no rational base for that anger. I have adopted a 7 year old from China. I work diligently to keep his birth culture and language alive, sending him to Chinese after school, and being a part of our predominantly Asian neighborhood. While he readily accepted Judaism, he mostly rejects his Chinese heritage and grouses over his Chinese school. It is getting better but still ... :rolleyes: He is still angry about his birthmother who, as he says it, "just dumped" him at a Chinese orphanage. :( I explained to him that abandoning him saved his life because he has a potentially life threatening medical condition which his birthparents were in no position to care for. Although he rationally knows that his abandonment was ultimately an act of love, subconsciously he still harbors anger. I am certain that as he becomes an adult, he will gain a different perspective but for now, he is not mature enough to understand all the aspects that led to his adoption.
Your son may still struggle with feelings that he cannot verbalize, and the only way he may express it is by rejecting his heritage. My son was in therapy to help him to come to terms with his years at a Chinese orphanage and the abuse he had to endure. It has definitely helped him. Maybe your son would benefit from professional help as well, IDK. (?)
sheila512
I have tried to reason with him and show him that I am NOT a religions person,,but I am more of a secular Jew that will never reject my history or my ancestors. He stays away more and more, especially at all holiday times. Any suggestions....of course I give him 'space' but he is an adult now and it is very childlike.
Advertisements
sheila512
crazy woman: It is perfectly acceptable to be a secular jew and expect your children to be respectful of your beliefs. I am not asking for observence, just acknnowledgement of MY beliefs and simple respect for them when in my presence.