Child Rejects Heritage

Did he always reject it? It is possible he's rebelling.

Millie, Kind regards,Dickons

The Jewish issue is not the real issue that drives this conflict but simply the manifestation of the adoptees solution to a problem. One must get to the root of the issue to solve the problem. Too often we as parents focus on the behavior itself and dont see it as the childs solution to a problem. Asking the right questions in a non judgemental way can help the child express his true feelings which even he may not be aware of.

Sheila, I'm going to try to say this as gently as I possibly can. You say that your children do not respect your involvement with the Jewish community. Is it possible they don't respect your choice of religion because you don't respect theirs? I went through something similar as a young adult (I'm an adoptee as well as an adoptive mother). I hated organized religion and wanted nothing to do with Judaism and didn't believe in Gd. A spiritual event in my life changed my mind but that was between me and Gd and was not something I shared with my family. We are ALL Jews by choice - whether born a Jew or converted. My son's first mother is Christian. However, we converted our son and are raising him a Jew. When he approaches the age of 13, he will be given the choice to remain a Jew and complete his conversion or not. If his choice is to become a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, etc. it is his choice and it's not a reflection on me as us as parents and we won't take it personally. Your children are not rejecting you honey - they are rejecting a religion they don't feel a connection to at this time in their lives. However, the more you push, you will send the message you are rejecting them and the further they will run from Judaism and from you. Shabbat Shalom. I wish you peace.

Hi Sheila, I am an adoptee adopted by a Jewish family, I am also a marriage and family counselor, who works exclusively with adopted families. I teach adoption parenting and family management. Often it is difficult for adoptive parents to understand adoptee behavior. The adoption process alters the psychology of adoptees and our emotional processes are very different from others. It is very likely that adoption related dynamics are driving/influencing your children's rejection of Judiasm. The real issue here isnt religion its your relationship with your children. Im very concerned at how easily you accept this situation and turn your emotional attention to your sick husband. It also appears that you have never established a secure attachment to your children. Its significant that they are both reacting the same way to you. This situation will get worse if you dont act to deal effectively with it especially this time of year. Every behavior has a goal and your chidrens rejection of Judiasm also has a goal. Determining that goal is the key to understanding what they are trying to accomplish. The goal is 1 or more of 4 things 99% of the time. They need to feel connected, capable, that they count, and that they have courage. Adoptees have an inherent sense of not belonging and this could manifest as a rejection of religion. If it is as I suspect a rejection of you then its part of a vengence cycle. That has to be addressed right away. Robert Allan Hafetz MS MFT Education Director 267 337 4548 Adoption Education & Family Counseling LLC Doylestown, PA 18901 robertafetz@verizon.net

People have to find their own way in their own time. You've given him the education; later it may make more sense. It may be that something about the specific school, rabbi, etc. puts him off. There are many different styles of synagogues even within the same larger group. Each congregation has its own personality. I have been at home in some, not so much in others. He may find an appropriate "home" on his own eventually. I recently moved to another city and was officially welcomed by a salesperson, of all things, who gave the low-down on local congregations, etc. based on our name. It was what is supposed to happen, but never does. You never know who or what might help him find his place.

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My 14 year old daughter is currently on a "religion is boring" and "You can't prove _____". I'm worried about her. But your post gives me hope that she will someday come around.

Without knowing your son, I can't be sure if he is rejecting Judaism for adoption reasons or other reasons, but if he is like many adopted children, it is possible that he has some unresolved conflicts in his mind regarding his birthparents, which are affecting his views about Judaism. We do not know anything about my daughter's birth family, as she was one of China's abandoned baby girls. I wish we knew more. But I do know that, ever since my daughter was old enough to understand about reproduction, she was angry that her birthparents brought a child into the world, only to abandon her. She once said that her birthparents should have used contraception, or had an abortion, because it would have been better never to have lived, than to have been born and abandoned. She is normally a pretty happy, well balanced person, but there's no doubt in my mind that there's a lot of anger , or at least very mixed feelings, deep down inside her, with regard to her birthparents. She does not want to explore her feelings with a therapist at this time, but I hope she will in the future, so that she will find peace. If your son has mixed or angry feelings about his birthparents, it wouldn't surprise me if, consciously or otherwise, these feelings are coloring his perceptions of "their" religion. If he is angry at his birthparents, he may also feel angry at himself, because he comes from their flesh, and because they gave him his Jewishness. As a result, he may feel that he must reject everything about himself that comes from them, and since they were Jewish, he's going to reject his Jewishness. Your son may also have some resentment, at times, that he had to lose his birthparents and be adopted by you. It's not uncommon for some children, particularly those a bit slow to mature, to feel as though they were stolen from their birthfamilies, as irrational as that may be. Especially if they are having a hard time with adolescence and such, it's easy to have a fantasy that life would have been good if they had lived with their birth families, and that, if you hadn't come along, maybe the adoption wouldn't have happened, or whatever. One way to reject you is to fall back on the child's perception that, "My REAL mother wouldn't have...." In his case, maybe he's saying, "My REAL mother wouldn't have made me go to Hebrew School. My REAL mother wouldn't have made me have a Bar Mitzvah." On some level, he probably knows that YOU are his REAL mother, but he doesn't want it because he needs to have the fantasy that he would be happier if he were with his birthparents. I would encourage you to keep lines of communication open. It is quite possible that his feelings are not adoption related, and that he simply doesn't feel connected to Judaism at this point in his life. If he is legally an adult, you can't MAKE him feel or act Jewish. But you can always make him feel that he is your son, and that while you wish you had been able to convey to him why you love being Jewish, you want him to find a life that makes him happy, that follows the "big picture" values you tried to teach him, like doing kind things for others, and that doesn't cut you out of it. If he doesn't get angry with you, try to talk with him about his feelings about his birthparents, and whether they are connected to his feelings about Judaism. If he seems to have false notions about life with his birthparents, and he has never had contact with them, perhaps it might be a good idea to let him know more about his adoption story, to meet his birthparents, and so on. If he rejects Judaism, but seems drawn to other religions, encourage him to visit other faith communities. Talk with him about how rational it is that people of many different cultures, all over the world, have chosen to believe in a Higher Power, to have rituals and ceremonies, to celebrate birth and other life cycle events in special ways, and so on. They do these things because they realize that these things are real and true, because they help individuals cope with things like loss and grief, because they help societies organize themselves and set rules for behavior, and so on. Tell him that all religions are valid, but that you have chosen Judaism, just as Abraham chose Judaism, because it seems right for you. Hopefully, he will find a path that's right for him. Above all, love your son. He may come to decisions about life that are different from yours, but don't sit shivah for him. He may also come back to the Jewish faith, if you can help him find self-acceptance. You've done a good job, I'm sure. Don't beat yourself up and wonder what you've done wrong, that your son is rejecting Judaism. Think about how you can help him find meaning in his life, and happiness. Sharon

I agree with sak that his rejection of Judaism may be a more generalized rejection of his birth parents. Unfortunately, because his adoptive mom is Jewish as well, he may identify you with his birthmother in a certain way. In one of the adoption conferences I attended, I met a very nice Chinese lady. She had adopted a daughter from China. The daughter was adopted as a baby and did not have any conscious memories from China. This lady told me how angry her now 10 year old daughter was and how much she tormented and rejected her adoptive mother. The daughter's anger appeared exacerbated by the fact that the adoptive mother had the same heritage as the birthmother. Subconscious anger in adopted children may be very strong, even when they know consciously that there is no rational base for that anger. I have adopted a 7 year old from China. I work diligently to keep his birth culture and language alive, sending him to Chinese after school, and being a part of our predominantly Asian neighborhood. While he readily accepted Judaism, he mostly rejects his Chinese heritage and grouses over his Chinese school. It is getting better but still ... :rolleyes: He is still angry about his birthmother who, as he says it, "just dumped" him at a Chinese orphanage. :( I explained to him that abandoning him saved his life because he has a potentially life threatening medical condition which his birthparents were in no position to care for. Although he rationally knows that his abandonment was ultimately an act of love, subconsciously he still harbors anger. I am certain that as he becomes an adult, he will gain a different perspective but for now, he is not mature enough to understand all the aspects that led to his adoption. Your son may still struggle with feelings that he cannot verbalize, and the only way he may express it is by rejecting his heritage. My son was in therapy to help him to come to terms with his years at a Chinese orphanage and the abuse he had to endure. It has definitely helped him. Maybe your son would benefit from professional help as well, IDK. (?)

How can you be secular Jew and expect your child to be into religion? I'm not getting why it would even matter since you don't do the normal religious stuff. It's like me going to a Mormon Church as kid and not being into it anymore, but I choose to force my kids to be into it.

Zombie thread from June 2009... Kind regards, Dickons

crazy woman: It is perfectly acceptable to be a secular jew and expect your children to be respectful of your beliefs. I am not asking for observence, just acknnowledgement of MY beliefs and simple respect for them when in my presence.

I agree, being respectful of others is a valuable lesson for children.

---for children and adults!