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My wife just left with our 10 year old adopted son who's in an outpatient day program an hour away -- she's staying with relatives close by while I'm on FMLA taking care of our other kids. We're at the end of our rope.
Our son is bipolar with attachment disorder, pervasive development disorder and PTSD from being a shaken baby (his twin sister didn't survive). We've had him since he was 3 months old and handled all his issues ourselves since they surfaced when he was a toddler. The RTC stays have been the most traumatic, but we'd welcome the chance to get him back in one just because he has been successful there. Problem is insurance and Medicaid won't cover them, so we've been going through an acute care and outpatient revolving door, and all the therapy/psych sessions that accompany them.
If we hadn't seen what he can become when all the planets allign, we'd probably have given up by now. There's only so much physical and emotional abuse you can take. We've talked about the 'what if' he can't be stabilized and are prepared to make the decision to do what's best to protect the rest of the family, but not until we've exhausted everything.
The irony is, our bipolar son isn't what's led me to reach out to this forum. It's two of the three younger siblings we adopted nearly three years ago as a group. Yes, we got hosed by CPS like a lot of adoptive parents. We were fostering the youngest girl, who was placed at 4 months of age, and expressed an interest in adopting her. We got the package deal with a fast-tracked placement and no history to speak of. We expressed our concerns about behaviors and doubts about the placement but were told the bonds would come with time and love. Yeah, right!
Now we have two RAD kids who steal, lie, destroy things and pass along their bad character traits to the other children in the home. They don't get it and don't want to get it. It amazes me to see this otherwise docile little boy sit in ambush behind a corner or door and try to hurt his sisters and then lie straight faced, tears pouring down his cheeks in denial, and then smile and smirk as he walks off with restrictions. The kid could pull a 3-5 stint in prison wihtout blinking an eye. They play the victim role so well, the system would never believe us.
Yet, we've seen the damage they're causing and have to do something to preserve what's left of our family. I don't see them as the enemy, just the catalyst. Do I have to wait until they become teens and enter the criminal justice system or perpetrate on siblings? I've been a father for 25 years, raised my three biological sons and countless foster kids with serious issues and it's a gut feeling I have. Hard to explain, but I just know.
We want to dissolve the adoption with the two. Maybe if they were in a home where they could receive all the attention, with no other siblings having serious issues, they could turn out okay? What can we do?
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When I say handled on our own, I mean we've used the resources we have including all the therapeutic and habilitative parenting skills from years of training and experience. My wife has trained with Nancy Thomas and we have an attachment therapist. I wish it were as simple as just dealing with RAD, but as most of you know there are many layers of issues and when you peel back one, you expose another with a whole new set of challenges. With this boy, you look into his eyes and there's nothing. His sister might have a chance, but how much additional damage would separating them do since they pretty much cared for themselves before entering the system.
Are there options other then dissolving the adoption? Your sibling group should have subsidy and may qualify for help with residential. However, if this child is under 12, I wouldn't go that route. It's not that I don't believe the child is that severe-I knew at 8 my son was dangerous. RTC's don't have good set ups for little kids and the child would charm the socks off them.
Have you looked at rehoming this child to a family who understands RAD and would know what they were getting into from the start?(That sometimes helps). It might be that these kids cannot heal together and need to be apart. The therapist has no advice or help for you in this matter?
What about using theraputic respite for a while? It is expensive, but it can sometimes give you a good break and allow you to work with the rest of the family to see what all is going on before making a major life altering decision.
You might also want to get in touch with the people at [url=http://www.radzebra.org]Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network - ATN[/url]. Lots of parents there have gone through what you are going through and likely can give you advice from their experiences with reliquishing, dissolving, rehoming, and choosing to continue parenting.