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Hello all,
This is my first post to the forums and I hope I'm putting this in the proper place. Forgive me also if I get a little off track of the title. Lots on my mind.
What I'm wondering is, guys especially, when you first thought about the possibility of adopting, who was the very first person you revealed your idea to (outside of posting on a forum like this :p)?
Personally, I have not talked with anyone about it yet. This really only came to me recently & I'm not sure if it's right or not. I'm still trying to grasp how my life would change and questioning if am I truly ready for some of those changes.
At this point, I have several older brothers and sisters I could speak with and also a close friend that I could confide in. I suppose I could make a list of other people I know in the community through my business or volunteer efforts as well. I was kind of thinking that some one close to me should be the likely candidate to hear such monumental news.
My biggest fear at this point, is being able to cope initially with the stigma I may have to deal with. Given that I am a single man, in his early 40's, interested in getting an older boy to have as my son. I know that the age & marital status don't necessarily disqualify me and that many people are more open minded about such an arrangement. But I know that there still those that might insinuate that I am gay or a pedophile. Neither of which is true.
I'll be honest & say that to a large degree, I don't really care much most people think about me. If they like me, great. If they don't, oh well, life goes on. I'm happy with who and where I am and I think my reasons for considering adopting are valid & honorable. I am concerned about my stamina to constantly be fighting the battle to win hearts & minds. How long does that go on for? Does this significantly affect the adoption process in general?
I just don't know to whom I should breech the subject with and how to prepare myself for that initial reaction. Whatever it may be.
I would appreciate you sharing your experience, guys and ladies too please.
Thanks for letting me unload a little bit. I look forward to your replies.
Cheers,
Tom
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Tom,I know what you mean! Well, at least mostly. I'm a single woman, in the process of adopting a fifteen year old, and when I was in the thinking phase, I couldn't figure out who to speak with. I ended up saying the words "I'm thinking about adopting a fourteen year old" aloud the first time to some friends who were in town for the day. These friends happen to have two adopted daughters and one of the parents I've known since high school. Why them? Why then? I'm not sure but I must have figured they would be "safe". And they were! Encouraging and supportive, helpful and genuinely happy for me. I didn't tell anyone else until I had started the homestudy process. Why? I'm not sure - but I think you'll be surprised how many people are supportive.Good luck with your journey - it's quite a ride!
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Hello Tom;Welcome to the Single Parents over 40 Club. I too am a member. Ha! On a serious note, Congratulations on your decision to become a parent. Any child is going to be lucky to have you as their Father.Like you, I have several older siblings I could talk too. However, one sibling I knew would be quite excited to hear the news. So, I went to where I felt I would get the most support first. Then I went to my best friend with the news. She too was quite happy for me. I told the 2 of them and gave them a time frame of when I would be checking out agencies. Thus, I needed someone to hold me accountable. Once I went to an informational meeting with CPS and made my final decision to move forward, I started talking to the rest of my family. I wanted to feel confident in my decision before talking to everyone else. To my surprise, everyone I talked to was very supportive. I am now the Mommy to a little girl who ironically looks a lot like me. It was the best decision I ever made. Best of luck to you as you move forward on your journey to become a Dad to some lucky child.
Thank you for the kind & supportive words. It's always reassuring to hear that I'm not first to attempt this journey and many others have been successful before me.
I believe that getting more information and more serious soul searching are in order for me. I think I will have to be 100% absolutely positive that this is what I want before I start announcing it to everyone else. I did some looking & there is an informational meeting next week and I will plan on being there. That should hopefully give me a better idea of what I would be in for.
I'm still not sure who I would break the news to but I guess that decision, if ever, is a little ways down the road for me. Anybody ever just get up at a family get-together and say "Guess what? I'm going to try adopt a kid! How about that?!"? Being a little fecitious here but curious anyways.
Well, many thanks to all once more. I am watching this thread with great anticipation for more experiences to learn from. This is just all so exciting to ponder & I haven't even really started yet.
Best,
Tom
Hello Tom,
Welcome to the group. I didn't tell anyone until I was actually matched. I guess I just didn't want any "bad energy" until things were done. But I did take Mapp Classes and that was a good place coz everyone was either in the process of adopting or fostering.
The first person i told was a friend who was totally supportive. I have found that sometimes the people who are most supportive are the people you least expect. For example and old Manager was so, so supportive i was moved to tears!! I just didn't see it coming.
As for people they will always think what they want, so don't let that deter you. Go get that son that has been waiting just for you.:grouphug:
Thanks for the words of encouragement Muffin.
Been doing LOTS of reading and I'm looking forward to attending the orientation meeting tomorrow.
Actually, I think I'm already getting myself past the 'single-male' stigma thing. I'm more concerned at this point with the financial aspects. I hope can pass muster. :-)
Cheers,
Tom
PS...I like the time-line in your siggy. For a newbie like me, it was very informative!
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tpluttig
...But I know that there still those that might insinuate that I am gay or a pedophile. Neither of which is true.
I had mentioned the idea of adopting a couple of times over the years before making a decision. But, when I was really ready, I did a bunch of research. I went home on Christmas Eve and shared a bunch of brochures and internet research with my family. (I guess I risked ruining Christmas).
My father is the most cynical, when he was asking questions in a supportive way, I knew it was ok. My mother was in the kitchen watching dishes and shaking as I survived my father's interrogation.
My sister was on the computer, pretending not to listen.
In the end we toasted the fact that we would have a new family member the following Christmas and we did.
Personally, just be firm in your convictions before you start telling to may people. Know your responses to the typical negative questions and most likely people will be supportive. I hope so.
There are two single men that post on the special needs board who both have adopted several teen boys. I would reach out to them. The seem to be very impressive fathers and probably are the closest to what your experience may be like.
Hope the meeting goes well tomorrow. Please keep us posted. As for finances you don't need a whole lot of money you just have to demonstrate that you know how you manage it.
I think you will be just fine. I am kinda excited for you and that son waiting. Strange huh? But like I said your biggest supporters may be in places you least expect.:banana:
Well I went to the orientation meeting this morning. I was a little surprised that there was only one other couple attending besides me.
I learned a few new things about working with public agencies which was good. Here, families have to be willing to be licensed for foster care before being eligible for adopting. I had been thinking more of just simply adopting. I need to consider if I want to risk losing a child to reunification as much as I understand that is the ultimate goal of the State & in the best interest of the child. As it should be. It doesn't sound like it happens very often but that would be very unpleasant, as a foster parent, to have to deal with, I would think.
Next step for me is the inital survey application and scheduling the first home meeting with a case-worker. This state also apparently likes to get that step done right away. That's a little scary.
Regarding my original question, I'm still trying to answer that for myself. I think I better just keep it under my hat for now. But I'd still like to hear from others that have been down this road.
I think I have a ways to go yet before I even know if I would be considered acceptable by the State. I'll send in my app to meet with a worker and see how it feels after that. It is a strangely wonderful feeling I have had lately anyways. I have a new found appreciation for what expecting parents must feel (I think :p ) while they're waiting.
Peace,
Tom
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Hi,
I'm also a lady but thought I'd affirm your decision especially since you appear to be taking this seriously and asking serious questions of yourself and of your feelings about the process as you learn more. :clap:
I'm a 31 year old who has always wanted to adopt whether I was married or single. My family knew that, so when I told my mom (first person I told) she wasn't surprised, just surprised that I decided to do this at a "young" age....(I guess she thought I wouldn't be interested until I was over 35 or something).
The one thing she did tell me was for me to be ok with myself and know that some people stick their noses into other people's business...so to be ready for weird comments or people thinking I became a parent out of wedlock (nothing too shocking, but I guess since I was raised in a church going family you know...) especially since my parents said they were not going to stipulate that this would be their "adopted" grandchild, they are going to introduce whoever comes as their GRANDCHILD
That was great for family validation. I'm an only child so my parents are very important in my life. As for other family members, when I was done with my homestudy...I actually had my grandparents here in CA from FL so I just spilled it out that I"m adopting...they were supportive. I knew my co-workers would be overly supportive since I'm a speech therapist and work in the public school system. I find that people working in special ed. and the public schools generally adopt (if they do) from social services and see adoption as a positive thing in general.
Waiting once you're homestudy ready is hard. I had a potential match, but the situation wasn't right. Now I have another potential match that I"m going to go to full disclosure meeting for...I'm excited. Barring any bizarre complications that I couldn't live with, I have a good feeling about this.
Good luck and come back, it's a great place for support.
Hello! This is my first post....
I am 25 years old have been a full time professional nanny/educator for the past 12 years. Adoption has been on my heart since a very young age (probably 5 years old though I knew not one person who was adopted!).
Currently, I am a full time professional nanny to 5 beautiful girls...I know that I am ready for adoption! I have mentioned adoption VERY briefly to my mother (my wonderful dad died in August) and at length with my best friend. I have also briefly mentioned it to some closer friends and family...everyone so far has been extremely supportive. :) I am a person to go with my heart...
Nay-sayers are not welcome here!:cheer:
Thanks again everyone. I do appreciate hearing your stories.
I'm working to get my house a little better organized before the initial visit from the c/w. I know they're not expecting perfection but I've let a couple things around here slide lately that I need to work on first. Not sure how long it will take to schedule the meeting once I submit my application, but I just need another week & the weather to cooperate a little.:bullwhip:
There's just so many things to consider that I never had thought about in the past. I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground and not get overwhelmed but it's tough. I read "Adopting the Hurt Child" in like 2 days. I just couldn't put it down. Definitely recommended reading.
This is all very helpful to me & I hope others that are thinking about adoption will find it useful too. I think I've got a pretty good idea on who I'm going to approach if the first meeting goes well. Maybe by Thanksgiving or Christmas, I'll be able to make the bigger announcement of my intentions.
Cheers for now and :thanks: again.
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Tom,
Good for you....I've read about 10 books on adoption/discipline since starting this journey. It's a great place to start.
I remember about 5 years ago, I was at one school site and a single male was adopting one of the kids in the Special ed. class...this boy was in 5th grade and had had some anger issues and other issues...
now his "problems" didn't magically go away, but this dad came to all his IEP meetings and followed through on mental health referrals and anything that this kid needed. Through the whole fost-adopt time til finalization you could see the change in this kid. NOt that parenting an older child is easy, but kids appreciate the effort even if the problems don't magically go away and it's not easy.
I'm sure you will be a great person for this, considering your interest and research...it just won't be magically easy. Especially with older children, you'll need more than "love".