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I can't complain. I found my biological mother in 2003. She was only 16 years old in 1963 and her family decided to put me up for adoption which I am grateful. I was adopted by parents who were unable to have children and gave me a fantastic life. They also adopted two other children and we are a family in every sense of the word and are close. Without anyone knowing, I searched for and located my Birthmother. We both were elated. My birthfather passed away sometime ago, but she did not continue dating him after my birth. She did however marry another man 5 years later and had 3 children with him. Once we met she went back to tell her family. Prior to this they had no knowledge of me. She did tell her husband but it was kept a secret. When she told her "oldest" son he could not handle it and told her not to ever mention it again. Upset, she told the "middle" son who comforted her but was shocked as well and uneasy about the whole situation. She then told her daughter, her youngest child and she immediately wanted to meet me right away. Me and my half sister have a nice relationship. The middle son and I after meeting developed a great relationship. The older son still will not even speak, listen or talk about this topic. Now the older son is 41, married with 2 kids, the middle son is 38 married and just had a baby girl, and daughter is 35 years old, married with 2 kids and pregnant with one on the way. My "problem" is that I developed a great relationship with my Birthmother (we have lunch each week), talk with half-sister (she lives out of state so its as good as it is going to get), hang out with half middle brother (we are great friends), yet am unable to go to any family functions because of any problems it would cause the older half-brother. I thought after 6 years it would ease itself out, but today was the middle brothers baby's Christening and I just feel like I am missing out. I never married nor do I have any kids, but I am very close with my family who I was raised (we all have two families) so I probably should be happy that is going well, but curious if anyone has these kinds of "situations"?
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This is not the same situation at all, but in my family, a cousin of mine married and had a family with his second wife and out of the kids from the first marriage, all accepted the situation except for one of them. He would refuse to go to any family functions if the second wife and/or kids were there, and created a lot of problems. This has been going on for nearly 30 years and he stubbornly refuses to accept the fact that his dad remarried and had a second family. The rest of the family feels he should just put his differences aside and, while he doesn't have to be best friends with the siblings or the second wife, he can at least not stir up so much drama and make it miserable for everyone else. I wish your bio sibling could do the same. Maybe your birth mom and other siblings need to just sit him down and say "hey, we've accepted her and embraced her as family, we don't expect you to have a relationship with her if you don't want one, but she WILL be included at family functions." I hope he can at least come around to the point where he can tolerate your presence, you know? It must be hard to be accepted by everyone else and then have one person keep you from being with those that you've connected so well with.
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I think that adoptees face this more often than one would expect on the mothers side of the family and especially in siblings. I believe it is because they cannot concieve that their mom who was raised in the 40's, 50's, 60's who preached to them not to have sex outside of marriage, would have dared to have sex outside of marriage and then that even though "she" obviously made a mistake, that "mistake" should have the decency to stay out of the picture - the "how dare she embarass our mother and us like that" attitude. I am sorry you have to go through this but if he hasn't changed his opinion after your other siblings did - I don't think it is likely to happen. Does not make it easier to accept though. I'm sorry,Dickons
This is such a sad story! I strongly believe that your bmom should be inviting you to family events if that's what SHE wants to do. She could support your brother and talk to him, but ultimately, she needs to invite you regardless of his feelings. When I first started contact with my birth family, my oldest sister wasn't ready for direct contact with me. This didn't stop my bparents from getting to know me and inviting me to do things with them. Once I met my sister face to face, it was awkward at first, but now its great. I think if your brother could give you a chance and meet you, it would probably ease his fears and everything would be fine. Its up to your bmom though to ensure this happens.
I feel part of what you're going through. My half brother whose 28, just learned yesterday about me. So of course he has a zillion questions, and is not happy with her. I don't get it, how do you go all your life and NOT tell someone that they have a sister out there?? To me, her waiting till now is detrimental and may cause a rift between them two!
I just sat and cried as he spoke to me, because his concern? What I felt about him!! He should never have to be in that position. He was fretting over that all day long because he was kept, and I was given away.
But I was able to kinda put his mind at ease by telling him when I was born, and he was, were two entirely different times.
I don't know where to go now, just now grasping all of it with the birthmom.
He is 85, in hospital recovering from another heart attack and has other health issues. I made contact with a cousin who told me he was now in the States and where. So, I called the son who was in same town and chatted with him explaining who I was - I think it came as a shock! I asked him to ask his dad a few questions and gave him my phone numbers. He is ignoring my phone call and email. Do I not have rights? I just called another brother yesterday - amazing how people don't answer their phones - always goes to answering machine lol.
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Yes My half siblings.All of them thought I was there to take from them. The problem with them was they did not have a good relationship with father. Parents divorced after seven years. There mom trashed him. He was always bailing them out. Then he told them time to grow up. The children wasn't having anything to do with him. Boy that changed when I showed up. I even had DNA done. Thought that would help the exception.Well I finally decided that I was going to concern myself with me and Dad. If they wanted to be a part. Great. They finally realized he wasn't such a bad guy.They still were some distances for a while. The brother came around first Then one of the girls and the other one was talking. My dad died 2 year ago. I had 12 year with him and i wouldn't trade that for anything. My brother now is really close and one sister. The other I ask about. Oh well can't I can't fix everything.I think in your situation The oldest is jealous he thinks your the oldest now maybe afraid that you will assume the roll he has had. He also feels his mom kept something from him. Now I hope your Mom reads the following. TIME FOR BROTHER TO GROW UP! The world is not a perfect place. It's time for you to take your place as part of this family. He is acting like a spoiled child. Mom Needs to put him in his place. Who gave him the right to make the rules. Six years is ridiculous. As a parent what is he teaching his children.MOM stand up to the plate and put an end to his behavior. If he don't like it let him be on the out side looking in and see how it feels. But in the mean time enjoy what you have. There will be hard times but it will all come out in the wash. We all wash the dirty laundry and you know what, it smells and feels better after it's done.lol
Hi all:
I spoke with my natural father but he is denying that he is. I guess after 61 years of not having to admit it, he feels he doesn't have to. I am debating going to visit him in the nursing home as he has multiple illnesses and is 85. If I leave it too long, I may not get the chance.
I have the same situation with my b dad's fam. The oldest sister was bumped out of birth order and has struggled greatly having an older sib. We've had some bumps in the road resulting in trust issues. I would recommend searching "suddenly sister's" on this website. Even though you are not dealing with a sister, this brother is reacting the same way. There is a book with the title suddenly sisters and the author heads the webpage suddenly sisters. You will find my post on there reguarding my story also. it is very normal for oldest sibs knocked out of birth order to possibly never recover from it. You and your b mom may have to move past this sibs hang up and share your family time reguardless. It's a balencing act with other people's feelings vs your own. In one way you want to be sensitive to their feelings but at the same time they need to be sensitive to yours. You may want their blessing insome cases but if you dont' get it your going to move ahead with relationships and they need to deal.
I spoke with natural father and he would not admit but I could tell by the emotional anger or whatever in his voice that he was involved - guess he was shocked that I found him so far away from where I was born!!!! Three weeks after I spoke with him, he died. Now, half-brother is ignoring me.
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I really like how you phrase your relationships to half-siblings. It must have been a shock to your oldest half-brother to find out that you existed...for him to be so consistently cold now! But if you've become such close friends with the rest of your biological fam, then i can't see why he is still so opposed? Can't he see you as a family friend at least? I don't get him!
I'd wonder what his problem really is. This grudge he's holding may have more to do with the feeling of betrayal that came with the surprise..... it might not be a grudge against you as a person. Maybe the rest of your bio-fam can help ease you in to family gatherings? And talk to oldest half-brother?
No can do - oldest half-brother doesn't answer phone. The one I actually spoke to is still grieving the loss of his (our) father. His father said he wasn't so he believes him. Father didn't care to open that can of worms on his deathbed. Son waited 50 years for his father to tell him he was a good son and that he loved him - death bed confession. I explained that he was raised by a German father who was raised by an even more German father and real men don't show emotion!
"real men don't show emotion" that they don't, apparently! I'd like to believe that a real man can keep their act together through thick and thin, applying emotion where necessary while holding back enough to stay respected and prideful. It's too bad that it took 50 years for him to say that... when we only have a little bit of time in this life to live, 50 years matters quite a lot.
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I have to admit that I'm not good at keeping secrets! The children I raised knew about their older half brother so it wasn't a surprise when we started our reunion. I know that D's bdad was open about his existance as well and although he is dead, D has made contact with his half-brother. I believe it is healthier for everyone when secrets are not kept. It can be difficult when children discover the "skeletons" in the closest.