Birth Mother keeping me a secret from friends

Sam, that stinks. It's hard to live with for me, my mother never told anyone, when I found her she told her daughter and husband, and one trustworthy friend, but she can't tell her son still, ten years later he doesn't know he has a big sister. I mean I understand the why's, but those why's don't rule me, just my mother. I havn't pushed her to tell him too much, I've let her know how wrong and damaging to all that I think it is, and that I will tell him eventually if she doesn't. We live far away, which makes it easy to get out of getting invited to family events (which I don't like at all, casue I want to go! and I really really want to meet my brother!) But if she asked me to come to a gathering and pretend that she wasn't my mother, or that I wasn't her daughter!... I'd have to decline too, knowing that I wouldn't lie and would say exactly who I was if it came up and would upset the apple cart party in a big way. I don't know what to do about it either, other than just share my feelings and opinions of it with my mother, and hope she can find a way to chace away the fear, toughen up and make peace with herself. Cause that's what it is, it really isn't about me. I console myself with the fact that at least I can call my mother and say Hi, how are ya? If that's all I can get, well, I'm glad I got it. Doesn't keep me from expecting and wishing for more tho LOL

I only know a little of what you are going through Beth. It took my birth mother 2 years before telling my little sisters about me. That was like torture as I always wanted little sisters in my life. I am so sorry to hear that Beth. Ajax/Peachy, my last email to my birth mother was about 2 months ago where I clearly explained how it made me feel. I also said that I felt it was unfair of me to demand her to tell people (like I am putting a gun to her head), but by the same token I cannot live as somebody's dirty little secret. I ended the email by saying that because of this, I think we should have some space for a while. I have not heard from her since. Thanks for your honesty Quantum. I know for a fact she is very fearful of people knowing and thinking less of her. I understand that fear is a very strong emotion, which is often not logical. It is that reason why I am not pushing hard, but making sure she understands how I feel. The problem is now that I know this is causing conflict within their family where my little sister wants people to know about me and wants to resolve the issue between my birth mother and I. To be honest I hate that I am causing them to argue. I don't want to be responsible for causing upset in another family. Thank you all for spending the time to respond. I very much appreciate it. :)

You know, I do know that my son doesn't really understand why I would keep him a secret now, and that really is why I don't actively do so! Tomorrow we're celebrating Christmas with some of my DH's extended family, and some of them don't know about my son yet (just HOW do you bring it up??esp with people that you mostly talk about weather with, you know?) Anyway, I'm giving my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law calendars with pictures of my girls, the cover and one of the months has them with their big brother :-). I've had these ups and downs wondering if tomorrow really is the right time, but I am sucking it up. For your sake as well now :-) He will NOT be my dirty little secret. HE IS MY SON. :-) Hang in there.

Wow Quantum!!! Good Luck :) Your Son will be over the moon, trust me! Please let us know how you go.

I am a birth grandmother. My daughter placed her son for adoption 18 months ago. We are part of an open adoption. We get to see our grandson and plan on staying in contact with him forever. But my family refuse to accept this and are dealing with it by silence; they refuse to allow us to speak about him. This has brought about in me an adamant attitude. In my opinion my daughter is a hero. She loves her son and was willing to sacrifice for him. When she sees his pictures she shows everyone and always says how proud she is of him. In my mind "keeping it a secret" puts a cloud of shame around what is truly a beautiful story. I refuse to let this be done. My grandson is a real person with real value. I think American society has so stigmitized birth families that it is a wonder any women ever chooses to make a plan for their child. I see now why so many women choose to abort. They face such consternation in our society. While I don't think you should have to feel like a secret I can understand your birth mother. She needs someone to help her face all those people who are keeping her in the prison of shame. She needs someone to tell her that her choice was noble. I know I have gone on and on. I hope it helps.

I understand, all too well, what you are going through. My birth mother is very ill and I have been told to tell the medical professionals in the hospital that I am a family friend recently - that my identity has caused confusion. I have informed the drs and nurses that I am not a decision maker and that they should talk to her (legal and birth daughter).... I have been my bmom's secret for 23 years. It is only because she is sick that I am meeting some of her friends. My bmom's family has had mixed reactions. In fact, recently, my bmom's close cousin stated that he did not want to refer to me as his cousin; that I was adopted; and that I was an intrusion....but that I should continue to visit as a "family friend." I am destroyed because of her illness, the pain that she is enduring. The cousin's words were so toxic that I am an emotional wreck. You are not a secret - you are the result of your bparents actions. You are wonderfully made and should hold you head up high!!

Your cousin needs to be slapped in the mouth. How rude. I agree with Pattio, there is such a mindset in society about birth families that it brings about even more issues. People want to see women place a baby for adoption and make that sacrifice, then crucify her for her decision to place.

Lovewins: your cousin needs a serious beatdown. a child placed for adoption is the business of both birthparents and their immediate families. Anyone else saying anything remotely negative should be kicked to the curb!!

Hi Sam, I'm in a similar position with my birthfather. We have a good relationship via email and phone, but he's very hesitant to introduce me to his parents or my three younger half sisters. It's tough isn't it? It's a hard line to straddle, wanting to appreciate our birthparents wishes and the complications of their lives, but wanting to stay true to ourselves and, as you say, not be someone's dirty little secret. Keep us posted! I'd love to hear how you're doing with this issue.

My bmom was keeping me a secret from her kids for awhile, so I felt the same as you. Although with kids its more understandable...she was trying to figure out how to break the news in a sensitive way. After several months I did email her to let her know (in a nice way) that I was a bit hurt about being kept a secret and though I understood her reasons, it felt a bit shameful to me and I didn't like feeling that way at all - like I had to hide who I was. She was glad I told her and I met her kids recently! Everything is out in the open now. I realize my circumstance and bmom are different than yours, but keep communication open and you may be surprised what comes from it. We have tried to be very honest with each other about what we like and don't like, and what we need. It's helped. Good luck!

To Millie58 - your words provided so much affirmation. Thanks so much because I have felt so alone in the process. I certainly would not want to physically nor emotionally attack the cousin. It's just good to know that my feelings are understood. I wonder if the circumstances around the decision to place a child has a lot to do with the way that a child is treated after a reunion?

Txmom65 - thanks for your comment....what's worse is if the birth parent crucifies him/herself with guilt. It makes the reunion extremely guarded...difficult....secretive.

I've been a secret for 23, nearly 24 years. My b-parents have not told anyone about me accept for my b-mother's parents and brother who found out by mistake. So I totally get where you are coming from. It's frustrating to be a secret. My b-parents have their reasons. I may not understand them, but my b-father has taken the time to attempt to explain them to me. I think the best part of the explanation was when he apologized and told me it wasn't my fault. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault that their lives are complicated. I know that I won't be a secret forever. For now I have to wait until my sisters are older and in a better position to possibly understand. So as much as I hate waiting, it's all I can do for now. I don't want to ruin anyone's life. Ignorance is bliss right?

A lot has occurred since my last post. Sorrowfully, my bmother passed away recently. This was such a traumatic experience because I had only found out that she was ill by "accident." Incidentally, me and my children's names were mentioned in the obituary (although our relationship to my bmom was not). We met some family members who had only learned of my identity two weeks prior to my bmom's passing. You really have choices to make. I would much rather meet family members at a reunion rather than a funeral. I wish that my bmom were courageous enough to be honest about aspects of her past - unfortunately she was not. I love and miss her so much.

What a powerful thread. I have the same thing with my biological Father not able to go through with outing me to the rest of his family. He has given me all their names and info, I could easily contact them direct. Dose he want me to? Or would that make me a bad person for going around him? The comments I have read make it that much more confusing. Lovewins hit a big nerve with me and its something I have already contemplated. Do I out myself before or after he dies? I am sorry for Lovewins and really hope to find away to avoid the same circumstance.