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Originally Posted By CynicWhy is it perceived that if a birthmother changes her mind before the adoption is finalized, then she is considered selfish? This is a topic that has recently come up on the birthparents board and there are many birthmothers that were told they were selfish if they decided to parent. Why would it be selfish to raise your own baby if you can provide for their needs. I did not come from a home of great means, but I had what I needed and learned valuable lessons. I do not consider it selfish for my parents to have raised me. Birthmothers hear all the time, that they are giving their child a better life, but I don't think that money would have given me a better life growing up.
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Originally Posted By NicksterMommyI am surprised and saddened to hear that birthmothers are told they are "selfish" if they choose to parent their children. If my son's birthmother had changed her mind, it would have devasted me, but "selfish" wouldn't be the word to come to mind. I don't know if birthmothers realize how much preparation the adoptive parents make when they are "matched up" with a baby. We decorated the nursery, I put in my notice at work, we read parenting books, we bought formula and clothing, etc. We starting talking about "when Nicholas arrives." We had baby showers. After YEARS of longing for a child, one was on the way. If the birthmother had changed her mind, it would have been a HUGE blow, especially because I had custody of him during the 10-day "right to relinquish" time. However, our agency stressed again and again that this is an extremely difficult decision to make, and the birthmother COULD change her mind at any time. There was no way for me NOT to love Nicholas, so I gave him my heart knowing in the back of my mind that I might have to give him back. If I did, I would have mourned the loss as if I had miscarried.I am not sure who calls the birthmother "selfish" -- agency or Aparent. If it is the Aparent, it is absolutely wrong to say. It is probably arising out of the incredible disappointment I mentioned above. That is still no excuse. If it is an agency, then I question the legitimacy of the agency.Another thing -- I have been surprised (and again, saddened) to see references to comments about Aparents' $$ being the big selling point. Clearly somebody out there is espousing this, because several people have mentioned it. I am surprised because I never felt like $$ was our big selling point -- I thought it was providing a Daddy. Bmoms can provide a mother's love (obviously). They can also, one way or another, provide enough $$ to feed a child in most cases. The one big thing I thought we could provide was an intact, two-parent household. That was our Bmom's big concern. I am disappointed that people are stating that babies are better off with more $$ because $$, in and of itself, doesn't make the difference. I grew up in a household with lots of $$ but little love. I mentor a teenager who has LOTS of love but little $$. She is a much happier teenager than I ever was, and she has her priorities in the right place.I wish Aparents were required to talk w/a Bmom before getting approved to adopt so they could get a better understanding of where the Bmom is coming from. Maybe that would help dispell the "selfish" myth.
Originally Posted By CynicIn all fairness, I don't know how many adoptive parents actually say this. The selfish comments come more from people in general. Any woman even considering adoption is the recipient of unwanted comments. I don't think selfish is the word too often used but it is certainly implied by many. From my recollection it was implied or said by friends, coworkers, strangers(gossip). So maybe some adoptive parents get it. I wish that the rest in society would realize that it is acceptable for these women to raise their child. I wish more women would realize that they can raise their own child just as well and not place their child for adoption, fortunately, many more have begun to realize this and have decided to raise their child.
Originally Posted By NicksterMommyI don't understand how anyone who chooses to parent a child can be viewed as "selfish." This applies to Bmoms who decide to parent, Amoms who adopt, and people who plan a PG. By definition, parenting is selfLESS because you are putting another human being's needs above your own (cleaning diarrhea off the walls, losing sleep to comfort a child w/a nightmare, etc.).It's too bad that people who aren't directly affected by adoption don't read these boards. People have no business gossiping about something they know nothing about.
Originally Posted By KariCynic, I agree with you that the notion that a birthparent is selfish to want to parent their child is wrong. I am an adoptive mom and a mom to children that I have birthed...but I am also a foster mom. It has been my mission to help reunite families for many years now. Society seems to think that people need the "white picket fence" to make a family. A family is made up of people who love each other and are committed to each other...it has NOTHING to do with income. I think we are fed this garbage by the media with the sitcom family and their 30 minute happy ending stories and their nice houses etc... I support anyone who wants to give a child a good home...that is a home with people who cherish them and give them their time and attention. Children in our society have too much "stuff" anyway...they need our time and love, not our Visas and Mastercards.
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