re bmoms who didn't tell parents about baby

Hiya, I relinquished back in 1985. My parents knew and they told my brother and I'd told some of my friends, but no one else in my family knew. We had had moved away from where the rest of my family was about 2 days after I became pregnant. I didn't start telling more people in my family until after I found my son, only 3 years ago. It IS hard, but because he is a part of my life right now,I'm trying my darndest to be open about it, for his sake if not for mine. I had been told way back when to 'forget' and 'move on' well, that is impossible, but it adds to why it's so hard for me to talk about it. I have thought about him every single day of his life though, and love him very much. I'm sorry you never got to meet your birth mother!

Birthmother here (from the late 60s)... I HAD to tell my parents - I was at least 4 to 5 months pregnant at the time, and my mom knew right away!! Weight gain... the only person I did not tell was my younger brother, who was 15 years old at the time. Both my sisters and my older brother knew! But when I started searching for my daughter - I told my younger brother about her; my best friend from high school also knew, as I was her maid of honor when I was 3 months along and dress didn't FIT!!! So sorry to hear that you didn't get to meet your birthmom!

My bparents never told anybody. They got married after I was born (and still are married) and had 2 other kids, who still don't know I exist. I've been in contact with my bmother since last fall, and she still doesn't seem willing to tell anyone. You're right that it's harder after so many years to admit that they've been keeping this huge secret even from their own kids. But it does suck for me to be such a big secret.

Hi all, Yes, it is upsetting that I will never get to meet my bmother. When I first found out that she had died (via the internet), I was disappointed but because at that time all I had was the name, it didn't hit me too hard. However, the more I have found out and now that I have seen lots of pictures, it is really quite upsetting, especially since just before I made contact, I discovered she had had twins that died at birth 8 years later (she wasn't married then either but I suspect that she must have wanted them with all her heart and didn't care what people thought then). I just feel so sorry for her. I would like to think that if she had lived past my 20th birthday, she may have made contact but I will never know. BethanyB, did you ever meet your mother's child? St3v3n, that would be hard, hopefully your bparents will strike up the courage to tell their children - are they teenagers? L@@king2 and quantum, thanks for your stories, did your reunions go well? I love my adoptive parents very much and they will always be my mom/dad but it is hard. I just want to know more and more about her. I am glad I contacted the biological family though.

L@@king2 here... no, unfortunately, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me... She too tells me she has one set of parents and that is enough for her! I told her I didn't want to be a 'mother' to her, so she says maybe after she has a child; which she did this past December... but nothing so far! I will NEVER give up hope that she WILL contact me in the future thought!!!

I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out so far for you, L@@king2. When she says "maybe after she has a child" that does sound like there is some hope. I know you said she has just had one but maybe she is just overwhelmed with her baby at the moment to even think of contact. I am glad I have contacted the bfamily but I didn't realise how emotional I would feel about my poor bmother (not that I show any of that to the family). Having lost twins and then dying from a heart attack before you even reach your 40th birthday, how unfair is that. Life is unfair though sometimes, I know. Also, she looks exactly like i hoped (a prettier version of me lol). I do think, L@@king2, that there is some hope for you and your bdaughter finally meeting. Perhaps when her child is a little older, I suspect her 4 month old baby is taking all her attention right now. Hopefully, you do get to meet her one day. (To be honest, I envy her. She at least has the option to meet her bmother if she wants, something that will never happen for me)

Thank you Caths... you are probably right - she is busy with her new baby - I haven't given up hope that she will reach out to me in the future. At least she posted a few pictures of her baby on her Facebook page!! Can't really tell if it's a boy or girl... LOL! So sorry about your bmom dying so young! My daughter looks SO like me also - it is truly amazing!!

hi I have had a bit of an update in that I have been able to contact the family that my bmum nannied for while pregnant. The email I received was really lovely and they had a high opinion of my bmother so that was nice to hear. The email has at least confirmed that I do "exist" LOL. What I mean by that is that even though I have a birth certificate with my bmother's name on it and non-identifying info that correlates with her life; because I was a secret, and because her brothers/sisters in law seem to find it so hard to accept that she could have given a child up for adoption, I did illogically wonder whether a friend could have stolen her identity LOL. At least the email does confirm that she definitely was my bmother (I emailed a photo in my initial contact). However even though I know from reading these forums and other literature that the majority of bmothers do think about their babies after relinquishment, there is a part of the email that makes me think that I may be a case of "what happened overseas, stays overseas". The bit is as follows: "(the emailer's mother) also remembers feeling that it was obvious that P wanted to move on from what had been a sad experience and get on with her life. Although it was sad, P knew it was considered the best thing to do for you and accepted that was the case" To be honest, I know I shouldn't care about how someone who has passed away felt about me but I think my problem is this. I was discussing things with my aunt (my uncle's wife) and I got the impression that she felt that my bmum went to such lengths to keep me a secret that she would have been shocked if I had tried to contact her (she died when I was 16 so it was never going to happen). I did try to say that she might not necessarily have been against contact but it makes me start doubting that now; and I sometimes worry that my bmum may not have liked me contacting her brothers. The bit about wanting to get on with her life (and she did live with the family for an extra 6 months, presumably to earn money to go back home) makes me think that once she got back home, she was able to put me out of her mind. I realise that I should be happy if she had been able to do that but I am only human, I would like to think I was occasionally thought about. Anyway, I was just wondering what any bmothers out there think. I do want to make it clear that I had a good life with my adoptive parents and that I have no negative feelings towards my bmother as I feel she had no other choice to make (she was a 60s bmother), the above feelings are just me feeling insecure, I suppose.

Actually, I think it would have been best for my bmum if she had never thought about me again. I just keeping thinking that when she had her twins, there would have been a real similarity to when she gave birth to me; that is, she may or may not have seen any of us at birth and in any case would have never seen any of us again. I suspect that she wouldn't even have been able to make it to the twins funeral (they were born on a Friday, buried on a Monday) which I suspect was organised by their grandmother. I know I should be over all this but I have just stayed with some relatives and have heard that she hardly ever talked about the twins and there are certain stories I have been told that make me feel she must have been suffering the loss of her twins deeply but keeping it all inside.

caths, you shouldn't be "over" anything...you are processing an entire lifetime of your mom and figuring out feelings. cut yourself ALOT of slack, please? there are some VERY wise people here who understand very much what you are going through. you are not alone. obviously, i do not know your biological mom, but i think it would be a good possiblity that she was very introverted about her feelings for you after your birth. as quantam said, they were told to "move on" and "forget." she may have put her best face on around others. you never know, she could be looking on at you and the rest of your family with a big smile on, a sense of peace.

Hi Celebratewewill, I know there are a lot of very wise people on these forums, and there are a couple who have helped me immensely so far, they know who they are :). I suppose we Aussies are bit less inclined to discuss our feelings and we tend to get embarrassed about doing so. I hardly talk to anybody IRL about how I feel about anything. so I can understand my bmother being the same. I am thankful that these forums exist so I can say how I feel anonymously. Thank you for your support.

I placed my son for adoption almost 19 years ago now when I was in high school. Only my parents, grandparents and brother knew about the pregnancy. To this day, the only other person who knows about him in real life is my husband. People just make so many wrong assumptions about birthmothers and can be very judgemental and I don't want to deal with that. I feel I have suffered enough for everything that I lost when I placed him and I don't need anymore negativity over it. I reached out to him last year but he is not ready for reunion yet. Since I placed him I have gone on to earn one degree and working on my second. I have traveled all over the place. I have a nice home in a nice neighborhood and drive a nice truck. From the outside it looks like I moved on with my life. However, I love him, miss him and think about him every day. In my heart he has been with me all the time. I can't tell you how hard the second week of September is for me to get through to this day. I can't express to you how hard other holidays and special events are without my first son. Sometimes we birthmoms have to put up a facade for the outside world just to protect our minds and our hearts from everything we've been through. I bet your birthmom felt the same way about you. I bet she thought about you and missed you alot. I am sorry you never got to meet her. I am glad you are getting to know her through her family though.

Thank you Gwen for your insight. I hope you do get to meet your son. I know what you mean about people being judgmental. I have been speaking to someone who knew my bmother before I was born and though this lady was very nice overall, when I said something about my bmother being unlucky, she said that it would never have happened with herself because she was "brought up with morals and principles". I am quite sure my bmother had just as many morals and principles (which is why it was so hard for her to tell her mum). From stories I have heard about my bmother, she was a kind and caring lady and was always thinking of others (even just before she collapsed and died, she was thinking about what to buy her loved ones that day) and I think that is more important. I do hope you don't think I was being judgmental towards my bmother though. I think it is just that with the trauma of her later babies (as well as the twins, she also lost another baby late in the pregnancy), I just didn't just want to think I was an added stress, I suppose I would like to think that she thought about me every now and again in a positive way. Thank you though for sharing how you feel. Hopefully, you can understand why in my particular case, I find it hard to find a happy medium as to how I would like her to have felt? I suppose I find it hard to think that she might have missed me every day on top of missing her other 3 children every day. Does that make sense? I am happy to be meeting her family and we seem to get on very well. I think meeting extended family is probably easier though because you can have whatever relationship you like with them. I will say that considering I was a total surprise, they have been very kind and have accepted me into the family without hesitation. As you said, it is wonderful to see so many pictures of her and find out about her and, despite all the confusing feelings (most of it sadness on my bmother's behalf rather than for myself, despite the above posts), I wouldn't take any of it back. Anyway, Gwen, you sound like a very caring lady and I hope that things work out well for you in regards to your son. At least he knows that you will be ready for him when he is ready for you. Good Luck.

I am so sorry for the losses that you and your bmom have suffered, and that you will nolt be able to meet her in this lifetime. At the end of her life, my grandmother was not afraid of what came after death, because she was so excited to finally see her daughter again, who had died at 6 years old. I would expect your bmother felt that way as well. As far as the "moving on with her life," that is something mothers were told to do, and its a phrase that was in common useage. Being told to move on and actually doing it are 2 different things. What society wanted and fully expected us to do was to live "as if" we had never had a child, "as if" we were not now mothers, and "as if" we had not been fundamentally and irrevocably changed forever. Stupid society. Its the same thinking that created the ridiculous "as if born to" theory of adoption. Neither work, and they just create misunderstanding, heartache, and deeply buried grief. When I called my mother and told her that my son had found me, she actually said, "WE SWEPT THAT UNDER THE RUG!!" She is lucky I was on the phone with her, rather than in the room. Uh, NO, YOU SWEPT THAT UNDER THE RUG, THREW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER, ETC. I buried my grief and mourned in private, as I am sure your mother did. Way too many children have been relinquished due to shame, and for no good reason. My son was one of those too. A big hug to you.

Hi Isabo, Thank you for your lovely reply. I'm so sorry about what your mother said to you, it was way out of order. I hope the rest of your family has been more supportive. How is your reunion going with your son? I hope all is going well.