Mother's Day 2010... What do do?

I think it's wonderful that you want to acknowledge your birthmom on Mother's Day. I never felt like a mother until after reunion with my daughter, but she does not see me as her mom or acknowledge me in any way on Mother's Day. It hurts me more than I thought possible, and that day has become a day I just struggle to get through each year. All you can do is what feels right for you. If nothing else, it would let her know you are thinking of her. And I personally think the text is very appropriate. Soprano

I am just in the very early stages of reunion with my son, where we are sending emails to each other. I am not expecting anything for Mother's Day (I really don't have the expectation that I am "mom" to him, even though I feel like one of his moms, if that makes sense), but if he sent a card or note wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, I would be pleased to get it and would welcome the sentiments put forth. The card and note you are thinking to send your mom, IMO, is perfectly appropriate and not overbearing or anything. Does it even reference "Mother's Day" or were you just thinking to send it around Mother's Day? My gut says "go for it." No, you won't know if she opens it, or how she feels, but she will know your door is open and your heart is open and you are still thinking of her. I like the idea of the pictures of the tulip beds. You sound like a very thoughtful and caring person. I know it's frustrating to not know, and to be in limbo. I was in limbo a number of years with my son, but I did at least know he was getting my letters because they were going through an intermediary. I felt comforted to know that even though he was not ready to correspond (he said he would, but then didn't for a long time), at least he was accepting my correspondence. Mother's Day can be hard for many birth mothers. I never felt it to be a terrible trigger, but I do know that it can be difficult for others. I would still send the card, though, and maybe time it so she gets it several days before (or maybe even a few days after). Just MHO.

I agree with the previous posters, the card and pictures sound lovely and appropriate. It IS a tough time for many of us, tougher for some. I can imagine, based on your age, that there are a lot of things that she's dealing with that is making it hard to communicate with you, but I would really hope that she loves you the way she can and appreciates that you care about her. I've been in reunion for 3 years now with my soon 25 year old son, the card he sent me a couple of years ago on Mother's day gave me the security in our relationship that I desparately needed. I'd send it.

Thanks for posting this, Bob. I've had similar questions, though I'm still debating making first contact. I was even thinking of a Mother's Day card timed to arrive a few days late so it wouldn't intrude. Three years is a long time; I can imagine it seeming longer than sixty. I hope she responds for you.

And Love to all Mothers out there--Mothers of every kind. (and whether you think you want the love or not!)

Mother's day is tough. I gave up my daughter to a great family 10 years ago, and every year that passes i wonder if my little girl will ever see me as anything but an incubator. Its was an open adoption and the parents send me pictures, and letters and her drawings.. but every year today is a horribly depressing day. I can only hope when she's older we can have some type of relationship in that maybe, just maybe she'll care. While my friends are celibrating today with their children and familys.. i'm alone here with nothing but the computer to keep me company. Yeah, Mothers days is a hard one.

Thanks for the input. I did go ahead and send it the week before M-Day, so I watched the mailbox every day to see if she had returned it - she hadn't by Saturday. Then I spoke with my cousin, who got an email from my half brother - he took our mother to Europe for a month! At least she's well enough to travel (at 83!) Of course, that means I'll have to watch the mail that much longer...

I know your original post was a year ago, but Im just reading it! I was reunited with my son 3 yrs ago....and I have to say, I would LOVE it if he acknowledged me on Mothers Day! I also might add that I was never sure and always second guessing myself in regard to what to do on his birthday, his wife's birthday and my 2 new grandkids birthdays, . What I decided was this: It is better to do something, anything....rather than do nothing at all. I felt it in my heart to do something, so by golly, just do what your heart tells you!! My son has yet to send me even a card. It hurts. I think its special that you think of your birthmom in that way...I say, do what you feel in your heart!

I was thinking along the same lines of sending my first mother a Mother's Day card. We just "found" my mom and my search angel talked with her a few weeks ago and at that time my bmom did not want a letter from me. My search angel says my mom is in freak out mode. Should I leave her alone and let her make the next move towards a reunion or should I send her a Mother's Day card--simple and sweet that lets her know I am thinking of her on this day. It has been 51 years since she surrendered me. Don't know what to do. Thoughts?

Molly, someone has to take the next step. Remember you've been thinking about this for years - she may have pushed the thought away every time it came up. Do what you feel is right and true. I suggest timing a card, letter, flowers or call for the week BEFORE Mother's Day if you know she has other children or family; make it a private day for you and her. You can include a contact number that she can call at her convenience. If you do phone, be prepared for a wide range of responses. The emotional roots run very deep and often people interpret the powerful feelings which erupt as anger when it's not really that. If she can't reply, don't take it as a rejection but rather that she still has not found the strength to overcome her fears. Closest thing I can compare it to is trying to gain the trust of an abused animal or child... it takes a while! The emotions and anxieties involved often trigger an adrenaline dump, with the corresponding "fight or flight" response. To successfully condition yourself away from that response you may have to expose yourselves gradually to contact and agree to break and resume if it gets too painful. And always remember that you have half her DNA so you may both respond in similar ways!

I'm glad this post has been reopened. I am several months into reunion and Mothers Day is not far away. My bmom has 3 sons ( half brothers ) and they all tell me she never celebrates Mothers Day - she believes its been invented by Hallmark. Whilst she is probably right, the fact remains that it is celebrated and to not acknowledge the day seems somehow wrong. I live interstate and have organised flights to go down for the weekend. I was just planning on showing up unannounced ( obviously tell her husband) and taking her out to lunch but the brothers say just give her a quick call. Seriously?? This is the first one. Any advice would be welcomed.

I know your intentions are good, but I don't think it's wise to show up unannounced and sort of "ambush" you birth mom. Personally, I don't show up anywhere unannounced, but especially in your situation with a new reunion and a birth mom who doesn't celebrate Mother's Day, I think this would not go over very well at all. I just reunited with my son, but prior to our first face-to-face meeting, we were in contact via phone/email very regularly, and while I wouldn't slam the door in his face if he came here unannounced, I would still be unprepared for it, especially because he does not live anywhere near me, and would feel uncomfortable about it. Especially if I didn't celebrate Mother's Day. Could you call her up and say you are in town and would love to take her out to lunch (not necessarily to celebrate Mother's Day, but just to spend time together)? Just MHO.