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We met our 13yo daughter last year through hosting. She is from EE. We were pregnant but decided to adopt either way. baby girl arrived last February, DD arrived in May.
DD spent 10 weeks with us last summer. She and DH were VERY close. She would spend hours sitting on his lap, hugging and kissing. He took summer off to watch her (while I was sick from pregnancy and working LONG hours). They really seemed to build a story.
So when was time to adopt DH traveled alone. I was recovering from delivery and had newborn to care for. DH spent 6 weeks in country with DD. Saw her every day. They got along amazingly well.
Then she arrived home. Slowly she started to reject him (she actually started rejecting from day 1 home. but in a smaller way, which started to grow).
So first she only wanted me to put her in bed... Then she would only ride the car with me. Hubby would joke with her and she would look at me and say (Papa crazy)....
Then it became more visible: papa can't hug her because tickles. he can't kiss her because she does not like his smell (and yes, he takes 2 showers daily. Even stopped using cologne for her). Any suggestions he makes are denied (unless is something she really wants - like going for ice cream or swimming). BUT if I make the same suggestion she will likely accept.
And now she is just plain rude. If he asks her a question she does not want to respond, she just ignores and doesn't respond. She is rude to him in public. And he will say things and she will just roll her eyes and look away from him as if he bothers her.
He has a huge love for her. He does everything for her. He goes above and beyond. He does not complain of her either, but I can see he gets sad and hurt.
I don't say she has to love him, but I do think she has to respect him. And I am not sure how to go about it.
Initially I ignored, pretended nothing was wrong, and prompted her into giving him good night hugs, kisses, etc.
Today she was REALLY rude. She was rude to him in front of a lot of people. He was sad and embarrassed. I finally talked to her. Said that it was not acceptable. That I expected her to act nicer.
I asked her: do you believe that papa loves you? and she said NO.
I asked her: dont you think papa does nice things to you? and she said NO.
I couldnt believe it. When I say he is a great dad it is not on material side (although he tends to be easier on that too). But he is very hands on dad. He will spend hours outside trying to teach her how to ride a bike. He will read to her, take her to parks, etc... This year he is taking summer off again just to watch her. I can't list enough nice things he does for her daily (like drive her to and from school so she doesn't have to take the bus - which she does not like).
Anyway... She used to be VERY grateful and now she just takes it all for granted.
She is very pleasant and caring for her sister. She is very loving daughter to me. She is very nice to other people. But he just can't do right in her eyes.
What can we do? Any suggestions? Any BTDT?
Today I finally told her that made me sad that she was not nice to dad when he loved her so much, and that I thought it hurt him, but I wonder if I just gave her more "power".
Should he ignore? Would it work if he was just tough and hard with her and stopped all nice things he does? Should we punish her when she is rude to him (or will it only make her more upset with him)?
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Change your wording. When she is rude to him, instead of saying-that hurts your dad or whatever, tell her she cannot talk to YOUR husband that way. She needs to understand that your relationship with your husband and vice versa comes first and she is secondary. This is important for kids with control issues. If you do not have an attachment therapist, you need one. This is likely to get worse.
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Waiting until today to finally say something to her was your first missteps. By not acting on her rudeness from the start, you taught her it was okay to treat him that way. Now you have to "UN-teach" that behavior.
In order for any child to feel secure, strong boundaries must be maintained. Day in and day out consistency, ie..if you do this, x will be the result. Just as important is boundaries, is that you and your husband work as one voice on EVERYTHING. If you both tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, and the consequences are the same whether or not she disrespects you or your husband, whether he is the only one who witnesses or you are, things have to be consistent.
At 13, ANY child is likely to try to push the limits and see what they can get away with. For the next few years, it likely won't stop. However, you and your husband have to come up with ways to support each other. It doesn't matter if you have been tired because the baby kept you up all night. It doesn't matter if either of you have had the worst day of your life. If your child needs to be disciplined, you both have to be involved in the process backing each other up.
...She would spend hours sitting on his lap, hugging and kissing.
Can I add too.....that I truly believe your dh needs to understand HIS role in this too. IMO, she should never have been allowed to 'sit on his lap and hug and kiss' at the age of 13yrs old. Even if she wasn't sexually abused, this behavior wouldn't be good.
A 13yr old sitting on her daddy's lap...isn't bad, IMO. Giving daddy a hug, isn't bad; nor is giving a kiss. BUT, spending a lot of time doing this----when they didn't even know each other...doing these things right from the start...NOT good. Your dh needs to politely keep his distance......a good and far distance---giving praise, giving a hug, a kiss..........but not an entire session of this behavior, KWIM?
Sincerely,
Linny
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Mamae,
I agree with other posters that your family needs an experienced attachment therapist immediately. There is a listing of attachment therapists on a4everfamily.org ([url=http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=128&Itemid=99]A4everFamily.org - Therapist Listing[/url]) and I would also join attach-china, a yahoo group that has wonderfully knowledgable and supportive parents on it. When you are looking for a therapist, make sure they are trained in attachment therapy and ask what method they use (i.e. Dan Hughes, Heather Forbes, Nancy Thomas etc.) as well as how many attachment disordered children they have treated successfully. An inexperienced therapist can easily make things worse and harm your daughter. Attachment therapy should be done with parents and child at all times, and talk therapy is not very successful with attachment disordered children so it is quite different than most traditional therapy sessions. Do some reading on triangulation, that is what is likely happening between your daughter, yourself and your husband and it will only get worse without therapy (We waited a year before starting and DH and I were headed for a divorce due to all of the hurt feelings, manipulation and rejection going on in our home).
Therapeutic parenting, attachment therapy and neurofeedback helped our son (and our entire family) immensely after he was diagnosed with a severe attachment disorder. Please consider reading a few of the best books about attachment disorder/post-institutionalized/traumatized children if you haven't already because it will help you understand the dynamics going on in your family and the reasons your daughter behaves in this way. The first books I would recommend would be Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Daniel Hughes, The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, Wendy Lyons Sunshine and Parenting the Hurt Child; Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow by Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky.
Best of luck,
Kate
With our DD, when she rejects DH I tell her that if she cannot give him hugs and kisses before bed, then I don't deserve any either. I also tell her, and she is 5, that Mommy and Daddy are to be treated the same. She is not to be mean to Daddy and nice to Mommy. We both love her and both deserve her hugs.
I had to go drastic at one time when she was still in a crib because she would not let him even pick her up. I decided one morning that obviously she did not associate men with anything good, so for an entire weekend she had to depend on Dad for everything from getting something to drink, to changing diaper, to eating and even getting out of her crib. At the end of the weekend, Daddy was her world.