Toughest time in my life...

:grouphug: I can tell you this...you should get some counseling to help you.I was married before and my exhusband walked out of my son's life when he was 9 months old.He became a drug addict.So I never wanted him around either.I had to raise my son on my on with out any help up until 2 years ago when I was blessed to have David(future husband 2-12-11) come into our lives.My son is almost 16.It can be very hard on your own with no support from family or friends.But you can do it if you set your mind to do it.Any thing is possible.And if you decide to let someone adopt your son then I hope and pray that you will have an adoptive family that will keep their promise to you for an open adoption.My family has been searching and praying for a baby.We only really want an open adooption.Due to I think that is the best thing for the baby,birthmom and adoptive family.I wish you the best of luck on your journey no matter what you decide.I am sending prayer for you and your babies.

Trina, There are many resources available including child support - which he will pay and your child will be entitled too. Before you consider adoption as the only solution educate yourself by learning all about adoption - both the good and the bad...from the laws to your rights to the emotions - you should also talk to an unbiased counselor about ALL your options. You might also want to think about reading some of the threads in all the forums to start understanding adoption. Bromachick on this board can usually provide info about where to reach out in your area. You can private message her by going to the members tab and searching for her name. She is a wonderful resource. Kind regards,Dickons

First I would like to say that I am sorry that you are having to make this decision on your own. Like the others, there are resources out there that could make things a bit easier on you. Secondly, I must selfishly say that my family is hoping to adopt a baby. We would like an open adoption. We already have a biological son but would like to continue to grow our family. I do believe that counseling is the next best step for you. It may help you find the answer you are looking for. If you should decide that adoption is the right option for you, please feel free to contact us. Warmest wishes to you and yours!

Holy moly... The parallels of our stories are astounding. When I came here, I was sort of hoping to hear stories of birth mothers who had gone through adoption and lived the rest of their lives as planned, with their babies healthy, happy, and safe with an adoptive family... What I've read in many threads was the *possible* ugly truth of it for birth mothers and babies. (Which I need to know before deciding on adoption.) It seems to be one of those things where if you want to proceed with adoption, you should really find a family that matches your desires, do all you can to prepare for the worst of it (the emotional and legal uglies for birth mothers, the possibility that the child is no better off with others than with you...) and hope for the best. If you don't really want to relinquish your child, then know that where there's an infinitely strong will, there's away. Scholarships and grants for single mothers, day care for single mothers, a lot of such things are available. If it's that one last tough year of college that you need to bust through and you'd be solid enough to provide for your children, and that's where your heart lies, you can do it. (As we all know, it will probably be the hardest time, but it could be the most rewarding in the end.) Well, I hope it's okay that I put my 2 cents in, even though I haven't gone through adoption (yet...?). I'm a pregnant potential birth mother in a very, very similar situation. (1 more year of college to go, broke, unstable relationship, etc.) I'm amazed that you're able to go to classes already having one child. I don't have any yet... You probably know/already have much more experience than I do. Just wanted to let you know that I wish you luck, & you've got a little cheerleader here hoping for the best for you! :cheer: Oh! If you click on my profile, to the 2 threads I started, you can read the replies I've received from many knowledgable women. They might help you, too. Good luck.

I have not read the responses but I will just say that government assistance does not mean that it wiill be alife long thing. Many pople have used assistance on a temporary basis. It sounds to me that even though you pregnancy was unplanned that does not mean your baby is unwanted. Being fearful is normal given your current circumstances and I would be concerned if you weren't afraid. Please know that you do not have to make any immediate decisions. You appear to be a strong intelligent sensible woman with good goals. Please give your self more credit. Adoption is permanant solution to a temprorary situation. I am all for adoption in some cases but realise that finances and circumstances do change and while you may think things are not doable as far as parenting goes, all that can change in a heartbeat. Please stick around and read and listen to the BMoms here who have gone before you. Read of the many single parents that have gone on to parent thier children. Please seek counseling and NOT from an adoption agency. There options out there that do not include adoption. I will keep you in my prayers. EZ

Adoption is a very permanent solution to a possibly temporary situation. There are times when it is the best choice a women has for herself and her child, but there are other times when it is not. I can not presume to know your life situation, but let me share a little of my history with you, if nothing else it should be inspiring. I was 19 when I first got pregnant and my boyfriend and i were essentially homeless by choice, we both worked minimum wage jobs and my plans for the future were completely destroyed (I was set to enter the Air Force, found out before basic which had been delayed by the military because they could not line up tech schools). I decided to go to college instead (got a Pell Grant) and got on various forms of assistance (medicaid, food stamps, wic) and found low income housing. I had my daughter 1 week before college started and began my pre-nursing courses when she was 6 days old. When she was 7 mos old protective services called me and asked if I wanted to take in my 13 mos old 2nd cousin (with huge developmental delays) because his parents were losing him to neglect/abuse, they said he would go to foster care if family didn't want him, my boyfriend and I took him as kinship care and later got certified as foster parents (even foster parents are allowed to be on some kinds of govt assistance, my parents who have fostered for years recently had a financial set back due to health concern and were forced to go on food stamps, no one cares and they still foster). We later adopted my cousin and have continued to foster and adopt when the situation is presented. I also had a biological child 6 weeks early in the middle of my nursing program, she was supposed to be born on summer break but had other plans. I had her friday night, went to clinicals on monday and took her home from the NICU monday night. My last biological child was born 2 mos after I graduated from college and exactly 1 mos after I closed the mortgage on my first ever home (I also got a job as a registered nurse the same week we bought the house). I worked full time and went to school full time during every pregnancy and during my 3 oldest infant/toddler years, I feel like I missed a lot but now I am able to provide them with a life that I am proud of and even foster other kids. I did have my boyfriend's support and our relationship continues but I have always been the primary breadwinner and drive behind our family. But I do understand the value of having him around and how that lack could seem insurmountable. We used a number of resources during that time I was in school including : WIC, Medicaid, Food Stamps, Utility assistance, Head Start, Early Head Start, IDA (used to buy our house), WEatherization progam, food banks, Salvation Army, Pell Grants, Workers on Wheels and probably others I have forgotten Now that we are out of poverty I am amazed what 3 years of assistance can do for cultivating a lifetime of independance. Now I pay the taxes that support these programs and I am happy that I know my $ are going to help other people achieve independance as well. I recommend, no matter what you decide, to get your oldest son involved with Head Start (3-5 years old) or yourself involved with Early Head Start (pregnancy to 3 years old) in your area. The were the catalyst for helping me to establish and reach the goals I set as well as located resources to help me when I ran into barriers and provied encouragement to me when I was really considering bailing out. I graduated in December of 2005 and have been an RN since then. My daughter and oldest adopted son are now 8 years old and I can not imagine having given them up because of financial reasons only to have arrived at this moment of financial independance and wonder what I am missing and what they are missing that I could so easily now provide. That was what was best for me and my children, only you can decide what is best for your kids and you, but please don't believe that this situation automatically means you will always be on welfare.

Note that the OP was from June...so the baby has been born by now, and I haven't seen the original poster around here since then. As a parallel, my bio 'mother' - according to my non-ID - was a college grad with a high-paying career. I always say that there is no one type of biological 'mother' - - that it seems that I was placed for adoption simply because it was not a convenient time for my bio 'mother' to have a child. Plus, it was the eighties and she was unmarried and not in a relationship with my bio 'father,' so that was, of course, taboo and something to consider. She was also Catholic, so that was another reason to relinquish [it was rare to have a single mom in the eighties anyway, but church-going Catholics rarely admitted to having children out of wedlock!] I hate the phrase 'adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.' Because that's not necessarily the case! Some women who find themselves pregnant are continuing the cycle, so to speak - their mother may have given birth at a young age, and there may be a history of relying on public assistance, etc. Some people live their entire lives relying on government assistance, whether it is because they cannot get themselves out of a place where they require that type of help or because they don't want to. It may not 'get better' in many cases; keeping the child and raising him/her may compound the problem. So, you have to consider all sides of the issue. But regardless, that phrase seems to insinuate that the problem = the unborn baby, and frankly, that's kind of insulting! A baby is not a 'situation,' either - I don't know, I just think there's a better way to get your point across. And adoption is not a 'solution' - - solution is defined as 'a statement that solves a problem' - while it's a wonderful thing, and I am a grateful adoptee, adoption never 'solves' anything. It has its own host of issues, most without solutions themselves.

Nicole- I am sorry that my phrase offended you, from the perspective of an emom that once considered an adoption plan it seems appropriate to me but I also see your point of view. I, however never considered the actual child or unborn baby the problem, it was the financial situation of raising said child in poverty that I considered the problem. Notice also that I said "very permanent solution to a POSSIBLY temporary problem", I am an advocate for those in poverty and those attempting to find thier way out, so I am fully aware that it can be generational and is not an easy journey to escape and that some people may very well remain in poverty thier entire lives, but I don't think that it is a projection that I would put on anyone, because I truly belive that given the right resources and desire anyone can make it out. I really used to resent it when people who just assume that I couldn't or wouldn't get out of poverty due to my parents history with welfare or my circumstances as a young parent, it seemed like they were not only judging who I was (a welfare recipient) but also who I would be (a lifetime welfare recipient) and boy were they wrong! Adoption is not a permanent solution to many problems, in fact it can actually be a catalyst for some problems, but if you use it in the context of my definition of the problem, ie problem = "raising a child in poverty" it can be a solution to that problem because the emom can choose parents who will ensure, at least in the foreseeable future, who can provide financially for the child and thus avoid the financial strain of raising a child. So perhaps in the future I will qualify what I mean by "problem" when I use this phrase as I can see that it can be interpreted much differently than I intended. Being the mother of 5 children, 2 of who are adopted from foster care, I would NEVER consider a child or unborn baby = a problem, I would hate to think that anyone would believe that of me, so I will be more specific in the future.

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I just have to say...and I'm not meaning to offend or upset anyone...simply felt I'd like to state my opinion on said phrase, Adoption is a very permanent solution to a possibly temporary situation.I've always disliked that phrase/saying myself as well and was recently thinking about it...perhaps thinking of blogging or starting a more specific discussion on the phrase.Anyway just wanted to throw in my feeling on the phrase as well that I agree with Nicole and don't like the phrase for the reasons she stated as well as other reasons.I understand the different meanings by the phrase, but simply I, personally, have never liked it since I heard it, but that's just my opinion/feelings about it :).

Adption is a permanant solution to a temporary situation in many cases. When people say this it is because there are many Bmoms that were forced to give their babies up because they lacked money, housng, job, ect. Then a few years later things changed for them where they were n a better situation and they wished they could undo their choice and realize that they could parent. By then it is too late and they are left to PERMANATLY live with their choice. My own Bmom was older and just did not want to be a mother so she gave me up yet a couple of years later she got married and had subsequent children. Situations can change but once that child is adopted it is for life. EZ