What we really want to say

Beth you said: Continuity or sameness would be the word I would use. Cath you said: The reason I did not search in any real way was the fear of the what ifs...that my mother had never told her husband or her kids and what it could do to her family is she hadn't...the can of worms so to speak...just could not do it to her. Kind regards,Dickons

Dickons, my bmother's husband doesn't know about me and I know my uncles don't plan on telling him, they feel he wouldn't understand about my existence. He is remarried and lives in another state though he does keep in contact with at least one of my uncles. I would like to meet him one day but realise that probably isn't going to happen. Holly, I've only just read your latest post and want to say that I think your daughter is fortunate to have two mothers that love her as much as you and her adoptive mother obviously do. My abrother has been in reunion with his bmother for almost 20 years and she has never met my amum (my amum would be happy to meet her but my abrother has never offered to introduce them). The only member of the family who has met her is my asister and that was by accident. Do other amums have that experience?

I'm glad I didn't see whatever Brandy had to clean up because I have to say that overall this has been a great thread where people have taken big risks expressing controversial feelings and done it in a highly respectful way. This is why we come back to these forums. I'm glad that we all had the opportunity to express our many, varied, individual experiences and feelings. And second - while this is totally off topic - this thread is a good example to me of why open adoption (in the right situation) is easier on everyone. We don't have 20 or more years to get emotionally worked up about it or to imaging what-ifs. It just is. And our son doesn't have to choose. Because we chose to let him have us all - with all of our gifts and flaws (and we all have them). Peace and love to you all who are trying to figure this out and trying to navigate the process out loud in a respectful and intensely honest way. Good luck on your journeys.

For me, reassurance would come with actions, and time. For me, that kind of reassurance is an unrealistic expectation on my part. For me, reassurance will have to come from with in and people outside of my families, all of them. Reassurance requires trust. Trust is something I have a very difficult time with, because there only a handful of people in my life wh are even remotely trustworthy and dependable. Even if someone tried to "reassure" me, the question is; would I be able to believe them? Beth, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes there is no way to reassure or be reassured.

The thing that bothers me about the amom in my reunion is NOT that she doesn't trust me? I can understand that in some ways, but that she doesn't trust our son!!! I trust that my daughters love me unconditionally, and that they can love others without losing any of their love for me. I would hope she would feel the same way about her sons! ESPECIALLY because they have a pretty good relationship. I can understand maybe if he wasn't happy at home, and younger, and less settled, maybe he'd be looking for something different? But still, she's the mom that raised him, what does she have to fear from me?

I don't know, Quantum. I wish I had the answers. Maybe it's not really "you" she fears? All of this makes me think of my Bdad's wife. It was uncomprehendable to me the way she acted. She so completely made me into "the other woman", as she had done with his other daughter as well. Things she said and did completely weirded me out. I kept thinking, this woman doesn't understand the difference in a relationship between a husband/wife-man/woman, and a father and daughter. Kind of sick, o k not kind of, it was sick. Then there was my Bdad and his issues. That woman was "terrified" of me, or for that matter anything else that might take some of my Bdad's attention away. She would do or say whatever she had to in order to keep her "possession", and keep it in her control, and that is exactly what she did, and I have no doubt that also means even if it took a physical fight. It wasn't about me, or even really about my Bdad. It was pure and simple control, and a need to be the "center" of someone's attention. It was totally fear based on a very deep level. Had someone pointed that out to her, she would have completely denied it, because the problem wasn't her. It was everyone else. When we finally had the inevitable confrontation, she admitted she resented me, admitted there was no real reason for it, and then told me, basically, she would control every aspect of my relationship with my Bdad, starting with our phone conversations. I was to call him "only" when he was with her at home, or I wasn't to talk to him at all. The big problem with that: from the start, he asked me not to call him at home, or when he was with her or her family. He told me, "I don't want you to have anything to do with them." Well, now, I know why. What I didn't know was that he would shut me out whenhe he, too, finally understood I wasn't a puppet. Sorry, little tangent there. You see what I mean though? There was nothing I could do to "reassure" her. She even addmitted that. I asked her point blank, "What Could I have done to make you more comfortable with this?" In a fit of anger, she screamed in the phone, "NOTHING!" I knew at that point, I was definitely dealing with a type of crazy I was not equipped to handle. Like you, I can't comprehend how people do not understand, it is possible to love more than one person at a time, and with just as much love. I could not reassure her, and now it would take a lot for my Bdad to reassure me, if he were to choose to be a part of my life. My Bdad isn't capable of dealing with his wife, (reminds me of the co-dependance thread, remember?). From what you have described, your son is quite capable of dealing with his other mother. It's really not your job to reassure her anymore. You've done your best. Thinking you can understand her "fear", I don't know? I still,, as much as I understand all the issues with personality disorders etc, I still don't understand, not really, my Bdad, or his wife, or how one person can allow someone like that to destroy them like my Bdad has done. I know how it all happens, but it's still mind boggleing that it can happen, or that people "choose", but don't "choose" to be like that. I'm rambling now, and I guess that's the long way of telling you something you already know. That letter from adoptees that Beth mentioned...I can't tell you how many times, and how much I would have loved to send that to her, and my Bdad....I have no doubt, it would have don nothing but give her the one thing she wanted most, something, anything, she could twist and use against me to end my relationship with my Bdad. One satisfaction I have through it all, I never gave her anything like that. Whatever she said and did, she had to make up on her own. kwim? I'm glad I did my best to always take the high road, it's the only way to face yourself later....hard as it is sometimes, not to mention, how much fun it might have been at the time to get even. IMO, the fear refered to in this letter...has nothing to do with birthmothers, anymore than the fear a birthmother might have of APs. It's a personal issue that gets taken out on something else...didn't say that well, but I think you will know what I mean.

Shadow Rider, it always seems to me like you're expected to be the strong one all the time. It's not really fair on you is it.

No, and it only took me 45 years to figure it out. lol Thank you for saying that.

Trust There is that blasted word LOL I get it shadow. Maybe thats what bugs me about all of this and brings up the reassurance wishes. I see this҅ thing, this trust or lack of trust or need of assurance/reassurance in so many different threads here. I dont trust my mom and dad not to dump me, becasue of their actions, reactions and words shared and not shared - at my reunion especially. I donҒt trust my father to be around my mom and dad, or my mother especially, for fear of him saying something őcrazy or hurtful or something that would cause an argument or bad feelings. He does try to steal me and my kids away, in a way, I donҒt trust him not to try that type of control. I don't trust him not to slip in some kind of clever mean 'honest to him' zinger if they were to meet. I dont trust my mother to be there for me now, she stays distant, in a confusing non-distant way, and she wonҒt even tell her son about me still. And she did reject my first contact, until I hunted her down and called her myself. My mom and dad dont trust in me that I wonҒt dump them - their actions, not their words, say that plainly. Most of my life they havent trusted me in one insane way or another, and have said so. ғyou must earn our trust IԒm beginning to believe that may not be possible with them. They obviously havent known me very well and still donҒt, and dont seem to want to know me any more than they do! LOL After 10 years of nothing but giving and kindness, my mother doesnҒt trust me, she doesnt trust that I will not come and ruin her life in revenge or anger, hurt her other children in some way, cause her to loose her husband, she doesnҒt trust that I will continue to have a relationship with her. She doesnt even really know me. After 10 years of steady communication and sharing family deeply, my father doesnҒt trust that I will continue that. That I will allow my kids to continue that. Ive invited everyone to meet each other. My father is the only one who was up for it, (which worries me as I said before LOL) the others ran and felt it not necessary. That action/choice spoke volumes. It bugs me that it is very possible that my son or daughters graduation, marriage or birth of their first great grand child will be their first meeting - like it or not. It doesnҒt seem fair to my kids, or me. I will refuse to not inviteђ some when (if lol) these events occur. My kids may choose not to invite any if that is how it has to be. Shadow, your people seem to have put all their beets on your plate for you to eat for them, and no, its not fair at all! No matter how much you may like beets! I get so aggravated when I hear about your bdadҒs wife. I wish that were different for you, I wish she were more like my fathers wife, who has become one of my best friends - because we have grown to trust each other very much. At first it was shaky, she didnt trust me, and called wondering what was going on, where I got my info etc, and terrified me and said ґcome up here so I can look at you She was not very trusting of me around her sons at first, or her husband. And I was leary of her, and all of them, around my kids at first too. I may have cheated there some, I knew she was the key to my father and brothers, so I made her the most important person there I wanted to know and it seems to have worked. I wasnԒt fake about it, we really are good friends now LOL Often I wish I had a mother like her all along. We reassured each other constantly. She was open to trusting me, and me her, yet it still seems to take constant work. She helps the most in reassuring my father about me. "I trust that my daughters love me unconditionally, and that they can love others without losing any of their love for me." That seems to be the reassurance I feel the need to send out to everyone in my families, and I guess I dont understand why my people can't really seem to believe it. I do hope open adoptions help to eliminate much of this. Hubby is buggin me to do his work for him :rolleyes: Ill be back;)

Shadow, You are so right, my work trying to reassure her is done. I dont even want to pretend to play anymore. I'm not going to do or say anything, but I'm also not going to go out of my way to play nice. That is, I'm not going to go out to breakfast with just her, I'm not going to say it's ok to invite her over when we are just hanging out. Not not not. I know what she feels. I am not deluding myself that she will ever feel different. She's pretending to play nice, but just because our son let her have it... Bah, how's that for off topic?? :-)

Quantum, I'm not sure it's that far off from the purpose of this thread. The point as I see is it, that no matter how I may want the other person to see reunion as I (That's me - Kathy, btw) understand it, an opportunity to enrich all our lives, I can't ensure that the other "side(s)" of the triangle will experience and understand reunion the way I do. It doesn't matter what we do, we can't make anyone else see it the same way we do. Shadow, I am so sorry that your story has turned our the way it has... remember I am your adopted birthmom, and I love you!

This. Forget about the fact that I've spent the past 4 years trying to earn her trust. Forget about all the words I said to calm her fears and honor her rightful place as DD's mom. If she was going through the motions just to keep me in line so be it. But how could she think DD could love me more? She and DD have a fantastic relationship save for the whole adoption thing, how can she not trust in that? Because I've never told her no? I've also never told her I loved her. Or that she's amazing. Or that I'm proud of her. I get that it's not about me per se. And there is nothing I can do to reassure her. I too am coming to the conclusion that I can't tip toe around her feelings and go out of my way to make her comfortable with this. I almost think that the only way she's going to see that there is nothing to be afraid of is it if just happens, and hope she handles it in a way that doesn't put DD in the middle. My reunion expectation at this point is for it to happen. Period. I just want her to return a message or follow through on a phone call and set a date already. I don't think it's that much to ask! Sorry for my pity party... back to your regularly scheduled discussion ;)

I just wanted to quick share a few observations. Many of us here have been on adoption boards for a LONG time. I know it's been over six years for me. The person I was before adoption is not the person I am now. It's been a journey to say the least. I have learned a lot from various people on this site. I must admit as a beginner in the world of adoption, I had the fear of not being good enough for my kids. I was a bit worried that they would want their "real mother" or that they would leave me one day to find their family. Add to that, the transracial issue and that made me fear it more as I thought they would grow older and want to be with family that looks like them. Once I met and spoke to some friends who were adopted I learned not to fear that. I learned that our kids will love us for being their mom. I also learned that it's normal for children who were adopted to seek out their bio family and want to have that connection and that that won't take anything away from all of the love, memories and joyous events that have taken place over their childhood with me. So I don't think it's a generalization or a stereotype to say that many aparents have that fear. It's nothing to be ashamed of. All people have fear on the various sides of the triad. We are all entitled to our feelings. But here is the important part...how our kids feel. I love my children so much that I will always put them first. I want them to know that their happiness is my first priority. It makes sense for them to want to reunite one day and I will be happy for them. Will it be hard? Yes, especially since my kids came from foster care so there are real danger issues there. But I want them to have all of the information they need to feel whole. THAT is my goal. I think sometimes the adoptee gets lost in it all. Our kids are going to grow up and make their own choices anyway. They will leave our home anyway. I think it's okay to think about these things and be a bit sad but in the end, it's about their happiness and I think most people educated in adoption will understand that.

Beth, you asked what we would like for reassurance? I get reassurance from the Bmoms on this board. I get reassurance when someone says something I said/shared helped them in some way. I might not have gotten the fairytale reunions, but I get reassurance from knowing that sometimes it does work out, not all BPs are like mine, and also from the APs on here who are willing to listen and learn from our pasts. I was reassured by the OP. It proves to me that nott all BMoms are as afraid of what they've done as ours. Again, not the best wording, but I hope you know what I mean. My Bmom is "terrified" of me. Reassurance from people I've never met, who know me better, and care more...hmmm...that's not really fair...better wording..."know how to care more" than those who should be closest and most caring. I get reassurance from knowing I'm not alone in this and have friends like you and Dickons. Quantum, do what you have to do girl. You know you have my support. The door is completely closed to my Bdad's wife, no ifs, andds, or buts. There is no more negotiation in regards to her. She crossed too, too many lines. I refuse to play the games too, and I have no need to constantly "compete" for anyone's attention, even my bfather. It just shouldn't be like that. Brown, I don't call that a pity party. I call it honesty. It will happen. Hang in there. Kathy, what would I do without you and Raven. Thanks. I love you too. Seems like Hollys post did a lot more good than harm? IMO At least it did for me. Thanks Holly.

Thanks for sharing everybody, I'm sure we will get to continue this type of discussion in some way, somewhere, it comes up frequently imo. And maybe I will be able to find the tools to talk about it better next time. Just wanted to share this, cause I really like it LOL "There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it, and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy." anon.