re finding bfather

My Bmom never told my Bdad he had a daughter. They did, however, have some kind of conversation after she found out she was pregnant. Neither of them will come clean about that conversation. After all these years, I think they have both lied to themselves so much, they probably don't remember the truth about that conversation. My Bdad didn't know he had a daughter, but no matter how much he would like to convince himself he didn't know, he knew he had a child, or at least the possibility. He was surprised when I contacted him, but not "that" surprised. He was happy to find out, but I'll just leave it at that. I aggree with Dickons, keep your expectations in check, and be as prepared as you can be for either kind of response. Back then, I think a lot of Bmoms would have married, whether in love or not, wanting marriage or not, had Bdad's stepped up. It's just how it was and what you did in such situations. Back then, whatever age you were, if you didn't have to tell your parents, you probably wouldn't. kwim? It jsut how it was. It wasn't so much parents physically, forcing their daughters to place as society and fear, at least in some cases?

Thanks for the replies. Believe me when I say I have no real expectations, I think if he were ALIVE, that would be enough LOL. Still, it is worth trying. However, I am getting a bit ahead of myself because I still have to wait for this friend to get back to me. It may be that her ex was only a casual friend with my bfather and knew nothing but his first name (which I actually know now myself). I'm sorry Dickons that your bfather didn't acknowledge you, it is his loss as I think he is missing out on knowing a special person Thanks Shadowrider for your insights. I have been following your story since I first started posting on these boards. In fact, it was reading your posts back then which initially made me realise how difficult and confusing reunion can be. I often think in my bmother's case that the main reason she could never tell her family about me was NOT because she had a baby out of wedlock (by all accounts if it had happened back home, they would have rallied around her; they did in 1972 when she was pregnant again) but because of the actual ADOPTION itself. I think she would have felt that her parents would have been deeply hurt that she felt she couldn't turn to them for help as they were a very close family. Does that make sense? Anyway, if I do find out who my bfather is, I probably will try and contact him but will be totally OK with whatever the outcome.

Thanks, Cath. You just made my day. What you said about your Bmom's family being upset, makes perfect sense. Good luck with your Bdad...keeping my fingers crossed for the best, and thanks again.

Thanks for the support, Shadow Rider. I'll let you know how I go.

As well as trying to find my bfather, I am still hoping to find someone in my bmother's life who might have known of my existence AFTER my adoption. There are friends who knew she was pregnant who went back home and never saw her again. However, the only person I have "spoken" to (well had emails via son) was the lady for whom my bmum nannied before, during and after the adoption (arranged by adoption agency). I will always appreciate some of the kind words she said about my bmother. However, the email does say that whilst working for them, my bmother focussed all her love and attention on the lady's daughter and stayed with them for about 6 months until after the adoption and I do often wonder whether any feeling my bmother may have had towards her own baby may have been channelled into caring for this lady's baby and if, by the time she went home, she was able to put the adoption behind her totally. I know I should be happy for her if she was able to do that although I admit it would bug me if I did find out that that was the case. Still, it is unlikely I will ever find out so I shouldn't worry about it. I've always had too active an imagination LOL! Also, I know there have been some lovely bmothers on this forum (on another thread) who have said that she most likely did care about what happened to me throughout her life and I know that is most likely the case but until I can hear it from "the horses mouth" so to speak, I can never really believe it (which is my problem and noone elses I suppose). And to be honest, I don't know why I care so much.

I do realise that the lady my bmother nannied for would have been very pro-adoption as it was organised through the adoption agency so, as kind as the lady sounds, she would have probably "reassured" my bmother that she "was doing the right thing". Also, in Auckland NZ, the adoption scene was made up mostly of private agencies which probably contributed to the fact that NZ had one of the highest adoption rates in the world in the 60s.

Cath, you said, "I don't know why I care?" I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself that question. The only answer I've ever come up with: "Because I do."

Shadow rider - Sounds as good as answer as any :)

Cath, If you do find her I am so glad you will not go in with blinders on. Have you ever read Ann Fesslers 'The Girls Who Went Away"? It is a US story of many mothers but the time frame is the same as yours. I doubt you would be able to get it so if you want I have a spare copy I could mail you. If yes, PM me your address. Kind regards,Dickons

Hi Dickons, I will send you a PM about book. Thanks for the offer :) I have just realised I wasn't very clear on a previous post. I think I meant to say I would like to get in touch with ANYBODY in my bmother's life who would have known of my existence after adoption because, as nice as the lady who my bmother nannied for seems, it is really her views portrayed in the emails not my bmums actual view. Hi ShadowRider, I am going to send you a PM too. I hope you don't mind.

I am still waiting to hear back from my bmother's friend whom I spoke to on 9th July and was just wondering how long I should leave before contacting her again. The situation is that this lady's ex-husband was probably friends with my bfather and she was going to ask her daughters to ask her ex (the husband and daughters live in the US, the lady and I are Australian). Also, she doesn't have her own email but I can send emails through her present husband's email address. (I emailed some photos to her of my bmother at a later age and even though she didn't reply, when I called her to say that I was emailing some photos sent to me by another friend of my bmums, she had got them). A week ago, I sent her a very nice email just giving an extra contact address for myself and also to say that whatever she finds I will be happy with and that I don't expect her to necessarily have found anything yet (she didn't reply to that one either). Anyway, I don't want to hassle her again too soon because I realise that it isn't a case of direct contact. So, given the above information, how long should I leave it before contacting her again? It is possible her daughters are busy with their own children during the US summer break and haven't had time to speak to their dad. I do have a phone number but I don't want to call her unless I have to. Also, she suffers from depression so I don't want to exacerbate it by hassling her. Any advice would be appreciated

I have sent email again to my bmother's friends husband just to ask whether she has heard anything, no reply. I think I will wait a couple more weeks then call. I know I need to be patient (and I have been very pleasant in my emails, as I don't want her to feel hassled) but I just feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall. :grr: A second cousin promised to send photos (alright that was only a week ago, so perhaps I'm being a bit unfair LOL) and one cousin said she would post some photos on Facebook about 3 months ago (I very nicely asked her about them once and she said they are in a pile to be scanned). Note, I didn't ask these people for photos/info, they are the ones that offered to do so, so it is not like I hassled them to do anything. I know everyone above has their own life to live and may not have time but if you say you are going to do something, you should do it. I would never promise anything I can't deliver (and if I found I couldn't deliver, I would let the person know). I think part of the reason I feel so frustrated with my bmother's friend is that not only did I email pictures to her that I had of my bmother in her later years; when the other friend of my bmother sent me photos, because I don't have a scanner, I went out of my way to go to an internet cafe, downloaded the images onto one of those memory sticks (which I bought just for that) and then downloaded them to my computer and emailed them to her. The times I've spoken to her, she has been very pleasant. I know she may not have any info yet but it would be nice to be kept up to date, thats all. I know I need to be patient but it is hard sometimes.

Hang in there...patience is a beach. I agree. When people say they are going to do something, they should do it. Sure does seem like that's become more and more rare these days. One lesson that was very hard for me to learn and accept: This was waaay more important to me than it was to anyone else. Where as it was at the very top of my priority list, it was most likely, and in hindsight, apparently, at the bottom of everyone else's priority list. Just sucks, I know.

Thanks shadowrider :)

Woke up this morning and things have become nice and clear. I was upset yesterday about a dismissive email but today I realised that that email did some good. I've realised I've been caring too much what the bio relatives think about me and now realise it doesn't matter. I've done the right thing by them; I've been respectful and patient and not put any emotional stress on them in any way and I think they appreciate that. That's all I can do. I'd like to get to know them as people and hopefully they would like to get to know me as a person. Time will tell. I've also been worrying too much about what my bmother might have thought of me. With her having passed away, it is a bit of a moot point. I have no doubt that she would have cared what happened to me and that is the important thing. Also, my relinquishment seemed to have had no ill-effect on her psyche which I am thankful for. I like to think that every now and then she might have seen a little girl my age and thought "I wonder how my little girl is going" :) Even being a total secret has its positive points. I was reading an old thread the other day where a lot of the posters felt betrayed by their bmother's family members because they felt they were not only relinquished by their bmothers but by the relatives that "allowed" it to happened. At least I don't have that added stress. So, I feel pretty good about things now. As for finding bfather, perhaps the time is not right. If it happens, it happens. I've actually met some lovely people in the course of meeting my bio family (related and unrelated) and am thankful for that. :flower: